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Your Child's Journey

wisdom for the big steps little children take

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Repair and Compromise

December 6, 2017 By Diane Constantine

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This is the final article for the Child-Ready Marriage series, Dealing with Conflicts. We’re hoping that you have discovered ways to improve your communication and deal with conflicts. With these skills in place, you will be better able to parent your children together.

In the last article we discussed Solvable vs Perpetual Problems  In this article we’re going to discuss Repair and Compromise.

All couples have disagreements that turn negative. What we do when we realize it is headed for anger and hurt feelings, can make all the difference. This is the point where we can make a Repair Attempt. It won’t always work, but the more you practice the attempt and the repair, the better your communication will become with each other.

We make an attempt at repair when we try to stop emotions from getting out of control or words from becoming angry and hurtful or hostile actions from starting. One partner says something calming or reasonable or asks for a break. A repair happens when the other partner accepts the attempt and responds appropriately to the attempt. The goal here is to calm down so you can find common ground from which to find a solution or compromise.

Please click, Gottman Repair Checklist for your copy of ways to attempt a repair. You may want to look at it and see possible ways to attempt a repair in arguments you and your spouse have. These will feel really strange to use at first, but as you practice them, they will significantly shorten and de-escalate your arguments.

Whether our conflict is solvable or perpetual, compromise is necessary. If it is on the level of an irritation that causes frustration, the solution can be reached just by mutual agreement of a change to be made.

But when the conflict is more serious or a recurring perpetual problem, a compromise is necessary to find a workable solution for the time being. Compromise is defined by Mike Constantine as  “A mutual adjustment for the sake of improvement.” This means neither one gets their way 100% or gives in 100%. It means both choose to yield in some ways to improve the relationship.

Please get your copy of, The Compromise Exercise. The Compromise Exercise is a good one to discover areas where we can and cannot yield. Each of you takes  a copy of the exercise.

  • Carefully consider your beliefs and your limitations concerning the issue at hand.
  • In the center circle, write your most minimal core areas on which you cannot yield. Remember, you cannot have it all. But what part are you unable to yield?
  • In the outside circle, write those parts of the situation on which you can yield.

When you are both ready, compare your charts. You may not have been aware of your spouse’s core areas on which they cannot yield. This gives you a chance to discuss why this is so vital to your spouse. With understanding, compromise is easier. You may easily see the parts you each can yield and a way to solve the problem for now or even permanently.

If you get to this point and you cannot find a solution yourselves; please talk to a counselor, pastor, or a wise friend you both trust. From another view point, often a path can be seen to peace that is hard to find when you are in the midst of conflict. Don’t let something like this simmer and destroy your friendship and your marriage. Nothing is worth that kind of damage.

Continue to deepen your love for your spouse by always learning more and better ways to reach their heart. Build your friendship.


If you have questions or comments you would like to make, please email, Diane.

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Filed Under: All Ages, BBH Tagged With: argument, compromise, conflict, repair

Take-a-Break!

August 29, 2017 By Diane Constantine

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The last lesson was about a Gentle Start up to conflicts. Since conversations and conflicts usually end on the same note that they began, how we bring up a problem is very, very important.

Many of us don’t think about how we are going to discuss a problem in our relationship. We would all improve our communication if we would think first. If you didn’t read the last lesson, why not take a few minutes to read, The Gentle Start-up.

When we don’t take the time to plan how to discuss and use a gentle start-up, we often get into a heated argument. Sometimes something just happens and we blow up before we even think. So what can we do when we realize we’ve stepped into a whirlwind of emotions?

Remember we talked about how to help a baby who is overstimulated? First you stop what you were doing with your child and you give them time to self-soothe. Taking a break uses the same principle. Stop the discussion right where it is and each one takes the time to self-soothe.

Taking a break is not the same thing as stonewalling. In stonewalling, we retreat from the conversation by leaving, either physically or emotionally. We quit talking and refuse to connect again in the discussion.

When an argument begins to spin out of control, we feel the physical symptoms of arousal; faster pulse and higher blood pressure. We begin having trouble processing new information and have difficulty listening. This certainly isn’t the atmosphere for solving our dilemma.

One or both of you may begin this process we call ‘flooding.’ You should have a previously agreed on signal that you can use when you need to take a break. It may be the sports signal making a T with your hands for ‘Time Out’, or something else you agree on.

At that point, you both agree to take a break. You set a time when you will begin again. A good length of time is about 20-30 minutes. It takes your body that long to de-escalate from the fight or flight flooding.

What you do with this time is vital to the process.

  • Don’t take the time to rehearse your arguments and try to plan an attack that cannot be refuted. Don’t just nurse your frustration and wallow in your emotions. Take a break!
  • Do whatever it is that is relaxing for you. Take a walk, take a bath, meditate, listen to lovely calming music, take a power nap. Whatever you do, make the goal calming yourself.

Resume the discussion when you are both calmed down.

  • Make it your goal to address the issue, not attack each other.
  • Keep your voices down and avoid harsh words or tone.
  • Try to understand what your spouse is saying.

In the next few lessons we’ll talk more about ways to come to an agreement that benefits your relationship.

 Exercise:

Talk with your spouse about what signal you will use when you need to take a time out from a conflict.

Think about what activities are the most calming to you. Take 20 minutes calming yourself now. Then have a nice chat about something you like about your spouse. See how nice it feels? We can accomplish so much more when we are not flooded and stressed.

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Filed Under: All Ages, BBH Tagged With: argument, calm, communication, relax

Gentle Start-Up Exercise

August 2, 2017 By Diane Constantine

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Take turns reading one of the Harsh Start-up statements. The other will try to turn the Harsh Start-up into a Gentle Start-up. If you have trouble doing this, then work together to find a way you agree would be a Gentle Start-up if this were a problem in your marriage. Make this a team exercise, not an excuse to criticize or complain.

Harsh Start-ups:

  1. We never do anything fun anymore. You are a workaholic!
  2. You haven’t helped me with chores for weeks. I’m exhausted and you don’t even notice.
  3. You’re so thoughtless. You don’t call me when you’ll be late or ever bring me flowers.
  4. You always talk about yourself. Do you even care about my day?
  5. You aren’t attracted to me anymore! You flirt with everyone else.
  6. We got a collection notice today. You are irresponsible about paying our bills.
  7. You never play with the kids. You’re a lousy parent.
  8. You never say, “No” to the kids. You spoil the kids and I look like the ‘bad guy.”
  9. Go back to the store for the things you didn’t buy!
  10. You’re a slob! Look at this mess.

Need some help in softening these harsh start-ups?

  • Think about ways to remember some success in the past in this trouble area. Affirm and appreciate any past success or progress in this area.
  • Replace “never” and “always” with a statement about the current problem not the past.
  • Think about what the “real” issue is instead of poking at several issues.
  • Eliminate character assassination or name calling.
  • Find ways to use “I” statements instead of “You” statements.

 

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Filed Under: All Ages, BBH Tagged With: argument, communication

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