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Your Child's Journey

wisdom for the big steps little children take

You are here: Home / Archives for independence

Cultivating Creativity

June 25, 2015 By Diane Constantine

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I wrote the following as part of an article in the late ‘80s. Your baby may be very small and you don’t yet realize how hard it is to listen to a toddler’s long stories. Or your little child may keep trying to do things that seem silly or scary to you. Maybe some of the ideas in this article will help you cultivate creativity instead of stifling a gift God wants your child to develop.

Seldom a Discouraging Word

When Mike and I were courting, he knew that I was shy and didn’t like to do anything new. In fact, my fears made me rigid. Although flexibility is important for marriage, Mike looked beyond that lack and saw potential. God gave him wisdom to help me to get out of my prison. He didn’t dynamite the foundation and leave me fully exposed to the world I feared. At first Mike only built steps so I could peek over the top and see a whole world of new possibilities. God created in me a desire to feel the fresh breezes and sunshine, to try something new, to expand my horizons.

When I expressed an interest in doing something new, Mike would reply, “Why not?” I’d have reasons ready for him, but he would show me that my reasons weren’t real. Seeing the truth set me free and little by little the walls came down. Mike’s encouragement was the key that released me to fulfill the desires God had put in my heart.

Some time ago I read Edith Schaeffer’s book, What is a Family? One chapter describes the family as “the birthplace of creativity.” She caused me to think about all the opportunities we have to discourage or encourage those around us to fulfill their God-given creative potential. This is one of her statements: “Parents, aunts and uncles, grandparents, and sisters and brothers can . . . stamp out, ridicule, and demolish the first attempts at creativity, and continue this demolition long enough to cripple spontaneous outbursts of creation.”

Most of us have experienced this kind of discouragement. For example, many students hate Speech class. Why? For years they have heard that what they say doesn’t make sense, or that it is stupid. Many of us would never try our hand at painting, not even in the secrecy of our own homes. Criticism has conditioned us to believe we will fail.

Perhaps our family life was good. People didn’t set out to hurt us. They were just doing what had been done to them. Thankfully, we don’t have to perpetuate the damage. We can establish an atmosphere of trust that allows everyone in the family to develop their talents fully.

Encouraging Creativity

Not stifling the creativity of a child is especially important. The capacity for genius may be hidden in the child until someone takes the time and patience to cultivate it. Those first efforts at drawing may not seem spectacular, but given the encouragement of a loving family, they may develop into a talent that will bless many.

When we lived in Africa, one of our American friends used her artistic talent to transform the atmosphere of their dull, dreary apartment. Due to the lack of good materials, it’s not easy to decorate a home in Nigeria. Using very simple methods and only what paint was available, she turned a large wall in her living room into a mural. She could have painted a scene of snow-capped mountains or autumn leaves. Instead, using only black paint, she created a striking silhouette of an African woman. It broke the monotony of the white walls, and showed her love for her new African friends as well.

Encouraging Adventure

Many new pursuits begin when we find the courage to talk about them. We must have the freedom to share our hopes and dreams. We need someone to listen to our “wild ideas.” A steady diet of words like, “That’s impossible!” or “Don’t be crazy!” soon closes the door to communication. Positive questions, on the other hand, open the door to new ideas.

When I was fifteen, I asked my mom what she thought about my going to South America for the summer as an exchange student. Immediately she called a travel agent to find out how much an air ticket would cost. I was stunned! She hadn’t laughed at me. Instead, she was seriously trying to see if there was any way to afford it.

That summer I spent in South America planted the desire to live overseas later in life. That seed, sowed in my fifteenth summer, bore fruit that has affected hundreds of lives in other countries and cultures.

The response we receive to our first effort at a new endeavor means everything. Will we continue developing our desires or will we crawl away in defeat? A friend’s understanding and honesty can make the difference.

Writing has not come easily for Mike or me, although he had some positive experiences in high school and college, and I didn’t. Today, we sometimes edit articles for each other. If we are too critical, not giving encouragement, the joy of writing dies before the spark of inspiration bursts to full flame. But if we start by looking at the idea and the general design, we inspire each other. That first positive response is so important. Once we see that the idea will work, the excitement and pleasure will carry us through the tedious process of editing and rewriting.

The friendly, supportive, responsive family life we share in our home has made it possible for me to leave the fortress of my fears. Now I rejoice in the freedom of accepting new challenges and learning new skills.

How many new steps have you encouraged your husband, wife, or children to make this year? The Lord is the Master Creator. Just look at the beautiful world He made. He made us to be creative, too. Make it your family’s goal to encourage new steps and new ventures. That kind of encouragement could release your child from his inner prison into new freedom and fulfillment.

I’d love to hear your responses to this article and how this works in your family.


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Filed Under: All Ages Tagged With: creativity, encouragement, independence, play

Helicopter Parent

November 5, 2013 By Diane Constantine Leave a Comment

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‘Helicopter Parent’ is a term first used by teens who said their parents would hover over them like a helicopter. It came to mean a style of parenting that over-focuses on the children. These parents typically take too much responsibility for their children’s experiences and specifically, their successes or failures. “It means being involved in a child’s life in a way that is overcontrolling, overprotecting, and overperfecting, in a way that is in excess of responsible parenting,” explains Dr. Ann Dunnewold, author of Even June Cleaver Would Forget the Juice Box.

My husband made a power point that he uses in seminars called, “Are You a Hyper-parent?” This is the opposite extreme from the parents who abdicate their parental responsibilities and let a nanny or caregiver raise their child. A neighbor of ours in Penang took her month-old baby to a care-giver on Sunday afternoons and only brought her home after work on Friday night. It is hard to imagine that child ever having a relationship with her parents.

But for this letter I’m talking about hyper parenting while the child is a toddler and preschooler. A hyper parent of a toddler constantly shadows the child, always plays with and directs his behavior and allows him zero time alone.

Of course, we need to watch out for our children to make sure the environment is safe. We want to ensure they have everything they need to develop well. However, it is impractical and not even good to be constantly focused on the child.

There are a few reasons one might feel they must hover:

  • Parents can be afraid for their child’s safety or proper development or health. Minor symptoms or deviations from average seem life-threatening to the parent.
  • Overcompensation so their children don’t have to experience the lacks or pains of their parents’ childhood, drive some to hover.
  • Parents feel they are in competition with other parents to raise the best and brightest children.

There are results of helicopter parenting that are opposite to the desired outcome. Here are a few that are well-documented:

  • Lower self-confidence and self-esteem. When parents hover, children feel their parents don’t trust them to do things on their own. They will not want to try new things for fear of failure or disappointing their parents.
  • Inability to accomplish activities of daily living. These children do not know how to tie their shoes, zip their jackets, or clean up after themselves long after they are mentally and physically capable of doing these things for themselves.
  • Lack of coping skills. When parents try to prevent failure or disappointments, children do not learn to cope with loss or complications. They feel less competent to deal with stress in their lives.
  • Increased anxiety. A study from the University of Mary Washington shows that overparenting is associated with higher levels of child anxiety and depression.
  • Develop a sense of entitlement. when their lives are smoothed out ahead of them, they expect to always have their own way.

So how can the parents of a baby or toddler avoid hovering like a helicopter over their children:

  • Make sure your baby or toddler has a child-proofed area to play in and give them things to play with that they cannot hurt and cannot hurt them.
  • Give your child some time to just play by herself every day. Choose a time when she is awake, fed, dry, and playful. Give her some toys to choose from and tell her you will be back in a few minutes.
  • Every time you leave the room, tell your child you will be back. This helps them learn to trust you will return and not demand your constant presence.
  • Encourage your baby or child to try new things. Reward good effort, not just success, with positive attention.
  • When your child tried but could not yet do something, say something like, “You can try again tomorrow. One day soon, you will be a pro at this.”
  • Whenever your child is trying and trying and getting frustrated, change to some other activity. Don’t wait until they have a meltdown. You can let them try some more at another time when they are more relaxed.
  • If you are teaching a complicated skill, you do most of it—talking all the time about what you are doing. Stop before the very last step and help your child do the last step. For example when you are teaching him to put on his own shirt. Talk about how you know which is the front or the back, how you open it up, how they put their head through the collar, how they wiggle their arm to find the arm hole, then stop. Have him pop his hand out through the sleeve. Then when he is good at that, have him find the arm hole and pop his hand through. Then allow him to push his head through the collar, find the arm hole and pop his hands through. It means that your child always ends with a success in learning that task.
  • Watch your First Steps bulletins for more suggestions for ways to help your child develop new skills. Most of the skills require you showing your child how to do something and then helping him or her practice.

Most parents have times of worry about their children, but don’t allow yourself to become obsessed with your children. Pray for your children. Provide a safe a place for them to be. Stay attentive to them. And then relax and let them be children and learn by trying. You will be more relaxed and they will be happier, more successful. Sure, your child will fail or be disappointed sometimes, but in the end you will have a son or daughter who knows how to cope with life.

If you have any questions or comments, please email me at: Diane

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Filed Under: All Ages, Kindergarten, Preschooler Tagged With: independence, over protection, self esteem

Letting Go

June 4, 2011 By Diane Constantine Leave a Comment

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The ice rink had been the scene of so many happy memories for a mom. Taking her daughter by the hand, she attempted to teach her how to soar around the ice. But they banged into each other, tripped each other, and were failing altogether. The daughter shook off the mom’s hand and tried to skate. She fell. The mom rushed to help her up and the daughter pushed her away. The mom told her to hold the guard rail. The daughter refused. On her feet again, in a heap on the ice, on her feet, sprawled on the ice, up again and again. By the time they left a couple hours later, the daughter was bruised and sore, but grinning delightedly. She could ice skate! She had learned how! She loved the freedom of sailing around that rink as much as her mother did.

This is a picture of the process of letting go.

I think the first time I realized I had to ‘let go’ of my baby was when he was safely tucked into his bassinet and I had to ‘let go’ of my watchful guard of him and surrender to sleep. You see, when we sleep, we are no longer in control. We are no longer able to watch and prevent disaster. I knew the risk was small that anything sinister could happen to him, but I had to ‘let go.’

[Read more…]

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Filed Under: All Ages Tagged With: independence

Being Spontaneous

October 16, 2010 By Diane Constantine Leave a Comment

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I received the following article from a Malaysian friend, Lai. She has a keen interest in children and helping parents in their challenging task of child rearing. I think it is encouraging to hear about how others raised good, successful children.

Maybe it is because we are so busy these days or maybe it is just out of fear, we do too much for our children. They are capable of so much more. When we teach them skills and then expect them to do them, we are teaching them to be the capable, diligent people we want them to be as adults. See how Lai did it. [Read more…]

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Filed Under: All Ages Tagged With: chores, independence, training

2 Years 2 Months Girl

August 16, 2009 By Diane Constantine Leave a Comment

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Curiosity or Dawdling?

Your toddler is constantly curious. She is curious about everything around her. She wants to see if there isn’t one more thing to learn about toys that she hasn’t played with in weeks. Did she really do everything possible with it? Does it still act the same way today as last time? How does water or sand or throwing affect it?

So is it any wonder that she doesn’t want to change activities on your schedule? Remember, time doesn’t have any meaning to a two year old. You may begin teaching her concepts like, later, soon, and never, but she doesn’t get it yet.

[Read more…]

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Filed Under: Month-by-Month Girl Tagged With: dawdling, handedness, independence, waiting

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