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Raising Good Kids Tip #1- Quality Time

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Harvard University psychologists studied what parents did who raised good kids. The conclusions they came to are mostly common sense, but often we need reminding. I will be using this study as the basis for Parent Tips from time to time.

Raising Good Kids Tip #1- Spend Quality Time with Your Children

When both parents work outside the home and children spend many of their waking hours with other adults, parents must make a conscious effort to spend quality time, regularly with their children. Just being with them, but not giving them your full attention does NOT count as quality time.

  • Quality time involves meaningful conversations. Take turns asking and answering each other’s questions. Listen carefully to what they say.
  • Do things together that they enjoy. Have fun together.
  • Read to them every day or tell stories to them from your childhood.

It takes work to develop caring, loving relationships with your kids. When they feel loved, they become attached to you. That attachment makes them more receptive to learning the values that are important to you.

Exercise: Try using the following questions as conversation starters.

  • “What was the best part of your day? The hardest part?”
  • “What did you accomplish today that you feel good about?”
  • “What’s something nice someone did for you today? What’s something nice you did?”
  • “What’s something you learned today—in school or outside of school?”

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What Kids Want Most

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Please take a minute or two to watch the short video. It is eye-opening!

Who would you most like to eat dinner with?

Did it surprise you as much as it did me? Research shows that as long as a child’s basic needs for food, clothing, shelter, and safety are provided, children want and need most the love and attention of their parents.

Kate Schweitzer says, “What your little one really wants is something that doesn’t cost you a cent but is perhaps more difficult to provide than anything you can put on your credit card — it’s your time. Between long hours at work, endless chores, and the allure of digital distractions, what should be the easiest thing to give is, these days, the most difficult.”

Becky Mansfield at YourModernFamily.com said many of the children in her study wanted their parents to be less stressed and less tired. I think that is getting closer to the root of the problem.

All of us love our children and want to give them our attention. But! That takes time and planning and concentration.

When we have spent the day at a busy job, we’re tired and stressed. We don’t give our best attention when we are exhausted. Getting home, fixing dinner, making sure everyone has what they need for tomorrow makes us less gentle and patient with our kids.

Becky had some very practical tips to help us be less stressed and more able to give the time and attention our kids want. Here are some of her suggestions:

  • Get on a schedule. This takes some of the stress out of your day because you know what you need to do.
  • Have your kids help with your chores. This lessens your load and teaches them valuable lessons.
  • Get everything ready the night before to make mornings less hectic. Get a better start to your day.
  • Limit your “online” time. If everyone limits their online time, there is more time to share together.
  • Simplify your laundry and cooking chores. Get everyone involved to streamline the process.
  • Laugh! Find ways to have FUN with your family.

Read more from Becky on What do kids want most from their parents?

The Power of a Look

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I’ve been reading a book by Elisabeth Elliot called, Let Me Be a Woman. It is a compilation of letters she wrote to her daughter before her marriage. In one chapter she tells a story about a time she was too busy and her daughter knew it. Here’s the story:

“When you were small there were always Indians around us, and I had many things on my mind in the running of a jungle mission station. I was sometimes tempted to pay little attention to your small needs. You knew it at once. You knew whether it was an opportune time to get away with something. You would try it, and my preoccupied, “Val, leave that alone,” you would ignore. You knew you could safely ignore it because my attention had already turned back to the thing at hand. I learned very soon that I had to give my full attention to you when I spoke. I do not mean that I gave you my full attention twenty-four hours of the day. I see mothers who very nearly accomplish this and they do it to the destruction of their poor smothered, harried children. I mean that when a matter needs the mother’s attention it must get her full attention for that moment. I had to turn from my work and turn to you.

“Your eyes would open wide when I stopped what I was doing and looked at you. Slowly, slowly, your hand would drop when I said your name. In the moment of pause and silence you assessed my seriousness. Either I meant it or I did not, and there was no dissimulating with you. You knew which it was and acted accordingly.”

I experienced the same thing with my children and now again with my grandchildren. That look says, “I see you and what you are doing. I have something to say about that and I expect you to listen and obey.” That look has some important components that I want to talk to you about:Your attention, your authority, and your child’s development. [Read more…]