Solvable vs Perpetual Problems

October 31, 2017 By Diane Constantine

Our last lesson was about accepting your spouse’s influence.

Accepting your spouse’s point of view does not mean you have to totally agree with them or do things the way they think it must be done. It does mean, however, you have to respect their opinion. You identify and empathize with your spouse’s point of view.

Solvable and Perpetual Problems

We need to be aware that not every problem is solvable. In other words, there may not be a way to come to agreement on many issues that you face in your marriage. There are Solvable problems and Perpetual problems.

Solvable problems are mostly irritants and annoyances that cause minimal frustration. These can be resolved because there is room for negotiating and compromise.

Perpetual problems on the other hand, are more intense and recur periodically. These problems usually have some underlying root for the conflict. They may have to do with personality differences, issues brought into the marriage, or the meaning attached to an action. Gottman’s research indicates as many as 69% of relationship problems are perpetual.

When perpetual problems resurface, we try to find the best workable solution for the time being. Knowing we cannot agree, we make a decision about our actions for the near future.

For example for years, my husband would want complete accounting for any money I spent while he was away on a trip. I was never careless with money, so I resented what seemed like his distrust of me. This was a perpetual problem. I tried different methods of keeping track of what I spent. These ‘solutions’ each worked for a while and then we’d have another argument.

Finally after many years, he told me he didn’t want to be that way. Just knowing he realized it was his problem and that he wanted to change, helped me tremendously. He had been very poor as a young adult and needed to watch every cent. He realized that it was no longer an issue. Understanding that, I was able to take his questions with more grace. And over time, he no longer asked at all.

Dealing with Perpetual Problems

So perpetual problems can have a temporary compromise. They will crop up again because the root problem has not been solved. Sometimes we just have to agree to disagree, but not be disagreeable about the issue.

Solvable Problem Exercise:

Categories of Disagreements

Household chores
Childcare
Diet, food or nutrition issues
In-laws and extended family
Recreation and having fun
Friends
Balancing Career and family
Handling stress
Other (please specify)

Instructions:

Review the list of common disagreements. Choose just one area that you want to work on.
Write a description of the problem you want to discuss.
Discuss ways you could compromise to solve this problem.

Choose a relatively small problem that seems to have a solution. Don’t choose a perpetual problem, one that comes up over and over.

Example:

Topic: Childcare

Description: I am often late getting our child from day care. I never know exactly when I can leave work, but my car has the car seat. My husband gets off at the same time every day, but he always stops to pick up dinner on his way home. Maybe if we switched chores, it would work better.

“The next time your spouse makes a complaint, think about it as their way of communicating how important the issue is to them – not as an attack on you. Then, instead of getting defensive, identify the reasonable part of their request, and yield to win. By identifying and empathizing with your partner’s point of view, you are more likely to find a solution that honors both of you.” From The Marriage Minute- Yield to Win

Accepting Influence

September 26, 2017 By Diane Constantine

Accepting influence is one of the most important ingredients for a healthy, happy marriage. Accepting our spouse’s influence is most important in conflict, yet it is the hardest time to do it. So, deciding ahead of time that you will accept influence is a great way to gain more respect, power, and influence in your marriage. It is the way to win. Both of you win. If only one wins in arguments, both really lose.

Gottman’s research shows that men, more frequently than women, have difficulty accepting influence from their wives. All their training and culture tune men to take a decisive lead and make decisions. BUT, statistically speaking, when a man is not willing to share power with his wife, there is an 81% chance that his marriage will self-destruct. The husband may think he has won the argument, but he has lost the war. His wife will either become weak and unwilling to participate in any decision making or she will sabotage his plans and become passive-aggressive.

Though men may statistically be more prone to unwillingness to accept influence, I’ve met my share of women who will not accept their husband’s influence. They destroy their marriages too.

The happiest, most stable marriages are those where neither one resists power-sharing and decision-making.

Unwillingness to accept influence, share power, and share decision-making is most easily seen when criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling are part of most arguments. These behaviors will poison the marriage and are great predictors of marriage failure.

Kyle Benson, writing for The Gottman Institute, describes a few different ways to help see the other person’s point of view. If we cannot see the problem from their perspective, it is nearly impossible to accept their influence in finding a solution.

Kyle starts with the assumption that every situation can yield two different yet valid perspectives that deserve equal weight. When my perspective seems so correct, how can I accept influence from my husband when his perspective is so different?!

Here are the three ways Mr. Benson describes to help us see another point of view.

The Conflict is the Space Between

Picture you and your spouse on two separate islands with murky water between. If you are going to see from your mate’s perspective, you would have to travel to your partner’s island to see as they see. Look at the problem as the murky water between your islands and focus on clearing that up. After the water’s cleaner, both of you can dive below the surface and discover what is actually going on.

Accusations, assumptions, or criticisms muddy the water and make the real problem and solution impossible to find. Stop these negative attitudes and words and be willing to listen, really listen, to your spouse. Then you can dip deep and discover the real issue.

Finding the Elephant in the Room

Perhaps you’ve seen the illustration of six blind men touching an elephant and declaring what is in the room. They say it is a pillar (leg), a rope (tail), a thick branch (trunk), a huge fan (ear), a wall (belly) and a solid pipe (tusk).

In practically every fight there is an invisible elephant in the room. The truth about the elephant lies somewhere between these perspectives. In other words, acknowledge that your mate’s perspective is just as valid as yours. You don’t have to agree, but in order to work through the problem you need to show respect for their opinion.

Check Your Jersey

Often in conflict we feel like we are on different teams. Imagine that underneath your different team jerseys, you are both wearing another jersey that is the same color. In trying to solve your disagreement, remember to check your jersey and remember you are really both on the same team.

Over the lifetime of your marriage, there will be many tests. Often you will have to accept your spouse’s influence if you are going to have a successful marriage. In five, ten, or fifty years you will look very different from now. You will have changed the way you think, how you act, and what is important to you. It happens through tests.

In our marriage vows we promise to love each other for better or worse, in sickness and health, poverty and wealth, forsaking all others. Our marriage will be tested by these big things and thousands of little things. Being able to recognize our spouse’s point of view, respect their feelings and thoughts, and then look beyond the immediate crisis to the underlying realities will make the difference between a growing and healthy marriage or a shell that we may choose to shed as useless.

So the next time an argument starts, you may want to do what one husband did. He began to act like a mime feeling the air. The wife looked at him with a ‘What is wrong with you?’ kind of look and he responded, “I’m trying to find the elephant in the room. Can you tell me what you’re seeing so we can figure out what this elephant is together?”

If you would like to read all of Kyle Benson’s article, see: There are Two Views to Every Conflict and Both are Valid.

Read more of our Child-Ready Marriage materials.

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Why am I So Sad?

September 24, 2017 By Diane Constantine

Why am I sad? I just had a beautiful, healthy baby!

Welcome to the majority of new moms! Where is the blissful joy we expected as the reward for labor? Why do we feel like this is the worst PMS ever?

With delivery go all those wonderful hormones. We’re profoundly exhausted by the birth process. Then comes learning to breast feed (no one told us we would have to learn how!) And, let’s not forget, sleep deprivation from waking to feed our darling every 2-3 hours.

The first two weeks involve profound physical, emotional, social and family changes. This is all normal. To feel sad and irritable is nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed by.

What should you do during this time? Ask for help, rest as much as possible, take good care of yourself, and share your feelings. Don’t bottle them up and make yourself feel even more miserable.

Life soon settles down to a new normal, hormones level out, and the worst of the emotional storms are past.

If however, you are among the 10-20% of moms whose baby blues last longer than two weeks and are more intense, you are experiencing postpartum depression. Talk to your OB/Gyn or midwife as soon as possible. There is much that can be done to help you out of this common depression. Don’t delay getting help. These first 2-3 months of your baby’s life are so important for bonding and establishing the foundations of trust in your baby. There is no shame in asking for help.

What Dads Bring to Parenting

September 20, 2017 By Diane Constantine

Children who grow up with mom and dad parenting together have the advantages of two different ways of responding to the world they live in. They are much more likely to complete high school, not get involved in drugs and other risky behaviors, and be ready to be productive citizens than children with absent or ineffective parents.

So what are dads particularly good at teaching their children?

Exploring with enthusiasm. Dads encourage their kids to explore their environment with excitement and curiosity and less fear.

Healthy self-confidence. Dads urge their children to expand their strength, skill, and endurance. Kids find out what they are capable of doing. Dads seldom tell their child what won’t work. They let their kids try to master a skill before stepping in to help.

Real-life consequences. Dads allow real-life consequences to teach right and wrong behavior. “If you don’t share your toys with your friend, he won’t want to play with you again.”

Bigger, better vocabulary. Dads use more ‘grown-up’ language early and challenge their kids to build their vocabulary.

Image of real manhood. Dads affirm the masculinity of their sons and show them how to use their strength and masculinity in positive ways. They show their daughters how to respond to boys and men and what to expect from them.

Kids need both a mom and dad. Dads, your input and influence in your children’s lives bring about a huge decrease in juvenile delinquency, school drop-out, and other unhealthy behavior choices. Be present and active in your kids’ lives. You make a huge difference!

Creative Kids

September 2, 2017 By Diane Constantine

Creativity is a type of rational thinking called divergent thinking. Creative thinkers branch off from our ordinary linear thinking and offer multiple solutions or answers to a problem.

Inventors and scientists, along with artists and musicians are creative thinkers.

So what if you have a creative thinking child? What if your son is constantly coming in and trying to engage you in a discussion of an invention he wants to make? How do you respond to your daughter when she shows you her drawing of fashions she’d like to see for her classmates? It can be exhausting to listen to their detailed plans and hard to find enough wall space to post all their drawings.

Studies show children’s creativity tends to decrease with age. Our schools foster conventional thinking skills to find ‘correct’ solutions. Linear thinking is rewarded all through school even to university education. So if our kids are to develop their creativity, it will largely be outside the classroom.

But this is one trait you, as a parent, can really influence. You can help your child develop their creative thinking or you can stifle it and the world will lose out.

Parents can encourage creative thinking by valuing creativity at home. Watch TV shows that explore new ideas. Look for new ways to do ordinary tasks or rearrange your furniture from time-to-time. Seek new ideas for dinner or vacation destinations. Children pick up the family’s values.

Encourage self-expression. Plan for unstructured playtime and let your child explore both indoors and outdoors. Provide materials for them to experiment on their own. Limit screen time to allow for free thinking outside the box.

Spend time with your child reading together about whatever they are interested in. Take them to see how others do whatever it is they are thinking about. Ask open-ended and thought-provoking questions. Discuss ideas for solving problems they encounter and help them innovate and explore in new areas.

Fight your own tendency to do things by the book and for a ‘correct’ outcome. Let your child know it is OK to make mistakes. Teach them that even the greatest inventors tried and failed many times before they found what works.

Who know, you may just raise a child who will change the world!