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Your Child's Journey

wisdom for the big steps little children take

You are here: Home / Archives for relationship

The Positive Parent’s Creed

November 3, 2019 By Diane Constantine Leave a Comment

A parenting plan with a future

We will let our children know we love them no matter what they do.

Our children will learn that love is not earned, love is freely given.

We will be honest about our mistakes, remembering to ask our children to forgive us when we fail them or misunderstand them.

Our children will learn the value of personal honesty instead of hypocrisy.

We will give each child some individual time and attention every day.

Our children will learn that they are important to us, not a nuisance that we endure.

We will listen to our children as well as talk to them.

Our children will learn that listening to one another is one of the most loving things we can do for each other.

We will help our children develop a genuine personal faith in God.

Our children will learn, through our example, the value of a genuine faith.

We will correctly love and lovingly correct.

Our children will learn that discipline is an expression of love.

We will teach proper relationship to authority.

Our children will learn that respect for authority is the key to a successful life.

We will encourage proper independence.

Our children will develop a strong conscience.

They will learn to withstand and overcome the negative pressures around them.

Filed Under: All Ages Tagged With: relationship, talk, time

The Rituals Exercise

June 5, 2017 By Diane Constantine

Rituals Exercise:
This exercise is taken from Gottman’s Blog from December 7, 2013.

Review the list of rituals below. Take a moment to select the ones you each want to talk about – we suggest that you mostly focus on any that are currently relevant and of concern.  Then ask and answer the questions to help you consider the rituals you want for your relationship.

Types of Rituals:

  • Waking up, waking one another up
  • Breakfast
  • Lunch
  • Dinner
  • Snacks
  • Leaving one another
  • Reuniting
  • Handling finances
  • Hosting others in your home
  • Special days (birthdays, anniversaries, etc.)
  • Taking care of one another when sick
  • Renewing your spirit
  • Taking vacations or getaways
  • Traveling
  • Recreation, games, and play
  • Dates or romantic evenings
  • Attending sports events
  • Participating in sports events
  • Watching television
  • Attending movies
  • Attending concerts, plays, and other cultural events
  • Religious festivals and holidays
  • Regular religious services
  • Rituals of transition (funerals, weddings, bar mitzvahs, etc.)
  • Attending another’s performance or sports event
  • Doing hobbies
  • Creating art
  • Running errands
  • Doing household chores
  • Participating in community events or politics
  • Doing charity work
  • Doing schoolwork
  • Soothing other people’s feelings
  • Apologizing or repairing feelings after an argument
  • Arriving at your job
  • Doing your job
  • Leaving your job


Questions to Ask and Answer:

  1. What was this activity like in your family or with your friends when you were growing up?
  2. Did you have rituals surrounding it?
  3. What were those rituals like?
  4. What did you enjoy about them? What did you dislike about them? What would have made them better?
  5. What is this activity like in your life today?
  6. Do you have rituals surrounding it?
  7. What are those rituals like?
  8. How satisfied are you with them?
  9. What does this ritual mean or symbolize for you?
  10. Does this ritual help you feel more connected or less connected to the important people in your life?
  11. Does this ritual foster positive or negative feelings towards others?
  12. What could be done to make this ritual a more positive experience for you? For others?

The goal of this activity is to reconnect – both with yourself and with your partner – and to share comfort and support. Take turns asking and answering questions, using this as an opportunity to learn about each other, uncover hidden dreams, discover shared meaning, and create new rituals celebrating your dreams and values.

Filed Under: All Ages, The Child-Ready Marriage Tagged With: relationship, rituals

Relationship Disconnects

May 3, 2017 By Diane Constantine

Recently we talked about The Relationship Account. If you haven’t read that article, you can see it here: The Relationship Account

In that article we listed some approaches to create a moment of connection. Some of the approaches will stir an equal, or at least automatic, response from your spouse. Like when one winks or nods, the other will almost automatically respond in kind. Or when one reaches out with a pat or hug, the other usually responds similarly. This is assuming the relationship is in pretty good shape. Even these approaches can be rebuffed if the relationship account is near zero.

Here we’ll look at some of the things that interfere with making positive deposits into your relationship.

Reasons for Disconnects:

The approach is  not clear.  This may happen if the one making the approach is not sure how the other will respond. Perhaps there have been some irritable responses during the day. They may waver about how to approach. Is this a good time to wink or pat? Or perhaps it would be better to write a note first or would it be better to give a big hug and kiss? When this kind of indecision is boiling up inside, the approach may seem half- hearted or overly perky.  The response then may be tepid or hostile. When this happens, disappointment and a withdrawal from the relationship account is almost certain.

The need is not clear.  Another reason the approach is not met with a positive connection is that the one reaching out does not know how to state their need clearly enough to get the response they desire. When this happens their spouse may be confused and not respond well. The confusion and unfulfilled needs lead to more and more missed cues. Sex is one area where words may just seem too awkward.

When this happens enough they may decide it is not worth taking the chance of being rejected or humiliated. They will just avoid expressing their needs. That is never good because your spouse is the only one who should be meeting those needs. If they are not being met, the risk increases of reaching out to someone else. This couple may need to work out some code words or actions to signal desires they find too difficult to put in words.

The receiver wasn’t ready. There are many other reasons an approach nets an inadequate response and connection. Perhaps the receiver is pre-occupied and doesn’t even know an approach has been made. Or maybe they are just too tired to be aware of their mate’s attempts at connection. Before assuming our spouse has rejected us, we should take a quick inventory. Did they not see or hear us? Were they pre-occupied? What else was going on around them? Why not ask a gentle question or offer a drink, some food, time for a bath or nap? Showing a little kindness will often bridge the gap and open their heart to connection.

Sarcasm. This is the worst approach. This happens when the one with a need does not ask for what is needed, but instead gets angry and sarcastic with the other for not “knowing” what is needed. This usually doesn’t happen until an approach has been ignored or rebuffed a number of times. The level of hostility and contempt increases over time. The only way for the receiver to de-escalate the tension is to pay attention to the emotions expressed and not turn away. They must find the real need in the negative statement. They may ask, “What do you need?”

We know it is important to connect often and positively. It is also important to know what to do if we realize we are slipping into bad habits that deplete our relationship account?

Connect Often Every Day.

  • Make every connection as positive as possible. Don’t let a little touch or message or kiss go unanswered. Stop a moment and enjoy the connection.
  • If you sense in yourself irritation at the other’s approach, address the reason for the irritation. Are you too busy? Is there another way they could approach you that you would appreciate more? Are you angry with someone or something else? Set aside a time to talk to your spouse and clear the air.
  • If your spouse doesn’t seem to understand what you need, you must talk about it and find better ways to communicate your needs. Try some signals if words seem awkward at times.
  • Notice how your spouse approaches you and how they turn toward you. Try similar ways to approach and respond. Over time your spouse can learn new ways, but concentrate on the positives not the missed cues or responses.
  • Concentrate on small positive exchanges, don’t rely on big fancy gifts, dates, or trips to make up for arguments or an atmosphere of hostility.
  • Make the consistent message to each other show love, respect, and interest in one another’s lives.
  • Make mealtimes pleasant times. Don’t make dinner an opportunity to air your frustrations. Of course, this may happen occasionally, but don’t make it a habit.
  • Develop some family rituals for leaving and arriving home, meals, and bedtime. Make these opportunities to let each other know how much they mean to you and why you love them. You may think these would look silly to someone else, but don’t be inhibited. You know these are positive deposits in your relationship account.
  • If you or your spouse are tempted to sarcasm, recognize this is a very serious sign that your relationship is in danger. Seek help to repair the damage and begin to rebuild your relationship before it’s too late.

Gottman says, “If you don’t feel like you have a high positive to negative ratio in your relationship now, start working to increase the ratio. As long as you have some spark of affection or admiration left for each other, it isn’t too late to change your patterns and save your relationship.”


Time for Some Practice

Expressing Needs Exercise -may help you practice talking about your current needs that are not being met as you would like.


To read more on Healthy Marriage see: The Positive Point of View

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Filed Under: All Ages, BBH Tagged With: disconnect, relationship, sarcasm

The Importance of Grandparents

November 2, 2015 By Diane Constantine

This month I’ve been considering the importance of the grandparent/grandchild relationship. We had such a wonderful time with our grandkids, but the time was short. We always want to make the most of our time together and find ways to connect even when we are half a world away.

I took the points and a few quotes from a great article at: care.com The article is called: 10 Things Grandchildren Can Learn From Their Grandparentsgra

“The relationship between a grandchild and grandparent is a very special one. While grandparents act as an authority figure and provide unconditional love, they also get to spoil their grandkids in a way parents simply can’t. But beyond that, grandparents also wield incredible influence. Here are ten things grandchildren can — should — learn from their grandparents.”

  • History- Learning history from books can be dry and hard to remember. Stories heard from a loving grandparent will be remembered for a lifetime. World events interpreted through a grandparent’s life can change a child’s perspective on the world they live in.
  • A New Skill Set- There just isn’t time to teach many skills in school. Grandparents learned handcrafts, car repair and so much more that they would love to teach their grandkids.
  • Wisdom- Grandparents have life lessons and other advice to share because they’ve often lived through the same or similar experience — possibly more than once. Knowing how grandparents dealt with problems in their lives, and knowing that they got through everything just fine, makes children feel they’ll be okay, too.
  • Family History- Grandparents can give their grandchildren a connection with real people in their family. It helps children feel they belong to a family, even if they can’t see all of these other family members.
  • Humor- Teasing is a part of growing up. When grandkids are teased by a loving grandparent, they can learn how to react when teased by their peers.
  • Listening- Listening to grandparents, helps kids learn to listen carefully to others.
  • Games- Grandparents can teach games that don’t rely on electronic devices. Children can learn the joy of playing with real people. (One of my happiest childhood memories was playing canasta with an old lady in our neighborhood for the privilege of picking as many cherries as I wanted!)
  • Emotional Support- Often children and teens will talk to their grandparents about things they don’t feel free to talk to their parents about. Grandparents can be an impartial source of help.
  • Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff- “Grandparents have lived long enough to realize not to get upset over the little things; life is too short. Young grandchildren think everything is hyper-important, but can learn to adjust their priorities after discussing problems with their grandparents, who have a broader world view.”
  • Mail- Grandparents can be great penpals. Snail mail means children have some souvenirs of their conversations with their grandparents. Email may be more immediate and accessible. However, they do it, mail helps children read and write and learn from people who really love them.
  • I want to add one more. Faith- Grandparents’ strong faith is a wonderful influence on their grandchildren. Go to church together, pray together, and find hope and joy together.

“Grandparents come with years’ worth of wisdom and love to share with their grandkids. Take the time to get to really know and learn from them while they’re here. They’ll cherish the time they get to spend with their grandkids and, in turn, the kids will gain insight and character they can pass onto their own children and grandchildren someday. There’s no better way to pass on family traits than through time spent with one another.”

Read the original article at: www.care.com

If your parents are not able to spend time with your children, adopt grandparents for your children. Perhaps in your church or neighborhood you will find some people to act as grandparents to your children. It is worth the time and effort and will brighten the lives of both your children and their ‘grandparents.’

Filed Under: All Ages Tagged With: grandparent, relationship, support

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