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Benefits of Dad’s Involvement

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This month I thought it would be good to share some of the benefits of dad being involved with his children.

In the very early days after birth, dad’s caring for the physical needs of his baby is good for him, for baby, and for mom. He gains confidence in his ability to care for this tiny bundle and gets a good dose of attachment hormones just for holding and touching baby. If dad has been involved during pregnancy, baby already recognizes his voice. Tending to the physical needs helps baby attach to dad. Mom gets some needed assistance, time to rest and heal, and gains trust in dad’s ability to handle baby.

Some dad’s love to carry their baby in a sling. The rhythm of his movements and rumble of his deep voice are soothing to baby. Dad gets to show off his parenting skills and this will pay off in long term interest in his child.

Activities of daily living like: bathing, dressing, feeding and playing with baby, help mom believe family is a priority for dad. It builds baby’s trust that her needs will be met and helps dad know more of what is involved in 24/7/365 care of a baby. As baby begins to know the routines, he or she begins to look forward to dad coming home and play time with dad.

Dad plays differently with his baby and little child than mom does. Dad’s more physical play helps baby develop muscle control, strength, balance, and rhythm. Dad expects his children to try new things and experiment and find solutions. These are all skills that will help in preschool and beyond. Dad also doesn’t allow whining as much, so his children learn better ways to communicate their needs and desires.

Dad telling stories to his children helps them understand emotions, social situations, and tasks. Children want to imitate dad and telling stories is a great way to help them learn what is important to him.

Babies whose dad was highly involved with his children from infancy showed the following benefits:

  • Higher cognitive functioning at six months
  • Better problem solving skills as toddlers
  • Higher IQ scores by age three
  • More resilience in strange situations
  • More likely to be curious and explore their environment
  • Less prone to depression and have fewer negative emotions like fear or guilt
  • Have greater tolerance for stress and frustration
  • Are more playful, resourceful, skillful, and attentive when presented with a problem
  • Have higher educational achievement relative to their parents and are more likely to succeed in their work as adults.

Dads who were highly involved reported they:

  • Are more sensitive with their infants
  • Have greater marital satisfaction
  • Feel more self-confident as parents
  • Find parenthood more satisfying
  • Are more likely to feel happily married then and twenty years after the birth of their first child.

So mom, do all you can to make it possible for dad to have time with his baby and children. Allow him to become proficient in caring for his baby. (Remember he may figure out a better way to do some of the care. There is not just one correct way to do any of it.) If he is reticent to get involved, slowly but surely help him to find enjoyment in caring for his child.

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To see more of the articles on Marriage and Parenting, please go to The Child-Ready Marriage

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What Dads Bring to Parenting

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Children who grow up with mom and dad parenting together have the advantages of two different ways of responding to the world they live in. They are much more likely to complete high school, not get involved in drugs and other risky behaviors, and be ready to be productive citizens than children with absent or ineffective parents.

So what are dads particularly good at teaching their children?

Exploring with enthusiasm. Dads encourage their kids to explore their environment with excitement and curiosity and less fear.

Healthy self-confidence. Dads urge their children to expand their strength, skill, and endurance. Kids find out what they are capable of doing. Dads seldom tell their child what won’t work. They let their kids try to master a skill before stepping in to help.

Real-life consequences. Dads allow real-life consequences to teach right and wrong behavior.  “If you don’t share your toys with your friend, he won’t want to play with you again.”

Bigger, better vocabulary. Dads use more ‘grown-up’ language early and challenge their kids to build their vocabulary.

Image of real manhood. Dads affirm the masculinity of their sons and show them how to use their strength and masculinity in positive ways. They show their daughters how to respond to boys and men and what to expect from them.

Kids need both a mom and dad. Dads, your input and influence in your children’s lives bring about a huge decrease in juvenile delinquency, school drop-out, and other unhealthy behavior choices. Be present and active in your kids’ lives. You make a huge difference!

Read more in: How Important is Dad?

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Dads and Moms Play Differently

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This is no news. We all see the difference, but we may not realize the importance of the difference.

A dad looks, smells, sounds and acts differently than a mom. There are beneficial differences between moms and dads to the development of their children.

Dads are much more physically active with their children. They tickle, wrestle and throw theirs kids in the air. Moms use toys and talk to their children.

Dad’s style of play helps a child’s physical development and coordination. He teaches limits, like when enough is enough. They learn that biting and kicking are not acceptable. Dads encourage their kids to try harder and go faster which fosters independence and confidence in their own abilities.

Mom’s play helps her kids develop their language and communication skills. They learn social skills from her. She is usually more calm and quiet in play than dad. Kids have fun, but not the hilarity they may have with dad.

This diversity in approaches gives children a broad, rich experience in relating to others. Together they help their children remain safe while expanding their experiences and increasing their confidence.

Moms usually spend more time and are more involved with their children than dad. But dad’s time and style of play is vital to good development. Gottman says,  “Rough and tumble play used by many dads can predict better self-control abilities in children. High energy, positive play can predict/effect how well a child will be viewed by other kids, and how well they will be accepted by their peers in school. The Gottman group found that the more emotionally involved a father was with his child at the age of four years, the more socially competent his child was at age eight!”

So dads, stay involved with your kids. Start when they are newborn and never stop having your time and playing with your kids.

Moms, make sure you allow dad to play with the kids — in his way. Encourage him to spend time with them. Just turn away if you can’t stand seeing him play rough and tumble. He loves his kids and won’t hurt them. Trust him.

Together make plans for times to play together with your children. Take turns leading the game and enjoy watching the way your kids thrive!

Watch for more articles on how dads help their kids develop well.

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Dad and Mom Together

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During December, we were reminded many times of Jesus’ birth. Although we often focus on Mary and the baby Jesus, I think the unsung hero of the story is Joseph. He was a good and righteous man. He was in tune enough with God that he believed the dreams he had were God’s word to him. He was willing to accept Mary as his wife, though she was pregnant. (Her pregnancy was an act of God, but many people would have doubted that.) After Jesus was born, he uprooted his family twice in obedience to God-given dreams: first to preserve his wife and her child from death by going to Egypt, and then to return to raise his family in Galilee. Joseph worked hard as a carpenter.

And as a good Jewish father, he trained Jesus as a carpenter too. How many admirable qualities do you see in Joseph? Have you ever stopped to consider just what a fine man he was? He had his flaws, no doubt, but the flaws did not cancel out the many characteristics that made him a good man.

I’d like to focus this month on the role of the father. As soon as the woman is aware she is pregnant, changes begin in the home. When, and how, does she tell her husband that he is a father? How will he react? The baby isn’t even born, yet attitudes about this new little human are already forming. It’s such an important time.

If the news of her pregnancy is accompanied by distress and conflict, dad may withdraw from mom. He may resent the baby’s intrusion on their relationship. He may feel he has so many additional responsibilities that he spends more and more time at work. Also, concerns about the additional responsibilities and necessary finances can make these early days of pregnancy challenging.

There are physical stresses now as well. Mom’s hormones are changing dramatically and these affect her mood, energy, and sex drive. It’s a roller coaster ride. The new changes in roles, values, and identity can cause both parents to emotionally withdraw from each other, just when they need each other the most.

We may have brought some attitudes or beliefs into our marriage that make dad fulfilling his most important roles in the family difficult or impossible. Here are some stumbling blocks:

  • One or the other parent believes that it is the woman’s role to raise the children and the man’s role to be the breadwinner. This puts more stress on mom and means dad misses the joy of a warm relationship with his child.
  • Mom may believe that she is the only one who knows how to take care of a baby. She may be afraid for dad to handle the baby and make him feel even more incompetent to be dad. Or dad may get nauseous at the thought of wiping up after baby spews from mouth or bottom. He then disqualifies himself from doing anything with the baby.

These don’t have to be fatal to the relationship. How can you overcome these stumbling blocks? Ask for help. Be willing to help. Share your dreams. Share your fears (most new parents have some.) Pray for your baby before he or she is born. Pray for each other. And appreciate each other.

Good news!  With good relationship skills before the pregnancy and practicing good conflict resolution during pregnancy and during baby’s first year, the marriage can be even stronger, and baby can have a solid family to develop in.

For now, here is one key thought: both mom and dad need to be involved in the baby’s care and development, and that starts before the baby is born. Each has specific roles to fill. Together, both parents have a wonderful, God-given potential to nurture our babies, teach them about trust and love, and model how to relate to others.

We will continue in the next few months to provide you with tools to help you communicate well with each other and continue to build your friendship and love so you can be the best mom and dad for your child.

I have written other articles for YourChildsJourney.com on How Important is Dad? and Bonding and Brain Chemicals. Do take a few minutes to read these articles as they add other aspects of Dad’s role and how to fulfill it.

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Dads and Their Daughters

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Dad and Daughter pictureMy dad was my hero, my confidante, and my model of what a man should be and how he should treat women. Of course I appreciated my mom. But one of the best things she did for me was allow me to have a really good relationship with my dad. She wasn’t jealous of the time and attention he gave me and my sisters. She didn’t interfere and she never criticized him to us.

So what did my dad do that was so special?

He was hands on. Oh, he left most of the bathing and dressing of his daughters to our mom. But we knew we could crawl up in his lap for a snuggle whenever he was not working. He scratched our backs and we scratched his, for coin change. While we were little enough, he’d pick us up and toss us in the air. These flying lessons tickled our tummies and always won him a big sloppy girl kiss. He taught us to ride bikes.

He paid attention to us. He never left for work or returned home without a hug and kiss for each of us. He listened to our long tales and our dreams. He knew what made us each tick. He took lots of home movies and had movie night every so often so we wouldn’t forget special times we had together.

He was a gentleman. He treated us with respect, hugged and kissed us appropriately, and never talked dirty or cursed. I knew from very young, how a man should treat a woman and never had trouble discerning the wrong intentions of boys and young men.

That sounds like he spent all his time at home. He didn’t. He worked long hours as a commercial, retouch artist. He worked downtown, so he had a daily commute. So that he could work overtime without being away from home so many hours, he set up a ‘studio’ in his bedroom with all he needed to do his job. There were very specific rules about being in that room while he worked, so we didn’t spoil many hours of tedious work with carelessness. But, he loved for me sit on his bed and talk to him about anything and everything. He’d listen carefully, though his eyes never left his drawing board. Sometimes I’d think he hadn’t heard me because he hadn’t said anything for a long time, then he’d surprise me with a question or comment that let me know he not only listened, but was ready to help me with my little problems.

He encouraged me to not be timid but to try new things. He encouraged me whenever he saw me being tender and thoughtful of others. He encouraged me to ask for forgiveness when I did wrong and to forgive others quickly.

One of my favorite memories with my dad was our twice a year lunch and shopping trip. Once I was old enough to take the bus into town, I’d meet dad for lunch near his office. He would treat me to a grown-up meal with him at a nice restaurant. Then he’d escort me to one of the big department stores for me to spend the afternoon shopping with my spending money. We’d meet at the bus stop for the ride back home together. My dad was my first date!

So, dads, what can you do to raise your daughters well?

  • Spend time with them. You cannot really know them, if you don’t spend time with them.
  • Give them your attention and approval. Knowing that you noticed and that you approve, is great motivation to keep doing well.
  • Show them appropriate affection and touch. They will know a fraud instinctively then.
  • Listen to them early and often so that they will listen to you when it really matters.
  • Build her self-esteem with honest praise for her character and her hard work and her concern for others.

I liked this quote from Dr. Meg Meeker in Lifeway Men. “Don’t think you can’t fight her “peers” or the power of pop culture. Exactly the opposite is true. Yes, the four Ms—MTV, music, movies, and magazines—are enormous influences that shape what girls think about themselves, what clothes they wear, and even the grades they get. But their influence doesn’t come close to the influence of a father. A lot of research has been done on this—and fathers always come out on top. The effects of loving, caring fathers on their daughters’ lives can be measured in girls of all ages.”

Even if you are not the biological father of the girls you are raising, your influence is great on their development and character.

There are many articles on the internet about Dads and their daughters, but I like these three the best.

Another article on Your Child’s Journey about Dads:

 

 

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