Your Child's Journey

wisdom for the big steps little children take

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“Listen, Mom, Dad! Listen!’

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Our goal to know our children doesn’t seem like an impossible goal. But then, we can realize that a whole week has gone by and we haven’t said anything to our children except the necessities. That isn’t the worst part, we have let a whole week go by without hearing anything but one word answers to our questions along with a nod, shrug, or blank-eyed stare.

There is a simple way to make sure we are hearing what our children are thinking about. It begins with a plan and then the commitment to keep to the plan. Set aside 10 minutes a day to listen to each child.

Children each have their “best” time of the day to talk. For many children it is right after they arrive home from preschool, kindy, or school. They have lots of stories about their day that they want to share with someone who will listen. If this is your child, plan and commit yourself to taking the first 10 minutes after arriving home (and before chores) to sit, cuddle, and listen to your child. They may bubble over with information or they may soak up your presence for a while before talking. Either way, ask an open-ended question that cannot be answered with “yes”, “no”, a nod, a shrug, or a simple fact. They have to think a little or remember something or express how an event made them feel. Follow-up questions may ask about how they reacted, what were other ways they could have responded, or what they want to do about it.

After 10 minutes, they may follow you into the kitchen and talk more while you prepare dinner. Keep your heart open and be ready to be a support and encourage your child.

For some children, it is during the bedtime routine that they want to open up. If this is your child’s best time, then plan your 10 minutes of listening as part of the bedtime routine. As they get into their teen years, bedtime or later will probably become their favorite time to talk.

Another time may be in the car. Some children really like to talk when you are not looking directly at them. They may find it is easier to talk when your eyes are on the road. This is fine. Find the way your own child can most easily express themselves.

Now, the trick is not to use this time to correct them or tell them your own story or intimidate them. If they feel like they will only open themselves up for scolding or a lecture, they will soon find ways to avoid the 10 minutes with you.

At some other time in the next day or so, you may say that you have been thinking about what they talked about. Then you might be able to tell your story or share some other ideas about ways to handle similar situations. Don’t make this part of the 10 listening, though.

Soak up these precious moments with your child. Remember what they talked about. Think about how they are experiencing their world. They will love your attention and it will be one of their sweetest memories of childhood.

Happy Listening!

Introducing The Couple and Baby Class

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This has been an exciting and busy month for me. The Couple and Baby Class is up and ready. This is my newest venture. If you have been receiving the First Steps or Next Steps bulletins for any time, you have seen my passion to help young couples build strong marriages and be great parents.

The Couple and Baby class is designed for husband and wife to take together sometime after confirming pregnancy and before the baby is six months old. (Of course, it can be taken at other times, but this is the optimum time.)

Since marriage is about husband and wife, and pregnancy takes both participating, parenting will also work best with both involved. The Couple and Baby Class will help both Dad and Mom to live well with each other through the ups and downs of pregnancy, make the most of delivery and immediate post-natal time, and raise a baby through childhood.

The class is free of charge. This is not a money making scheme for me. It is valuable information and will make a great difference in the lives of those who take the class. I want as many couples as possible to take this class. It will help them build their marriage to withstand the stresses of parenting through pregnancy, newborn, and childhood. Couples will learn how they can have a strong, happy, good marriage for life. Because they are stronger and have the tools to deal with conflicts, their children will be more secure and have the benefits of growing up in a healthy family.

The class is on-going. That means couples may begin at any time. The class may be completed quickly or paced out over a few months. It is meant to fit into your life-style and schedule. Each of the ten classes is designed to take about an hour to complete.

Even if you have gone through more or less of the baby to preschool years, you may benefit from some of the lessons and you could contribute comments or help with discussions that come up from younger parents.

If you have friends, colleagues, or family members that you think would benefit from joining the class, please recommend they join the class. You may pass on this link: The Couple and Baby Class

Let’s Begin: Lesson 1

I welcome any comments or questions you may have about this new venture. You may write to me by replying to this email or at: Diane

Are You Tired?

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Mother’s Day is coming. Moms, this is for you!

The Scripture that comes to mind is from Matt. 11:28-30. “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Is there any mom of a baby or small children who is not tired and burdened? I haven’t met her! So, if you are tired and burdened, there is good news for you.

God knows what you are dealing with right now. He knows your baby cries at all hours of the day and night. He knows you get frustrated with the constant demands. He knows that you worry about whether you are doing the right things for your baby.

You are not alone! You are part of a world-wide community of women going through the same things. Oh, true enough, you have different realities. For some, the worry about clean water and enough food add to their stresses. For some, the expectations of the extended family make motherhood a puzzle to work out. Others are left on their own to ‘figure out’ how to parent too soon after baby’s birth.

But, Jesus tells us the secret to finding rest is in your relationship with Him. When you are on talking-terms with the Lord, He can give you calm, even when there seems to be a storm around you. His Spirit will alert you when there is something you should do for your baby and also alert you to information that will make your job easier.

When your soul is at peace, everything else seems easier. So take the time to meditate on Scriptures, listen to worship songs and sing along, pray about everything. Does that sound hard? Every time you sit down to feed your baby, pray for you, your husband, your baby. When you are awake at night for a feeding or nappy change, think about a Bible passage that you are learning. Keep Christian music in the background and the Spirit will alert you to words you need to hear.

Of course, you won’t be able to do all the church activities that you did before baby. You may not be able to have the long stretches of in-depth Bible studies. God knows that. He doesn’t judge you. Don’t beat yourself up. A tender heart, open to His promptings, is all He desires from you right now. The time will come again when you can be more involved in these activities, maybe even leading studies or teaching Sunday School. But don’t feel that you are a second class Christian because you have to take some time off these activities.

I remember so well, my frustrations with my first baby. We were pastoring in a small church full of young families. As soon as the meeting started, my baby always cried first. I would have to take him out to another room. Almost immediately, another mom or two would bring their small children to me and say, “Since you’re here, can I leave mine here too?” What was I to say? “No, you can feed or change or play with mine while I go back into the meeting.” But about the time when I wanted to stay home because I ended up in the baby room all the time, something wonderful would happen. Sure enough, mine was the first to start crying. But there was one married woman who had never been able to conceive. She would come over, reach for my son, take him in her arms and walk and rock him to sleep. For one whole service, I could do nothing but soak in the love of God and praise Him. God knew how to give rest to my soul.

Your situation will be different, but I know God has everything at his disposal to give you the rest you need when you turn to Him.

Just one other note: Don’t be afraid to ask for help. There are those people around you who would help if they knew what you need.

Be blessed, Mom! These baby and small child years will pass quicker than you think. Find rest so that you can savor these days and weeks and months with your little one.

 

How Can We Connect?

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I have been reminded this month of the importance of connecting with your children. Modern living fills our ears and eyes with so much information and uses up our energy getting from one place to another. Children who do not have time to spend with their parents miss out on the wisdom and values that are caught better than taught. Others can take care of our children, but they will imprint them with their own values and behavior.  So, the big question is, “How can we connect?”

Consider your work situation

Here are some things to think about.

  • How important is it that both parents work outside the home? Could you manage on only one income or is it possible for one parent to work from home? It may mean quite a severe cut of income, but could this be made up in savings from cooking more at home and having the leisure to shop for bargains?
  • If both must work outside the home, is it possible for one to work nearby so that they could eat lunch with the child or be able to cut the number of hours that a caregiver must be hired?
  • If both must work outside the home, it is vital that the caregiver is well chosen. That person or persons must have similar values and philosophy of parenting as you. They must have the strength and energy to care well for a very mobile youngster. The place where they care for your child must be safe and clean.

Ideas for Connecting

With the care-giving in place, here are some suggestions for ways to connect with your child.

  • Spend as much time with your child as possible. This does not mean time with your child AND your hand phone or computer. This means time you are playing with your child, or cuddling, or reading, or listening. (Quality does NOT make up for quantity. Both quantity and quality time are important!)
  • Let them share as much of your life as possible. Take them with you when you run errands. Find ways they can play in the same room where you are doing chores. Teach them how to help you with chores so you can work side-by-side as soon as possible. (Begin before the age of 2. This is when they still think it is FUN to help you.)
  • Read with your child every day. If you want your child to do well in school, begin with pre-reading skills by reading books together. Have them turn the pages and point to things you mention on the page. Ask them questions about what you read. Make noises and actions to explain anything they don’t understand from the story. Their vocabulary will grow along with their love of reading because this is connected with time and cuddling with you.
  • Each parent should take care of the children to allow the other to have some “Me Time.” It doesn’t need to be a long time, but should be often enough and for long enough to do something that is rejuvenating.
  • Plan enough time in the morning and again in the evening to make getting dressed fun time with you (both parents if at all possible) and your child. Don’t make it a chore you have to endure and get finished.
  • Find time every week what the whole family can do something together that everyone can enjoy. These activities change as baby becomes toddler and then preschooler. Also, the addition of another child changes the mix. But “Family Fun” is important for everyone. Don’t miss it!

There are so many other good ways to connect with your child! Please share your ideas by email Diane. I will compile your ideas and share them in a future post.

Benefits of Dad’s Involvement

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This month I thought it would be good to share some of the benefits of dad being involved with his children.

In the very early days after birth, dad’s caring for the physical needs of his baby is good for him, for baby, and for mom. He gains confidence in his ability to care for this tiny bundle and gets a good dose of attachment hormones just for holding and touching baby. If dad has been involved during pregnancy, baby already recognizes his voice. Tending to the physical needs helps baby attach to dad. Mom gets some needed assistance, time to rest and heal, and gains trust in dad’s ability to handle baby.

Some dad’s love to carry their baby in a sling. The rhythm of his movements and rumble of his deep voice are soothing to baby. Dad gets to show off his parenting skills and this will pay off in long term interest in his child.

Activities of daily living like: bathing, dressing, feeding and playing with baby, help mom believe family is a priority for dad. It builds baby’s trust that her needs will be met and helps dad know more of what is involved in 24/7/365 care of a baby. As baby begins to know the routines, he or she begins to look forward to dad coming home and play time with dad.

Dad plays differently with his baby and little child than mom does. Dad’s more physical play helps baby develop muscle control, strength, balance, and rhythm. Dad expects his children to try new things and experiment and find solutions. These are all skills that will help in preschool and beyond. Dad also doesn’t allow whining as much, so his children learn better ways to communicate their needs and desires.

Dad telling stories to his children helps them understand emotions, social situations, and tasks. Children want to imitate dad and telling stories is a great way to help them learn what is important to him.

Babies whose dad was highly involved with his children from infancy showed the following benefits:

  • Higher cognitive functioning at six months
  • Better problem solving skills as toddlers
  • Higher IQ scores by age three
  • More resilience in strange situations
  • More likely to be curious and explore their environment
  • Less prone to depression and have fewer negative emotions like fear or guilt
  • Have greater tolerance for stress and frustration
  • Are more playful, resourceful, skillful, and attentive when presented with a problem
  • Have higher educational achievement relative to their parents and are more likely to succeed in their work as adults.

Dads who were highly involved reported they:

  • Are more sensitive with their infants
  • Have greater marital satisfaction
  • Feel more self-confident as parents
  • Find parenthood more satisfying
  • Are more likely to feel happily married then and twenty years after the birth of their first child.

So mom, do all you can to make it possible for dad to have time with his baby and children. Allow him to become proficient in caring for his baby. (Remember he may figure out a better way to do some of the care. There is not just one correct way to do any of it.) If he is reticent to get involved, slowly but surely help him to find enjoyment in caring for his child.

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To see more of the articles on Marriage and Parenting, please go to The Child-Ready Marriage