Solvable vs Perpetual Problems

October 31, 2017 By Diane Constantine

Our last lesson was about accepting your spouse’s influence.

Accepting your spouse’s point of view does not mean you have to totally agree with them or do things the way they think it must be done. It does mean, however, you have to respect their opinion. You identify and empathize with your spouse’s point of view.

Solvable and Perpetual Problems

We need to be aware that not every problem is solvable. In other words, there may not be a way to come to agreement on many issues that you face in your marriage. There are Solvable problems and Perpetual problems.

Solvable problems are mostly irritants and annoyances that cause minimal frustration. These can be resolved because there is room for negotiating and compromise.

Perpetual problems on the other hand, are more intense and recur periodically. These problems usually have some underlying root for the conflict. They may have to do with personality differences, issues brought into the marriage, or the meaning attached to an action. Gottman’s research indicates as many as 69% of relationship problems are perpetual.

When perpetual problems resurface, we try to find the best workable solution for the time being. Knowing we cannot agree, we make a decision about our actions for the near future.

For example for years, my husband would want complete accounting for any money I spent while he was away on a trip. I was never careless with money, so I resented what seemed like his distrust of me. This was a perpetual problem. I tried different methods of keeping track of what I spent. These ‘solutions’ each worked for a while and then we’d have another argument.

Finally after many years, he told me he didn’t want to be that way. Just knowing he realized it was his problem and that he wanted to change, helped me tremendously. He had been very poor as a young adult and needed to watch every cent. He realized that it was no longer an issue. Understanding that, I was able to take his questions with more grace. And over time, he no longer asked at all.

Dealing with Perpetual Problems

So perpetual problems can have a temporary compromise. They will crop up again because the root problem has not been solved. Sometimes we just have to agree to disagree, but not be disagreeable about the issue.

Solvable Problem Exercise:

Categories of Disagreements

Household chores
Childcare
Diet, food or nutrition issues
In-laws and extended family
Recreation and having fun
Friends
Balancing Career and family
Handling stress
Other (please specify)

Instructions:

Review the list of common disagreements. Choose just one area that you want to work on.
Write a description of the problem you want to discuss.
Discuss ways you could compromise to solve this problem.

Choose a relatively small problem that seems to have a solution. Don’t choose a perpetual problem, one that comes up over and over.

Example:

Topic: Childcare

Description: I am often late getting our child from day care. I never know exactly when I can leave work, but my car has the car seat. My husband gets off at the same time every day, but he always stops to pick up dinner on his way home. Maybe if we switched chores, it would work better.

“The next time your spouse makes a complaint, think about it as their way of communicating how important the issue is to them – not as an attack on you. Then, instead of getting defensive, identify the reasonable part of their request, and yield to win. By identifying and empathizing with your partner’s point of view, you are more likely to find a solution that honors both of you.” From The Marriage Minute- Yield to Win

Accepting Influence

September 26, 2017 By Diane Constantine

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Accepting influence is one of the most important ingredients for a healthy, happy marriage. Accepting our spouse’s influence is most important in conflict, yet it is the hardest time to do it. So, deciding ahead of time that you will accept influence is a great way to gain more respect, power, and influence in your marriage. It is the way to win. Both of you win. If only one wins in arguments, both really lose.

Gottman’s research shows that men, more frequently than women, have difficulty accepting influence from their wives. All their training and culture tune men to take a decisive lead and make decisions. BUT, statistically speaking, when a man is not willing to share power with his wife, there is an 81% chance that his marriage will self-destruct. The husband may think he has won the argument, but he has lost the war. His wife will either become weak and unwilling to participate in any decision making or she will sabotage his plans and become passive-aggressive.

Though men may statistically be more prone to unwillingness to accept influence, I’ve met my share of women who will not accept their husband’s influence. They destroy their marriages too.

The happiest, most stable marriages are those where neither one resists power-sharing and decision-making.

Unwillingness to accept influence, share power, and share decision-making is most easily seen when criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling are part of most arguments. These behaviors will poison the marriage and are great predictors of marriage failure.

Kyle Benson, writing for The Gottman Institute, describes a few different ways to help see the other person’s point of view. If we cannot see the problem from their perspective, it is nearly impossible to accept their influence in finding a solution.

Kyle starts with the assumption that every situation can yield two different yet valid perspectives that deserve equal weight. When my perspective seems so correct, how can I accept influence from my husband when his perspective is so different?!

Here are the three ways Mr. Benson describes to help us see another point of view.

The Conflict is the Space Between

Picture you and your spouse on two separate islands with murky water between. If you are going to see from your mate’s perspective, you would have to travel to your partner’s island to see as they see. Look at the problem as the murky water between your islands and focus on clearing that up. After the water’s cleaner, both of you can dive below the surface and discover what is actually going on.

Accusations, assumptions, or criticisms muddy the water and make the real problem and solution impossible to find. Stop these negative attitudes and words and be willing to listen, really listen, to your spouse. Then you can dip deep and discover the real issue.

Finding the Elephant in the Room

Perhaps you’ve seen the illustration of six blind men touching an elephant and declaring what is in the room. They say it is a pillar (leg), a rope (tail), a thick branch (trunk), a huge fan (ear), a wall (belly) and a solid pipe (tusk).

In practically every fight there is an invisible elephant in the room. The truth about the elephant lies somewhere between these perspectives. In other words, acknowledge that your mate’s perspective is just as valid as yours. You don’t have to agree, but in order to work through the problem you need to show respect for their opinion.

Check Your Jersey

Often in conflict we feel like we are on different teams. Imagine that underneath your different team jerseys, you are both wearing another jersey that is the same color. In trying to solve your disagreement, remember to check your jersey and remember you are really both on the same team.

Over the lifetime of your marriage, there will be many tests. Often you will have to accept your spouse’s influence if you are going to have a successful marriage. In five, ten, or fifty years you will look very different from now. You will have changed the way you think, how you act, and what is important to you. It happens through tests.

In our marriage vows we promise to love each other for better or worse, in sickness and health, poverty and wealth, forsaking all others. Our marriage will be tested by these big things and thousands of little things. Being able to recognize our spouse’s point of view, respect their feelings and thoughts, and then look beyond the immediate crisis to the underlying realities will make the difference between a growing and healthy marriage or a shell that we may choose to shed as useless.

So the next time an argument starts, you may want to do what one husband did. He began to act like a mime feeling the air. The wife looked at him with a ‘What is wrong with you?’ kind of look and he responded, “I’m trying to find the elephant in the room. Can you tell me what you’re seeing so we can figure out what this elephant is together?”

If you would like to read all of Kyle Benson’s article, see: There are Two Views to Every Conflict and Both are Valid.

Read more of our Child-Ready Marriage materials.

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Take-a-Break!

August 29, 2017 By Diane Constantine

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The last lesson was about a Gentle Start up to conflicts. Since conversations and conflicts usually end on the same note that they began, how we bring up a problem is very, very important.

Many of us don’t think about how we are going to discuss a problem in our relationship. We would all improve our communication if we would think first. If you didn’t read the last lesson, why not take a few minutes to read, The Gentle Start-up.

When we don’t take the time to plan how to discuss and use a gentle start-up, we often get into a heated argument. Sometimes something just happens and we blow up before we even think. So what can we do when we realize we’ve stepped into a whirlwind of emotions?

Remember we talked about how to help a baby who is overstimulated? First you stop what you were doing with your child and you give them time to self-soothe. Taking a break uses the same principle. Stop the discussion right where it is and each one takes the time to self-soothe.

Taking a break is not the same thing as stonewalling. In stonewalling, we retreat from the conversation by leaving, either physically or emotionally. We quit talking and refuse to connect again in the discussion.

When an argument begins to spin out of control, we feel the physical symptoms of arousal; faster pulse and higher blood pressure. We begin having trouble processing new information and have difficulty listening. This certainly isn’t the atmosphere for solving our dilemma.

One or both of you may begin this process we call ‘flooding.’ You should have a previously agreed on signal that you can use when you need to take a break. It may be the sports signal making a T with your hands for ‘Time Out’, or something else you agree on.

At that point, you both agree to take a break. You set a time when you will begin again. A good length of time is about 20-30 minutes. It takes your body that long to de-escalate from the fight or flight flooding.

What you do with this time is vital to the process.

Don’t take the time to rehearse your arguments and try to plan an attack that cannot be refuted. Don’t just nurse your frustration and wallow in your emotions. Take a break!
Do whatever it is that is relaxing for you. Take a walk, take a bath, meditate, listen to lovely calming music, take a power nap. Whatever you do, make the goal calming yourself.

Resume the discussion when you are both calmed down.

Make it your goal to address the issue, not attack each other.
Keep your voices down and avoid harsh words or tone.
Try to understand what your spouse is saying.

In the next few lessons we’ll talk more about ways to come to an agreement that benefits your relationship.

Exercise:

Talk with your spouse about what signal you will use when you need to take a time out from a conflict.

Think about what activities are the most calming to you. Take 20 minutes calming yourself now. Then have a nice chat about something you like about your spouse. See how nice it feels? We can accomplish so much more when we are not flooded and stressed.

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Conflicts and the Gentle Start-Up

August 2, 2017 By Diane Constantine

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The next series of lessons relate to conflicts in marriage. All couples have conflicts. The way we handle them will make all the difference in the damage or strength they bring to our marriage.

The goal we should have for our marriage is to decrease the frequency, the intensity, and the duration of conflicts. That means we fight less often. When we argue, we don’t get so angry and hostile. And we settle our disagreements more quickly.

In this series of lessons we will be covering 5 parts of Constructive Problem Solving. They are:

Gentle Start-up
Take a Break
Accepting Influence
Solvable and Perpetual Problems
Repair and Compromise

We realize that during an argument, you are not going to reach for these lessons to go through these steps. But it is our goal to help you develop attitudes that will help you find good solutions. There will be exercises to help you learn some good techniques for making your arguments less stressful and more conducive of positive change.

So that conflicts do not tear your relationship apart, it is important that you are aware of the most dangerous threats to your marriage. There are four negative communication behaviors that are toxic to a relationship. If any of these are present in your relationship, now is the time to stop them and take positive steps to save your marriage. These behaviors are guaranteed to decrease your marital satisfaction and if they continue are the greatest predictors of divorce. So, what are they?

Criticism is judging and blaming the other. It frequently includes “always” or “never” statements and negative labels or name-calling,
Defensiveness is self-protective behavior. It often includes counter-attacks, whining, and denying our responsibility.
Contempt is taking a superior attitude. It includes sarcasm, mockery, and/or character assassination.
Stonewalling is withdrawing from interaction. This is done with silence, turning away, refusing eye contact, or leaving the scene.

When there are some or all of these toxic behaviors along with more negative than positive relationship connections the stage is set for marital breakdown.

We want to avoid this at all cost. You have already invested so much time, energy, and money into your relationship. It is valuable to you. Anything that is valuable is worth taking the time and effort to keep in good repair.

The Gentle Start-Up

At the Gottman Institute they have studied thousands of couples and have sorted them into the Masters and the Disasters. The Masters have learned and practiced healthy relationship skills. They still argue, but they have learned ways to deal with the real issues, explain their needs and desires, and hear their mates so they can come to good, workable compromises. Their first step in an argument is a gentle start-up.

The first 3 minutes of when a problem is raised usually determines how well the conflict will be resolved. Gottman says, ”Conversations invariably end on the same note that they begin.” So, the gentle start-up has the best chance of finding a good resolution.

In order to have a gentle start-up you must think before exploding. This is much more possible if you deal with disagreements one at a time and have not stockpiled them. Plan a good time to discuss what is bothering you, a time that works well for both of you. Don’t start an argument on an empty stomach or when you’re too tired to think.

The initial statement may be a complaint, but it should not include any blame. It should focus on a specific problem you want to discuss. It may address the other person’s behavior, but not his or her perceived character flaws.

Use statements that start with “I” instead of “you.” When we use “you” statements we put our mate on the defensive. When we use “I” statements we are more likely to voice our need or desire in a way they can hear and respond to. Using “we” statements are even better as they show how we can work together to solve the problem. Be sure to include appreciation and gratitude. This keeps the discussion on a positive track. Remembering ways our spouse has helped or behaved well in the past, is a great way to ask for more.

Be prepared to tell your spouse clearly what you want or don’t want. No one is good at reading minds. If you cannot state what you desire clearly, you are not ready to talk about the issue.

Bathe the whole start-up with kindness. Keep to one issue and use polite words and tone for the best results.

For example: “I miss the little gifts you used to bring me. They made me feel special, even when they didn’t cost much money. Lately, I feel like you don’t remember me when you are away from home.”

Time for Some Practice

Get some practice wording complains without accusation or character assassination. Gentle Start-ups lead to much better resolutions. The Gentle Start-Up Exercise.

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Gentle Start-Up Exercise

August 2, 2017 By Diane Constantine

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Take turns reading one of the Harsh Start-up statements. The other will try to turn the Harsh Start-up into a Gentle Start-up. If you have trouble doing this, then work together to find a way you agree would be a Gentle Start-up if this were a problem in your marriage. Make this a team exercise, not an excuse to criticize or complain.

Harsh Start-ups:

We never do anything fun anymore. You are a workaholic!
You haven’t helped me with chores for weeks. I’m exhausted and you don’t even notice.
You’re so thoughtless. You don’t call me when you’ll be late or ever bring me flowers.
You always talk about yourself. Do you even care about my day?
You aren’t attracted to me anymore! You flirt with everyone else.
We got a collection notice today. You are irresponsible about paying our bills.
You never play with the kids. You’re a lousy parent.
You never say, “No” to the kids. You spoil the kids and I look like the ‘bad guy.”
Go back to the store for the things you didn’t buy!
You’re a slob! Look at this mess.

Need some help in softening these harsh start-ups?

Think about ways to remember some success in the past in this trouble area. Affirm and appreciate any past success or progress in this area.
Replace “never” and “always” with a statement about the current problem not the past.
Think about what the “real” issue is instead of poking at several issues.
Eliminate character assassination or name calling.
Find ways to use “I” statements instead of “You” statements.