Your Child's Journey

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Stop Interrupting

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You are talking to your friend and your child bursts between the two of you talking loudly.

Want to stop this behavior? Try this silent, but effective way to stop this annoyance.

Explain to your child that you want to give them your full attention. But since it is rude to interrupt when others are talking, you are going to use a silent signal. Here’s how it works.

A parent and friend are talking. Child enters the room quietly. He places his hand on his parent’s hand. This means, “I have something I want to say to you.” The parent places their hand over the child’s hand. This means, “I know you want to talk and I will listen to you as soon as I can.” As soon as possible, the parent politely pauses talking to their friend and pays full attention to the child.

This is so gentle and respectful to both adults and child. It will take a little practice. If the child gets impatient or forgets to wait, just gently tap their hand again as a reminder. Remember that consistency is the best way to build a new habit.

Team Parenting

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I was talking to a young mom this morning. Her situation is different from most of my readers, but she reminded me of something we all have to do to succeed in parenting together.

We must face parenting as a team. If only one parent is making all the decisions and doing all the work of parenting, the children are the ones who suffer in the long run. So for the best parenting results, work together.

The glue that holds our marriage and family together is trust. Trust is based on the commitment we made at our wedding to love and be faithful to our spouse no matter what. But just keeping that commitment by gritting our teeth and meeting our obligations is like a skeleton. Building trust is like the muscles that keep our relationship strong.

Trust is the “WE” in our marriage. We are not doing marriage and parenting by ourselves, but as a team. Instead of looking at how the problems we face affect ‘me’, we look at how they will affect ‘us’.

Teams practice together. We must have time together. We cannot build a friendship without spending time. We cannot know each other if we don’t spend time together. If we don’t know each other, how can we possibly trust that they still have our best interests at heart?

Time together gives us time to keep updating our ‘love maps’ as Gottman calls them. That is all the ways we have learned to reach our spouse’s heart, to build their confidence, to encourage and help them. Asking questions, really listening, and sharing our thoughts and experiences help us to trust each other when we must be apart.

Trust is built by how we speak and when we refrain from speaking. It’s when we say things we know will help and refrain from whining or griping or accusing. We speak well and don’t embarrass or hurt each other when with others.

Trust grows when we see that we can rely on our spouse to handle money well. When we talk about large expenditures and don’t act impulsively or speculate with our resources, trust grows. We live within our means and our budget. This doesn’t mean we cannot be spontaneous or lavish at times, but it does mean that we don’t go into debt without making it a joint decision.

Trust develops as we decide together for our children’s best. Childcare and early education should be a joint decision. One parent may do the research, but talking about it before committing to it, means we take mutual responsibility for the successes or failures. Talking about discipline tactics before-hand builds a team approach that keeps children from playing one parent against the other.

Be sure both parents know each child’s character, behavior, personality, and development. Be sure to share the successes, as well as the failures, in your children’s day. Make knowing your children a team sport.

When you cannot be together with your children because of work or other responsibilities, every day make sure you take at least a few minutes for FaceTime or Skype or phone call. Children will treasure those calls.

When you are together, make sure you play together! Children learn so much during play. Don’t miss out on this joy! Laughing together relieves tension and replaces it with joy. Enjoy being a family!

The most important way we can parent together is to pray together. Pray for each other and the challenges you are facing. Pray for each child and wisdom to know how best to raise this child. Pray for yourself that you will be open to the influence of God and your spouse.

Find ways to Parent Together. Talk together, work together, play together, and grow together. Make it a ‘team’ sport!

Screen Time and Safety

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I read an article today with frightening statistics about screen time and media use. Since it is so well written I would like you to take the time to open the following link and at a minimum, scan the article. I would be very surprised if there is not at least one part of the article that stands out and screams for your attention.

I realize many of my readers have very young babies and children. Perhaps screen time seems like a concern for the future and not worth thinking about now. But, better to prepare ahead of time, make sound choices as your baby grows and prevent problem than trying to solve them later.

So, please take a few minutes to see: Parents’ Guide to Internet Safety

Discipline Rules

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This month I’d like to share insights from an article in PopSugar.com by Sarah Muoio. To see the full article click: Rules for Discipline

Sarah wrote a great article about the rules she and her husband agreed on about discipline even before their son was born. These rules were not for their son, but for them as parents!

There are so many things to consider concerning disciplining our children. First and foremost is the fact that each parent comes from a different experience of discipline. Add to that all that the experts say, what your friends say, and any special circumstances in your family.

Sarah and her husband took time before their son was born to discuss in detail their views on discipline. They set their goals for their son, like the values, morals, and attitudes they wanted him to have, and how they wanted him to experience life.

In order to avoid conflicts between themselves when they needed to discipline their son, they established some ‘rules’ for themselves. These didn’t always apply and sometimes needed to be bent a bit, but these rules helped them effectively discipline their son.

So, what were their rules?

  • Listen! Even when someone is wrong, listen to what they have to say. There’s always three sides to a story.
  • Set a good example. You need to practice what you preach.
  • Be clear with rules and expectations. Leave nothing for interpretation.
  • Be flexible. There are some issues that don’t fit the mold. They deserve fair judgment.
  • Praise good behaviors, don’t just scorn bad ones.
  • Be consistent.
  • Empathize. Never discredit feelings. Kids should be entitled to embrace and express their feelings. Let them know that you understand them.
  • Keep a sense of humor.
  • Provide insight on how they can change behaviors. Make it clear that mistakes are normal. We ALL make them. Stress the fact that trying hard not to repeat mistakes is what matters.
  • Always end with “I love you.” Let it be known that it’s the behavior you don’t like, not the person. No matter how many mistakes they make, it doesn’t change the fact that they are so loved.

The rule above all others is, never let their son see that they disagree about discipline. They create a unified front so he can never play one parent against the other. If they don’t agree, they still back up the one disciplining and only discuss it in private later. Sarah says, “But as far as our son knows, there’s nothing to discuss. It’s two against one when one of us sets a rule.”

For those of you who have been reading First Steps or Next Steps, and the cover letters, much of this will look familiar. It is good, though, to hear it from another source, especially from a parent that is still in the trenches.

No matter how young or old your children are, it is always a good time to review your goals, plans, and methods to discipline your children. Be sure to take into account the effect other care givers are having on your child’s development.

The Couple and Baby Class

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Do you want to childproof your marriage? You are invited to The Couple and Baby Class! Whether you are pregnant or you have a baby already, you and your spouse would benefit by taking this class.

Couple and Baby is an free online course for you and your spouse to take together to help strengthen you marriage for parenting. This is a very stressful time for every couple. There are tried and proven ways for you to ensure the best possible marriage and parenting experience.

Visit the Couple and Baby Class and learn more about the course and sign up to begin.