Your Child's Journey

wisdom for the big steps little children take

The Relationship Account

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Developing and maintaining the satisfaction and happiness of our marriage is like putting money in the bank. When we make deposits in our relationship account, we build a positive balance. When we make too many withdrawals from our relationship account we soon have a deficit. All couples are happier when our relationship accounts are in the black, not in the red. But red numbers have their purpose too. They warn us to make some deposits or risk bankruptcy!

How do we make deposits in our relationship?

We have many opportunities every day to make deposits in our relationship account. Whenever we turn towards our spouse, responding positively, we add to our account. Most of our deposits are small, but like cents, they can mount up over time. Dr. John Gottman’s research shows that the key to keeping marriages fulfilling is three words: small things often.

Let’s look at some ways we can reach out for connection and ways we may respond. But first, some definitions. In the table below, approaches are the ways we try to create a moment of connection with our spouse. Responses are the different ways we show that we want to connect too.

Approaches Responses
A glance, a wink, a nod A smile, a wave, a flying kiss
A message A smiley face or short answer
Calling their name “What?” spoken pleasantly
A pat, a kiss, a hug A reciprocal physical sign of affection
Ask for help by word or action Offer to help
Express a need or desire Recognition and plan for fulfilling
Offering to help or do a chore Gratefully accepting

These were all positive responses to different kinds of approaches. Practiced consistently, they will all add to the happiness of your relationship. In other words, you get a richer marriage through investment.

How do we make withdrawals in our relationship?

We also have many opportunities to withdraw from the relationship account. Our negative response may be to turn away from our mate or to turn against them. Turning away will subtract a small amount, but turning against subtracts much more. Note that all of the reactions in the table below are negatives. The difference is the degree of irritation or outright hostility they express. Those on the left (turning away) are irritating. Those on the right are much more damaging.

Turning Away Turning Against
Not responding to our name being called Snarling, “What!”
Ignoring comments- too distracted to hear Answering with a complaint or criticism
Forgetting appointments with spouse Not making appointments with spouse
Getting discouraged Picking fights

Whenever we turn away from, or turn against our spouse, we hurt our relationship. It is not possible to make deposits in your relationship account if you don’t choose to turn towards your spouse when they send a cue for connection. When we notice too many withdrawals, we must move quickly to deposit time, attention, and action into our relationship.

Attention, Please!

We may be missing the cues our spouse sends us because we are not aware of their needs.

When we were courting, we took great pains to anticipate and see their needs. When a slight cloud crossed their face, we diligently searched out the cause and made the adjustments needed to bring the sunshine back.

After marriage, and especially after baby, we may get so busy and preoccupied that we miss the cues our spouse is sending. Now, instead of a cloud, it takes a thunderstorm to get our attention.

Time for Some Practice

Try our Expressing Desires Exercise to boost your positive connections and add to your relationship account.

A final note. All the information and the exercises in this article are based on professional research of thousands of couples. You can see more about that research by visiting this website: Gottman Institute
Learn more about Turning Towards Instead of Away with this Gottman article.

To read more on Healthy Marriage see: Relationship Disconnects.

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Affirm and Appreciate

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As you’ve probably already seen, having a baby adds lots of stress to our lives. When we’re tired and stressed, we become irritable. Irritable people say things they would never say when they are rested and happy. They also fail to say some of the nice things that make life more enjoyable. We’ll always have stress. And babies, as much as we want them and love them, add a ton of stress to our lives.  That’s why it’s important that we focus on, and work at, strengthening our love for each other, even in the stressful times. Building up our spouse pays huge dividends!

There are two great ways to ease stress and strengthen our marital bond: affirmation and appreciation. Affirmations are positive, true statements. These have a strong effect because they are spoken by one we love and are committed to. Appreciation is acknowledging what someone has done for us and showing we recognize their effort. Our goal this month is to try to replace any sharp, hurtful words with affirming or appreciative words. Now let’s look more closely at each of those qualities.

We deepen our friendship when we express and receive compliments. Affirmation and thankfulness are strong relationship boosters.

In some marriages, there is very little affirmation and appreciation. The inability to receive a compliment soon stops the flow of affirmation. Getting embarrassed, ignoring, or denying the heartfelt words hurts the giver. Do this often enough and your spouse will quit giving you compliments and affirmation.

On the other hand, you may find it hard to put your positive feelings into words. Your spouse could be dying to hear you say anything positive about them. With a little bit of practice and the genuine appreciation of your spouse, giving words of affirmation and thankfulness will come easier.

It is good to practice giving and receiving words of affirmation and appreciation. It is even better when it becomes such a natural part of your communication that you say and receive these words in very ordinary moments, doing ordinary tasks.

Time for Some Practice

Practice affirmation and appreciation with the Affirmation Exercise.

Affirmation is not just good for your spouse, it works well with your children too. See: Affirm Your Child

Here are some more articles that can help you understand the importance of affirmation and thankfulness:

Affirm Your Spouse
The Thankful Lover

To read more on Healthy Marriage see: The Relationship Account .

 

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Dads and Their Daughters

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Dad and Daughter pictureMy dad was my hero, my confidante, and my model of what a man should be and how he should treat women. Of course I appreciated my mom. But one of the best things she did for me was allow me to have a really good relationship with my dad. She wasn’t jealous of the time and attention he gave me and my sisters. She didn’t interfere and she never criticized him to us.

So what did my dad do that was so special?

He was hands on. Oh, he left most of the bathing and dressing of his daughters to our mom. But we knew we could crawl up in his lap for a snuggle whenever he was not working. He scratched our backs and we scratched his, for coin change. While we were little enough, he’d pick us up and toss us in the air. These flying lessons tickled our tummies and always won him a big sloppy girl kiss. He taught us to ride bikes.

He paid attention to us. He never left for work or returned home without a hug and kiss for each of us. He listened to our long tales and our dreams. He knew what made us each tick. He took lots of home movies and had movie night every so often so we wouldn’t forget special times we had together.

He was a gentleman. He treated us with respect, hugged and kissed us appropriately, and never talked dirty or cursed. I knew from very young, how a man should treat a woman and never had trouble discerning the wrong intentions of boys and young men.

That sounds like he spent all his time at home. He didn’t. He worked long hours as a commercial, retouch artist. He worked downtown, so he had a daily commute. So that he could work overtime without being away from home so many hours, he set up a ‘studio’ in his bedroom with all he needed to do his job. There were very specific rules about being in that room while he worked, so we didn’t spoil many hours of tedious work with carelessness. But, he loved for me sit on his bed and talk to him about anything and everything. He’d listen carefully, though his eyes never left his drawing board. Sometimes I’d think he hadn’t heard me because he hadn’t said anything for a long time, then he’d surprise me with a question or comment that let me know he not only listened, but was ready to help me with my little problems.

He encouraged me to not be timid but to try new things. He encouraged me whenever he saw me being tender and thoughtful of others. He encouraged me to ask for forgiveness when I did wrong and to forgive others quickly.

One of my favorite memories with my dad was our twice a year lunch and shopping trip. Once I was old enough to take the bus into town, I’d meet dad for lunch near his office. He would treat me to a grown-up meal with him at a nice restaurant. Then he’d escort me to one of the big department stores for me to spend the afternoon shopping with my spending money. We’d meet at the bus stop for the ride back home together. My dad was my first date!

So, dads, what can you do to raise your daughters well?

  • Spend time with them. You cannot really know them, if you don’t spend time with them.
  • Give them your attention and approval. Knowing that you noticed and that you approve, is great motivation to keep doing well.
  • Show them appropriate affection and touch. They will know a fraud instinctively then.
  • Listen to them early and often so that they will listen to you when it really matters.
  • Build her self-esteem with honest praise for her character and her hard work and her concern for others.

I liked this quote from Dr. Meg Meeker in Lifeway Men. “Don’t think you can’t fight her “peers” or the power of pop culture. Exactly the opposite is true. Yes, the four Ms—MTV, music, movies, and magazines—are enormous influences that shape what girls think about themselves, what clothes they wear, and even the grades they get. But their influence doesn’t come close to the influence of a father. A lot of research has been done on this—and fathers always come out on top. The effects of loving, caring fathers on their daughters’ lives can be measured in girls of all ages.”

Even if you are not the biological father of the girls you are raising, your influence is great on their development and character.

There are many articles on the internet about Dads and their daughters, but I like these three the best.

Another article on Your Child’s Journey about Dads:

 

 

Open Ended Questions

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open-ended-question-markI have just returned home from an intense two-day training called Bringing Baby Home. Sound interesting? It really was. I’m looking forward to sharing what I learned with you. Even if your baby is already born and you are past the, “wonder” of birth, you may be wondering what you have gotten yourselves into.

Did you know there is research about that? There is. John Gottman and his colleagues saw a trend in the research they were doing with couples. Within three years of a baby’s birth their research showed a severe drop in marital happiness with an increase in conflict and hostility. This led them to intensively study couples before, during, and after having a baby. That research enabled them to predict, with great accuracy, which couples would be happy and which would not. Based on these findings, Bringing Baby Home has proven to be very successful in increasing the number of happy couples. The babies of these couples learned better and were happier too.

Over the months ahead I will be sharing parts of what I have learned. Gottman’s findings confirmed what we have already been teaching about healthy marital relationships. The new information is how the addition of a baby affects the couples’ relationship and the effects this has on the baby long term.

I will be sharing ways to help you and your spouse cope constructively with the changes brought about with the birth of a child. Pregnancy and delivery are just the start of the journey into parenting. So no matter how far along that road you are, there are steps you can take to strengthen your friendship and improve the outcome of your conflicts.

Here are some of the reasons why the birth of a baby causes so much unhappiness when it should be the beginning of one of the happiest parts of your life as a couple.

  • Identities change- women are now a mother as well as daughter, wife, etc. Men are now a father as well as son, husband, etc.
  • Time must be spent differently.
  • Values change towards work, finances, free-time, etc.
  • Sex and intimacy change.
  • Communication often decreases or becomes more stressful.
  • Some fathers withdraw and some moms rely more on female relationships for support.
  • Sleep deprivation is common.
  • Exhaustion and depression add stress.

Gottman describes the couples who succeed in these adaptations as “masters” and those who fail as “disasters.”

The goal is to help you be among the masters at integrating your baby into your family life.

The concepts I will be sharing are important throughout a couple’s relationship. The motto of the teaching is “small things often.” We completely agree. There is no one big thing that will ensure happiness. It is the small acts of kindness, small acts of understanding, and small acts of conflict regulation every day that will make a difference over time. The goal is to incorporate these skills into your daily life. That will make positive changes in your relationship. These small steps bring larger rewards over time as you continue your journey through life.

For this month, the first step to deepening your friendship is to know your spouse better by being aware of and learning their likes and dislikes, preferences, daily activities, hobbies, life dreams and history. You may have known each other well before your marriage and even through the first year or so after the wedding. But we all change over time. We face new challenges, try new things, and have reasons to change our opinions. But many couples quit making the effort to keep learning about their mate. You must stay curious and reconnect often in order to build the basis of your friendship.

Time for Some Practice

Now try the Open Ended Questions Exercise . This should become a daily habit. Learn one small thing about your spouse each day. You will reap huge rewards for staying connected.

We’ll get to much more about dealing with conflict in the months ahead. For now, try learning some small thing often about your spouse. You will be building your foundation of friendship. Everything else we’ll discuss is built on this base of friendship.

Now how does all that apply to being the best possible parents for your child?  While you’re learning about your spouse, learn something new every day about your baby by observation. How does he or she react to noise and new tastes and smiles? What is your baby’s attitude to strangers and being alone and to touch? How active is your baby and at what time of the day or night? Share these insights with your baby’s dad or mom. These will help you build a foundation for your shared relationship with your baby. We’ll also talk more about this another month.

For more on Healthy Marriage, see Affirmation and Appreciation

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The Midnight Baptism

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One dark and stormy night (oh, yes, I know that first line is overused), Jane (only an alias because none of us want to think we could be like this), lost it.

It had been an exceptionally trying day with her toddler, Terror (not his real name, but definitely the right name for that day). Everything he had touched got broken, spilled, or lost. Everything he had said all day was at maximum volume and with such urgency it couldn’t be ignored.

Jane, on the other hand, had tried every good parenting technique she had ever read about. When they all failed, she fell back on screaming back at him, trying to ignore his antics, and crying.

Jane had finally gotten Terror to bed and was just sitting down to a soothing cup of chamomile tea, when Terror called, “Mommy,” in a sweet, soft voice. Touched by the change in tone and volume, she decided to go see what he wanted. Surely, this would just take a moment.

“Mommy, I want some water.”

“OK, Honey, just a minute.” Off Jane trotted to the sink to get a glass of water.

Back by his bedside, “Here you are.”

Terror looked up and said, “I don’t want any water.”

Jane shrugged, she tucked Terror under his cover and said, “Good night. See you in the morning.”

She just picked up her cup of tea when she heard, “Mommy, I want some water.”

Annoyed, she got a glass of water and told Terror to drink up. He announced that he didn’t need any water.

She said, “Are you sure? I don’t want to hear you ask for water again.”
“No, I don’t want water,” he said firmly.

She went back to her now lukewarm chamomile; she collapsed on her sofa.
Not one minute later, “Mommy, I really do need water!”

She carried the water to the room. Looked at that smug little Terror. Held the glass over his head and baptized him!

When the screaming stopped, she didn’t even really mind remaking his bed and changing his clothes. She had had the last word!

When she got back to the living room, she began to weep, “I’m the most awful mother in the world!” Fortunately, her husband was there and on his best form. “You are the best mommy Teddy (his real name) could have! You have just had one of the worst days ever with him and you both survived! Tomorrow will be better. I love you. I love the mother you are to Teddy, and I’ll pray for you. God will give you the wisdom and the grace you need to be the best possible mommy for Teddy.”

What a guy! Sometimes a good husband is better than a whole pot of chamomile tea. And the next day was better.

Here are some things to think about:
Some days are just horrible days. Everything seems to go wrong. That’s life and everyone faces days like this sometimes.

Most children have bad days sometimes. Some have more than the average, but they are still normal.

Consider the cause:

  • Is your child physically well? Sometimes teething, an ear ache, sore throat, or rash is really the cause of the bad behavior.
  • Is there tension in the home? Contention between parents or other adults living with you will stir your child to be more troublesome than usual.
  • Are you preoccupied? Some one-on-one attention with the trouble maker will reassure him that you still love him and are there for him.

Some ways to deal with your ‘Terror’:
One mother knew she was getting too angry at her misbehaving son. She needed a time out. She took him to his room (knowing he was safe there) and told him he must stay there until they both calmed down. This was not rejection or punishment; it was a wise way to prevent a punishment explosion.

One time a teething baby cried so much and nothing had worked. To get a break from the screaming, his mom put him in his crib, closed the door and turned up the music. After a while she was able to go back and try again to cuddle and console her hurting baby. Again, knowing her limits, she took care of herself too.

Some experts suggest that you should never let a child cry like that; others say that letting them cry, if there is no other serious problem causing their discomfort, can be the only thing you can do. In this mom’s case she made a decision that helped her and her baby.

Take advantage of times when someone else can watch your child for a while. Don’t use those times for chores. Do what will really rest and refresh you.

Having a confidante, prayer partner, or friend that you can confide your anger and frustration to can make all the difference.

Pay attention to what your husband says about the situation. Sometimes he can see a solution that you can’t because you are too close to the problem.

Be ready to encourage another mom you meet that is having a horrible, no good, awful day with her child. It will make you both feel better. Midnight baptisms do give way to sunny mornings.