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So What about Intimacy After Baby?

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Most couples find intimacy drops after baby arrives. The hormones that flood our brains immediately after baby’s arrival, actually lower our sex drive for a period of time. This gives us the energy to deal with the stresses of a new baby and healing after delivery and while nursing is established. But all too often, couples do not resume a satisfying sex life.

There are proven ways to reignite your sexual desire for your spouse and find a new or even better intimacy than before baby.

As we talked about in the first few lessons in this Child-Ready series, enriching your friendship is vital. It is easy to slip into the habit of just talking about work, chores, and stress. We become exhausted by all that needs to be done in a day and add to that interrupted nights’ sleep and it is a recipe for friction and isolation.

Intimacy is rooted in a good friendship. So make your friendship a priority. Continue learning about your spouse every day. Be sensitive to your spouse’s appeals for connection and respond in loving ways. Affirm your spouse and appreciate all they are doing.

Do little and thoughtful things for each other. These are not hard tasks that take a long time. They are finding ways to let your spouse know you love and appreciate them. It is showing you are aware of what they are facing and what they need. Of course we still need to do the big things, but it is the little extras that you do because you want to do them that makes your spouse feel they are worth your time, attention, and love.

Look for opportunities for non-sexual affection. Enjoy touching each other for the joy it brings. Relax in one another’s arms. Rediscover the pleasure of kissing. There is something powerful in creating the “just us” element in your relationship. Holding hands, hugs, and tender touch are great ways to affirm your love for your partner. Physical affection sets the stage for sexual touch that is focused on pleasure.

Make sex a priority. Schedule it sometimes so you can look forward to it. Anticipation is a great aphrodisiac. Other times grabbing a moment for a “quickie” lets our spouse know we still enjoy their lovemaking.

Discuss your needs, desires, and frustrations

The Masters talk about their needs, desires, and frustrations in love-making. It is awkward to talk about. But here are a few guidelines that will make these discussions helpful and not harmful.

  • Be kind and positive in the way you talk about love-making. Do not criticize! Mention successes, not failures.
  • Be patient. Give your spouse time to put their feelings into words. Let your spouse know that what they say is safe with you.
  • Be flexible. Be willing to try something new. Sometimes a small adjustment makes all the difference in our partner’s pleasure.
  • Find acceptable ways to let your spouse know you are interested in sex or that you are not. You may need a non-verbal signal to avoid misunderstanding cues. The fact is, every couple will miss the signals sometimes. Don’t make a federal case out of it. A cuddle instead of sex may be the best alternative this time or may even warm up the one who lacked interest in the beginning.

What you go through in the weeks and months after baby’s arrival is common to all parents. What you do to and for each other can make all the difference in coping with the changes. If you practice building your friendship, turning towards instead of away from your spouse, and dealing better with your conflicts; you can navigate the intimacy changes like a Master. Don’t just hope things will get better. Take action and get help if you need it.

Toys, Toys, Toys

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Do your kids ever say they are bored when their room is littered with toys? Maybe they have too many toys. It is not just the gifts you give your kids, but your extended family may give them way too many. Children get overwhelmed if there are too many toys to choose to play with. They also learn to be more grateful for the toys they have when they don’t see so many at one time.

Here are a few ideas to help with this ‘good’ problem:

  • Keep some of their gifts in reserve for another season when your children get fewer new things.
  • Sort their toys. Whichever ones they have out-grown, sell or give away. Children may even get involved in giving good, used toys to a children’s home. (Not all kids can tolerate seeing old favorites go out the door. Be sensitive to their feelings.)
  • Rotate their toys. Put some of their toys out of sight to rotate with the toys they are currently enjoying. When a toy reappears it is even more enjoyable.

Gift Giving

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Are you going into debt to give gifts? How long will the things you buy satisfy and please your children? What are your children learning through these gifts?

Consider these ideas about gift giving:

  • Don’t go into debt for gifts. They are much more fun to give when you don’t have to face credit card bills in the New Year.
  • Involve your children in buying gifts for each other and family members.
  • Include your children in sharing Christmas joy with those less fortunate.
  • Invite those who have no family of their own to share your holiday celebrations.
  • Make a memory instead of buying things. (Take your kids to some event or place and spend time together doing something they won’t forget.)

My most memorable childhood Christmases were when we brought an orphan girl to share a few days with us during the holiday season. We each made gifts for her as we did for each other. Other years we helped mom shop for food baskets to take to poor families who lived near-by. We often went as a family to visit older family members and took them homemade cookies or other treats we helped to make.

Repair and Compromise

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This is the final article for the Child-Ready Marriage series, Dealing with Conflicts. We’re hoping that you have discovered ways to improve your communication and deal with conflicts. With these skills in place, you will be better able to parent your children together.

In the last article we discussed Solvable vs Perpetual Problems  In this article we’re going to discuss Repair and Compromise.

All couples have disagreements that turn negative. What we do when we realize it is headed for anger and hurt feelings, can make all the difference. This is the point where we can make a Repair Attempt. It won’t always work, but the more you practice the attempt and the repair, the better your communication will become with each other.

We make an attempt at repair when we try to stop emotions from getting out of control or words from becoming angry and hurtful or hostile actions from starting. One partner says something calming or reasonable or asks for a break. A repair happens when the other partner accepts the attempt and responds appropriately to the attempt. The goal here is to calm down so you can find common ground from which to find a solution or compromise.

Please click, Gottman Repair Checklist for your copy of ways to attempt a repair. You may want to look at it and see possible ways to attempt a repair in arguments you and your spouse have. These will feel really strange to use at first, but as you practice them, they will significantly shorten and de-escalate your arguments.

Whether our conflict is solvable or perpetual, compromise is necessary. If it is on the level of an irritation that causes frustration, the solution can be reached just by mutual agreement of a change to be made.

But when the conflict is more serious or a recurring perpetual problem, a compromise is necessary to find a workable solution for the time being. Compromise is defined by Mike Constantine as  “A mutual adjustment for the sake of improvement.” This means neither one gets their way 100% or gives in 100%. It means both choose to yield in some ways to improve the relationship.

Please get your copy of, The Compromise Exercise. The Compromise Exercise is a good one to discover areas where we can and cannot yield. Each of you takes  a copy of the exercise.

  • Carefully consider your beliefs and your limitations concerning the issue at hand.
  • In the center circle, write your most minimal core areas on which you cannot yield. Remember, you cannot have it all. But what part are you unable to yield?
  • In the outside circle, write those parts of the situation on which you can yield.

When you are both ready, compare your charts. You may not have been aware of your spouse’s core areas on which they cannot yield. This gives you a chance to discuss why this is so vital to your spouse. With understanding, compromise is easier. You may easily see the parts you each can yield and a way to solve the problem for now or even permanently.

If you get to this point and you cannot find a solution yourselves; please talk to a counselor, pastor, or a wise friend you both trust. From another view point, often a path can be seen to peace that is hard to find when you are in the midst of conflict. Don’t let something like this simmer and destroy your friendship and your marriage. Nothing is worth that kind of damage.

Continue to deepen your love for your spouse by always learning more and better ways to reach their heart. Build your friendship.

If you have questions or comments you would like to make, please email, Diane.

Hear Your Child

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Most modern parents are frustrated that they cannot spend more time with their children. We wonder how we can make the most of the time we do have.

Ellen Mady recently wrote about how she is taking advantage of the time she has with her child. Every evening she asks three questions of her three year old. His answers give her a window into his thoughts, experiences, and feelings. She really listens and responds to what she hears. Her two year old also  listens to these conversations and is beginning to be really interested too. Her three questions:

  • What is something that made you smile today?
  • What is something that made you cry today?
  • What is something that you learned today?

She says, “I want our kids to feel comfortable coming to us later on in their life when they find something challenging, need a shoulder to lean on or just want to share a success. That won’t come out of nowhere. Teaching our children when they are very young that sharing as a family is something good and normal builds a sense of security and trust that will help keep communication pathways open later on.”