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Conflicts and the Gentle Start-Up

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The next series of lessons relate to conflicts in marriage. All couples have conflicts. The way we handle them will make all the difference in the damage or strength they bring to our marriage.

The goal we should have for our marriage is to decrease the frequency, the intensity, and the duration of conflicts. That means we fight less often. When we argue, we don’t get so angry and hostile. And we settle our disagreements more quickly.

In this series of lessons we will be covering 5 parts of Constructive Problem Solving. They are:

  • Gentle Start-up
  • Take a Break
  • Accepting Influence
  • Solvable and Perpetual Problems
  • Repair and Compromise

We realize that during an argument, you are not going to reach for these lessons to go through these steps. But it is our goal to help you develop attitudes that will help you find good solutions. There will be exercises to help you learn some good techniques for making your arguments less stressful and more conducive of positive change.

So that conflicts do not tear your relationship apart, it is important that you are aware of the most dangerous threats to your marriage. There are four negative communication behaviors that are toxic to a relationship. If any of these are present in your relationship, now is the time to stop them and take positive steps to save your marriage. These behaviors are guaranteed to decrease your marital satisfaction and if they continue are the greatest predictors of divorce. So, what are they?

  • Criticism is judging and blaming the other. It frequently includes “always” or “never” statements and negative labels or name-calling,
  • Defensiveness is self-protective behavior. It often includes counter-attacks, whining, and denying our responsibility.
  • Contempt is taking a superior attitude. It includes sarcasm, mockery, and/or character assassination.
  • Stonewalling is withdrawing from interaction. This is done with silence, turning away, refusing eye contact, or leaving the scene.

When there are some or all of these toxic behaviors along with more negative than positive relationship connections the stage is set for marital breakdown.

We want to avoid this at all cost. You have already invested so much time, energy, and money into your relationship. It is valuable to you. Anything that is valuable is worth taking the time and effort to keep in good repair.

The Gentle Start-Up

At the Gottman Institute they have studied thousands of couples and have sorted them into the Masters and the Disasters. The Masters have learned and practiced healthy relationship skills. They still argue, but they have learned ways to deal with the real issues, explain their needs and desires, and hear their mates so they can come to good, workable compromises. Their first step in an argument is a gentle start-up.

The first 3 minutes of when a problem is raised usually determines how well the conflict will be resolved. Gottman says,  ”Conversations invariably end on the same note that they begin.” So, the gentle start-up has the best chance of finding a good resolution.

In order to have a gentle start-up you must think before exploding. This is much more possible if you deal with disagreements one at a time and have not stockpiled them. Plan a good time to discuss what is bothering you, a time that works well for both of you. Don’t start an argument on an empty stomach or when you’re too tired to think.

The initial statement may be a complaint, but it should not include any blame. It should focus on a specific problem you want to discuss. It may address the other person’s behavior, but not his or her perceived character flaws.

Use statements that start with “I” instead of “you.” When we use “you” statements we put our mate on the defensive. When we use “I” statements we are more likely to voice our need or desire in a way they can hear and respond to. Using “we” statements are even better as they show how we can work together to solve the problem. Be sure to include appreciation and gratitude. This keeps the discussion on a positive track. Remembering ways our spouse has helped or behaved well in the past, is a great way to ask for more.

Be prepared to tell your spouse clearly what you want or don’t want. No one is good at reading minds. If you cannot state what you desire clearly, you are not ready to talk about the issue.

Bathe the whole start-up with kindness. Keep to one issue and use polite words and tone for the best results.

For example: “I miss the little gifts you used to bring me. They made me feel special, even when they didn’t cost much money. Lately, I feel like you don’t remember me when you are away from home.”

Time for Some Practice

Get some practice wording complains without accusation or character assassination. Gentle Start-ups lead to much better resolutions. The Gentle Start-Up Exercise.

 

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Gentle Start-Up Exercise

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Take turns reading one of the Harsh Start-up statements. The other will try to turn the Harsh Start-up into a Gentle Start-up. If you have trouble doing this, then work together to find a way you agree would be a Gentle Start-up if this were a problem in your marriage. Make this a team exercise, not an excuse to criticize or complain.

Harsh Start-ups:

  1. We never do anything fun anymore. You are a workaholic!
  2. You haven’t helped me with chores for weeks. I’m exhausted and you don’t even notice.
  3. You’re so thoughtless. You don’t call me when you’ll be late or ever bring me flowers.
  4. You always talk about yourself. Do you even care about my day?
  5. You aren’t attracted to me anymore! You flirt with everyone else.
  6. We got a collection notice today. You are irresponsible about paying our bills.
  7. You never play with the kids. You’re a lousy parent.
  8. You never say, “No” to the kids. You spoil the kids and I look like the ‘bad guy.”
  9. Go back to the store for the things you didn’t buy!
  10. You’re a slob! Look at this mess.

Need some help in softening these harsh start-ups?

  • Think about ways to remember some success in the past in this trouble area. Affirm and appreciate any past success or progress in this area.
  • Replace “never” and “always” with a statement about the current problem not the past.
  • Think about what the “real” issue is instead of poking at several issues.
  • Eliminate character assassination or name calling.
  • Find ways to use “I” statements instead of “You” statements.

 

You Are Not a Perfect Parent

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Since You Cannot be a Perfect Parent:

  1. Don’t even try to give your kids everything. They won’t be scarred by not having the latest and greatest stuff
  2. Be willing to listen to what teachers and other adults have observed about your child. From their perspective of your child, they may have solutions you cannot see.
  3. Acknowledge when you did it wrong and ask your kid to forgive you. You won’t lose face. You model for them how to admit when they were wrong.
  4. Get involved with your child’s school PTA. Be aware of what is happening in the school. Speak up about issues that affect the children. You will help not just your child, but many others.

You are Not a Perfect Parent, But:

  1. You do know when something is wrong with your child. Get whatever help you need for your child.
  2. You know what you don’t want your children to be exposed to. Set limits that protect them.
  3. You can choose others you want to teach your children things you cannot teach them.
  4. Not rescuing your child from every misstep is actually teaching them essential lessons about integrity, responsibility, and values.

Other articles  on Your Child’s Journey.com that you might find helpful:

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Dads and Moms Play Differently

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This is no news. We all see the difference, but we may not realize the importance of the difference.

A dad looks, smells, sounds and acts differently than a mom. There are beneficial differences between moms and dads to the development of their children.

Dads are much more physically active with their children. They tickle, wrestle and throw theirs kids in the air. Moms use toys and talk to their children.

Dad’s style of play helps a child’s physical development and coordination. He teaches limits, like when enough is enough. They learn that biting and kicking are not acceptable. Dads encourage their kids to try harder and go faster which fosters independence and confidence in their own abilities.

Mom’s play helps her kids develop their language and communication skills. They learn social skills from her. She is usually more calm and quiet in play than dad. Kids have fun, but not the hilarity they may have with dad.

This diversity in approaches gives children a broad, rich experience in relating to others. Together they help their children remain safe while expanding their experiences and increasing their confidence.

Moms usually spend more time and are more involved with their children than dad. But dad’s time and style of play is vital to good development. Gottman says,  “Rough and tumble play used by many dads can predict better self-control abilities in children. High energy, positive play can predict/effect how well a child will be viewed by other kids, and how well they will be accepted by their peers in school. The Gottman group found that the more emotionally involved a father was with his child at the age of four years, the more socially competent his child was at age eight!”

So dads, stay involved with your kids. Start when they are newborn and never stop having your time and playing with your kids.

Moms, make sure you allow dad to play with the kids — in his way. Encourage him to spend time with them. Just turn away if you can’t stand seeing him play rough and tumble. He loves his kids and won’t hurt them. Trust him.

Together make plans for times to play together with your children. Take turns leading the game and enjoy watching the way your kids thrive!

Watch for more articles on how dads help their kids develop well.

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H.A.L.T.

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Your children are spinning out of control. He’s crying and yelling. She’s whining and dragging her feet. The noise level is rising to painful.

It’s time to H.A.L.T. This is an acronym used in recovery programs, but it fits parenting very well. Things are harder when we are Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired.

HALT and take a quick inventory. Is your child Hungry? Do you know why he’s Angry? Is Loneliness the problem? Is she Tired?

You cannot control every situation or always avoid your little one’s discomfort. But this little acronym, HALT, can give you a quick way to spot the problem and diffuse the emotions.

Hunger is probably the easiest one to fix. Start here and make sure everyone’s blood sugar level is up to normal. If not, a snack or meal is the next order of business.

Anger is usually quite easy to recognize. But it may take a little detective work to figure out what is the root of the anger and how to solve it. Giving a positive way to use up some of that steam can be a safety valve to prevent serious damage.

Children may not be able to tell you they are Lonely. They can be lonely even in a crowd, feeling left out or disconnected from you. Give some one-on-one time to ease this.

Tired children and tired adults get cranky. There is a reason that sleep deprivation is used as a torture strategy. As a basic biological need, human functioning quickly declines in the absence of sufficient sleep. Is it nap time? Has it been an exceptionally busy day or hot day? Some extra sleep can make all the difference.

Megan, in TheArtOfSimple.net said, “The best part of applying HALT to our parenting toolbox is knowing what is triggering undesirable behaviors in our children. Armed with that understanding, we are empowered to respond to them from a place of empathy and understanding, rather than from a place of confusion and frustration.”

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