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Your Child's Journey

wisdom for the big steps little children take

You are here: Home / Archives for The Child-Ready Marriage

The Sex Life of Masters and Disasters

December 27, 2017 By Diane Constantine

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John Gottman identified 13 things all couples do who have an amazing sex life. This was from a study of more than 3,000 couples over 40 years.

Let’s start with The Disasters:

  • They spend very little time together during a typical week
  • They become job-centered (him) and child-centered (her)
  • They talk mostly about their huge to-do lists
  • They seem to make everything else a priority other than their relationship
  • They drift apart and lead parallel lives
  • They are unintentional about turning toward one another

The Masters:

  • They say “I love you” every day and mean it
  • They kiss one another passionately for no reason
  • They give surprise romantic gifts
  • They know what turns their partners on and off erotically
  • They are physically affectionate, even in public
  • They keep playing and having fun together
  • They cuddle
  • The make sex a priority, not the last item of a long to-do list
  • They stay good friends
  • They can talk comfortably about their sex life
  • They have weekly dates
  • They take romantic vacations
  • They are mindful about turning towards

Now you cannot do it all right away. This is a blueprint outlining the best practices and the goal for your relationship. Take a step today in the right direction. Keep trying and become Masters not Disasters.


See:  The Sex Life of Masters and Disasters – the results of John Gottmans’ research of those with amazing sex lives.

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Filed Under: The Child-Ready Marriage Tagged With: disasters, masters, sex life

The Rituals Exercise

June 5, 2017 By Diane Constantine

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Rituals Exercise:
This exercise is taken from Gottman’s Blog from December 7, 2013.

Review the list of rituals below. Take a moment to select the ones you each want to talk about – we suggest that you mostly focus on any that are currently relevant and of concern.  Then ask and answer the questions to help you consider the rituals you want for your relationship.

Types of Rituals:

  • Waking up, waking one another up
  • Breakfast
  • Lunch
  • Dinner
  • Snacks
  • Leaving one another
  • Reuniting
  • Handling finances
  • Hosting others in your home
  • Special days (birthdays, anniversaries, etc.)
  • Taking care of one another when sick
  • Renewing your spirit
  • Taking vacations or getaways
  • Traveling
  • Recreation, games, and play
  • Dates or romantic evenings
  • Attending sports events
  • Participating in sports events
  • Watching television
  • Attending movies
  • Attending concerts, plays, and other cultural events
  • Religious festivals and holidays
  • Regular religious services
  • Rituals of transition (funerals, weddings, bar mitzvahs, etc.)
  • Attending another’s performance or sports event
  • Doing hobbies
  • Creating art
  • Running errands
  • Doing household chores
  • Participating in community events or politics
  • Doing charity work
  • Doing schoolwork
  • Soothing other people’s feelings
  • Apologizing or repairing feelings after an argument
  • Arriving at your job
  • Doing your job
  • Leaving your job


Questions to Ask and Answer:

  1. What was this activity like in your family or with your friends when you were growing up?
  2. Did you have rituals surrounding it?
  3. What were those rituals like?
  4. What did you enjoy about them? What did you dislike about them? What would have made them better?
  5. What is this activity like in your life today?
  6. Do you have rituals surrounding it?
  7. What are those rituals like?
  8. How satisfied are you with them?
  9. What does this ritual mean or symbolize for you?
  10. Does this ritual help you feel more connected or less connected to the important people in your life?
  11. Does this ritual foster positive or negative feelings towards others?
  12. What could be done to make this ritual a more positive experience for you? For others?

The goal of this activity is to reconnect – both with yourself and with your partner – and to share comfort and support. Take turns asking and answering questions, using this as an opportunity to learn about each other, uncover hidden dreams, discover shared meaning, and create new rituals celebrating your dreams and values.

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Filed Under: All Ages, The Child-Ready Marriage Tagged With: relationship, rituals

Expressing Needs Exercise

March 31, 2017 By Diane Constantine

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Last month your exercise was to express a desire or two and how your spouse could help you. If you missed that article and exercise see: The Relationship Account. Throughout your marriage your needs will change. What was only a desire becomes a strongly felt need and what was once a need no longer seems so important. Being able to express your needs clearly will help prevent bitterness from building up. Showing you can take action to see that your spouse’s needs are met is a great way to demonstrate your love. This is a good exercise to help you express your needs and to find ways to meet your spouse’s needs.

Scan the list and choose one to talk about. Explain the current need and give as much information as possible. When it is your turn to listen, try to make a plan as to how you will help to meet the need. Begin the sentence with, “I need . . .

  • to talk about . . . or for us to discuss . . .
  • to hear about . . . or hear how you . . .
  • to know what you think or feel about me or our home or our children . . .
  • more romance in our marriage or dates or music or surprises or gifts . . .
  • more kissing or touching or cuddling or foreplay or sex. . .
  • time with others: extended family or friends or to entertain . . .
  • help with household chores or shopping or child care . . .
  • less stress or tension or fights . . .

At different stages of your relationship, it would be good to revisit this exercise. Maybe you can include it around New Year or your anniversary. This is a way to express your current needs and take stock of better ways to show your love and attention to your spouse.

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Filed Under: BBH, The Child-Ready Marriage Tagged With: expression, needs

Expressing Desires – Exercise

March 31, 2017 By Diane Constantine

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It may have been some time since you talked about your desires at this stage of your marriage. It may seem awkward. But give the exercise a chance. It’s worth the investment. Here we go:

Look at the statements below. Choose one and adapt it to your own situation. Take turns to express your own current desire. Be sure to state your desire as clearly as possible and be ready to say how it could be met. When it is your turn to listen, listen with a teachable heart. Don’t be ready to criticize or belittle your spouse for the desires they express. Be ready to say ways you are willing and able to meet what is expressed. Do not make this a time to argue, but to add to your relationship account!

  • I would like you to touch me even at times sex is not the response you expect.
  • I would like help with the evening meal time.
  • I would like your undivided attention for a few minutes each day.
  • I would like time to decompress for a short while when I come home.

Now that you have practiced those, why not think of some of your own?

I would like. . .

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Filed Under: All Ages, The Child-Ready Marriage

Affirm Your Child

March 3, 2017 By Diane Constantine

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There is much being written today about building our child’s self-esteem. It is a hot topic. Some of the advice is good and healthy for our children, some of it is bunk. Let me try to take the mystery out of this topic.

We have talked about affirmation and appreciation between mom and dad. Affirmation goes a long way to reducing stress and increasing pleasure with our spouse. It is also one of the best ways to help our children develop a healthy self-esteem.

Our modern culture wants everyone to feel good all the time. With that goal in mind, we are pressured to praise others for everything and give awards for mere attendance. This kind of empty, insincere praise backfires.

Kids have different reactions to weak praise. Some kids begin to feel they are already perfect and no longer need practice. Others try to be perfect and feel they constantly fail. For others praise confuses them. For instance, when they know they didn’t do well, but are told, “That was terrific,” they don’t know whether to trust their own instincts or what is being said about them. Others learn that praise is lying.

Affirmation, according to Mirriam-Webster, is ‘to say that something is true in a confident way.’

What does affirmation do for a child?

Affirmation helps children develop positive foundations on which to grow. Once we have matured, it is hard to change those foundations.

  • Affirmation helps children have confidence in themselves.
  • Affirmation helps children recognize what they are competent to do.
  • Affirmation helps children learn how to use their skills to contribute to others.
  • Affirmation builds resiliency in children to deal with the stresses in life.
  • Affirmation lets children know they are accepted, loved, and supported.

What does affirmation sound like? Here are some examples:

  • “I’m proud of you because . . .”
  • “That was such a good decision.” (Explain why it was good.)
  • “You worked so hard at . . .”
  • “I like how you answered that question. It shows you are really thinking.”
  • “You are such a good example to . . .”
  • “You were so brave when. . .”
  • “That was such a kind thing to do.”
  • “Thank you for honoring me by . . .”
  • “You are the kind of friend I wanted when I was your age.”
  • “You have a great sense of humor.”
  • “Your room looks great. You cleaned it so well.”
  • “You made this? It is beautiful.”
  • “You’re building strong muscles doing that job.”
  • “You inspire people when you . . .”
  • “You never give up on a hard job.”
  • “Your life matters.”
  • “It takes a big person to be honest like you just were.”
  • “You are really polite. I was proud to introduce you as my child.”
  • “You did this by yourself? Amazing.”

You can affirm, even when your child didn’t do well.

  • “I know you worked as hard for that C as many students work for an A. You are diligent.”
  • “I know you’re disappointed that you didn’t win. I’m so proud of you for trying.”
  • “It can be hard to come in second, but it looked like you did your best. Someone else was just better. Keep trying, maybe next time you’ll win.”
  • “I know you feel bad about your mistake. What do you think you can do differently next time?”
  • “Ah, that was a bad decision. I know you’ll learn from it and make a different choice next time.”
  • “I’m glad you told me about this. I love you and will always be here for you. We can work together to solve this problem.”

When is a good time to affirm your child?

  • When you are teaching your child a new skill. Affirm their attempts and even partial successes along the way.
  • When you see a spark of interest or a flash of brilliance. A little affirmation may turn that interest into a lifelong pastime or future employment.
  • When your child used one of his skills or knowledge to help someone else.
  • When you speak highly of them to another adult in their hearing.
  • When you show them physical affection, speak affirming words.
  • When you recognize they have a better idea than you do about something.
  • When they have made a good decision.

If you realize you have been heaping meaningless praise on your child, now is a good time to pay attention to what you say to your child. Don’t fill their ears with, “You’re so pretty” or “You’re so big” or “Good boy.” Instead tell them what praiseworthy behavior you’ve observed in them or good attitudes they’ve shown or how what they have done has made someone else’s life better. Everyone tends to live up to the good opinions of others or down to their criticisms. A parent’s opinion carries even more weight.

Exercise:

  1. Look through the list of affirmation starters. Choose one or two that you can tailor-make to suit your child. Remember affirmation is saying something true in a confident way. So, make sure you can say it honestly and then be specific so your child knows what you saw as good.
  2. Choose a good time to give your affirmation to your child. Don’t say it when you are likely to be interrupted or distracted. Look for a time your child’s heart is open.
  3. Linger a little and be ready to listen to how your child responds or what questions they may ask. This can give you a clue as to how or what they would love to hear from you next time.

I know you can make a difference in your child’s life as you affirm them.


For more articles on parenting, check out: The Child-Ready Marriage

 

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Filed Under: All Ages, The Child-Ready Marriage Tagged With: affirm, self esteem

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