honesty – Your Child's Journey

I’ve been thinking about truth telling. We want our children to be truth tellers, not liars. We have a part to play in developing honesty in them. About four years ago I wrote an article on Ways to Encourage Honesty. Since then I’ve read more articles on teaching our children to be honest. This article will give you a few more things to consider.

Every parent is going to face the fact that their children lie. It is one of the sins in our fallen nature. For some children, one or two occasions of lying and facing the consequences of those lies cures them of the penchant to lie. But for some of our children, they have a very stubborn streak that causes them to lie about big and little things. If we cannot see that streak broken in childhood, they will face very hard consequences later in life for the lies they tell as adults.

I don’t want you to be shocked when your little angel tells a lie, straight to your face. I hope you will have some tools ready to use as a result of reading these articles. Maybe you saw a very effective way your own parents dealt with your first lies and you are ready to nip this bad behaviour in the bud.

Your spouse, your child’s other parent, may well have a key that will help in dealing with lies. Be sure to talk about your response to lying before it occurs and then debrief afterwards to see how well that approach worked. Be willing to adapt.

But not matter how well prepared you are, you need help when it happens to you.

Pray!

Wow, that sounds like a cliché! But every parent and every child is an individual. There is no one size fits all answer to lying. There is one prayer that the Bible says will always be answered. James 1: 5, “If any of you lack wisdom, you should pray to God, who will give it to you; because God gives generously and graciously to all.” If you ask for wisdom, God will give you the wisdom you need to deal with each child.

If you don’t know what is behind the lie, you will likely treat it incorrectly. Yet, you’re only human. How could you possibly know?

Discover why they lie

There are so many reasons a child may lie. They may have heard someone else tell a lie and get what they wanted. So, they want to try that tactic to get their way. They may have just said the first thing that popped into their head. They may be afraid of punishment. Or they may be afraid of hurting you or facing your emotions. They may be trying to get a sibling in trouble. Or they may not know that what they said is wrong.

Depending on your child’s age, ability to understand, and whether this is the first or umpteenth time they have lied, your response may need to be quite different.

Stay quiet and calm

You cannot go wrong by getting quiet and calm before reacting to the lie. A wise person once told me, “Ask a question.” That question will be different for each occurrence of lying. But it may help you get a window into your child’s mind.

Model truth telling

As in any other bad habit we want to eliminate from our child’s life, we must be a good model for them to follow. If you say you’re not feeling well, when your children know you are well; they just saw lying modeled. If you often say, “I forgot,” when they know you never intended to run that errand; you have modeled a lie. We need to model speaking tactfully so as not to hurt feelings, and still tell the truth. Instead of pleading sickness, we can say, “I’m busy right now, but could we meet up tomorrow?” And instead of forgetting, we can say, “That is not something I’m good at. Is there something else I can do for you?”

One well documented way to encourage truth telling is sharing examples of truth telling as a good character trait you want your children to be known for. George Washington’s, “I cannot tell a lie.” Is an example. But watch for good examples that your own children can observe.

Promise of truth

Another tool that may be helpful is to ask for a promise of truth. This is especially effective when it involves people outside the family. Begin by asking your child to promise to tell you the truth, before asking other questions. But this must be used sparingly or it loses its power to work.

My bottom line is, pray! Pray for God’s wisdom. Pray for His grace to help you respond in the best way possible for your child. Pray for a tender and teachable heart in your child. And if you have a child who deals with this character flaw for many years, don’t give up praying! God has a way to get through even when we cannot. After all, we are stewards of our children, not owners. They are ours for a time, but ultimately God is their Father and loves them and will lead them home.

Other articles about honesty and lying:

Ways to Encourage Honesty
A Better Way to Stop Lying
From A Fine Parent web site: Turning Lies into Lemonade

I read an article this month by Amy McCready, writing for Positive Parenting Solutions . In her article on seven steps to encourage honesty, she reported that lying is a developmental mile marker. “When your preschooler starts lying, it’s simply a new developmental milestone, according to research by Kang Lee, a University of Toronto professor and director of the Institute of Child Study. This shift signifies changes in the way your child organizes information. It’s a normal step, so you don’t need to worry about your little one becoming a pathological liar.

Though it’s a normal stage of development, we still want to know how best to deal with this misbehavior so that it doesn’t continue. Amy says, “[Children] want to avoid punishment, disappointing their parents or an unpleasant outcome. Would you be honest if you knew it would cause you humiliation, a lecture, a punishment or being yelled at?

“And naturally, when our kids blatantly lie to us, we want to punish them to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Unfortunately, that’s exactly what happens – when we punish kids for lying, they’ll keep doing it in the hopes of avoiding any future punishment. So if we can’t punish them, how do we put a stop to the lies? Keeping in mind the reasons why kids lie, we can create an environment where they feel safe telling the truth. The following seven tips can help you make your home a more honest place.”

Here are her seven steps. To read the entire article go to: Seven Steps to Encourage Honesty in our Kids and Put an End to Lying.

Keep calm and parent on. If your kids worry about being yelled at or punished when they mess up, they won’t want to come to you with the truth. Focus on using a calm voice. That doesn’t mean kids are off the hook for lying. But instead of getting angry and assigning blame, discuss solutions to the problem with your child.
Don’t set up a lie. When we ask questions to which we already know the answer, we’re giving our children the opportunity to tell a lie. Instead, emphasize ways to address the situation. Ask questions like: “What are your plans for finishing your work?” and “What can we do to clean this up and make sure it doesn’t happen next time?” This can help head off a power struggle and allows your child to save face by focusing on a plan of action instead of fabricating an excuse.
Get the whole truth. Get to the root of the problem and why she couldn’t be honest. Open up a conversation gently, saying, “That sounds like a story to me. You must be worried about something and afraid to tell the truth. Let’s talk about that. What would help you be honest?”
Celebrate honest. Say something like: “I really appreciate you telling me what really happened. That must have been difficult for you, but I really appreciate you telling the truth and taking responsibility.”
Delight in do-overs. Turn the mistake into a learning opportunity. Ask, “If you could have a do-over, what would you do differently?” and brainstorm different ideas.
Show the love. Let your kids know you love them unconditionally, even when they make mistakes. Make sure they know that while you don’t like their poor behavior, you will never love them any less because of the mistakes they might make. This helps your kids feel safe opening up to you.
Walk the talk. Remember that your kids are always looking to you and learning from your actions. Those little white lies we tell, whether it’s to get out of dog sitting for the neighbors or helping with the school fundraiser, aren’t harmless – they’re showing your kids that it’s okay to lie.

Some of these principles we have highlighted many times before. But it is always good to review them in light of specific parenting situations we face.

Many of your children are not yet to the stage where they lie, for you, being forewarned may keep you from increasing the likelihood of more lying when it begins. For those of you who have already detected your children in lies, hopefully this and other articles will help you to discover the root cause of the lies your children tell.

A Better Way to Stop Lying is a previously published article on Your Child’s Journey that you may find helpful too.