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Your Child's Journey

wisdom for the big steps little children take

You are here: Home / Archives for self esteem

Affirm Your Child

March 3, 2017 By Diane Constantine

There is much being written today about building our child’s self-esteem. It is a hot topic. Some of the advice is good and healthy for our children, some of it is bunk. Let me try to take the mystery out of this topic.

We have talked about affirmation and appreciation between mom and dad. Affirmation goes a long way to reducing stress and increasing pleasure with our spouse. It is also one of the best ways to help our children develop a healthy self-esteem.

Our modern culture wants everyone to feel good all the time. With that goal in mind, we are pressured to praise others for everything and give awards for mere attendance. This kind of empty, insincere praise backfires.

Kids have different reactions to weak praise. Some kids begin to feel they are already perfect and no longer need practice. Others try to be perfect and feel they constantly fail. For others praise confuses them. For instance, when they know they didn’t do well, but are told, “That was terrific,” they don’t know whether to trust their own instincts or what is being said about them. Others learn that praise is lying.

Affirmation, according to Mirriam-Webster, is ‘to say that something is true in a confident way.’

What does affirmation do for a child?

Affirmation helps children develop positive foundations on which to grow. Once we have matured, it is hard to change those foundations.

  • Affirmation helps children have confidence in themselves.
  • Affirmation helps children recognize what they are competent to do.
  • Affirmation helps children learn how to use their skills to contribute to others.
  • Affirmation builds resiliency in children to deal with the stresses in life.
  • Affirmation lets children know they are accepted, loved, and supported.

What does affirmation sound like? Here are some examples:

  • “I’m proud of you because . . .”
  • “That was such a good decision.” (Explain why it was good.)
  • “You worked so hard at . . .”
  • “I like how you answered that question. It shows you are really thinking.”
  • “You are such a good example to . . .”
  • “You were so brave when. . .”
  • “That was such a kind thing to do.”
  • “Thank you for honoring me by . . .”
  • “You are the kind of friend I wanted when I was your age.”
  • “You have a great sense of humor.”
  • “Your room looks great. You cleaned it so well.”
  • “You made this? It is beautiful.”
  • “You’re building strong muscles doing that job.”
  • “You inspire people when you . . .”
  • “You never give up on a hard job.”
  • “Your life matters.”
  • “It takes a big person to be honest like you just were.”
  • “You are really polite. I was proud to introduce you as my child.”
  • “You did this by yourself? Amazing.”

You can affirm, even when your child didn’t do well.

  • “I know you worked as hard for that C as many students work for an A. You are diligent.”
  • “I know you’re disappointed that you didn’t win. I’m so proud of you for trying.”
  • “It can be hard to come in second, but it looked like you did your best. Someone else was just better. Keep trying, maybe next time you’ll win.”
  • “I know you feel bad about your mistake. What do you think you can do differently next time?”
  • “Ah, that was a bad decision. I know you’ll learn from it and make a different choice next time.”
  • “I’m glad you told me about this. I love you and will always be here for you. We can work together to solve this problem.”

When is a good time to affirm your child?

  • When you are teaching your child a new skill. Affirm their attempts and even partial successes along the way.
  • When you see a spark of interest or a flash of brilliance. A little affirmation may turn that interest into a lifelong pastime or future employment.
  • When your child used one of his skills or knowledge to help someone else.
  • When you speak highly of them to another adult in their hearing.
  • When you show them physical affection, speak affirming words.
  • When you recognize they have a better idea than you do about something.
  • When they have made a good decision.

If you realize you have been heaping meaningless praise on your child, now is a good time to pay attention to what you say to your child. Don’t fill their ears with, “You’re so pretty” or “You’re so big” or “Good boy.” Instead tell them what praiseworthy behavior you’ve observed in them or good attitudes they’ve shown or how what they have done has made someone else’s life better. Everyone tends to live up to the good opinions of others or down to their criticisms. A parent’s opinion carries even more weight.

Exercise:

  1. Look through the list of affirmation starters. Choose one or two that you can tailor-make to suit your child. Remember affirmation is saying something true in a confident way. So, make sure you can say it honestly and then be specific so your child knows what you saw as good.
  2. Choose a good time to give your affirmation to your child. Don’t say it when you are likely to be interrupted or distracted. Look for a time your child’s heart is open.
  3. Linger a little and be ready to listen to how your child responds or what questions they may ask. This can give you a clue as to how or what they would love to hear from you next time.

I know you can make a difference in your child’s life as you affirm them.


For more articles on parenting, check out: The Child-Ready Marriage

 

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Filed Under: All Ages, The Child-Ready Marriage Tagged With: affirm, self esteem

Helicopter Parent

November 5, 2013 By Diane Constantine Leave a Comment

‘Helicopter Parent’ is a term first used by teens who said their parents would hover over them like a helicopter. It came to mean a style of parenting that over-focuses on the children. These parents typically take too much responsibility for their children’s experiences and specifically, their successes or failures. “It means being involved in a child’s life in a way that is overcontrolling, overprotecting, and overperfecting, in a way that is in excess of responsible parenting,” explains Dr. Ann Dunnewold, author of Even June Cleaver Would Forget the Juice Box.

My husband made a power point that he uses in seminars called, “Are You a Hyper-parent?” This is the opposite extreme from the parents who abdicate their parental responsibilities and let a nanny or caregiver raise their child. A neighbor of ours in Penang took her month-old baby to a care-giver on Sunday afternoons and only brought her home after work on Friday night. It is hard to imagine that child ever having a relationship with her parents.

But for this letter I’m talking about hyper parenting while the child is a toddler and preschooler. A hyper parent of a toddler constantly shadows the child, always plays with and directs his behavior and allows him zero time alone.

Of course, we need to watch out for our children to make sure the environment is safe. We want to ensure they have everything they need to develop well. However, it is impractical and not even good to be constantly focused on the child.

There are a few reasons one might feel they must hover:

  • Parents can be afraid for their child’s safety or proper development or health. Minor symptoms or deviations from average seem life-threatening to the parent.
  • Overcompensation so their children don’t have to experience the lacks or pains of their parents’ childhood, drive some to hover.
  • Parents feel they are in competition with other parents to raise the best and brightest children.

There are results of helicopter parenting that are opposite to the desired outcome. Here are a few that are well-documented:

  • Lower self-confidence and self-esteem. When parents hover, children feel their parents don’t trust them to do things on their own. They will not want to try new things for fear of failure or disappointing their parents.
  • Inability to accomplish activities of daily living. These children do not know how to tie their shoes, zip their jackets, or clean up after themselves long after they are mentally and physically capable of doing these things for themselves.
  • Lack of coping skills. When parents try to prevent failure or disappointments, children do not learn to cope with loss or complications. They feel less competent to deal with stress in their lives.
  • Increased anxiety. A study from the University of Mary Washington shows that overparenting is associated with higher levels of child anxiety and depression.
  • Develop a sense of entitlement. when their lives are smoothed out ahead of them, they expect to always have their own way.

So how can the parents of a baby or toddler avoid hovering like a helicopter over their children:

  • Make sure your baby or toddler has a child-proofed area to play in and give them things to play with that they cannot hurt and cannot hurt them.
  • Give your child some time to just play by herself every day. Choose a time when she is awake, fed, dry, and playful. Give her some toys to choose from and tell her you will be back in a few minutes.
  • Every time you leave the room, tell your child you will be back. This helps them learn to trust you will return and not demand your constant presence.
  • Encourage your baby or child to try new things. Reward good effort, not just success, with positive attention.
  • When your child tried but could not yet do something, say something like, “You can try again tomorrow. One day soon, you will be a pro at this.”
  • Whenever your child is trying and trying and getting frustrated, change to some other activity. Don’t wait until they have a meltdown. You can let them try some more at another time when they are more relaxed.
  • If you are teaching a complicated skill, you do most of it—talking all the time about what you are doing. Stop before the very last step and help your child do the last step. For example when you are teaching him to put on his own shirt. Talk about how you know which is the front or the back, how you open it up, how they put their head through the collar, how they wiggle their arm to find the arm hole, then stop. Have him pop his hand out through the sleeve. Then when he is good at that, have him find the arm hole and pop his hand through. Then allow him to push his head through the collar, find the arm hole and pop his hands through. It means that your child always ends with a success in learning that task.
  • Watch your First Steps bulletins for more suggestions for ways to help your child develop new skills. Most of the skills require you showing your child how to do something and then helping him or her practice.

Most parents have times of worry about their children, but don’t allow yourself to become obsessed with your children. Pray for your children. Provide a safe a place for them to be. Stay attentive to them. And then relax and let them be children and learn by trying. You will be more relaxed and they will be happier, more successful. Sure, your child will fail or be disappointed sometimes, but in the end you will have a son or daughter who knows how to cope with life.

If you have any questions or comments, please email me at: Diane

Filed Under: All Ages, Kindergarten, Preschooler Tagged With: independence, over protection, self esteem

2 Years 6 Months Girl

September 1, 2009 By Diane Constantine Leave a Comment

Opposites

Two-and-a-half is the most unpredictable preschool age. She will shift from one extreme to the other without warning. This is not because she purposely wants to confuse you or irritate you or defy you. The reason for this changeability lies in a giant step she is taking in decision making.

She is discovering opposites and alternate choices. She understands yes and no, run and stop, take and give, come and go, etc. But now she cannot sort out the relative merits of these opposites for any particular situation. She is not yet capable of thinking of only one to the exclusion of the other.

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Month-by-Month Girl Tagged With: music, preschool, self esteem

2 Years 6 Months Boy

September 1, 2009 By Diane Constantine Leave a Comment

Opposites

Two-and-a-half is the most unpredictable preschool age. He will shift from one extreme to the other without warning. This is not because he purposely wants to confuse you or irritate you or defy you. The reason for this changeability lies in a giant step he is taking in decision making.

He is discovering opposites and alternate choices. He understands yes and no, run and stop, take and give, come and go, etc. But now he cannot sort out the relative merits of these opposites for any particular situation. He is not yet capable of thinking of only one to the exclusion of the other.

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Month-by-Month Boy Tagged With: music, preschool, self esteem

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