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Dads and Moms Play Differently

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This is no news. We all see the difference, but we may not realize the importance of the difference.

A dad looks, smells, sounds and acts differently than a mom. There are beneficial differences between moms and dads to the development of their children.

Dads are much more physically active with their children. They tickle, wrestle and throw theirs kids in the air. Moms use toys and talk to their children.

Dad’s style of play helps a child’s physical development and coordination. He teaches limits, like when enough is enough. They learn that biting and kicking are not acceptable. Dads encourage their kids to try harder and go faster which fosters independence and confidence in their own abilities.

Mom’s play helps her kids develop their language and communication skills. They learn social skills from her. She is usually more calm and quiet in play than dad. Kids have fun, but not the hilarity they may have with dad.

This diversity in approaches gives children a broad, rich experience in relating to others. Together they help their children remain safe while expanding their experiences and increasing their confidence.

Moms usually spend more time and are more involved with their children than dad. But dad’s time and style of play is vital to good development. Gottman says,  “Rough and tumble play used by many dads can predict better self-control abilities in children. High energy, positive play can predict/effect how well a child will be viewed by other kids, and how well they will be accepted by their peers in school. The Gottman group found that the more emotionally involved a father was with his child at the age of four years, the more socially competent his child was at age eight!”

So dads, stay involved with your kids. Start when they are newborn and never stop having your time and playing with your kids.

Moms, make sure you allow dad to play with the kids — in his way. Encourage him to spend time with them. Just turn away if you can’t stand seeing him play rough and tumble. He loves his kids and won’t hurt them. Trust him.

Together make plans for times to play together with your children. Take turns leading the game and enjoy watching the way your kids thrive!

Watch for more articles on how dads help their kids develop well.

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H.A.L.T.

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Your children are spinning out of control. He’s crying and yelling. She’s whining and dragging her feet. The noise level is rising to painful.

It’s time to H.A.L.T. This is an acronym used in recovery programs, but it fits parenting very well. Things are harder when we are Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired.

HALT and take a quick inventory. Is your child Hungry? Do you know why he’s Angry? Is Loneliness the problem? Is she Tired?

You cannot control every situation or always avoid your little one’s discomfort. But this little acronym, HALT, can give you a quick way to spot the problem and diffuse the emotions.

Hunger is probably the easiest one to fix. Start here and make sure everyone’s blood sugar level is up to normal. If not, a snack or meal is the next order of business.

Anger is usually quite easy to recognize. But it may take a little detective work to figure out what is the root of the anger and how to solve it. Giving a positive way to use up some of that steam can be a safety valve to prevent serious damage.

Children may not be able to tell you they are Lonely. They can be lonely even in a crowd, feeling left out or disconnected from you. Give some one-on-one time to ease this.

Tired children and tired adults get cranky. There is a reason that sleep deprivation is used as a torture strategy. As a basic biological need, human functioning quickly declines in the absence of sufficient sleep. Is it nap time? Has it been an exceptionally busy day or hot day? Some extra sleep can make all the difference.

Megan, in TheArtOfSimple.net said, “The best part of applying HALT to our parenting toolbox is knowing what is triggering undesirable behaviors in our children. Armed with that understanding, we are empowered to respond to them from a place of empathy and understanding, rather than from a place of confusion and frustration.”

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Playing Together

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In an earlier article, we talked about Mom and Dad During Pregnancy. We discussed the attitudes and assumptions moms and dads may have about pregnancy, birth, and childrearing. It included an exercise to help couples discuss the pregnancy, their expectations of parenting roles, fears and plans for delivery and bringing baby home.

Co-parenting begins in pregnancy. During pregnancy, the couple should make it a priority to grow their friendship. Make time every day for meaningful talk, learning more about each other, and practice thoughtfulness. This builds a strong foundation to withstand the stressful weeks after baby’s arrival. Those who do best during the early days with baby have a high level of comfort in sharing hopes, fears, and needs.

In my article on Bonding and Brain Chemicals, we see that parents who spend time together and are involved in the preparation, as well as the delivery of their baby, are helped along by their brain chemicals in the bonding process with baby. We are designed so that mom, dad, and baby bond into a caring, nurturing family.

The Gottman Institute studied over 150 parents before and after their first child. Almost two-thirds reported heightened conflict, relationship disappointment, and hurt feelings post-baby. These were the Disasters. What were the Masters doing to make their marriages satisfying while adjusting to parenthood?

The Masters were intentional about their rituals of connection. Last month we talked about establishing rituals in the article: The Positive Point of View. Parenting together is more than just playing together. A good place to start is to develop a morning routine of feeding, playing, and taking care of the baby together. Later every day, spend time unwinding and connecting with each other’s worlds. Make some special plans for a family outing on the weekends. Don’t slip into only doing what is necessary to survive, but find ways to make each other feel special and important to the family. No need to spend a lot of money or use huge amounts of time or energy. These connections just must be important to each member.

How do you play with your baby together?

Mom, dad, and baby need to have time together every day to play. Find a time when baby is awake and comfortable and mom and dad can be fully present.

Both parents should be equally included in the game they are playing with baby. Neither should withdraw from the game and neither should take over or prevent the other from playing. It is meant to be a fun time for all. One parent may start the game, but invites the other parent and makes room in the game for him or her.

Both parents need to be paying equal attention to the game and to baby. Put your phones and work away and turn off the TV. When baby tires of one game, start another. It can be a simple as smiling and making some nonsense sounds. As baby matures, the games can become songs with motions. Whatever you enjoy doing together can be the game.

Babies as young as three months are able to understand the game includes both parents. When the play is not coordinated, parents become competitive and dissatisfied with the game. The baby becomes confused and over stimulated.

Both parents should be equally emotionally involved in the game. Watch baby’s reaction and show a similar emotional reaction to the play. This means if the game fails, both parents are equally empathetic with the baby. If baby gets over-stimulated, both parents stop the play and allow baby to recover. Play is only restarted when baby looks at the parents with interest in play again. If you need a refresher on over-stimulation, see Turning Towards Our Child.

Supporting one another in co-parenting

We need to be supportive of one another. Some days it will be harder to find the time to play together. Some days we just feel grumpy and out of sorts. It is days like this that we need to encourage each other to take the time to play. We’ll all feel better for the effort.

We need to continue to appreciate the efforts each one is putting into the whole parenting role. Be thankful for anything your spouse does to include you and baby together.

Moms and dads make mistakes with baby. They may overstimulate or miss cues for help. We need to allow our mates to make mistakes. Don’t ridicule or scold, instead help them recover. This will be a lifelong process, so it’s good to start early. We all make parenting mistakes. Our children will survive, especially if we are parenting as a team.

Together celebrate the successes with baby. Each tiny step brings so much joy especially when we are experiencing these times together. Even when your spouse wasn’t there when baby did some new, amazing thing, be sure to share and wait for the time it is repeated for your spouse to see too.

As your baby grows to a boy or girl, keep parenting together. Find ways to interact together every day. Make dinner time a time to see into your child’s heart. Don’t use it for correcting or scolding. Include your child in as many of your activities as possible. Tell them how much you love them. You only have a few short years to lay the foundation for their successful life. Don’t waste it.

Time for Some Practice

Plan and set aside some time each day to play with your baby or child together.

One parent begins a game. This can be anything your baby or child likes to do with you. Parents take turns playing with your baby or child while the other looks on. When your baby or child is no longer interested in that activity, the other parent should initiate a different game or activity. With older children, one may read a book and then the other lead the family in singing some favorite songs. But do it all together.

Pay close attention to your baby or child’s reactions. Is he smiling and interested? Has she turned away or begun to push away from the activity? Try to predict how long they are interested. End play while everyone is still smiling and feeling content.

If your baby or child has gotten over stimulated, see if you can identify at what point they lost interest or showed they didn’t like the play. How did you both respond? How did your baby or child self soothe? Were you able to play any more after soothing or did you need to begin the bedtime routine or other activity?

Take a few minutes to talk about the play time. This will help you plan future times to enjoy together as a family.

The next lesson in the Parenting Together section is: Affirm Your Child

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Stop Interrupting

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You are talking to your friend and your child bursts between the two of you talking loudly.

Want to stop this behavior? Try this silent, but effective way to stop this annoyance.

Explain to your child that you want to give them your full attention. But since it is rude to interrupt when others are talking, you are going to use a silent signal. Here’s how it works.

A parent and friend are talking. Child enters the room quietly. He places his hand on his parent’s hand. This means, “I have something I want to say to you.” The parent places their hand over the child’s hand. This means, “I know you want to talk and I will listen to you as soon as I can.” As soon as possible, the parent politely pauses talking to their friend and pays full attention to the child.

This is so gentle and respectful to both adults and child. It will take a little practice. If the child gets impatient or forgets to wait, just gently tap their hand again as a reminder. Remember that consistency is the best way to build a new habit.

The Rituals Exercise

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Rituals Exercise:
This exercise is taken from Gottman’s Blog from December 7, 2013.

Review the list of rituals below. Take a moment to select the ones you each want to talk about – we suggest that you mostly focus on any that are currently relevant and of concern.  Then ask and answer the questions to help you consider the rituals you want for your relationship.

Types of Rituals:

  • Waking up, waking one another up
  • Breakfast
  • Lunch
  • Dinner
  • Snacks
  • Leaving one another
  • Reuniting
  • Handling finances
  • Hosting others in your home
  • Special days (birthdays, anniversaries, etc.)
  • Taking care of one another when sick
  • Renewing your spirit
  • Taking vacations or getaways
  • Traveling
  • Recreation, games, and play
  • Dates or romantic evenings
  • Attending sports events
  • Participating in sports events
  • Watching television
  • Attending movies
  • Attending concerts, plays, and other cultural events
  • Religious festivals and holidays
  • Regular religious services
  • Rituals of transition (funerals, weddings, bar mitzvahs, etc.)
  • Attending another’s performance or sports event
  • Doing hobbies
  • Creating art
  • Running errands
  • Doing household chores
  • Participating in community events or politics
  • Doing charity work
  • Doing schoolwork
  • Soothing other people’s feelings
  • Apologizing or repairing feelings after an argument
  • Arriving at your job
  • Doing your job
  • Leaving your job


Questions to Ask and Answer:

  1. What was this activity like in your family or with your friends when you were growing up?
  2. Did you have rituals surrounding it?
  3. What were those rituals like?
  4. What did you enjoy about them? What did you dislike about them? What would have made them better?
  5. What is this activity like in your life today?
  6. Do you have rituals surrounding it?
  7. What are those rituals like?
  8. How satisfied are you with them?
  9. What does this ritual mean or symbolize for you?
  10. Does this ritual help you feel more connected or less connected to the important people in your life?
  11. Does this ritual foster positive or negative feelings towards others?
  12. What could be done to make this ritual a more positive experience for you? For others?

The goal of this activity is to reconnect – both with yourself and with your partner – and to share comfort and support. Take turns asking and answering questions, using this as an opportunity to learn about each other, uncover hidden dreams, discover shared meaning, and create new rituals celebrating your dreams and values.