Your Child's Journey

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Why am I So Sad?

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Why am I sad? I just had a beautiful, healthy baby!

Welcome to the majority of new moms! Where is the blissful joy we expected as the reward for labor? Why do we feel like this is the worst PMS ever?

With delivery go all those wonderful hormones. We’re profoundly exhausted by the birth process. Then comes learning to breast feed (no one told us we would have to learn how!) And, let’s not forget, sleep deprivation from waking to feed our darling every 2-3 hours.

The first two weeks involve profound physical, emotional, social and family changes. This is all normal. To feel sad and irritable is nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed by.

What should you do during this time? Ask for help, rest as much as possible, take good care of yourself, and share your feelings. Don’t bottle them up and make yourself feel even more miserable.

Life soon settles down to a new normal,  hormones level out, and the worst of the emotional storms are past.

If however, you are among the 10-20% of moms whose baby blues last longer than two weeks and are more intense, you are experiencing postpartum depression. Talk to your OB/Gyn or midwife as soon as possible. There is much that can be done to help you out of this common depression. Don’t delay getting help. These first 2-3 months of your baby’s life are so important for bonding and establishing the foundations of trust in your baby. There is no shame in asking for help.

Read more:  Baby Blues and Beyond

Tummy Time

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You’ve probably heard about tummy time for babies. The reason it is now an issue is that most parents place their baby on its back to sleep due to the decrease in SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) in this position. This trend has led to a great increase in children with delayed motor development. Now parents must make an effort to provide tummy time.

I hope to give you some compelling reasons to make tummy time happen and also some ways to make it more enjoyable for both you and your baby.

There are milestones in your baby’s development related to tummy time. Without tummy time, some of these milestones won’t be reached or will only develop much later. So it is worth making tummy time a priority.

Start tummy time in the first week of life. Babies who have tummy time from birth onwards, tolerate it much better later on. It is a very natural position for newborns and helps them begin to stretch out after months in the womb. (Don’t worry about the umbilical cord. In the first two weeks of life, the time before the umbilical cord falls off, babies pull the knees up and rest on their forearms. They won’t rub the umbilical cord.) Lying tummy down on Dad’s chest is a great for both Dad and baby. Dad gets a great boost of bonding hormones and baby gets time and attention from Dad as well as tummy time. You may also burp baby belly down across your knees.

What happens during the first two months? Baby bobs his head up briefly to about 45 degrees. He can turn his head to place the opposite cheek down. Arms and legs straighten out and press down and lift the top of the chest up a little. The most important development during this time is that baby lifts its head to turn from side to side. This is the first time the two sides of the body coordinate together to accomplish a task. To make tummy time more comfortable, use a pillow to support your baby’s chest and shoulders. To make it more fun, you can lie on the floor next to baby while talking and rubbing her. This can be an enjoyable rest for both of you.

At three months, she can hold her head up without bobbing. She will lift her head to look both directions. She can lift her shoulders and the top of her chest while pressing down with her forearms. She may roll from belly to side if she lifts her head too far. During this month her sense of balance and vision begin to coordinate. Your baby will enjoy having different things to look at when turning her head from side to side. Keep it interesting to look both ways. She will benefit by having 30-60 minutes of tummy time each day now. No need to make it all at one time, break it into enjoyable sessions.

At four months, he lifts his head steadily to 90 degrees. He not only lifts his upper chest while pressing down with his forearms, but he will stay like this to play with something interesting. Try squishy balls, stuffed animals and sensory bean bags. He will really enjoy ‘flying’ on your feet as you lie on your back and hold him up with your feet and by his chest. Babies who have more than an hour of tummy time at four months, have been shown to reach their milestones faster than those who spend less time on their tummy.

At five months, he will begin to push his chest off the surface with straight arms. In the next few months he will begin bearing his weight on his open hands to the floor. He may begin intentionally rolling from belly to side. Don’t worry if he has less and less tummy time, as long as you are giving him plenty of floor time to continue to develop his muscles for crawling and eventually walking.

For more links about Tummy Time and other Baby topics see: Babies- Sleep, Eat, Awake

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Reading Baby’s Face

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Since Baby cannot talk, it can be very hard to figure out what they need or want.

For a little help in reading your baby’s face, take a look at these babies and see if you guess right about what they are trying to say.

See whether their eyebrows are raised or lowered or pinched together. Is their nose wrinkled or not? Is their mouth open or the corners turned down?

Have some fun and maybe learn a little bit more about what your baby is trying to tell you.

Baby Emotions

Dad and Mom Together

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During December, we were reminded many times of Jesus’ birth. Although we often focus on Mary and the baby Jesus, I think the unsung hero of the story is Joseph. He was a good and righteous man. He was in tune enough with God that he believed the dreams he had were God’s word to him. He was willing to accept Mary as his wife, though she was pregnant. (Her pregnancy was an act of God, but many people would have doubted that.) After Jesus was born, he uprooted his family twice in obedience to God-given dreams: first to preserve his wife and her child from death by going to Egypt, and then to return to raise his family in Galilee. Joseph worked hard as a carpenter.

And as a good Jewish father, he trained Jesus as a carpenter too. How many admirable qualities do you see in Joseph? Have you ever stopped to consider just what a fine man he was? He had his flaws, no doubt, but the flaws did not cancel out the many characteristics that made him a good man.

I’d like to focus this month on the role of the father. As soon as the woman is aware she is pregnant, changes begin in the home. When, and how, does she tell her husband that he is a father? How will he react? The baby isn’t even born, yet attitudes about this new little human are already forming. It’s such an important time.

If the news of her pregnancy is accompanied by distress and conflict, dad may withdraw from mom. He may resent the baby’s intrusion on their relationship. He may feel he has so many additional responsibilities that he spends more and more time at work. Also, concerns about the additional responsibilities and necessary finances can make these early days of pregnancy challenging.

There are physical stresses now as well. Mom’s hormones are changing dramatically and these affect her mood, energy, and sex drive. It’s a roller coaster ride. The new changes in roles, values, and identity can cause both parents to emotionally withdraw from each other, just when they need each other the most.

We may have brought some attitudes or beliefs into our marriage that make dad fulfilling his most important roles in the family difficult or impossible. Here are some stumbling blocks:

  • One or the other parent believes that it is the woman’s role to raise the children and the man’s role to be the breadwinner. This puts more stress on mom and means dad misses the joy of a warm relationship with his child.
  • Mom may believe that she is the only one who knows how to take care of a baby. She may be afraid for dad to handle the baby and make him feel even more incompetent to be dad. Or dad may get nauseous at the thought of wiping up after baby spews from mouth or bottom. He then disqualifies himself from doing anything with the baby.

These don’t have to be fatal to the relationship. How can you overcome these stumbling blocks? Ask for help. Be willing to help. Share your dreams. Share your fears (most new parents have some.) Pray for your baby before he or she is born. Pray for each other. And appreciate each other.

Good news!  With good relationship skills before the pregnancy and practicing good conflict resolution during pregnancy and during baby’s first year, the marriage can be even stronger, and baby can have a solid family to develop in.

For now, here is one key thought: both mom and dad need to be involved in the baby’s care and development, and that starts before the baby is born. Each has specific roles to fill. Together, both parents have a wonderful, God-given potential to nurture our babies, teach them about trust and love, and model how to relate to others.

We will continue in the next few months to provide you with tools to help you communicate well with each other and continue to build your friendship and love so you can be the best mom and dad for your child.

I have written other articles for YourChildsJourney.com on How Important is Dad? and Bonding and Brain Chemicals. Do take a few minutes to read these articles as they add other aspects of Dad’s role and how to fulfill it.

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The Midnight Baptism

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One dark and stormy night (oh, yes, I know that first line is overused), Jane (only an alias because none of us want to think we could be like this), lost it.

It had been an exceptionally trying day with her toddler, Terror (not his real name, but definitely the right name for that day). Everything he had touched got broken, spilled, or lost. Everything he had said all day was at maximum volume and with such urgency it couldn’t be ignored.

Jane, on the other hand, had tried every good parenting technique she had ever read about. When they all failed, she fell back on screaming back at him, trying to ignore his antics, and crying.

Jane had finally gotten Terror to bed and was just sitting down to a soothing cup of chamomile tea, when Terror called, “Mommy,” in a sweet, soft voice. Touched by the change in tone and volume, she decided to go see what he wanted. Surely, this would just take a moment.

“Mommy, I want some water.”

“OK, Honey, just a minute.” Off Jane trotted to the sink to get a glass of water.

Back by his bedside, “Here you are.”

Terror looked up and said, “I don’t want any water.”

Jane shrugged, she tucked Terror under his cover and said, “Good night. See you in the morning.”

She just picked up her cup of tea when she heard, “Mommy, I want some water.”

Annoyed, she got a glass of water and told Terror to drink up. He announced that he didn’t need any water.

She said, “Are you sure? I don’t want to hear you ask for water again.”
“No, I don’t want water,” he said firmly.

She went back to her now lukewarm chamomile; she collapsed on her sofa.
Not one minute later, “Mommy, I really do need water!”

She carried the water to the room. Looked at that smug little Terror. Held the glass over his head and baptized him!

When the screaming stopped, she didn’t even really mind remaking his bed and changing his clothes. She had had the last word!

When she got back to the living room, she began to weep, “I’m the most awful mother in the world!” Fortunately, her husband was there and on his best form. “You are the best mommy Teddy (his real name) could have! You have just had one of the worst days ever with him and you both survived! Tomorrow will be better. I love you. I love the mother you are to Teddy, and I’ll pray for you. God will give you the wisdom and the grace you need to be the best possible mommy for Teddy.”

What a guy! Sometimes a good husband is better than a whole pot of chamomile tea. And the next day was better.

Here are some things to think about:
Some days are just horrible days. Everything seems to go wrong. That’s life and everyone faces days like this sometimes.

Most children have bad days sometimes. Some have more than the average, but they are still normal.

Consider the cause:

  • Is your child physically well? Sometimes teething, an ear ache, sore throat, or rash is really the cause of the bad behavior.
  • Is there tension in the home? Contention between parents or other adults living with you will stir your child to be more troublesome than usual.
  • Are you preoccupied? Some one-on-one attention with the trouble maker will reassure him that you still love him and are there for him.

Some ways to deal with your ‘Terror’:
One mother knew she was getting too angry at her misbehaving son. She needed a time out. She took him to his room (knowing he was safe there) and told him he must stay there until they both calmed down. This was not rejection or punishment; it was a wise way to prevent a punishment explosion.

One time a teething baby cried so much and nothing had worked. To get a break from the screaming, his mom put him in his crib, closed the door and turned up the music. After a while she was able to go back and try again to cuddle and console her hurting baby. Again, knowing her limits, she took care of herself too.

Some experts suggest that you should never let a child cry like that; others say that letting them cry, if there is no other serious problem causing their discomfort, can be the only thing you can do. In this mom’s case she made a decision that helped her and her baby.

Take advantage of times when someone else can watch your child for a while. Don’t use those times for chores. Do what will really rest and refresh you.

Having a confidante, prayer partner, or friend that you can confide your anger and frustration to can make all the difference.

Pay attention to what your husband says about the situation. Sometimes he can see a solution that you can’t because you are too close to the problem.

Be ready to encourage another mom you meet that is having a horrible, no good, awful day with her child. It will make you both feel better. Midnight baptisms do give way to sunny mornings.