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Take-a-Break!

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The last lesson was about a Gentle Start up to conflicts. Since conversations and conflicts usually end on the same note that they began, how we bring up a problem is very, very important.

Many of us don’t think about how we are going to discuss a problem in our relationship. We would all improve our communication if we would think first. If you didn’t read the last lesson, why not take a few minutes to read, The Gentle Start-up.

When we don’t take the time to plan how to discuss and use a gentle start-up, we often get into a heated argument. Sometimes something just happens and we blow up before we even think. So what can we do when we realize we’ve stepped into a whirlwind of emotions?

Remember we talked about how to help a baby who is overstimulated? First you stop what you were doing with your child and you give them time to self-soothe. Taking a break uses the same principle. Stop the discussion right where it is and each one takes the time to self-soothe.

Taking a break is not the same thing as stonewalling. In stonewalling, we retreat from the conversation by leaving, either physically or emotionally. We quit talking and refuse to connect again in the discussion.

When an argument begins to spin out of control, we feel the physical symptoms of arousal; faster pulse and higher blood pressure. We begin having trouble processing new information and have difficulty listening. This certainly isn’t the atmosphere for solving our dilemma.

One or both of you may begin this process we call ‘flooding.’ You should have a previously agreed on signal that you can use when you need to take a break. It may be the sports signal making a T with your hands for ‘Time Out’, or something else you agree on.

At that point, you both agree to take a break. You set a time when you will begin again. A good length of time is about 20-30 minutes. It takes your body that long to de-escalate from the fight or flight flooding.

What you do with this time is vital to the process.

  • Don’t take the time to rehearse your arguments and try to plan an attack that cannot be refuted. Don’t just nurse your frustration and wallow in your emotions. Take a break!
  • Do whatever it is that is relaxing for you. Take a walk, take a bath, meditate, listen to lovely calming music, take a power nap. Whatever you do, make the goal calming yourself.

Resume the discussion when you are both calmed down.

  • Make it your goal to address the issue, not attack each other.
  • Keep your voices down and avoid harsh words or tone.
  • Try to understand what your spouse is saying.

In the next few lessons we’ll talk more about ways to come to an agreement that benefits your relationship.

 Exercise:

Talk with your spouse about what signal you will use when you need to take a time out from a conflict.

Think about what activities are the most calming to you. Take 20 minutes calming yourself now. Then have a nice chat about something you like about your spouse. See how nice it feels? We can accomplish so much more when we are not flooded and stressed.

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Follow Me!

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You want your kids to be honest, fair, caring, and thoughtful of others. Right?

There’s truth in the old adage: Kids do what you do, not what you say.

Your children learn ethical values and behaviors by watching you. You want to model humility, honesty, fairness, and so on. Yet you know you cannot be perfect all the time. It is so important that they hear you acknowledge your mistakes and weaknesses and see you work hard to correct them. This is a much more powerful example than you lecturing on ethics.

So when you don’t live up to the model you want your kids to copy, use these are opportunities to talk with them about it. You don’t lose face, you gain their respect. They will follow your example.

Conflicts and the Gentle Start-Up

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The next series of lessons relate to conflicts in marriage. All couples have conflicts. The way we handle them will make all the difference in the damage or strength they bring to our marriage.

The goal we should have for our marriage is to decrease the frequency, the intensity, and the duration of conflicts. That means we fight less often. When we argue, we don’t get so angry and hostile. And we settle our disagreements more quickly.

In this series of lessons we will be covering 5 parts of Constructive Problem Solving. They are:

  • Gentle Start-up
  • Take a Break
  • Accepting Influence
  • Solvable and Perpetual Problems
  • Repair and Compromise

We realize that during an argument, you are not going to reach for these lessons to go through these steps. But it is our goal to help you develop attitudes that will help you find good solutions. There will be exercises to help you learn some good techniques for making your arguments less stressful and more conducive of positive change.

So that conflicts do not tear your relationship apart, it is important that you are aware of the most dangerous threats to your marriage. There are four negative communication behaviors that are toxic to a relationship. If any of these are present in your relationship, now is the time to stop them and take positive steps to save your marriage. These behaviors are guaranteed to decrease your marital satisfaction and if they continue are the greatest predictors of divorce. So, what are they?

  • Criticism is judging and blaming the other. It frequently includes “always” or “never” statements and negative labels or name-calling,
  • Defensiveness is self-protective behavior. It often includes counter-attacks, whining, and denying our responsibility.
  • Contempt is taking a superior attitude. It includes sarcasm, mockery, and/or character assassination.
  • Stonewalling is withdrawing from interaction. This is done with silence, turning away, refusing eye contact, or leaving the scene.

When there are some or all of these toxic behaviors along with more negative than positive relationship connections the stage is set for marital breakdown.

We want to avoid this at all cost. You have already invested so much time, energy, and money into your relationship. It is valuable to you. Anything that is valuable is worth taking the time and effort to keep in good repair.

The Gentle Start-Up

At the Gottman Institute they have studied thousands of couples and have sorted them into the Masters and the Disasters. The Masters have learned and practiced healthy relationship skills. They still argue, but they have learned ways to deal with the real issues, explain their needs and desires, and hear their mates so they can come to good, workable compromises. Their first step in an argument is a gentle start-up.

The first 3 minutes of when a problem is raised usually determines how well the conflict will be resolved. Gottman says,  ”Conversations invariably end on the same note that they begin.” So, the gentle start-up has the best chance of finding a good resolution.

In order to have a gentle start-up you must think before exploding. This is much more possible if you deal with disagreements one at a time and have not stockpiled them. Plan a good time to discuss what is bothering you, a time that works well for both of you. Don’t start an argument on an empty stomach or when you’re too tired to think.

The initial statement may be a complaint, but it should not include any blame. It should focus on a specific problem you want to discuss. It may address the other person’s behavior, but not his or her perceived character flaws.

Use statements that start with “I” instead of “you.” When we use “you” statements we put our mate on the defensive. When we use “I” statements we are more likely to voice our need or desire in a way they can hear and respond to. Using “we” statements are even better as they show how we can work together to solve the problem. Be sure to include appreciation and gratitude. This keeps the discussion on a positive track. Remembering ways our spouse has helped or behaved well in the past, is a great way to ask for more.

Be prepared to tell your spouse clearly what you want or don’t want. No one is good at reading minds. If you cannot state what you desire clearly, you are not ready to talk about the issue.

Bathe the whole start-up with kindness. Keep to one issue and use polite words and tone for the best results.

For example: “I miss the little gifts you used to bring me. They made me feel special, even when they didn’t cost much money. Lately, I feel like you don’t remember me when you are away from home.”

Time for Some Practice

Get some practice wording complains without accusation or character assassination. Gentle Start-ups lead to much better resolutions. The Gentle Start-Up Exercise.

 

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Gentle Start-Up Exercise

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Take turns reading one of the Harsh Start-up statements. The other will try to turn the Harsh Start-up into a Gentle Start-up. If you have trouble doing this, then work together to find a way you agree would be a Gentle Start-up if this were a problem in your marriage. Make this a team exercise, not an excuse to criticize or complain.

Harsh Start-ups:

  1. We never do anything fun anymore. You are a workaholic!
  2. You haven’t helped me with chores for weeks. I’m exhausted and you don’t even notice.
  3. You’re so thoughtless. You don’t call me when you’ll be late or ever bring me flowers.
  4. You always talk about yourself. Do you even care about my day?
  5. You aren’t attracted to me anymore! You flirt with everyone else.
  6. We got a collection notice today. You are irresponsible about paying our bills.
  7. You never play with the kids. You’re a lousy parent.
  8. You never say, “No” to the kids. You spoil the kids and I look like the ‘bad guy.”
  9. Go back to the store for the things you didn’t buy!
  10. You’re a slob! Look at this mess.

Need some help in softening these harsh start-ups?

  • Think about ways to remember some success in the past in this trouble area. Affirm and appreciate any past success or progress in this area.
  • Replace “never” and “always” with a statement about the current problem not the past.
  • Think about what the “real” issue is instead of poking at several issues.
  • Eliminate character assassination or name calling.
  • Find ways to use “I” statements instead of “You” statements.

 

You Are Not a Perfect Parent

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Since You Cannot be a Perfect Parent:

  1. Don’t even try to give your kids everything. They won’t be scarred by not having the latest and greatest stuff
  2. Be willing to listen to what teachers and other adults have observed about your child. From their perspective of your child, they may have solutions you cannot see.
  3. Acknowledge when you did it wrong and ask your kid to forgive you. You won’t lose face. You model for them how to admit when they were wrong.
  4. Get involved with your child’s school PTA. Be aware of what is happening in the school. Speak up about issues that affect the children. You will help not just your child, but many others.

You are Not a Perfect Parent, But:

  1. You do know when something is wrong with your child. Get whatever help you need for your child.
  2. You know what you don’t want your children to be exposed to. Set limits that protect them.
  3. You can choose others you want to teach your children things you cannot teach them.
  4. Not rescuing your child from every misstep is actually teaching them essential lessons about integrity, responsibility, and values.

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