Truth Telling

January 8, 2020 By Diane Constantine Leave a Comment

I’ve been thinking about truth telling. We want our children to be truth tellers, not liars. We have a part to play in developing honesty in them. About four years ago I wrote an article on Ways to Encourage Honesty. Since then I’ve read more articles on teaching our children to be honest. This article will give you a few more things to consider.

Every parent is going to face the fact that their children lie. It is one of the sins in our fallen nature. For some children, one or two occasions of lying and facing the consequences of those lies cures them of the penchant to lie. But for some of our children, they have a very stubborn streak that causes them to lie about big and little things. If we cannot see that streak broken in childhood, they will face very hard consequences later in life for the lies they tell as adults.

I don’t want you to be shocked when your little angel tells a lie, straight to your face. I hope you will have some tools ready to use as a result of reading these articles. Maybe you saw a very effective way your own parents dealt with your first lies and you are ready to nip this bad behaviour in the bud.

Your spouse, your child’s other parent, may well have a key that will help in dealing with lies. Be sure to talk about your response to lying before it occurs and then debrief afterwards to see how well that approach worked. Be willing to adapt.

But not matter how well prepared you are, you need help when it happens to you.

Pray!

Wow, that sounds like a cliché! But every parent and every child is an individual. There is no one size fits all answer to lying. There is one prayer that the Bible says will always be answered. James 1: 5, “If any of you lack wisdom, you should pray to God, who will give it to you; because God gives generously and graciously to all.” If you ask for wisdom, God will give you the wisdom you need to deal with each child.

If you don’t know what is behind the lie, you will likely treat it incorrectly. Yet, you’re only human. How could you possibly know?

Discover why they lie

There are so many reasons a child may lie. They may have heard someone else tell a lie and get what they wanted. So, they want to try that tactic to get their way. They may have just said the first thing that popped into their head. They may be afraid of punishment. Or they may be afraid of hurting you or facing your emotions. They may be trying to get a sibling in trouble. Or they may not know that what they said is wrong.

Depending on your child’s age, ability to understand, and whether this is the first or umpteenth time they have lied, your response may need to be quite different.

Stay quiet and calm

You cannot go wrong by getting quiet and calm before reacting to the lie. A wise person once told me, “Ask a question.” That question will be different for each occurrence of lying. But it may help you get a window into your child’s mind.

Model truth telling

As in any other bad habit we want to eliminate from our child’s life, we must be a good model for them to follow. If you say you’re not feeling well, when your children know you are well; they just saw lying modeled. If you often say, “I forgot,” when they know you never intended to run that errand; you have modeled a lie. We need to model speaking tactfully so as not to hurt feelings, and still tell the truth. Instead of pleading sickness, we can say, “I’m busy right now, but could we meet up tomorrow?” And instead of forgetting, we can say, “That is not something I’m good at. Is there something else I can do for you?”

One well documented way to encourage truth telling is sharing examples of truth telling as a good character trait you want your children to be known for. George Washington’s, “I cannot tell a lie.” Is an example. But watch for good examples that your own children can observe.

Promise of truth

Another tool that may be helpful is to ask for a promise of truth. This is especially effective when it involves people outside the family. Begin by asking your child to promise to tell you the truth, before asking other questions. But this must be used sparingly or it loses its power to work.

My bottom line is, pray! Pray for God’s wisdom. Pray for His grace to help you respond in the best way possible for your child. Pray for a tender and teachable heart in your child. And if you have a child who deals with this character flaw for many years, don’t give up praying! God has a way to get through even when we cannot. After all, we are stewards of our children, not owners. They are ours for a time, but ultimately God is their Father and loves them and will lead them home.

Multi-purpose Toys

December 5, 2019 By Diane Constantine Leave a Comment

At Christmas time, we think about toys for our children. Let’s consider what kinds of toys are most beneficial for our children.

In this age of electronic gadgets and toys that talk and have colourful displays, it may be one of the things you consider giving your children this year.

I get it! In a restaurant the children who each have a phone or tablet to watch a video or play a game are quiet and still. In the same restaurant, children who brought their toys may be in the aisles playing and disrupting the peaceful atmosphere. The ‘electronic baby-sitter’ keeps kids quietly entertained. There are times when electronic toys are the best possible toy for your child.

Choose the toys you buy carefully

Electronic toys that talk, do not teach your child to talk. Children do not learn speech from gadgets. Children learn speech from watching and hearing live people talk. They watch your whole face, they see that there is a connection with you and with the words you speak. Electronic toys are not a shortcut to a child learning to speak.

When you play with your child and talk to them about what you are doing, they associate your words, expressions, and touch with the words. They see and feel the things being spoken about. Speech is more than mechanical, it is social and relational. There is no substitute or alternative for talking and playing with your child.

Screen time means less time for personal interaction of your child with adults.

The benefits of affordable, multipurpose toys

Blocks and balls, dolls and vehicles, puzzles and books all stimulate development in your child. Toys should stimulate your child’s imagination and problem-solving abilities. Toys should encourage your child both mentally and physically. These are the best choices.

There is a window of opportunity for children to learn specific developmental tasks. If they miss that window, there are synapses in their brains that are pruned. It is not that they cannot ever learn those skills, but it will be much more difficult and will take a lot more work to learn. One of those skills is spatial relationships.

Building with blocks, catching and throwing balls, stretching and reaching for objects and even puzzle assembly contribute to strengthening these pathways in their brains. Hand-eye coordination is not developed by pushing buttons on a phone or tablet.

To get the best benefit from the toys they play with, they need you and all their caregivers to spend one-on-one time with them to talk and ask questions and stimulate their interest and creativity. Modelling a new way to play with a traditional toy will challenge them to repeat that and then to find an even more creative way to use it.

The bottom line

There are no toys that can substitute for a warm, loving, dependable relationship. Use toys to enhance interactions between parents and child or caregiver and child. These relationships are vital to all round good development.

For more research based information see:

Pediatricians Say Kids Need Simple Toys, Not iPads and Electronics

More on Your Child’s Journey about toys:

A Culture of Accountability

October 4, 2019 By Diane Constantine Leave a Comment

I read the following article this week and wanted to share it with you. I know that some of you have very tiny babies and children too young to practice accountability. Perhaps as parents, you can begin to practice staying accountable for your own actions. Then when your child is old enough to understand this, they will already have role models to follow.

Many of us have the habit of shifting the blame for our mistakes or behavior. Or perhaps we don’t know how to take responsibility and make necessary changes. As Christians, we know we should be humble and ask for forgiveness and make amends. We should also readily forgive others.

There is an epidemic of selfishness and rudeness today. Let’s do our part to raise children who will not buy into that behavior.

How to Create a Culture of Accountability in Your Home

By Megan Devine, LCPC

Have you ever wondered what it means to hold your child accountable? It’s an excellent question and one that we receive often during online parent coaching.

[Read more…]

Speech Development

February 3, 2019 By Diane Constantine Leave a Comment

Since we live in a gadget age with so much digitalized speech, I thought it would be good to remind you how your child learns to talk. Gadgets that “talk” do not teach children to speak early or well. It is through hearing and seeing and having a relationship with people that children develop the ability to use language.

It is so important to help your child develop a good vocabulary and to learn to speak clearly. A broad vocabulary lays a strong foundation for learning in school, later on.

If you can teach your child more than one language, do it! You can give them a head start in language learning. When a young child learns to speak in more than one language, later in life, they will pronounce like a native speaker in each of those languages. It also teaches them how to learn other languages later, too.

In your child’s first two years of life, they are constantly listening to sounds, sorting, putting them together, and trying to understand. They make sounds and watch for which sounds get your attention. As you speak and listen to your child, they begin to start to communicate. Sometimes beginning to speak is quite gradual and sometimes they seem to suddenly put words together.

Here are some basics:

First, speak to your child. Don’t use a high pitched voice and baby words. Use your adult voice and grown-up words because children learn from example. Using baby words instead of real words slows toddler speech development. They eventually have to learn the correct names. This wastes time and effort, from learning additional words.

Second, narrate what your child is doing and experiencing. This lets your child know you are actively involved with them and helps build your bond with them. They also learn the words while involved in the activity. This creates connections in their brains using more than just their sense of hearing. Make sure you also give them time alone and without your narration to learn on their own.

Third, ask questions. Answering your questions about the things they are playing with, gives your kids a chance to use new vocabulary and gain fluency in speech. Subtly in conversation, you can correct grammar or pronunciation by reflecting back to them.

Fourth, read lots and lots of books. Stories teach vocabulary, expressions, and grammar without effort. The stories expose your children to situations they wouldn’t have experienced otherwise. Use lots of expression as you read to reinforce the meaning of the words. Linger over reading so your little one can take in the images and colors and feelings that the story provides. For more on benefits and how-to, see: Read

Finally, you model speech even when you are not aware of it. They not only learn when you speak to them, they learn as they hear you talk to others. They hear your tone and pronunciation and inflections. They are comparing and contrasting with other things you say. They are memorizing and will begin to practice what they have heard you say to others.

All of this takes time. Make your time with your little one as valuable as possible. Try to not be distracted by media when your child wants to talk to you. And don’t let the daily grind wear away your enthusiasm in your child’s development. Some words you may have to say hundreds of times before your child says them. Occasionally, you’ll be surprised to hear him say a word, you only remember saying once in his presence. Enjoy the process!

For more about learning more than one language as a little child see: Bi-Lingual Learning

“Listen, Mom, Dad! Listen!’

July 3, 2018 By Diane Constantine

Our goal to know our children doesn’t seem like an impossible goal. But then, we can realize that a whole week has gone by and we haven’t said anything to our children except the necessities. That isn’t the worst part, we have let a whole week go by without hearing anything but one word answers to our questions along with a nod, shrug, or blank-eyed stare.

There is a simple way to make sure we are hearing what our children are thinking about. It begins with a plan and then the commitment to keep to the plan. Set aside 10 minutes a day to listen to each child.

Children each have their “best” time of the day to talk. For many children it is right after they arrive home from preschool, kindy, or school. They have lots of stories about their day that they want to share with someone who will listen. If this is your child, plan and commit yourself to taking the first 10 minutes after arriving home (and before chores) to sit, cuddle, and listen to your child. They may bubble over with information or they may soak up your presence for a while before talking. Either way, ask an open-ended question that cannot be answered with “yes”, “no”, a nod, a shrug, or a simple fact. They have to think a little or remember something or express how an event made them feel. Follow-up questions may ask about how they reacted, what were other ways they could have responded, or what they want to do about it.

After 10 minutes, they may follow you into the kitchen and talk more while you prepare dinner. Keep your heart open and be ready to be a support and encourage your child.

For some children, it is during the bedtime routine that they want to open up. If this is your child’s best time, then plan your 10 minutes of listening as part of the bedtime routine. As they get into their teen years, bedtime or later will probably become their favorite time to talk.

Another time may be in the car. Some children really like to talk when you are not looking directly at them. They may find it is easier to talk when your eyes are on the road. This is fine. Find the way your own child can most easily express themselves.

Now, the trick is not to use this time to correct them or tell them your own story or intimidate them. If they feel like they will only open themselves up for scolding or a lecture, they will soon find ways to avoid the 10 minutes with you.

At some other time in the next day or so, you may say that you have been thinking about what they talked about. Then you might be able to tell your story or share some other ideas about ways to handle similar situations. Don’t make this part of the 10 listening, though.

Soak up these precious moments with your child. Remember what they talked about. Think about how they are experiencing their world. They will love your attention and it will be one of their sweetest memories of childhood.

Happy Listening!