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Benefits of Dad’s Involvement

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This month I thought it would be good to share some of the benefits of dad being involved with his children.

In the very early days after birth, dad’s caring for the physical needs of his baby is good for him, for baby, and for mom. He gains confidence in his ability to care for this tiny bundle and gets a good dose of attachment hormones just for holding and touching baby. If dad has been involved during pregnancy, baby already recognizes his voice. Tending to the physical needs helps baby attach to dad. Mom gets some needed assistance, time to rest and heal, and gains trust in dad’s ability to handle baby.

Some dad’s love to carry their baby in a sling. The rhythm of his movements and rumble of his deep voice are soothing to baby. Dad gets to show off his parenting skills and this will pay off in long term interest in his child.

Activities of daily living like: bathing, dressing, feeding and playing with baby, help mom believe family is a priority for dad. It builds baby’s trust that her needs will be met and helps dad know more of what is involved in 24/7/365 care of a baby. As baby begins to know the routines, he or she begins to look forward to dad coming home and play time with dad.

Dad plays differently with his baby and little child than mom does. Dad’s more physical play helps baby develop muscle control, strength, balance, and rhythm. Dad expects his children to try new things and experiment and find solutions. These are all skills that will help in preschool and beyond. Dad also doesn’t allow whining as much, so his children learn better ways to communicate their needs and desires.

Dad telling stories to his children helps them understand emotions, social situations, and tasks. Children want to imitate dad and telling stories is a great way to help them learn what is important to him.

Babies whose dad was highly involved with his children from infancy showed the following benefits:

  • Higher cognitive functioning at six months
  • Better problem solving skills as toddlers
  • Higher IQ scores by age three
  • More resilience in strange situations
  • More likely to be curious and explore their environment
  • Less prone to depression and have fewer negative emotions like fear or guilt
  • Have greater tolerance for stress and frustration
  • Are more playful, resourceful, skillful, and attentive when presented with a problem
  • Have higher educational achievement relative to their parents and are more likely to succeed in their work as adults.

Dads who were highly involved reported they:

  • Are more sensitive with their infants
  • Have greater marital satisfaction
  • Feel more self-confident as parents
  • Find parenthood more satisfying
  • Are more likely to feel happily married then and twenty years after the birth of their first child.

So mom, do all you can to make it possible for dad to have time with his baby and children. Allow him to become proficient in caring for his baby. (Remember he may figure out a better way to do some of the care. There is not just one correct way to do any of it.) If he is reticent to get involved, slowly but surely help him to find enjoyment in caring for his child.

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To see more of the articles on Marriage and Parenting, please go to The Child-Ready Marriage

Romance

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Here we are in February, the month we think about love and romance.

Some of you are just recovering from delivery. Love making may be the last thing on your mind, but you wouldn’t mind having a romantic date. It doesn’t have to be expensive to celebrate your love. In fact, if money is tight, extravagant gifts cause more worry than joy.

Why not take some time to think about a way you and your spouse can reconnect in a romantic way? You may not be able to leave the house, but you can let your mate know how very important they are to you and what joy they bring you.

Parenting babies or toddlers is full of distractions. These can squeeze romance right out of us. Unsettled disagreements cause tensions to rise. Disappointment over what our mate fails to do chills romance. When we have spent the whole day putting out fires it can be hard to spark romance. Many times though, if one of you begins wooing, the other will find there really is a little left to share. If not, make a date. Anticipation is a great aphrodisiac.

Some things to think about that will make romance more possible:

  • Forgive and not hold grudges. Take time to ask forgiveness or to talk about your grievances before you sleep. You’ll both sleep better.
  • Don’t let unrealistic expectations spoil your joy. Talk about your limitations and your expectations. Many are reasonable if we only take time to listen.
  • Keep up your physical appearance. Of course having a baby changes your shape. But we can comb our hair, put on comfortable, but pleasant clothes, and smile.
  • Stay creative in ways to romance your spouse!
  • Start each day with a kiss
  • Be polite
  • Give back rubs
  • Do what they want before they ask
  • Hold hands more often
  • Cuddle
  • Watch sunsets together
  • Say “I love you” frequently
  • Wink at them

Don’t bring the Facebook world into your relationship. Make your celebration yours and yours alone. You may think that having hundreds of friends ‘like’ your romantic post will thrill your spouse. But personal, caring, thoughtful words from you will go straight to their heart.

If you have the time, money, and way to do something bigger, by all means enjoy yourselves without guilt. But if you don’t, enjoy what you can have and let each other know how much you love them.

Here’s to creating a memory and starting a ritual of connection that you’ll never forget.

Have You Played Today?

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There used to be a bumper sticker that said, “Have you hugged your kid today?

Maybe today we need one that says, “Have you played with your kid today?” I’m using the idea of play in a very general way. This play is not just a game with rules or a sport. But something both parent and child can especially enjoy together.

Have the only things you’ve said and done with your children all been about tasks and completion? Here are a few things to think about.

  • Have you taken the time to tell or hear a silly story?
  • Have you plopped down on the floor and wrestled with your children?
  • Have you hugged your little child and started to dance across the floor?
  • Have you made a game of a chore instead of just telling Little One to ‘get it done’?
  • Have you worked a puzzle or drawn a picture together?

I think you get the idea. All these things take a little time. We must relax a little and not be compulsive about the completion of a task. They all mean some smiles or laughs by both parent and child. In other words, “Have Fun!”

Don’t let a day go by where the only things you talk to your child about are tasks and time and duty. Take a deep breath. Lay down your phone or paper and focus on your child. Start singing a silly song. You might find there is a better atmosphere in your home for the whole evening.

Toys, Toys, Toys

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Do your kids ever say they are bored when their room is littered with toys? Maybe they have too many toys. It is not just the gifts you give your kids, but your extended family may give them way too many. Children get overwhelmed if there are too many toys to choose to play with. They also learn to be more grateful for the toys they have when they don’t see so many at one time.

Here are a few ideas to help with this ‘good’ problem:

  • Keep some of their gifts in reserve for another season when your children get fewer new things.
  • Sort their toys. Whichever ones they have out-grown, sell or give away. Children may even get involved in giving good, used toys to a children’s home. (Not all kids can tolerate seeing old favorites go out the door. Be sensitive to their feelings.)
  • Rotate their toys. Put some of their toys out of sight to rotate with the toys they are currently enjoying. When a toy reappears it is even more enjoyable.

Gift Giving

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Are you going into debt to give gifts? How long will the things you buy satisfy and please your children? What are your children learning through these gifts?

Consider these ideas about gift giving:

  • Don’t go into debt for gifts. They are much more fun to give when you don’t have to face credit card bills in the New Year.
  • Involve your children in buying gifts for each other and family members.
  • Include your children in sharing Christmas joy with those less fortunate.
  • Invite those who have no family of their own to share your holiday celebrations.
  • Make a memory instead of buying things. (Take your kids to some event or place and spend time together doing something they won’t forget.)

My most memorable childhood Christmases were when we brought an orphan girl to share a few days with us during the holiday season. We each made gifts for her as we did for each other. Other years we helped mom shop for food baskets to take to poor families who lived near-by. We often went as a family to visit older family members and took them homemade cookies or other treats we helped to make.