A Culture of Accountability
I
read the following article this week and wanted to share it with you. I know
that some of you have very tiny babies and children too young to practice accountability.
Perhaps as parents, you can begin to practice staying accountable for your own
actions. Then when your child is old enough to understand this, they will
already have role models to follow.
Many
of us have the habit of shifting the blame for our mistakes or behavior. Or
perhaps we don’t know how to take responsibility and make necessary changes. As
Christians, we know we should be humble and ask for forgiveness and make
amends. We should also readily forgive others.
There
is an epidemic of selfishness and rudeness today. Let’s do our part to raise
children who will not buy into that behavior.
How
to Create a Culture of Accountability in Your Home
Have
you ever wondered what it means to hold your child accountable? It’s an
excellent question and one that we receive often during online parent coaching.
When
we talk about accountability with our kids, we are most concerned about
ensuring that the following two things happen every day with your child.
First, how will you
ensure that your child takes full responsibility for his actions after the
fact—after the bad behavior occurs.
And second, how can
you get your child to think about his responsibility for his actions before the
bad behavior occurs so that he won’t behave badly in the first place.
Ultimately,
we want to promote a system of responsibility and accountability for actions in
our home. James Lehman, creator of The Total Transformation® child behavior
program, calls this a “culture of accountability.” A culture of accountability
means the following:
- Each person in the family is responsible for their own actions and behaviors;
- Each person is responsible for following the rules and expectations set by the parents;
- And each person is responsible for how they respond to stressful or frustrating situations.
The
simple truth is that most kids, and even some grown-ups, don’t take
responsibility for their actions. Without accountability in place, kids blame
others for their actions, refuse to follow rules they find unfair, and find
ways to justify their behavior.
For
example, if your child breaks the house rules by calling his siblings rude
names or being physically aggressive with them, he may be in the habit of
blaming his brother or sister for his verbal abuse. He will say things like
“She wouldn’t get off the computer and I wanted to use it…” Or “He wouldn’t
move, so I pushed him…”
But
if you create a true culture of accountability in your home, your child will
know that no matter who started it or what happened first, everyone is
responsible for their own behavior. Everyone has to follow the rules. If
name-calling is against the rules—and it should be—then just because he was
using the computer doesn’t mean he can call his sister foul names. In other
words, blaming someone else doesn’t change the rules.
Giving
consequences and sticking to them is another important piece of the
accountability puzzle. Your child should know that if he chooses to break the
rules, there will be a consequence for that choice. The bottom line is that no
one in the family should get away with changing the rules to fit their needs or
feelings.
You
can’t make your child want to do something he doesn’t want to do. You
can, however, use effective rewards and consequences to encourage him to do it
anyway. After all, learning to be an adult includes learning to do things you
don’t necessarily want to do.
How to Be Clear About Expectations and Set Clear Limits
If
you have a rule in your home of no name-calling, here’s how you can set clear
expectations and limits around it. Tell your child the following:
“In this house, we
don’t call people names. It doesn’t matter if someone makes you angry, or if
they started it. Each person is responsible for following the rules. If you
call someone else names—remember, it doesn’t matter who started it—you will
lose some of your electronics time.”
Kids
will often try to shift the focus to someone else. If this happens, you can
say:
“It
sounds like you’re blaming your brother for the fact that you called him
names.”
Be
sure all members of the family know that blaming someone else will no longer be
acceptable. In a culture of accountability, each person is responsible for
their own actions, and for following the rules, no matter what someone else
does.
So,
be clear about the rules. And be clear about what each person can expect to see
happen if they choose not to follow those rules. And finally, post the rules on
the refrigerator as a daily reminder to all.
Help
Your Child Figure out How to Follow the Rules
It
isn’t enough to simply say “don’t do that.” Kids often need to know what they can
do, not just what they can’t do. Help them to problem solve. Ask your
acting-out child:
“What
can you do to help meet our rules and expectations?”
Remember,
it doesn’t matter if they think the expectations are fair or not. They simply
need to take responsibility for meeting them. Remind your child:
“It’s your
responsibility to control your temper. Just because your brother is bothering
you does not mean you can push him. If your brother is annoying you, and you’re
tempted to call him names, what can you do instead?”
You
might have your child write down a list of the things they can do to help
themselves follow the rules when they are tempted to break them.
Use
Cues
Once
your children have come up with ways they will help themselves follow the
rules, you can use what James Lehman calls “cueing” – giving a reminder of what
is expected. When you hear your child start to get annoyed, you might say:
“Remember what we’ve
been talking about. You are responsible for following the rules. Why don’t you
go check your list of things that you’re going to do when you’re having trouble
following the rules?”
Use
Consequences to Hold Your Child Accountable
Once
you have clarified the rules and helped your child come up with some ideas on
how he might behave, let him know what he can expect to happen if he still
chooses to break the rules.
Remember,
tie the consequences to your child’s behavior, and keep them short-term. For
example, tell your child:
“If you choose to
call your brother names, you will lose access to your electronics until you can
speak appropriately for two hours.”
Be
sure to follow through with the consequences you set. Remember, without clear
consequences, there is no real incentive for your child to become accountable.
Related
content: How to Give Kids Consequences That Work
A
Culture of Accountability is Achievable
The
good news is that creating a culture of accountability is a very reachable goal
for parents. In fact, effective parenting helps your child learn to be
accountable. Your child will learn to accept responsibility for meeting the
expectations of your family, and he will learn to develop the skills needed to
meet those expectations.
And
when all the members of your family start becoming accountable to each other,
your kids will have a clear understanding of the rules and will be much more
motivated to uphold them. You will even see your kids trying to follow the
rules when they don’t want to do so because they know that they will be held
responsible for their choices, no matter how they feel or what excuses they
give you.
Be
Consistent
Realize
that when you first try to put the culture of accountability into place in your
home, your kids may fail to meet their responsibilities. This will happen even
with clear limits and good problem-solving techniques. It will take practice to
help them understand that they will be held accountable for their actions. They
may think that you will eventually give in. But don’t give in. Be consistent.
And be patient.
As
James Lehman says, “parents are the solution, not the problem.” You can teach
your children the skills they need to take responsibility in their lives now.
And for their future. With consistency and practice, your kids will learn that
they are responsible for their actions and behaviors. It’s never too early—and
it’s never too late—to start a culture of accountability in your home.
Click, EmpoweringParents.com, for more helpful articles.