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Time Alone

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When was the last time you had time alone with your spouse? For some of my readers, you conscientiously carve out some time every day alone with your spouse. But honestly, if you do, you’re a rare breed! Most couples in the Klang Valley and in any urban area, find it very difficult to have any time alone with their spouse.

First you are both working outside your home. That means being away from each other during the work day plus the commute to and from work. Since you are not home, most of you have to collect your children from a child minder. Then everyone arrives home tired and hungry. By the time everyone is fed, there is precious little time to spend with the children before they should be in bed. Depending on how you get your children to sleep, that may mean one or the other of you is lying down and there isn’t any more time to spend together.

If you try to keep this up, day in and day out, you will very quickly find your marriage is unsatisfying. Parenting is for the long haul. If you don’t take care of your relationship now, while your children are little, you won’t have a relationship when your children are ready to leave home.

You must find a way to spend at least 20 minutes a day to share with your spouse something from your day. (Don’t use it to try to solve any issues! Just share your life.) Hold hands or cuddle while you talk. Stay focused on each other. This can be a lifeline for your relationship.

Once you have been able to get into this pattern, find a way to have a “date” at least once a month. This does not mean an expensive night out, but it does mean away from the children and other responsibilities.

You will have to have someone else watch your children for you. Perhaps you can swap date nights with another couple who have children too. Sometimes there is an older single friend who would love to have time with a baby or small children in exchange for a home cooked meal with your family at another time.  Grandparents often are craving some time with the grand-kids and would be happy to watch them for a couple hours for you to have a date. You may have to be creative, but it is worth the effort!

I would really like your feedback. How do you manage time alone with your spouse? What works and what doesn’t work?

New Year Goals

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It is January 1, 2019. The old year is finished, whether well or poorly. The new year is a new opportunity for you and your spouse and your children. I got this article by email and wanted to share this good advice with all the couples who receive these emails.

Are your goals for 2019 as useless as a to-do list on your hand?

The following article is from The Gottman Institute. I hope you will take a few minutes to see how you and your family can build a stronger, better, and happier family in 2019.

“Unfortunately, New Year’s Resolutions are almost synonymous with poor follow through—about 80% of resolutions fail by the time mid-February comes along.

For couples, setting goals to improve their relationship may not be the first thing that comes to mind at the turn of the calendar year. But being intentional about improving communication, trust, and satisfaction can yield significant positive change. This is true for couples in both healthy and unhealthy relationships.

The challenge, then, is to understand why relationship-related New Year’s Resolutions (and goals in general) so often fail.

Consider these common reasons

  • Goals are not in line with individual values. If the goal doesn’t enhance each person’s sense of self and authenticity, then it won’t enhance the relationship, either.
  • Goals are too big. It’s easy to give up on goals if they’re large and intimidating. By chunking them down into small actionable steps, it’s easier to stay consistent with them.
  • Goals are not measurable. It’s fine to say, “We want to communicate better.” But if the goal is left there, how will the couple truly know whether and when it’s been achieved?
  • Goals need to be specific and created in a way so it can be intuitively measured or identified.
  • Goals only focus on the short-term. Couples should regularly evaluate their six month, one year, five year, and 10+ year visions—as a couple and individuals. This helps bridge the gap between short-term and long-term success.

The following suggestions can be used to jump-start your goal-setting session for the new year. These goals reflect specific and measurable actions which can truly enhance communication, trust, and overall relationship satisfaction.

Stay screen-free during meals

This means no phone, no social media, and no television, whether eating at home or while dining out. Why is this so important? Research shows that “phubbing,” which is “the act of snubbing someone in a social setting by looking at your phone instead of paying attention,” leads to lower levels of relationship satisfaction. Be present.

Schedule a weekly date

It’s easy to let a busy schedule take over your life. Couples who make time for quality time with each other create wonderful opportunities to bond. Plan for major holidays (Valentine’s Day, Mother’s/Father’s Day, etc.) as well as new and novel activities (trips to a museum, new restaurants, sporting events, day hikes, etc.).

Plan a vacation

Research shows that planning a vacation brings as much joy (if not more) than the actual vacation itself. And preparing for a trip requires cooperation, saving, and creativity.

Volunteer together

Working together to serve others is a powerful bonding exercise—and sets a good example for children, as well.

Read books together

These can be books specific to relationship-building (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman is a fantastic choice) or any other genre that both people will enjoy.

For a relationship to thrive, partners need to be committed to strengthening the shared bond. To this end, setting relationship-based goals can be extremely effective.

In addition to setting goals together, couples should employ strategies to help hold each other accountable. Examples include weekly scheduled check-ins, scheduling events directly on calendars, or even fun little incentives, such as a meal out or gifts to each other.

Not only will this foster a loving and meaningful relationship, but it will also enhance the well-being of both people involved.”

How Can We Connect?

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I have been reminded this month of the importance of connecting with your children. Modern living fills our ears and eyes with so much information and uses up our energy getting from one place to another. Children who do not have time to spend with their parents miss out on the wisdom and values that are caught better than taught. Others can take care of our children, but they will imprint them with their own values and behavior.  So, the big question is, “How can we connect?”

Consider your work situation

Here are some things to think about.

  • How important is it that both parents work outside the home? Could you manage on only one income or is it possible for one parent to work from home? It may mean quite a severe cut of income, but could this be made up in savings from cooking more at home and having the leisure to shop for bargains?
  • If both must work outside the home, is it possible for one to work nearby so that they could eat lunch with the child or be able to cut the number of hours that a caregiver must be hired?
  • If both must work outside the home, it is vital that the caregiver is well chosen. That person or persons must have similar values and philosophy of parenting as you. They must have the strength and energy to care well for a very mobile youngster. The place where they care for your child must be safe and clean.

Ideas for Connecting

With the care-giving in place, here are some suggestions for ways to connect with your child.

  • Spend as much time with your child as possible. This does not mean time with your child AND your hand phone or computer. This means time you are playing with your child, or cuddling, or reading, or listening. (Quality does NOT make up for quantity. Both quantity and quality time are important!)
  • Let them share as much of your life as possible. Take them with you when you run errands. Find ways they can play in the same room where you are doing chores. Teach them how to help you with chores so you can work side-by-side as soon as possible. (Begin before the age of 2. This is when they still think it is FUN to help you.)
  • Read with your child every day. If you want your child to do well in school, begin with pre-reading skills by reading books together. Have them turn the pages and point to things you mention on the page. Ask them questions about what you read. Make noises and actions to explain anything they don’t understand from the story. Their vocabulary will grow along with their love of reading because this is connected with time and cuddling with you.
  • Each parent should take care of the children to allow the other to have some “Me Time.” It doesn’t need to be a long time, but should be often enough and for long enough to do something that is rejuvenating.
  • Plan enough time in the morning and again in the evening to make getting dressed fun time with you (both parents if at all possible) and your child. Don’t make it a chore you have to endure and get finished.
  • Find time every week what the whole family can do something together that everyone can enjoy. These activities change as baby becomes toddler and then preschooler. Also, the addition of another child changes the mix. But “Family Fun” is important for everyone. Don’t miss it!

There are so many other good ways to connect with your child! Please share your ideas by email Diane. I will compile your ideas and share them in a future post.

Benefits of Dad’s Involvement

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This month I thought it would be good to share some of the benefits of dad being involved with his children.

In the very early days after birth, dad’s caring for the physical needs of his baby is good for him, for baby, and for mom. He gains confidence in his ability to care for this tiny bundle and gets a good dose of attachment hormones just for holding and touching baby. If dad has been involved during pregnancy, baby already recognizes his voice. Tending to the physical needs helps baby attach to dad. Mom gets some needed assistance, time to rest and heal, and gains trust in dad’s ability to handle baby.

Some dad’s love to carry their baby in a sling. The rhythm of his movements and rumble of his deep voice are soothing to baby. Dad gets to show off his parenting skills and this will pay off in long term interest in his child.

Activities of daily living like: bathing, dressing, feeding and playing with baby, help mom believe family is a priority for dad. It builds baby’s trust that her needs will be met and helps dad know more of what is involved in 24/7/365 care of a baby. As baby begins to know the routines, he or she begins to look forward to dad coming home and play time with dad.

Dad plays differently with his baby and little child than mom does. Dad’s more physical play helps baby develop muscle control, strength, balance, and rhythm. Dad expects his children to try new things and experiment and find solutions. These are all skills that will help in preschool and beyond. Dad also doesn’t allow whining as much, so his children learn better ways to communicate their needs and desires.

Dad telling stories to his children helps them understand emotions, social situations, and tasks. Children want to imitate dad and telling stories is a great way to help them learn what is important to him.

Babies whose dad was highly involved with his children from infancy showed the following benefits:

  • Higher cognitive functioning at six months
  • Better problem solving skills as toddlers
  • Higher IQ scores by age three
  • More resilience in strange situations
  • More likely to be curious and explore their environment
  • Less prone to depression and have fewer negative emotions like fear or guilt
  • Have greater tolerance for stress and frustration
  • Are more playful, resourceful, skillful, and attentive when presented with a problem
  • Have higher educational achievement relative to their parents and are more likely to succeed in their work as adults.

Dads who were highly involved reported they:

  • Are more sensitive with their infants
  • Have greater marital satisfaction
  • Feel more self-confident as parents
  • Find parenthood more satisfying
  • Are more likely to feel happily married then and twenty years after the birth of their first child.

So mom, do all you can to make it possible for dad to have time with his baby and children. Allow him to become proficient in caring for his baby. (Remember he may figure out a better way to do some of the care. There is not just one correct way to do any of it.) If he is reticent to get involved, slowly but surely help him to find enjoyment in caring for his child.

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To see more of the articles on Marriage and Parenting, please go to The Child-Ready Marriage

Dads and Their Daughters

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Dad and Daughter pictureMy dad was my hero, my confidante, and my model of what a man should be and how he should treat women. Of course I appreciated my mom. But one of the best things she did for me was allow me to have a really good relationship with my dad. She wasn’t jealous of the time and attention he gave me and my sisters. She didn’t interfere and she never criticized him to us.

So what did my dad do that was so special?

He was hands on. Oh, he left most of the bathing and dressing of his daughters to our mom. But we knew we could crawl up in his lap for a snuggle whenever he was not working. He scratched our backs and we scratched his, for coin change. While we were little enough, he’d pick us up and toss us in the air. These flying lessons tickled our tummies and always won him a big sloppy girl kiss. He taught us to ride bikes.

He paid attention to us. He never left for work or returned home without a hug and kiss for each of us. He listened to our long tales and our dreams. He knew what made us each tick. He took lots of home movies and had movie night every so often so we wouldn’t forget special times we had together.

He was a gentleman. He treated us with respect, hugged and kissed us appropriately, and never talked dirty or cursed. I knew from very young, how a man should treat a woman and never had trouble discerning the wrong intentions of boys and young men.

That sounds like he spent all his time at home. He didn’t. He worked long hours as a commercial, retouch artist. He worked downtown, so he had a daily commute. So that he could work overtime without being away from home so many hours, he set up a ‘studio’ in his bedroom with all he needed to do his job. There were very specific rules about being in that room while he worked, so we didn’t spoil many hours of tedious work with carelessness. But, he loved for me sit on his bed and talk to him about anything and everything. He’d listen carefully, though his eyes never left his drawing board. Sometimes I’d think he hadn’t heard me because he hadn’t said anything for a long time, then he’d surprise me with a question or comment that let me know he not only listened, but was ready to help me with my little problems.

He encouraged me to not be timid but to try new things. He encouraged me whenever he saw me being tender and thoughtful of others. He encouraged me to ask for forgiveness when I did wrong and to forgive others quickly.

One of my favorite memories with my dad was our twice a year lunch and shopping trip. Once I was old enough to take the bus into town, I’d meet dad for lunch near his office. He would treat me to a grown-up meal with him at a nice restaurant. Then he’d escort me to one of the big department stores for me to spend the afternoon shopping with my spending money. We’d meet at the bus stop for the ride back home together. My dad was my first date!

So, dads, what can you do to raise your daughters well?

  • Spend time with them. You cannot really know them, if you don’t spend time with them.
  • Give them your attention and approval. Knowing that you noticed and that you approve, is great motivation to keep doing well.
  • Show them appropriate affection and touch. They will know a fraud instinctively then.
  • Listen to them early and often so that they will listen to you when it really matters.
  • Build her self-esteem with honest praise for her character and her hard work and her concern for others.

I liked this quote from Dr. Meg Meeker in Lifeway Men. “Don’t think you can’t fight her “peers” or the power of pop culture. Exactly the opposite is true. Yes, the four Ms—MTV, music, movies, and magazines—are enormous influences that shape what girls think about themselves, what clothes they wear, and even the grades they get. But their influence doesn’t come close to the influence of a father. A lot of research has been done on this—and fathers always come out on top. The effects of loving, caring fathers on their daughters’ lives can be measured in girls of all ages.”

Even if you are not the biological father of the girls you are raising, your influence is great on their development and character.

There are many articles on the internet about Dads and their daughters, but I like these three the best.

Another article on Your Child’s Journey about Dads: