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August 26, 2017 By Diane Constantine

You want your kids to be honest, fair, caring, and thoughtful of others. Right?

There’s truth in the old adage: Kids do what you do, not what you say.

Your children learn ethical values and behaviors by watching you. You want to model humility, honesty, fairness, and so on. Yet you know you cannot be perfect all the time. It is so important that they hear you acknowledge your mistakes and weaknesses and see you work hard to correct them. This is a much more powerful example than you lecturing on ethics.

So when you don’t live up to the model you want your kids to copy, use these are opportunities to talk with them about it. You don’t lose face, you gain their respect. They will follow your example.

We’re LATE!

August 10, 2017 By Diane Constantine

Tension rises! We’re late! Kids dawdle! The phone rings! I stub my toe! We’re late! Move it!

Your darling child wants to tell you a long story. The sink gets stopped up and runs over. You suddenly realize you haven’t had time to . . .

How can you stop the volcano from erupting?

Take a deep breath and think. What is the worst case scenario if we are late? Will it really matter in 6 months? Will they have permanent scars for not being on time? No. No. No.

There may be some minor consequence. But is that worth being so upset? Could my shouting and irritability actually be doing more harm than our being late?

Defusing the Eruption

Slow down and deal with the obstacles one at a time?

Dial down the tension. Everyone is likely to have a better start to the day if the tension is less and a few more smiles and hugs are shared.

If you find you are always late getting out the door, you should look at how to better prepare ahead of time. Realize it takes kids longer than it does you to do most tasks.

So plan for more time. Choosing clothes and filling book bags can be a chore before bedtime.
An earlier bedtime so everyone can wake up earlier and be fully rested can make the morning easier.
Find some humor in the situation. A chuckle or a silly song can relieve a lot of tension.

What do you do to dial down the stress of getting out the door? Comment here or on the Facebook post.

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Dad and Mom Together

January 10, 2017 By Diane Constantine

During December, we were reminded many times of Jesus’ birth. Although we often focus on Mary and the baby Jesus, I think the unsung hero of the story is Joseph. He was a good and righteous man. He was in tune enough with God that he believed the dreams he had were God’s word to him. He was willing to accept Mary as his wife, though she was pregnant. (Her pregnancy was an act of God, but many people would have doubted that.) After Jesus was born, he uprooted his family twice in obedience to God-given dreams: first to preserve his wife and her child from death by going to Egypt, and then to return to raise his family in Galilee. Joseph worked hard as a carpenter.

And as a good Jewish father, he trained Jesus as a carpenter too. How many admirable qualities do you see in Joseph? Have you ever stopped to consider just what a fine man he was? He had his flaws, no doubt, but the flaws did not cancel out the many characteristics that made him a good man.

I’d like to focus this month on the role of the father. As soon as the woman is aware she is pregnant, changes begin in the home. When, and how, does she tell her husband that he is a father? How will he react? The baby isn’t even born, yet attitudes about this new little human are already forming. It’s such an important time.

If the news of her pregnancy is accompanied by distress and conflict, dad may withdraw from mom. He may resent the baby’s intrusion on their relationship. He may feel he has so many additional responsibilities that he spends more and more time at work. Also, concerns about the additional responsibilities and necessary finances can make these early days of pregnancy challenging.

There are physical stresses now as well. Mom’s hormones are changing dramatically and these affect her mood, energy, and sex drive. It’s a roller coaster ride. The new changes in roles, values, and identity can cause both parents to emotionally withdraw from each other, just when they need each other the most.

We may have brought some attitudes or beliefs into our marriage that make dad fulfilling his most important roles in the family difficult or impossible. Here are some stumbling blocks:

One or the other parent believes that it is the woman’s role to raise the children and the man’s role to be the breadwinner. This puts more stress on mom and means dad misses the joy of a warm relationship with his child.
Mom may believe that she is the only one who knows how to take care of a baby. She may be afraid for dad to handle the baby and make him feel even more incompetent to be dad. Or dad may get nauseous at the thought of wiping up after baby spews from mouth or bottom. He then disqualifies himself from doing anything with the baby.

These don’t have to be fatal to the relationship. How can you overcome these stumbling blocks? Ask for help. Be willing to help. Share your dreams. Share your fears (most new parents have some.) Pray for your baby before he or she is born. Pray for each other. And appreciate each other.

Good news! With good relationship skills before the pregnancy and practicing good conflict resolution during pregnancy and during baby’s first year, the marriage can be even stronger, and baby can have a solid family to develop in.

For now, here is one key thought: both mom and dad need to be involved in the baby’s care and development, and that starts before the baby is born. Each has specific roles to fill. Together, both parents have a wonderful, God-given potential to nurture our babies, teach them about trust and love, and model how to relate to others.

We will continue in the next few months to provide you with tools to help you communicate well with each other and continue to build your friendship and love so you can be the best mom and dad for your child.

I have written other articles for YourChildsJourney.com on How Important is Dad? and Bonding and Brain Chemicals. Do take a few minutes to read these articles as they add other aspects of Dad’s role and how to fulfill it.

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5 Truths that will Transform Your Parenting

August 5, 2016 By Diane Constantine

Transform-Parenting-cropped I found Sarah Ann’s web site, FaithAlongTheWay.com, and have been blessed by what she has written. Sarah gave me permission to reprint this article in First Steps this month and on our web site, YourChildsJourney.com.

These are truths that are so freeing when we believe them. I have shared these same ideas in parenting seminars before. But Sarah wrote this so well, I wanted to share these in her words. I hope you are as blessed by this as I have been.

5 Truths that will Transform Your Parenting

Motherhood.

It’s the greatest blessing wrapped into one messy and sleep-deprived adventure. From reading books to bandaging knees, motherhood is filled with moments of pure joy and precious memories to treasure for a lifetime.

But I found out early in my parenting, after my daughter was diagnosed with Autism, that I was making motherhood more difficult than it needed to be.

In my desire to be a “good mom”, I was wrapping myself in a cocoon of stress rather than savoring those sweet memories of her childhood.

It was then, wondering how my role as mom would change as we charted this new territory, that my view of parenting shifted and was changed forever. The gift of clarity that came from learning about my child’s condition lifted the fog from my eyes and I learned to savor what motherhood was about.

These simple truths can transform your parenting, too. When you view parenting through these truths, your perspective will shift forever!

You’re not perfect.

As moms, we try to feign some resemblance of perfection. We are so desperate for other women to think we excel at motherhood, and we put on a mask of perfection that prohibits others from seeing our true selves.

When we take off the mask and expose ourselves for who we are, moms that fumble through life and sometimes struggle to stay afloat, we create unity and transparency with others. Our fellow moms who watch us juggle life from the outside, will be thrilled to see the reality of our parenting woes. Not ruled by mean ambition or ill-will, others will be relieved that we’re human and that we struggle at times, too.

Underneath our shrouds of perfection, we’re terrified of messing up our kids and praying that our best will be good enough in the end, even though as moms, sometimes we struggle with managing our own feelings, including mom anger.

Parenthood is not a competition or a Pinterest post.

From over-the-top birthday parties to elaborate vacation plans, moms unknowingly compete to be the best and have the best. Instead of building others up, moms tend to disdainfully judge every aspect of another family’s life.

Yet that’s not what wants God from us.

He calls us to show love by being respectful, no matter how another chooses to parent or whether or not she feeds her family an all organic diet.

What is right for your family may not be right for another, so call off the cavalry and stop competing with each other!

A season of difficulty does not define your child or your parenting.

When in a season where your child has let you down {if they haven’t yet- they will!}, remember that this does not define your child or your ability to parent. There will be moments and seasons of struggle, disobedience, and rebellion as he/she finds their way in the world.

Hit your knees and pray for guidance; trusting that God will be faithful to reveal your next steps on your journey through parenthood.
Draw strength and peace from His Word alone, trusting that He is working in the heart and life of your child.
Allow yourself to grow as a parent and for God to refine your character through this trial as well.

These truths will change your parenting, even on the hard days.

Give more grace to your child than they deserve.

It’s human nature to want to hold a grudge and to turn a cold shoulder to those who have hurt or wronged us in some way. Parenting is no different, and it can be tempting to carry around anger and resentment against a child who has consistently done wrong.

Instead of acting in the flesh, give more grace to your little offender than he/she deserves. Be gracious to your child when they stumble, modeling the grace offered freely at the cross to you. After all, your child is a sinner, too, and it’s your job to point them to Jesus in action and in words.

God gave your child to YOU for a reason.

In those times your parenting journey is tough and overwhelming, it can be easy to question what God is doing.

Remember, He hand-picked YOU to be your child’s parent and has equipped YOU to thrive in that role.

Grab your Bible, the greatest parenting book of all, and pray specifically for strength, wisdom, and grace to penetrate every fiber of your being.

May you learn to radiate the love of Jesus to your child, and to be an example of the hands and feet of Jesus as you trust that God does not make mistakes.

May He who placed you with your family members lavish you with joy on the journey of parenthood, today and always.

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Thank you, Sarah Ann for sharing this wonderful article with us.

Blessings!

Diane

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Sarah Ann has some excellent resources for moms and families.

Be sure to visit her web site: Faith Along the Way
When you can join her list for weekly encouragement she will offer one of her freebies.
If you are struggling with anger, why not check out her on-line course, 7 Days to a Less Angry Mom, to help keep your emotions in check. With 7 videos and over 50 workbook pages to help you examine your true responses to motherhood frustrations, this course will help even the best of moms combat feelings of mom anger for good. With the early bird price of $29 and bonus videos to help you help your child, this is a resource every mom needs!

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Is Good Good Enough?

May 7, 2015 By Diane Constantine Leave a Comment

With so many sources of information and mis-information, it is easy to feel overwhelmed and insufficient. There is no area of our lives where we are as vulnerable as in our mothering.

We have had years of instruction in most other areas of life, but rarely any formal training in parenting. We may have had some classes in birthing, but what about after that screaming bundle of needs is in our arms? We are usually pretty much left on our own to discover how to be a mom.

Our culture is more child-centered than when our parents were raising us. We feel more pressured to do everything right. We live with the fear that no matter how our child turns out, all his flaws will be our fault. We don’t want to hear the criticism, so we strive to be “perfect.”

Add to this, the experience we had in our own home growing up. If it was good, we want to copy that and find, to our frustration, it isn’t possible in our fast-paced world. If it was not good, we try to do the opposite and often find ourselves repeating the faults or erring to the other extreme.

So we look for reassurance that we are good moms. But is good good enough?

As Christians we have some help.

God was the perfect parent, and look how his first two kids turned out! Being perfect wouldn’t promise our children would be any better than His.

God created the whole universe and everything in it. His commentary about it was, “It is good.” He was satisfied with His creation being good, not great or perfect. So good is good enough.

We are not left on our own to figure out how to parent our own children. God promises that if we ask for wisdom, He will surely give it to us. His wisdom goes beyond what we can see with our eyes to what is in the heart. We only have to ask.

He has the perfect solution for our failures. He promises that if we confess our sins, He will forgive us and cleanse us from unrighteousness. He teaches us to be humble and admit our sins and to make amends wherever possible. So we can confess to our children when we do something wrong and ask their forgiveness, as well as God’s. Children are so forgiving and gracious. And it teaches them how to handle their own failures.

And we can ask God to fill the needs our children have that we are not capable to fill. He has provisions we cannot even imagine!

Remember:

You are the best mom for your children. No one else could do it better than you. Really!
You know them best of anyone. Your ‘instincts’ plus God’s prompting will help you know if you should do something differently.
Share your concerns and your frustrations with another mom. You’ll soon learn you are not alone!
Your kids will grow out of the ‘stage’ they are in now. They will get past these issues.
No matter what: pray, pray, pray! God is Faithful and He will answer.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Diane