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Your Child's Journey

wisdom for the big steps little children take

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August 26, 2017 By Diane Constantine

You want your kids to be honest, fair, caring, and thoughtful of others. Right?

There’s truth in the old adage: Kids do what you do, not what you say.

Your children learn ethical values and behaviors by watching you. You want to model humility, honesty, fairness, and so on. Yet you know you cannot be perfect all the time. It is so important that they hear you acknowledge your mistakes and weaknesses and see you work hard to correct them. This is a much more powerful example than you lecturing on ethics.

So when you don’t live up to the model you want your kids to copy, use these are opportunities to talk with them about it. You don’t lose face, you gain their respect. They will follow your example.

Filed Under: All Ages, Kid Tips Tagged With: attitudes, character, teach

How to Deal with Failure

December 4, 2015 By Diane Constantine

I read an article by Jill M. Richardson, How to Deal with Failure, part of her Strong Kids series at A Fine Parent.com. Her article was aimed at parents of older children and even teens. But there were a few things she pointed out that I think we should start practicing even with our young children.

We live in a day and a culture that pressures us to make sure our children feel good. We want our children to feel good, but there is a danger in micromanaging their lives so they don’t experience failure at all. There are things we can do to help them deal with failures when they come, so that they are not crushed by them.

These are the ones I felt were most important for parents with young children. You may read her entire article at: A Fine Parent

  1. Rescue dogs, not kids

If a potential failure will not result in serious bodily harm or devastating embarrassment, let the child fail without Superparent to the rescue. Allowing for small failures now, teaches a child the skills to deal with, and perhaps even avoid, bigger ones later.

  1. Value Unstructured Play Time

Free time is when kids imagine, explore, and create. These are the formative hours for developing skills to problem solve. Scheduling kids so tightly that they lose this time cripples their creativity, a significant key to dealing with failure.

Unstructured play also allows kids to work out potential relationship issues. It’s in learning how to take turns with the swings, create an alternate world in the oak copse, or cope with a rule-flouting bully that kids figure out rule making, negotiation skills, and the heeding of others’ (sometimes unspoken) language.

Cause and effect teaches better than a parent playing labor dispute manager. Because we all know how well that works anyway.

  1. Teach Grit

Basically, it is the ability to persevere, maintaining effort despite setbacks and discouragements, with a marathon-type approach.

We can help our children find their passion and pursue it, not with a competitive mindset, but with a determination to keep at it no matter what. This “grit” is key to returning stronger from failure.

  1. Normalize Failure

Parents who shield their kids from failure leave another unintentional result. Their children come to regard failure as abnormal and unredeemable. A person for whom failure is seen as catastrophic and unacceptable internalizes the message that failure cannot be recovered from. It is terrifying.

Send them the message: Failure is normal. It happens to everyone. It is a part of life and learning. It is not shameful.

  1. Talk Through the Scenarios

What not to say: “You won’t fail.” “You”ll be great.” “They’d be crazy not to take you.”

Problem is, I can’t make that guarantee. I can’t promise she won’t be terrible. Plus, I don’t know all the factors going into whatever judgment she’s up against. Will she trust me again after she does fall on her face in that audition?

Instead, ask this question: “What’s the worst that can happen?” Whatever the answer, pursue it to the end. Helping her work through what could happen if she fails helps her face the fear of it.

Or say something like, ‘I can see you’re upset. What do you think is a good first step here?’

  1. Have Fun

With sensitivity, learn to laugh at your own failures and teach your child to do so as well. Obviously, this doesn’t mean howling when your kid falls on her face in the gymnastics meet. It does mean that learning to have a sense of humor about our own faults and missteps helps us to cope with the bigger ones.

_____________________________________________________________

Jill M. Richardson is a writer, speaker, former teacher, and pastor in the Chicago area. Besides her own three daughters, she has worked with kids through teaching, community theater, coaching reading teams, and youth groups.

See Jill’s Blog

 

Filed Under: All Ages Tagged With: character, failure, play, prepare

What a Difference a Mom Makes

July 1, 2014 By Diane Constantine

Some time ago I bought Dr. Kevin Leman’s book, What a Difference a Mom Makes, the indelible imprint a mom leaves on her son’s life. There is so much in the book that will help moms raise their sons to be the kind of men she can be proud of.

He summarizes 10 of his main points in the following excerpt:

The Top 10 Countdown to Being an Awesome Mom

10. Remember, he’s a boy, not a girl.

9. I know he’s adorable, but he needs to be held accountable.

8. Don’t always pay attention to how he looks; pay more attention to his heart.

7. How you handle his failures is more important than how you handle his victories.

6. No two children in a family should be treated the same, because they’re not the same—including your boy.

5. Remember that your boy will only stay weird for about 15 years.

4. He’s the wavy line—all over the place. You need to be the consistent one.

3. Start with the end in mind. Who do you want your son to be?

2. You don’t get to relive moments. Make every day count.

1. Many have tried, and no one’s succeeded—you can’t do it all. But what you do will make a lasting difference in the life of your son.

Here are a few action points to help you in raising your son:

1. Make your home a place of connection.
A place of unconditional acceptance. . .
with a sense of belonging. . .
and the knowledge that you consider him competent and capable.

2. Teach him to be kind and courteous, and you’ll heap blessings on his head.

3. Be loving and consistent in your discipline.

4. Present age-appropriate choices.

5. Hold your child accountable for his actions.

6. Let reality be the teacher.

Whether or not you have a son, I hope you have seen some things that you want to incorporate in your parenting style. All kids can benefit from these good approaches to parenting.

Filed Under: All Ages Tagged With: attitudes, character, parenting

How to Raise Honest Kids

April 6, 2014 By Diane Constantine

All kids lie at some point or another, and we can’t always tell when they’re doing it (those little buggers). There are two things, however, you can say to your children to get them to be honest.

Eric Barker cites findings from NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children, which says that children (at least young ones) lie to try to please you or make you happy. So the first strategy to getting the truth out of them is to tell them you’ll be really happy if they tell you the truth:

What really works is to tell the child, “I will not be upset with you if you peeked, and if you tell the truth, I will be really happy.” This is an offer of both immunity and a clear route back to good standing. Talwar explained this latest finding: “Young kids are lying to make you happy—trying to please you.” So telling kids that the truth will make a parent happy challenges the kid’s original thought that hearing good news—not the truth—is what will please the parent.

The second thing to say can cut down lying by 25%: “I’m about to ask you a question. But before I do that, will you promise to tell the truth?” (Hopefully the kid will say “yes.”)

Check out the full post on Barking Up the Wrong Tree for more parenting tips and tricks.

Filed Under: Kindergarten, Preschooler, Toddler Tagged With: character, lies, tell truth

What Matters Most

August 2, 2012 By Diane Constantine Leave a Comment

It’s been here since they were both born.

The incessant need to constantly compare them to other kids. Are they sleeping like normal kids? Are they crawling or walking when they should? Are they talking when they should be?

And I see this starting to escalate as David is getting to the preschool age. I see some kids his age reading and he barely knows his letters (not for a lack of trying on my part) and I have panic attacks. What if he is behind? I feel like I’m constantly trying to get around other almost 3 year olds and listen to them talk to see where he is. And the same for Fiona. Why is she not talking more? It keeps me up at night sometimes worried about how each of them will do as they grow up.

This has just been on my mind SO much lately, but I am trying hard to set my “momma mind and heart” and focus on this: [Read more…]

Filed Under: All Ages Tagged With: character, parenting goals

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