Open Ended Questions

November 4, 2016 By Diane Constantine

open-ended-question-mark I have just returned home from an intense two-day training called Bringing Baby Home. Sound interesting? It really was. I’m looking forward to sharing what I learned with you. Even if your baby is already born and you are past the, “wonder” of birth, you may be wondering what you have gotten yourselves into.

Did you know there is research about that? There is. John Gottman and his colleagues saw a trend in the research they were doing with couples. Within three years of a baby’s birth their research showed a severe drop in marital happiness with an increase in conflict and hostility. This led them to intensively study couples before, during, and after having a baby. That research enabled them to predict, with great accuracy, which couples would be happy and which would not. Based on these findings, Bringing Baby Home has proven to be very successful in increasing the number of happy couples. The babies of these couples learned better and were happier too.

Over the months ahead I will be sharing parts of what I have learned. Gottman’s findings confirmed what we have already been teaching about healthy marital relationships. The new information is how the addition of a baby affects the couples’ relationship and the effects this has on the baby long term.

I will be sharing ways to help you and your spouse cope constructively with the changes brought about with the birth of a child. Pregnancy and delivery are just the start of the journey into parenting. So no matter how far along that road you are, there are steps you can take to strengthen your friendship and improve the outcome of your conflicts.

Here are some of the reasons why the birth of a baby causes so much unhappiness when it should be the beginning of one of the happiest parts of your life as a couple.

Identities change- women are now a mother as well as daughter, wife, etc. Men are now a father as well as son, husband, etc.
Time must be spent differently.
Values change towards work, finances, free-time, etc.
Sex and intimacy change.
Communication often decreases or becomes more stressful.
Some fathers withdraw and some moms rely more on female relationships for support.
Sleep deprivation is common.
Exhaustion and depression add stress.

Gottman describes the couples who succeed in these adaptations as “masters” and those who fail as “disasters.”

The goal is to help you be among the masters at integrating your baby into your family life.

The concepts I will be sharing are important throughout a couple’s relationship. The motto of the teaching is “small things often.” We completely agree. There is no one big thing that will ensure happiness. It is the small acts of kindness, small acts of understanding, and small acts of conflict regulation every day that will make a difference over time. The goal is to incorporate these skills into your daily life. That will make positive changes in your relationship. These small steps bring larger rewards over time as you continue your journey through life.

For this month, the first step to deepening your friendship is to know your spouse better by being aware of and learning their likes and dislikes, preferences, daily activities, hobbies, life dreams and history. You may have known each other well before your marriage and even through the first year or so after the wedding. But we all change over time. We face new challenges, try new things, and have reasons to change our opinions. But many couples quit making the effort to keep learning about their mate. You must stay curious and reconnect often in order to build the basis of your friendship.

Time for Some Practice

Now try the Open Ended Questions Exercise . This should become a daily habit. Learn one small thing about your spouse each day. You will reap huge rewards for staying connected.

We’ll get to much more about dealing with conflict in the months ahead. For now, try learning some small thing often about your spouse. You will be building your foundation of friendship. Everything else we’ll discuss is built on this base of friendship.

Now how does all that apply to being the best possible parents for your child? While you’re learning about your spouse, learn something new every day about your baby by observation. How does he or she react to noise and new tastes and smiles? What is your baby’s attitude to strangers and being alone and to touch? How active is your baby and at what time of the day or night? Share these insights with your baby’s dad or mom. These will help you build a foundation for your shared relationship with your baby. We’ll also talk more about this another month.

For more on Healthy Marriage, see Affirmation and Appreciation

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The Midnight Baptism

October 3, 2016 By Diane Constantine

One dark and stormy night (oh, yes, I know that first line is overused), Jane (only an alias because none of us want to think we could be like this), lost it.

It had been an exceptionally trying day with her toddler, Terror (not his real name, but definitely the right name for that day). Everything he had touched got broken, spilled, or lost. Everything he had said all day was at maximum volume and with such urgency it couldn’t be ignored.

Jane, on the other hand, had tried every good parenting technique she had ever read about. When they all failed, she fell back on screaming back at him, trying to ignore his antics, and crying.

Jane had finally gotten Terror to bed and was just sitting down to a soothing cup of chamomile tea, when Terror called, “Mommy,” in a sweet, soft voice. Touched by the change in tone and volume, she decided to go see what he wanted. Surely, this would just take a moment.

“Mommy, I want some water.”

“OK, Honey, just a minute.” Off Jane trotted to the sink to get a glass of water.

Back by his bedside, “Here you are.”

Terror looked up and said, “I don’t want any water.”

Jane shrugged, she tucked Terror under his cover and said, “Good night. See you in the morning.”

She just picked up her cup of tea when she heard, “Mommy, I want some water.”

Annoyed, she got a glass of water and told Terror to drink up. He announced that he didn’t need any water.

She said, “Are you sure? I don’t want to hear you ask for water again.”
“No, I don’t want water,” he said firmly.

She went back to her now lukewarm chamomile; she collapsed on her sofa.
Not one minute later, “Mommy, I really do need water!”

She carried the water to the room. Looked at that smug little Terror. Held the glass over his head and baptized him!

When the screaming stopped, she didn’t even really mind remaking his bed and changing his clothes. She had had the last word!

When she got back to the living room, she began to weep, “I’m the most awful mother in the world!” Fortunately, her husband was there and on his best form. “You are the best mommy Teddy (his real name) could have! You have just had one of the worst days ever with him and you both survived! Tomorrow will be better. I love you. I love the mother you are to Teddy, and I’ll pray for you. God will give you the wisdom and the grace you need to be the best possible mommy for Teddy.”

What a guy! Sometimes a good husband is better than a whole pot of chamomile tea. And the next day was better.

Here are some things to think about:
Some days are just horrible days. Everything seems to go wrong. That’s life and everyone faces days like this sometimes.

Most children have bad days sometimes. Some have more than the average, but they are still normal.

Consider the cause:

Is your child physically well? Sometimes teething, an ear ache, sore throat, or rash is really the cause of the bad behavior.
Is there tension in the home? Contention between parents or other adults living with you will stir your child to be more troublesome than usual.
Are you preoccupied? Some one-on-one attention with the trouble maker will reassure him that you still love him and are there for him.

Some ways to deal with your ‘Terror’:
One mother knew she was getting too angry at her misbehaving son. She needed a time out. She took him to his room (knowing he was safe there) and told him he must stay there until they both calmed down. This was not rejection or punishment; it was a wise way to prevent a punishment explosion.

One time a teething baby cried so much and nothing had worked. To get a break from the screaming, his mom put him in his crib, closed the door and turned up the music. After a while she was able to go back and try again to cuddle and console her hurting baby. Again, knowing her limits, she took care of herself too.

Some experts suggest that you should never let a child cry like that; others say that letting them cry, if there is no other serious problem causing their discomfort, can be the only thing you can do. In this mom’s case she made a decision that helped her and her baby.

Take advantage of times when someone else can watch your child for a while. Don’t use those times for chores. Do what will really rest and refresh you.

Having a confidante, prayer partner, or friend that you can confide your anger and frustration to can make all the difference.

Pay attention to what your husband says about the situation. Sometimes he can see a solution that you can’t because you are too close to the problem.

Be ready to encourage another mom you meet that is having a horrible, no good, awful day with her child. It will make you both feel better. Midnight baptisms do give way to sunny mornings.

How Your Baby Raises You

September 9, 2016 By Diane Constantine

Baby Pointing We think of parenting as us raising our children. And that is true. But the opposite is also true. Your children raise you too.

Did your heart ever swell so much as when you first held that little baby in your arms? You laugh and cry and cannot stop looking at that baby’s face and hands and toes. It is love at first sight.

You may have wondered if you could ever love anyone enough to really lay down your life for them. But as you look down at that helpless, innocent face, you know you will do everything in your power to protect this child.

Then the wail in the middle of the night shocks you to your feet before your brain is even engaged. You leave your bed and tend to this squalling bundle of noise. You may groan and rue your loss of sleep, but you learn that someone else is more important than your demand for sleep.

Dad, this is for you. You find yourself holding a cute little volcano that erupts at both ends. That sweet little baby pukes all over your best suit. You thought you’d never be able to clean up body wastes. Your wife, the baby’s mom, would have to do that part. But she’s not home and you cannot stay in that smelly suit and soothe that crying baby. You figure out a way to get the baby cleaned up and calmed down. Then you get yourself cleaned up and the suit bundled for the cleaner’s. You may grumble about it to your wife, but inside you’re just a little proud to learn you’ve survived what you thought would be impossible.

You know that educating a child will be expensive and you’ve started a college fund. But then you discover how much baby diapers cost. And that is just the beginning. He grows so fast that those clothes that looked so big in the hospital look like doll clothes next to him now. He needs another wardrobe. Then the stroller and car seat, and soon that new car of your dreams slips down farther and farther on the wish list. You are learning there are responsibilities that change your priorities. You have learned to wait or amend your wishes. You, Dad, are growing up!

You’re tired and just want to curl up with a book or stare at some screen that does not cry, or poop, or anything. But you catch sight of your little one rocking back and forth on knees and hands. In spite of yourself, you find yourself on the floor coaxing her to crawl to you. You are learning the great thrill of tiny successes. You may have wondered why your sister couldn’t stop talking about every little thing her baby could do. Now you know.

Mom, maybe you feel you are less of a person since having your baby. You may be staying home to raise this child. You know, in your head, it is good for your child. Yet your world may feel like it has shrunk, excluding all but the closest friends and family. It may feel that way now, but you will be more of a person because of all your baby has taught you.

In fact, babies are some of the best teachers you will ever have. They can’t speak any words for a long time, but you learn nevertheless. You find new strength, resilience, and persistence. You know how to love more than you ever thought possible. You can empathize with people you wouldn’t have even noticed before. You see things that need to be done before being asked to help. You care if others are happy or sad. You have learned to wait to have your needs and wants satisfied. These lessons don’t all come easily or automatically, but they are worth the cost.

Are You a Toxic Parent?

June 7, 2016 By Diane Constantine

mom and son yelling In an article by Theresa Edwards, she asked, “Are you a toxic parent?” She had interviewed four mental health and relationship experts about parental behaviors that have the potential to damage their children and their relationship with their children.

Now I don’t expect any of MY readers could be harming their children either directly or indirectly. But I’m sure I’m not the only one who worried that maybe I wasn’t parenting in the best way possible.

Here are some ways you may be hurting your children or your relationship with your children.

Yelling at your kids too much!

I’ve had more than a few of you mention that you know you yell at your kids too much. If this is something you worry about, think about these things.

Are you overwhelmed and out of control? What would it take to reduce your burdens so you have the reserves you need to deal with your children more calmly?
Are you overtired? When was the last time you got enough sleep? How can you make this happen more regularly?
Are you copying the parenting style you were raised with? Just because your parents’ yelled at you doesn’t mean you can’t learn a better way to communicate with your children.

You express your fears to your kids!

We may have a real fear of something we have not yet overcome. Fear becomes toxic when we model unreasonable fear or look to our children to help us deal with things that frighten us. We are the parents and need to find ways to deal with our fears. Passing our fears onto our children will hurt them in the long run.

Some moms are terribly afraid of spiders. If they scream and run every time they encounter a spider, their children will likely adopt their own fear of spiders. If moms realize they are much bigger than the spiders and surely can hit them with something and kill them, their kids will learn there are good ways to overcome fear.

Living Your Dreams and Aspirations Through Your Kids!

Some parents try to get their kids to fulfill their unmet goals for themselves. Maybe they had to work as a shopkeeper when they really wanted to be a scientist. They push their children to take the science stream and to become the researcher they weren’t able to become.

We should seek to know our kids’ strengths and weaknesses. We should give them opportunities to discover their own interests and desires. And as believers in Jesus, we should seek God’s will for our kids’ future. We need to allow our children to become the person God wants them to be not just the fulfillment of our dreams.

Binding Instead of Bonding

Binding is when we say or act like, “I’m your mother and you will do as I say!” Bonding, on the other hand, is cultivating a relationship through shared experiences. In this case we say, “I’m your mother and I will always love you. I have your best interests at heart.”

Some Indicators of Toxic Parenting:

Sometimes we just really can’t see that we are doing anything that will hurt our kids. If you see these indicators, you should look at the way you parent and take action to make some changes.

Your kids say, “You never listen to me.” Are you taking the time to listen to your kids? Are you hearing more than their words to what is really bothering them?
Your kids complain about the same thing repeatedly. Are you letting them know you are finding a way to deal with these concerns?
You find yourself constantly blaming others for the upsets in your home. What part are you playing in these upsets?
When you see your children behaving like you and you don’t like it. It is time to correct your own behavior before trying to deal with theirs.

Our goal is to be the best parents we can be for the children we have. Most of the time we do quite well.

But if you see you really are being “toxic” in one of these ways, seek help to make the needed changes. Don’t ignore these warning signs and don’t think they will improve on their own. It is not shameful to ask for help. It is shameful to know you need help and not to ask for it.

Please write to me with your comments or questions: Diane

You can see Theresa Edwards’ article at: Sheknows.com

Goals and Challenges for the New Year

January 7, 2016 By Diane Constantine

It’s the beginning of a fresh new year. Your challenges this year are sure to be different from last year. A year makes a huge difference in a baby or young child’s life. And you may have a new addition since last year.

This is a great time to reflect on your parenting goals and challenges. Why not take a few minutes and consider what you would like for your child this year?

1. What are the one or two most important things you want your child to learn this year?

What would you have to change in order for him/her to learn these things?

2. What are the one or two most important things you want your child to experience this year?

How could you make these happen?

3. What is the biggest problem you and your husband or wife have regarding your children?

What needs to happen for that problem to be resolved?

4. What is your greatest joy with your child or children?

How can you build memories around this activity or experience?

5. How can you keep these ideas alive and active throughout the year?

My greatest desire for you this year is that you would be able to enjoy your children more. It is easy to get into a rut, just doing what needs to be done at the moment and rushing from one event to another. Too many activities and too little time together can sap the joy out of our relationships.

How you treat your child today can be a foundation block or a stumbling stone in his future. Use the moments you have to imprint your values in your child’s life. Try to increase your use of teachable moments and reduce your expressions of frustration.

Make the effort to find at least one thing to treasure every day with each child. Tell your child when they do something right or good or generous. When you pray with your child, remember to thank God for the good things you see in that child. Don’t get fixated on what it is that needs to change.

May God abundantly bless you and your family this year!