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Time Alone

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When was the last time you had time alone with your spouse? For some of my readers, you conscientiously carve out some time every day alone with your spouse. But honestly, if you do, you’re a rare breed! Most couples in the Klang Valley and in any urban area, find it very difficult to have any time alone with their spouse.

First you are both working outside your home. That means being away from each other during the work day plus the commute to and from work. Since you are not home, most of you have to collect your children from a child minder. Then everyone arrives home tired and hungry. By the time everyone is fed, there is precious little time to spend with the children before they should be in bed. Depending on how you get your children to sleep, that may mean one or the other of you is lying down and there isn’t any more time to spend together.

If you try to keep this up, day in and day out, you will very quickly find your marriage is unsatisfying. Parenting is for the long haul. If you don’t take care of your relationship now, while your children are little, you won’t have a relationship when your children are ready to leave home.

You must find a way to spend at least 20 minutes a day to share with your spouse something from your day. (Don’t use it to try to solve any issues! Just share your life.) Hold hands or cuddle while you talk. Stay focused on each other. This can be a lifeline for your relationship.

Once you have been able to get into this pattern, find a way to have a “date” at least once a month. This does not mean an expensive night out, but it does mean away from the children and other responsibilities.

You will have to have someone else watch your children for you. Perhaps you can swap date nights with another couple who have children too. Sometimes there is an older single friend who would love to have time with a baby or small children in exchange for a home cooked meal with your family at another time.  Grandparents often are craving some time with the grand-kids and would be happy to watch them for a couple hours for you to have a date. You may have to be creative, but it is worth the effort!

I would really like your feedback. How do you manage time alone with your spouse? What works and what doesn’t work?

“Listen, Mom, Dad! Listen!’

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Our goal to know our children doesn’t seem like an impossible goal. But then, we can realize that a whole week has gone by and we haven’t said anything to our children except the necessities. That isn’t the worst part, we have let a whole week go by without hearing anything but one word answers to our questions along with a nod, shrug, or blank-eyed stare.

There is a simple way to make sure we are hearing what our children are thinking about. It begins with a plan and then the commitment to keep to the plan. Set aside 10 minutes a day to listen to each child.

Children each have their “best” time of the day to talk. For many children it is right after they arrive home from preschool, kindy, or school. They have lots of stories about their day that they want to share with someone who will listen. If this is your child, plan and commit yourself to taking the first 10 minutes after arriving home (and before chores) to sit, cuddle, and listen to your child. They may bubble over with information or they may soak up your presence for a while before talking. Either way, ask an open-ended question that cannot be answered with “yes”, “no”, a nod, a shrug, or a simple fact. They have to think a little or remember something or express how an event made them feel. Follow-up questions may ask about how they reacted, what were other ways they could have responded, or what they want to do about it.

After 10 minutes, they may follow you into the kitchen and talk more while you prepare dinner. Keep your heart open and be ready to be a support and encourage your child.

For some children, it is during the bedtime routine that they want to open up. If this is your child’s best time, then plan your 10 minutes of listening as part of the bedtime routine. As they get into their teen years, bedtime or later will probably become their favorite time to talk.

Another time may be in the car. Some children really like to talk when you are not looking directly at them. They may find it is easier to talk when your eyes are on the road. This is fine. Find the way your own child can most easily express themselves.

Now, the trick is not to use this time to correct them or tell them your own story or intimidate them. If they feel like they will only open themselves up for scolding or a lecture, they will soon find ways to avoid the 10 minutes with you.

At some other time in the next day or so, you may say that you have been thinking about what they talked about. Then you might be able to tell your story or share some other ideas about ways to handle similar situations. Don’t make this part of the 10 listening, though.

Soak up these precious moments with your child. Remember what they talked about. Think about how they are experiencing their world. They will love your attention and it will be one of their sweetest memories of childhood.

Happy Listening!

Accepting Influence

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Accepting influence is one of the most important ingredients for a healthy, happy marriage. Accepting our spouse’s influence is most important in conflict, yet it is the hardest time to do it. So, deciding ahead of time that you will accept influence is a great way to gain more respect, power, and influence in your marriage. It is the way to win. Both of you win. If only one wins in arguments, both really lose.

Gottman’s research shows that men, more frequently than women, have difficulty accepting influence from their wives. All their training and culture tune men to take a decisive lead and make decisions. BUT, statistically speaking, when a man is not willing to share power with his wife, there is an 81% chance that his marriage will self-destruct. The husband may think he has won the argument, but he has lost the war. His wife will either become weak and unwilling to participate in any decision making or she will sabotage his plans and become passive-aggressive.

Though men may statistically be more prone to unwillingness to accept influence, I’ve met my share of women who will not accept their husband’s influence. They destroy their marriages too.

The happiest, most stable marriages are those where neither one resists power-sharing and decision-making.

Unwillingness to accept influence, share power, and share decision-making is most easily seen when criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling are part of most arguments. These behaviors will poison the marriage and are great predictors of marriage failure.

Kyle Benson, writing for The Gottman Institute, describes a few different ways to help see the other person’s point of view. If we cannot see the problem from their perspective, it is nearly impossible to accept their influence in finding a solution.

Kyle starts with the assumption that every situation can yield two different yet valid perspectives that deserve equal weight. When my perspective seems so correct, how can I accept influence from my husband when his perspective is so different?!

Here are the three ways Mr. Benson describes to help us see another point of view.

The Conflict is the Space Between

Picture you and your spouse on two separate islands with murky water between. If you are going to see from your mate’s perspective, you would have to travel to your partner’s island to see as they see. Look at the problem as the murky water between your islands and focus on clearing that up. After the water’s cleaner, both of you can dive below the surface and discover what is actually going on.

Accusations, assumptions, or criticisms muddy the water and make the real problem and solution impossible to find. Stop these negative attitudes and words and be willing to listen, really listen, to your spouse. Then you can dip deep and discover the real issue.

Finding the Elephant in the Room

Perhaps you’ve seen the illustration of six blind men touching an elephant and declaring what is in the room. They say it is a pillar (leg), a rope (tail), a thick branch (trunk), a huge fan (ear), a wall (belly) and a solid pipe (tusk).

In practically every fight there is an invisible elephant in the room. The truth about the elephant lies somewhere between these perspectives. In other words, acknowledge that your mate’s perspective is just as valid as yours. You don’t have to agree, but in order to work through the problem you need to show respect for their opinion.

Check Your Jersey

Often in conflict we feel like we are on different teams. Imagine that underneath your different team jerseys, you are both wearing another jersey that is the same color. In trying to solve your disagreement, remember to check your jersey and remember you are really both on the same team.

Over the lifetime of your marriage, there will be many tests. Often you will have to accept your spouse’s influence if you are going to have a successful marriage. In five, ten, or fifty years you will look very different from now. You will have changed the way you think, how you act, and what is important to you. It happens through tests.

In our marriage vows we promise to love each other for better or worse, in sickness and health, poverty and wealth, forsaking all others. Our marriage will be tested by these big things and thousands of little things. Being able to recognize our spouse’s point of view, respect their feelings and thoughts, and then look beyond the immediate crisis to the underlying realities will make the difference between a growing and healthy marriage or a shell that we may choose to shed as useless.

So the next time an argument starts, you may want to do what one husband did. He began to act like a mime feeling the air. The wife looked at him with a ‘What is wrong with you?’ kind of look and he responded, “I’m trying to find the elephant in the room. Can you tell me what you’re seeing so we can figure out what this elephant is together?”

If you would like to read all of Kyle Benson’s article, see: There are Two Views to Every Conflict and Both are Valid.

Read more of our Child-Ready Marriage materials.

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Take-a-Break!

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The last lesson was about a Gentle Start up to conflicts. Since conversations and conflicts usually end on the same note that they began, how we bring up a problem is very, very important.

Many of us don’t think about how we are going to discuss a problem in our relationship. We would all improve our communication if we would think first. If you didn’t read the last lesson, why not take a few minutes to read, The Gentle Start-up.

When we don’t take the time to plan how to discuss and use a gentle start-up, we often get into a heated argument. Sometimes something just happens and we blow up before we even think. So what can we do when we realize we’ve stepped into a whirlwind of emotions?

Remember we talked about how to help a baby who is overstimulated? First you stop what you were doing with your child and you give them time to self-soothe. Taking a break uses the same principle. Stop the discussion right where it is and each one takes the time to self-soothe.

Taking a break is not the same thing as stonewalling. In stonewalling, we retreat from the conversation by leaving, either physically or emotionally. We quit talking and refuse to connect again in the discussion.

When an argument begins to spin out of control, we feel the physical symptoms of arousal; faster pulse and higher blood pressure. We begin having trouble processing new information and have difficulty listening. This certainly isn’t the atmosphere for solving our dilemma.

One or both of you may begin this process we call ‘flooding.’ You should have a previously agreed on signal that you can use when you need to take a break. It may be the sports signal making a T with your hands for ‘Time Out’, or something else you agree on.

At that point, you both agree to take a break. You set a time when you will begin again. A good length of time is about 20-30 minutes. It takes your body that long to de-escalate from the fight or flight flooding.

What you do with this time is vital to the process.

  • Don’t take the time to rehearse your arguments and try to plan an attack that cannot be refuted. Don’t just nurse your frustration and wallow in your emotions. Take a break!
  • Do whatever it is that is relaxing for you. Take a walk, take a bath, meditate, listen to lovely calming music, take a power nap. Whatever you do, make the goal calming yourself.

Resume the discussion when you are both calmed down.

  • Make it your goal to address the issue, not attack each other.
  • Keep your voices down and avoid harsh words or tone.
  • Try to understand what your spouse is saying.

In the next few lessons we’ll talk more about ways to come to an agreement that benefits your relationship.

 Exercise:

Talk with your spouse about what signal you will use when you need to take a time out from a conflict.

Think about what activities are the most calming to you. Take 20 minutes calming yourself now. Then have a nice chat about something you like about your spouse. See how nice it feels? We can accomplish so much more when we are not flooded and stressed.

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Gentle Start-Up Exercise

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Take turns reading one of the Harsh Start-up statements. The other will try to turn the Harsh Start-up into a Gentle Start-up. If you have trouble doing this, then work together to find a way you agree would be a Gentle Start-up if this were a problem in your marriage. Make this a team exercise, not an excuse to criticize or complain.

Harsh Start-ups:

  1. We never do anything fun anymore. You are a workaholic!
  2. You haven’t helped me with chores for weeks. I’m exhausted and you don’t even notice.
  3. You’re so thoughtless. You don’t call me when you’ll be late or ever bring me flowers.
  4. You always talk about yourself. Do you even care about my day?
  5. You aren’t attracted to me anymore! You flirt with everyone else.
  6. We got a collection notice today. You are irresponsible about paying our bills.
  7. You never play with the kids. You’re a lousy parent.
  8. You never say, “No” to the kids. You spoil the kids and I look like the ‘bad guy.”
  9. Go back to the store for the things you didn’t buy!
  10. You’re a slob! Look at this mess.

Need some help in softening these harsh start-ups?

  • Think about ways to remember some success in the past in this trouble area. Affirm and appreciate any past success or progress in this area.
  • Replace “never” and “always” with a statement about the current problem not the past.
  • Think about what the “real” issue is instead of poking at several issues.
  • Eliminate character assassination or name calling.
  • Find ways to use “I” statements instead of “You” statements.