Your Child's Journey

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Take-a-Break!

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The last lesson was about a Gentle Start up to conflicts. Since conversations and conflicts usually end on the same note that they began, how we bring up a problem is very, very important.

Many of us don’t think about how we are going to discuss a problem in our relationship. We would all improve our communication if we would think first. If you didn’t read the last lesson, why not take a few minutes to read, The Gentle Start-up.

When we don’t take the time to plan how to discuss and use a gentle start-up, we often get into a heated argument. Sometimes something just happens and we blow up before we even think. So what can we do when we realize we’ve stepped into a whirlwind of emotions?

Remember we talked about how to help a baby who is overstimulated? First you stop what you were doing with your child and you give them time to self-soothe. Taking a break uses the same principle. Stop the discussion right where it is and each one takes the time to self-soothe.

Taking a break is not the same thing as stonewalling. In stonewalling, we retreat from the conversation by leaving, either physically or emotionally. We quit talking and refuse to connect again in the discussion.

When an argument begins to spin out of control, we feel the physical symptoms of arousal; faster pulse and higher blood pressure. We begin having trouble processing new information and have difficulty listening. This certainly isn’t the atmosphere for solving our dilemma.

One or both of you may begin this process we call ‘flooding.’ You should have a previously agreed on signal that you can use when you need to take a break. It may be the sports signal making a T with your hands for ‘Time Out’, or something else you agree on.

At that point, you both agree to take a break. You set a time when you will begin again. A good length of time is about 20-30 minutes. It takes your body that long to de-escalate from the fight or flight flooding.

What you do with this time is vital to the process.

  • Don’t take the time to rehearse your arguments and try to plan an attack that cannot be refuted. Don’t just nurse your frustration and wallow in your emotions. Take a break!
  • Do whatever it is that is relaxing for you. Take a walk, take a bath, meditate, listen to lovely calming music, take a power nap. Whatever you do, make the goal calming yourself.

Resume the discussion when you are both calmed down.

  • Make it your goal to address the issue, not attack each other.
  • Keep your voices down and avoid harsh words or tone.
  • Try to understand what your spouse is saying.

In the next few lessons we’ll talk more about ways to come to an agreement that benefits your relationship.

 Exercise:

Talk with your spouse about what signal you will use when you need to take a time out from a conflict.

Think about what activities are the most calming to you. Take 20 minutes calming yourself now. Then have a nice chat about something you like about your spouse. See how nice it feels? We can accomplish so much more when we are not flooded and stressed.

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Follow Me!

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You want your kids to be honest, fair, caring, and thoughtful of others. Right?

There’s truth in the old adage: Kids do what you do, not what you say.

Your children learn ethical values and behaviors by watching you. You want to model humility, honesty, fairness, and so on. Yet you know you cannot be perfect all the time. It is so important that they hear you acknowledge your mistakes and weaknesses and see you work hard to correct them. This is a much more powerful example than you lecturing on ethics.

So when you don’t live up to the model you want your kids to copy, use these are opportunities to talk with them about it. You don’t lose face, you gain their respect. They will follow your example.

We’re LATE!

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Tension rises! We’re late! Kids dawdle! The phone rings! I stub my toe! We’re late! Move it!

Your darling child wants to tell you a long story. The sink gets stopped up and runs over. You suddenly realize you haven’t had time to . . .

How can you stop the volcano from erupting?

Take a deep breath and think. What is the worst case scenario if we are late? Will it really matter in 6 months? Will they have permanent scars for not being on time? No. No. No.

There may be some minor consequence. But is that worth being so upset? Could my shouting and irritability actually be doing more harm than our being late?

Defusing the Eruption

Slow down and deal with the obstacles one at a time?

Dial down the tension. Everyone is likely to have a better start to the day if the tension is less and a few more smiles and hugs are shared.

If you find you are always late getting out the door, you should look at how to better prepare ahead of time. Realize it takes kids longer than it does you to do most tasks.

  • So plan for more time. Choosing clothes and filling book bags can be a chore before bedtime.
  • An earlier bedtime so everyone can wake up earlier and be fully rested can make the morning easier.
  • Find some humor in the situation. A chuckle or a silly song can relieve a lot of tension.

What do you do to dial down the stress of getting out the door? Comment  here or on the Facebook post.

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Crying Baby

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Why is your baby is wailing? Hungry? Sleepy? Hurting? Need a diaper change? Or is he Angry? Frustrated? Overwhelmed? Or just plain sad?

After you’ve dealt with the obvious, and that bundle of joy is still crying, what are some things you can try?

  • Sometimes distraction is the only available tool. Often it works. But sometimes you can’t get their attention long enough to distract them.
  • A bear hug often works. If they were overstimulated or frustrated or sad or even in some tantrums, eliminating all the other stimuli and making them stop moving can end the crying.
  • Taking them away from the scene of the event, will give them the time and space to regroup.
  • Sometimes they just need to be by themselves and finish crying. Let them know when they call you, you will come, Stay where they can’t see you. Many children will self-soothe when they don’t have an audience.

Moms all have stories of taking the wrong action when their baby cried. My son was crying and it was lunch time, so I put him in his highchair. I KNEW he was hungry. I fixed his lunch. I noticed he had stopped crying. It was then I discovered he had laid his head on the highchair tray and had fallen sound asleep. I stood there and cried because I thought, “Only a horrible mother doesn’t know her baby is sleepy and thinks he is hungry.”

Just know that you are NOT the worst parent in the world when your baby cries and you cannot figure out why. It happens to all of us sometimes. Try to learn what signs your baby gives you for different needs and remember what worked last time. Try that first. If it doesn’t work try something else. That’s what good moms do!

Raising Good Kids Tip #1- Quality Time

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Harvard University psychologists studied what parents did who raised good kids. The conclusions they came to are mostly common sense, but often we need reminding. I will be using this study as the basis for Parent Tips from time to time.

Raising Good Kids Tip #1- Spend Quality Time with Your Children

When both parents work outside the home and children spend many of their waking hours with other adults, parents must make a conscious effort to spend quality time, regularly with their children. Just being with them, but not giving them your full attention does NOT count as quality time.

  • Quality time involves meaningful conversations. Take turns asking and answering each other’s questions. Listen carefully to what they say.
  • Do things together that they enjoy. Have fun together.
  • Read to them every day or tell stories to them from your childhood.

It takes work to develop caring, loving relationships with your kids. When they feel loved, they become attached to you. That attachment makes them more receptive to learning the values that are important to you.

Exercise: Try using the following questions as conversation starters.

  • “What was the best part of your day? The hardest part?”
  • “What did you accomplish today that you feel good about?”
  • “What’s something nice someone did for you today? What’s something nice you did?”
  • “What’s something you learned today—in school or outside of school?”

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