Dr. Kevin Leman wrote a wonderful book to help parents with discipline called, Have a New Kid by Friday. I reviewed some of the major concepts of the book and some specific examples of how it works for Toddlers. You can see the series of articles one at a time here:
Part 1– Acceptance, Belonging, and Competence
Part 2– Attitudes
Part 3– Character
Part 4– Discipline
Part 5– Temper Tantrums and Bedtime Battles
Part 6– Let Reality Be the Teacher and B Doesn’t Happen Until A Is Completed
done
You want your kids to be honest, fair, caring, and thoughtful of others. Right?
There’s truth in the old adage: Kids do what you do, not what you say.
Your children learn ethical values and behaviors by watching you. You want to model humility, honesty, fairness, and so on. Yet you know you cannot be perfect all the time. It is so important that they hear you acknowledge your mistakes and weaknesses and see you work hard to correct them. This is a much more powerful example than you lecturing on ethics.
So when you don’t live up to the model you want your kids to copy, use these are opportunities to talk with them about it. You don’t lose face, you gain their respect. They will follow your example.
Over the last two months I’ve been sharing some insights form Dr. Kevin Leman’s book, Have a New Kid by Friday. In February I reviewed the three pillars of a child’s self worth: Acceptance, Belonging, and Competence. Then in March I reviewed the first of the top 3 long-term concerns of parents, Attitude. I planned to talk about Behavior this month, but since I’d like to expand on that topic over several months, I’m going to skip forward and cover Character this month.
I read an article by Jill M. Richardson, How to Deal with Failure, part of her Strong Kids series at A Fine Parent.com. Her article was aimed at parents of older children and even teens. But there were a few things she pointed out that I think we should start practicing even with our young children.
We live in a day and a culture that pressures us to make sure our children feel good. We want our children to feel good, but there is a danger in micromanaging their lives so they don’t experience failure at all. There are things we can do to help them deal with failures when they come, so that they are not crushed by them.
These are the ones I felt were most important for parents with young children. You may read her entire article at: A Fine Parent
If a potential failure will not result in serious bodily harm or devastating embarrassment, let the child fail without Superparent to the rescue. Allowing for small failures now, teaches a child the skills to deal with, and perhaps even avoid, bigger ones later.
Free time is when kids imagine, explore, and create. These are the formative hours for developing skills to problem solve. Scheduling kids so tightly that they lose this time cripples their creativity, a significant key to dealing with failure.
Unstructured play also allows kids to work out potential relationship issues. It’s in learning how to take turns with the swings, create an alternate world in the oak copse, or cope with a rule-flouting bully that kids figure out rule making, negotiation skills, and the heeding of others’ (sometimes unspoken) language.
Cause and effect teaches better than a parent playing labor dispute manager. Because we all know how well that works anyway.
Basically, it is the ability to persevere, maintaining effort despite setbacks and discouragements, with a marathon-type approach.
We can help our children find their passion and pursue it, not with a competitive mindset, but with a determination to keep at it no matter what. This “grit” is key to returning stronger from failure.
Parents who shield their kids from failure leave another unintentional result. Their children come to regard failure as abnormal and unredeemable. A person for whom failure is seen as catastrophic and unacceptable internalizes the message that failure cannot be recovered from. It is terrifying.
Send them the message: Failure is normal. It happens to everyone. It is a part of life and learning. It is not shameful.
What not to say: “You won’t fail.” “You”ll be great.” “They’d be crazy not to take you.”
Problem is, I can’t make that guarantee. I can’t promise she won’t be terrible. Plus, I don’t know all the factors going into whatever judgment she’s up against. Will she trust me again after she does fall on her face in that audition?
Instead, ask this question: “What’s the worst that can happen?” Whatever the answer, pursue it to the end. Helping her work through what could happen if she fails helps her face the fear of it.
Or say something like, ‘I can see you’re upset. What do you think is a good first step here?’
With sensitivity, learn to laugh at your own failures and teach your child to do so as well. Obviously, this doesn’t mean howling when your kid falls on her face in the gymnastics meet. It does mean that learning to have a sense of humor about our own faults and missteps helps us to cope with the bigger ones.
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Jill M. Richardson is a writer, speaker, former teacher, and pastor in the Chicago area. Besides her own three daughters, she has worked with kids through teaching, community theater, coaching reading teams, and youth groups.
See Jill’s Blog
Some time ago I bought Dr. Kevin Leman’s book, What a Difference a Mom Makes, the indelible imprint a mom leaves on her son’s life. There is so much in the book that will help moms raise their sons to be the kind of men she can be proud of.
He summarizes 10 of his main points in the following excerpt:
The Top 10 Countdown to Being an Awesome Mom
10. Remember, he’s a boy, not a girl.
9. I know he’s adorable, but he needs to be held accountable.
8. Don’t always pay attention to how he looks; pay more attention to his heart.
7. How you handle his failures is more important than how you handle his victories.
6. No two children in a family should be treated the same, because they’re not the same—including your boy.
5. Remember that your boy will only stay weird for about 15 years.
4. He’s the wavy line—all over the place. You need to be the consistent one.
3. Start with the end in mind. Who do you want your son to be?
2. You don’t get to relive moments. Make every day count.
1. Many have tried, and no one’s succeeded—you can’t do it all. But what you do will make a lasting difference in the life of your son.
Here are a few action points to help you in raising your son:
1. Make your home a place of connection.
A place of unconditional acceptance. . .
with a sense of belonging. . .
and the knowledge that you consider him competent and capable.2. Teach him to be kind and courteous, and you’ll heap blessings on his head.
3. Be loving and consistent in your discipline.
4. Present age-appropriate choices.
5. Hold your child accountable for his actions.
6. Let reality be the teacher.
Whether or not you have a son, I hope you have seen some things that you want to incorporate in your parenting style. All kids can benefit from these good approaches to parenting.