relationships

This year on home leave, we spent a week with our son and grandchildren, time with my Dad’s family and my siblings, time with friends in our town, time with a former student, and a friend we have not seen since university. Each visit was special and relationship strengthening. So this month I want to emphasize the importance of relationships.

The lives of young families today are busier than ever before. Work, kids, church, chores, and more make it hard to build relationships with others. You barely have time to keep your marriage in tune. But as hard as it is, it is vital that you build relationships with others, too.

With cellphones and other media, there is a de-personalization of relationships. We can have instant access to people, but we no longer have as much time in their presence, feeling their hugs, tasting their food, and hearing their stories. When was the last time you received a hand written card or letter?

We need, we All need, to have family ties, friends, and some very important people in our lives.

You may start with your parents. If you are nearby, you probably already have significant time with them. Hopefully your children are benefitting from time with their grandparents. None of us crawled out from under a rock and made it all on our own. We had family who taught us what was important in life and showed us what it means to be loved. Knowing our parents and grandparents helps anchor us in the real world. Their stories of overcoming hardship encourage us when life doesn’t go as planned. Provide these connections for your children.

Some of you don’t have parents nearby. If they are still alive, make every effort to visit as often as possible. But should your parents not be able to have a part in your children’s life, find an older person or couple to ‘adopt’ as your children’s grandparents or aunts and uncles. They can be a wonderfully good reference point for your children’s growing foundations. Your church may be the first place to look for this relationship.

You should have some other friends in your life to help you stay focused. These friends may be close for a short while or for a season in your family life, or life-long friends. To keep friends, you must spend time together. It is difficult to be confidential with someone you have never shared life with. Sometimes moves have torn you apart, but with these good friends, as soon as you are reunited, you pick up where you left off, hardly missing a beat. Take the time to stay in touch.

My great treasure from this home leave is time of reconnection with my grandkids, my extended family, close friends and reconnecting with a former student and a university classmate! So precious were these hours together. So uplifting to all of us!

I believe we neglect relationships at our peril.

It is January 1, 2019. The old year is finished, whether well or poorly. The new year is a new opportunity for you and your spouse and your children. I got this article by email and wanted to share this good advice with all the couples who receive these emails.

Are your goals for 2019 as useless as a to-do list on your hand?

The following article is from The Gottman Institute. I hope you will take a few minutes to see how you and your family can build a stronger, better, and happier family in 2019.

“Unfortunately, New Year’s Resolutions are almost synonymous with poor follow through—about 80% of resolutions fail by the time mid-February comes along.

For couples, setting goals to improve their relationship may not be the first thing that comes to mind at the turn of the calendar year. But being intentional about improving communication, trust, and satisfaction can yield significant positive change. This is true for couples in both healthy and unhealthy relationships.

The challenge, then, is to understand why relationship-related New Year’s Resolutions (and goals in general) so often fail.

Consider these common reasons

Goals are not in line with individual values. If the goal doesn’t enhance each person’s sense of self and authenticity, then it won’t enhance the relationship, either.
Goals are too big. It’s easy to give up on goals if they’re large and intimidating. By chunking them down into small actionable steps, it’s easier to stay consistent with them.
Goals are not measurable. It’s fine to say, “We want to communicate better.” But if the goal is left there, how will the couple truly know whether and when it’s been achieved?
Goals need to be specific and created in a way so it can be intuitively measured or identified.
Goals only focus on the short-term. Couples should regularly evaluate their six month, one year, five year, and 10+ year visions—as a couple and individuals. This helps bridge the gap between short-term and long-term success.

The following suggestions can be used to jump-start your goal-setting session for the new year. These goals reflect specific and measurable actions which can truly enhance communication, trust, and overall relationship satisfaction.

Stay screen-free during meals

This means no phone, no social media, and no television, whether eating at home or while dining out. Why is this so important? Research shows that “phubbing,” which is “the act of snubbing someone in a social setting by looking at your phone instead of paying attention,” leads to lower levels of relationship satisfaction. Be present.

Schedule a weekly date

It’s easy to let a busy schedule take over your life. Couples who make time for quality time with each other create wonderful opportunities to bond. Plan for major holidays (Valentine’s Day, Mother’s/Father’s Day, etc.) as well as new and novel activities (trips to a museum, new restaurants, sporting events, day hikes, etc.).

Plan a vacation

Research shows that planning a vacation brings as much joy (if not more) than the actual vacation itself. And preparing for a trip requires cooperation, saving, and creativity.

Volunteer together

Working together to serve others is a powerful bonding exercise—and sets a good example for children, as well.

Read books together

These can be books specific to relationship-building (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman is a fantastic choice) or any other genre that both people will enjoy.

For a relationship to thrive, partners need to be committed to strengthening the shared bond. To this end, setting relationship-based goals can be extremely effective.

In addition to setting goals together, couples should employ strategies to help hold each other accountable. Examples include weekly scheduled check-ins, scheduling events directly on calendars, or even fun little incentives, such as a meal out or gifts to each other.

Not only will this foster a loving and meaningful relationship, but it will also enhance the well-being of both people involved.”

New Year Goals