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Your Child's Journey

wisdom for the big steps little children take

You are here: Home / Archives for All Ages

Owning Our Own Behavior

October 9, 2019 By Diane Constantine Leave a Comment

I read the previous article about creating a Culture of Accountability. It is excellent, though it will take some work to implement.

The reason this resonated with me is that there is an atmosphere of self-centeredness that is common today. This results from not being responsible for our own behavior.

Perhaps it is because children have not been taught that we are responsible for our own behavior. It is far easier to blame someone or something else for our bad behavior. “He made me do it.” “She called me a bad name, so I. . .”

Hitting, name calling, grabbing things are all symptoms of selfishness. Wanting our own way starts as a little aggression and becomes a habit if we don’t stop it. Nip it in the bud. “No one else makes you behave badly. Instead of . . ., next time choose to . . .”

Create an atmosphere of sharing and helping.

Helping our children learn that we all have a part to play in having a happy home. We can start by asking the question, “What can I do to help?” If we are each trying to help the others in the family, we aren’t focusing on our own will and wants. Even children coming to two years old can be given things to do that will help.

This month, try to involve your children in helping around the house. Make it an enjoyable challenge to finish ‘helping’ before recreation. Bad attitudes and stubbornness result in loss of ‘fun’ time. Don’t get sucked into a power struggle to get the kids to do what they are asked to do. But do let them know the consequences of not co-operating mean loss of whatever recreation they would have had (for a limited time that evening).

This takes some planning and the will to carry it through, but the benefits far outweigh the trouble.

Filed Under: All Ages Tagged With: behavior, helping, sharing

Relationships

September 17, 2019 By Diane Constantine Leave a Comment

This year on home leave, we spent a week with our son and grandchildren, time with my Dad’s family and my siblings, time with friends in our town, time with a former student, and a friend we have not seen since university. Each visit was special and relationship strengthening. So this month I want to emphasize the importance of relationships.

The lives of young families today are busier than ever before. Work, kids, church, chores, and more make it hard to build relationships with others. You barely have time to keep your marriage in tune. But as hard as it is, it is vital that you build relationships with others, too. 

With cellphones and other media, there is a de-personalization of relationships. We can have instant access to people, but we no longer have as much time in their presence, feeling their hugs, tasting their food, and hearing their stories. When was the last time you received a hand written card or letter? 

We need, we All need, to have family ties, friends, and some very important people in our lives. 

You may start with your parents. If you are nearby, you probably already have significant time with them. Hopefully your children are benefitting from time with their grandparents. None of us crawled out from under a rock and made it all on our own. We had family who taught us what was important in life and showed us what it means to be loved. Knowing our parents and grandparents helps anchor us in the real world. Their stories of overcoming hardship encourage us when life doesn’t go as planned. Provide these connections for your children. 

Some of you don’t have parents nearby. If they are still alive, make every effort to visit as often as possible. But should your parents not be able to have a part in your children’s life, find an older person or couple to ‘adopt’ as  your children’s grandparents or aunts and uncles. They can be a wonderfully good reference point for your children’s growing foundations. Your church may be the first place to look for this relationship. 

You should have some other friends in your life to help you stay focused. These friends may be close for a short while or for a season in your family life, or life-long friends. To keep friends, you must spend time together. It is difficult to be confidential with someone you have never shared life with. Sometimes moves have torn you apart, but with these good friends, as soon as you are reunited, you pick up where you left off, hardly missing a beat. Take the time to stay in touch. 

My great treasure from this home leave is time of reconnection with my grandkids, my extended family, close friends and reconnecting with a former student and a university classmate! So precious were these hours together. So uplifting to all of us!

I believe we neglect relationships at our peril.

Filed Under: All Ages Tagged With: family together, relationships

Words, Words, Words

July 4, 2019 By Diane Constantine 1 Comment

As parents of babies and small children, we are very anxious for our baby to talk.  We listen carefully for their first words and hope it is Mama. Then we eagerly try to teach them words to help us know what they want or need.

Your little ones hear many more words than they are able to say. They begin to associate words with things around them and activities that happen. They recognize whether the tone is pleasant or tense or angry. All of this happens long before they can speak well.

I was just reminded about the effect of words spoken to or about us as children. Sometimes the echo of those words reverberate in us even to our old age. Nicknames can cheer or haunt us our whole lives. We must be very careful about the names we call our children. What sounds cute when they are little and is meant as a reminder of their sweet little baby behaviors can be very hard to live with as a teenager.

I know a mom who adopted several children from a foreign country. Thinking she would help her children be strong against the teasing she anticipated when they would go to school, she nicknamed them for their most different traits. She thought that if they got used to it at home, it wouldn’t hurt so bad later. For some of her kids it worked the way she expected. But for a few, it only made them feel more different and ashamed and isolated.

Unless it is a positive comparison that will help your child realize their potential, it is better not to use comparisons. Encourage your children to compete against themselves. By this I mean, saying things like, “Wow, look what you learned to do! Well done!” Comment on things they have done or attitudes they have, not on traits they have no control over, like their body type or intelligence.

One other caution about words. Words children hear in their environment are imprinted on their brains. Those words will pop out at random times. It is not just the words you speak directly to your child that they remember, but all the words being spoken in their presence. Pay attention to the vocabulary on the TV shows you watch or the music you play or your arguments with each other. Minimize their exposure to language you don’t want them to use.

Keep listening for your baby’s new words. Celebrate their achievements. And above all tell your baby how much you love him or her!

Filed Under: All Ages Tagged With: comparisons, nicknames

Team Parenting

June 4, 2019 By Diane Constantine Leave a Comment

I was talking to a young mom this morning. Her situation is different from most of my readers, but she reminded me of something we all have to do to succeed in parenting together.

We must face parenting as a team. If only one parent is making all the decisions and doing all the work of parenting, the children are the ones who suffer in the long run. So for the best parenting results, work together.

The glue that holds our marriage and family together is trust. Trust is based on the commitment we made at our wedding to love and be faithful to our spouse no matter what. But just keeping that commitment by gritting our teeth and meeting our obligations is like a skeleton. Building trust is like the muscles that keep our relationship strong.

Trust is the “WE” in our marriage. We are not doing marriage and parenting by ourselves, but as a team. Instead of looking at how the problems we face affect ‘me’, we look at how they will affect ‘us’.

Teams practice together. We must have time together. We cannot build a friendship without spending time. We cannot know each other if we don’t spend time together. If we don’t know each other, how can we possibly trust that they still have our best interests at heart?

Time together gives us time to keep updating our ‘love maps’ as Gottman calls them. That is all the ways we have learned to reach our spouse’s heart, to build their confidence, to encourage and help them. Asking questions, really listening, and sharing our thoughts and experiences help us to trust each other when we must be apart.

Trust is built by how we speak and when we refrain from speaking. It’s when we say things we know will help and refrain from whining or griping or accusing. We speak well and don’t embarrass or hurt each other when with others.

Trust grows when we see that we can rely on our spouse to handle money well. When we talk about large expenditures and don’t act impulsively or speculate with our resources, trust grows. We live within our means and our budget. This doesn’t mean we cannot be spontaneous or lavish at times, but it does mean that we don’t go into debt without making it a joint decision.

Trust develops as we decide together for our children’s best. Childcare and early education should be a joint decision. One parent may do the research, but talking about it before committing to it, means we take mutual responsibility for the successes or failures. Talking about discipline tactics before-hand builds a team approach that keeps children from playing one parent against the other.

Be sure both parents know each child’s character, behavior, personality, and development. Be sure to share the successes, as well as the failures, in your children’s day. Make knowing your children a team sport.

When you cannot be together with your children because of work or other responsibilities, every day make sure you take at least a few minutes for FaceTime or Skype or phone call. Children will treasure those calls.

When you are together, make sure you play together! Children learn so much during play. Don’t miss out on this joy! Laughing together relieves tension and replaces it with joy. Enjoy being a family!

The most important way we can parent together is to pray together. Pray for each other and the challenges you are facing. Pray for each child and wisdom to know how best to raise this child. Pray for yourself that you will be open to the influence of God and your spouse.

Find ways to Parent Together. Talk together, work together, play together, and grow together. Make it a ‘team’ sport!

Filed Under: All Ages Tagged With: parenting

Screen Time and Safety

April 9, 2019 By Diane Constantine Leave a Comment

I read an article today with frightening statistics about screen time and media use. Since it is so well written I would like you to take the time to open the following link and at a minimum, scan the article. I would be very surprised if there is not at least one part of the article that stands out and screams for your attention.

I realize many of my readers have very young babies and children. Perhaps screen time seems like a concern for the future and not worth thinking about now. But, better to prepare ahead of time, make sound choices as your baby grows and prevent problem than trying to solve them later.

So, please take a few minutes to see: Parents’ Guide to Internet Safety

Filed Under: All Ages Tagged With: internet safety, parenting, screen time

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