Your Child's Journey

wisdom for the big steps little children take

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Are You Tired?

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Mother’s Day is coming. Moms, this is for you!

The Scripture that comes to mind is from Matt. 11:28-30. “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Is there any mom of a baby or small children who is not tired and burdened? I haven’t met her! So, if you are tired and burdened, there is good news for you.

God knows what you are dealing with right now. He knows your baby cries at all hours of the day and night. He knows you get frustrated with the constant demands. He knows that you worry about whether you are doing the right things for your baby.

You are not alone! You are part of a world-wide community of women going through the same things. Oh, true enough, you have different realities. For some, the worry about clean water and enough food add to their stresses. For some, the expectations of the extended family make motherhood a puzzle to work out. Others are left on their own to ‘figure out’ how to parent too soon after baby’s birth.

But, Jesus tells us the secret to finding rest is in your relationship with Him. When you are on talking-terms with the Lord, He can give you calm, even when there seems to be a storm around you. His Spirit will alert you when there is something you should do for your baby and also alert you to information that will make your job easier.

When your soul is at peace, everything else seems easier. So take the time to meditate on Scriptures, listen to worship songs and sing along, pray about everything. Does that sound hard? Every time you sit down to feed your baby, pray for you, your husband, your baby. When you are awake at night for a feeding or nappy change, think about a Bible passage that you are learning. Keep Christian music in the background and the Spirit will alert you to words you need to hear.

Of course, you won’t be able to do all the church activities that you did before baby. You may not be able to have the long stretches of in-depth Bible studies. God knows that. He doesn’t judge you. Don’t beat yourself up. A tender heart, open to His promptings, is all He desires from you right now. The time will come again when you can be more involved in these activities, maybe even leading studies or teaching Sunday School. But don’t feel that you are a second class Christian because you have to take some time off these activities.

I remember so well, my frustrations with my first baby. We were pastoring in a small church full of young families. As soon as the meeting started, my baby always cried first. I would have to take him out to another room. Almost immediately, another mom or two would bring their small children to me and say, “Since you’re here, can I leave mine here too?” What was I to say? “No, you can feed or change or play with mine while I go back into the meeting.” But about the time when I wanted to stay home because I ended up in the baby room all the time, something wonderful would happen. Sure enough, mine was the first to start crying. But there was one married woman who had never been able to conceive. She would come over, reach for my son, take him in her arms and walk and rock him to sleep. For one whole service, I could do nothing but soak in the love of God and praise Him. God knew how to give rest to my soul.

Your situation will be different, but I know God has everything at his disposal to give you the rest you need when you turn to Him.

Just one other note: Don’t be afraid to ask for help. There are those people around you who would help if they knew what you need.

Be blessed, Mom! These baby and small child years will pass quicker than you think. Find rest so that you can savor these days and weeks and months with your little one.

 

How Can We Connect?

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I have been reminded this month of the importance of connecting with your children. Modern living fills our ears and eyes with so much information and uses up our energy getting from one place to another. Children who do not have time to spend with their parents miss out on the wisdom and values that are caught better than taught. Others can take care of our children, but they will imprint them with their own values and behavior.  So, the big question is, “How can we connect?”

Consider your work situation

Here are some things to think about.

  • How important is it that both parents work outside the home? Could you manage on only one income or is it possible for one parent to work from home? It may mean quite a severe cut of income, but could this be made up in savings from cooking more at home and having the leisure to shop for bargains?
  • If both must work outside the home, is it possible for one to work nearby so that they could eat lunch with the child or be able to cut the number of hours that a caregiver must be hired?
  • If both must work outside the home, it is vital that the caregiver is well chosen. That person or persons must have similar values and philosophy of parenting as you. They must have the strength and energy to care well for a very mobile youngster. The place where they care for your child must be safe and clean.

Ideas for Connecting

With the care-giving in place, here are some suggestions for ways to connect with your child.

  • Spend as much time with your child as possible. This does not mean time with your child AND your hand phone or computer. This means time you are playing with your child, or cuddling, or reading, or listening. (Quality does NOT make up for quantity. Both quantity and quality time are important!)
  • Let them share as much of your life as possible. Take them with you when you run errands. Find ways they can play in the same room where you are doing chores. Teach them how to help you with chores so you can work side-by-side as soon as possible. (Begin before the age of 2. This is when they still think it is FUN to help you.)
  • Read with your child every day. If you want your child to do well in school, begin with pre-reading skills by reading books together. Have them turn the pages and point to things you mention on the page. Ask them questions about what you read. Make noises and actions to explain anything they don’t understand from the story. Their vocabulary will grow along with their love of reading because this is connected with time and cuddling with you.
  • Each parent should take care of the children to allow the other to have some “Me Time.” It doesn’t need to be a long time, but should be often enough and for long enough to do something that is rejuvenating.
  • Plan enough time in the morning and again in the evening to make getting dressed fun time with you (both parents if at all possible) and your child. Don’t make it a chore you have to endure and get finished.
  • Find time every week what the whole family can do something together that everyone can enjoy. These activities change as baby becomes toddler and then preschooler. Also, the addition of another child changes the mix. But “Family Fun” is important for everyone. Don’t miss it!

There are so many other good ways to connect with your child! Please share your ideas by email Diane. I will compile your ideas and share them in a future post.

Benefits of Dad’s Involvement

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This month I thought it would be good to share some of the benefits of dad being involved with his children.

In the very early days after birth, dad’s caring for the physical needs of his baby is good for him, for baby, and for mom. He gains confidence in his ability to care for this tiny bundle and gets a good dose of attachment hormones just for holding and touching baby. If dad has been involved during pregnancy, baby already recognizes his voice. Tending to the physical needs helps baby attach to dad. Mom gets some needed assistance, time to rest and heal, and gains trust in dad’s ability to handle baby.

Some dad’s love to carry their baby in a sling. The rhythm of his movements and rumble of his deep voice are soothing to baby. Dad gets to show off his parenting skills and this will pay off in long term interest in his child.

Activities of daily living like: bathing, dressing, feeding and playing with baby, help mom believe family is a priority for dad. It builds baby’s trust that her needs will be met and helps dad know more of what is involved in 24/7/365 care of a baby. As baby begins to know the routines, he or she begins to look forward to dad coming home and play time with dad.

Dad plays differently with his baby and little child than mom does. Dad’s more physical play helps baby develop muscle control, strength, balance, and rhythm. Dad expects his children to try new things and experiment and find solutions. These are all skills that will help in preschool and beyond. Dad also doesn’t allow whining as much, so his children learn better ways to communicate their needs and desires.

Dad telling stories to his children helps them understand emotions, social situations, and tasks. Children want to imitate dad and telling stories is a great way to help them learn what is important to him.

Babies whose dad was highly involved with his children from infancy showed the following benefits:

  • Higher cognitive functioning at six months
  • Better problem solving skills as toddlers
  • Higher IQ scores by age three
  • More resilience in strange situations
  • More likely to be curious and explore their environment
  • Less prone to depression and have fewer negative emotions like fear or guilt
  • Have greater tolerance for stress and frustration
  • Are more playful, resourceful, skillful, and attentive when presented with a problem
  • Have higher educational achievement relative to their parents and are more likely to succeed in their work as adults.

Dads who were highly involved reported they:

  • Are more sensitive with their infants
  • Have greater marital satisfaction
  • Feel more self-confident as parents
  • Find parenthood more satisfying
  • Are more likely to feel happily married then and twenty years after the birth of their first child.

So mom, do all you can to make it possible for dad to have time with his baby and children. Allow him to become proficient in caring for his baby. (Remember he may figure out a better way to do some of the care. There is not just one correct way to do any of it.) If he is reticent to get involved, slowly but surely help him to find enjoyment in caring for his child.

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To see more of the articles on Marriage and Parenting, please go to The Child-Ready Marriage

Romance

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Here we are in February, the month we think about love and romance.

Some of you are just recovering from delivery. Love making may be the last thing on your mind, but you wouldn’t mind having a romantic date. It doesn’t have to be expensive to celebrate your love. In fact, if money is tight, extravagant gifts cause more worry than joy.

Why not take some time to think about a way you and your spouse can reconnect in a romantic way? You may not be able to leave the house, but you can let your mate know how very important they are to you and what joy they bring you.

Parenting babies or toddlers is full of distractions. These can squeeze romance right out of us. Unsettled disagreements cause tensions to rise. Disappointment over what our mate fails to do chills romance. When we have spent the whole day putting out fires it can be hard to spark romance. Many times though, if one of you begins wooing, the other will find there really is a little left to share. If not, make a date. Anticipation is a great aphrodisiac.

Some things to think about that will make romance more possible:

  • Forgive and not hold grudges. Take time to ask forgiveness or to talk about your grievances before you sleep. You’ll both sleep better.
  • Don’t let unrealistic expectations spoil your joy. Talk about your limitations and your expectations. Many are reasonable if we only take time to listen.
  • Keep up your physical appearance. Of course having a baby changes your shape. But we can comb our hair, put on comfortable, but pleasant clothes, and smile.
  • Stay creative in ways to romance your spouse!
  • Start each day with a kiss
  • Be polite
  • Give back rubs
  • Do what they want before they ask
  • Hold hands more often
  • Cuddle
  • Watch sunsets together
  • Say “I love you” frequently
  • Wink at them

Don’t bring the Facebook world into your relationship. Make your celebration yours and yours alone. You may think that having hundreds of friends ‘like’ your romantic post will thrill your spouse. But personal, caring, thoughtful words from you will go straight to their heart.

If you have the time, money, and way to do something bigger, by all means enjoy yourselves without guilt. But if you don’t, enjoy what you can have and let each other know how much you love them.

Here’s to creating a memory and starting a ritual of connection that you’ll never forget.

Repair and Compromise

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This is the final article for the Child-Ready Marriage series, Dealing with Conflicts. We’re hoping that you have discovered ways to improve your communication and deal with conflicts. With these skills in place, you will be better able to parent your children together.

In the last article we discussed Solvable vs Perpetual Problems  In this article we’re going to discuss Repair and Compromise.

All couples have disagreements that turn negative. What we do when we realize it is headed for anger and hurt feelings, can make all the difference. This is the point where we can make a Repair Attempt. It won’t always work, but the more you practice the attempt and the repair, the better your communication will become with each other.

We make an attempt at repair when we try to stop emotions from getting out of control or words from becoming angry and hurtful or hostile actions from starting. One partner says something calming or reasonable or asks for a break. A repair happens when the other partner accepts the attempt and responds appropriately to the attempt. The goal here is to calm down so you can find common ground from which to find a solution or compromise.

Please click, Gottman Repair Checklist for your copy of ways to attempt a repair. You may want to look at it and see possible ways to attempt a repair in arguments you and your spouse have. These will feel really strange to use at first, but as you practice them, they will significantly shorten and de-escalate your arguments.

Whether our conflict is solvable or perpetual, compromise is necessary. If it is on the level of an irritation that causes frustration, the solution can be reached just by mutual agreement of a change to be made.

But when the conflict is more serious or a recurring perpetual problem, a compromise is necessary to find a workable solution for the time being. Compromise is defined by Mike Constantine as  “A mutual adjustment for the sake of improvement.” This means neither one gets their way 100% or gives in 100%. It means both choose to yield in some ways to improve the relationship.

Please get your copy of, The Compromise Exercise. The Compromise Exercise is a good one to discover areas where we can and cannot yield. Each of you takes  a copy of the exercise.

  • Carefully consider your beliefs and your limitations concerning the issue at hand.
  • In the center circle, write your most minimal core areas on which you cannot yield. Remember, you cannot have it all. But what part are you unable to yield?
  • In the outside circle, write those parts of the situation on which you can yield.

When you are both ready, compare your charts. You may not have been aware of your spouse’s core areas on which they cannot yield. This gives you a chance to discuss why this is so vital to your spouse. With understanding, compromise is easier. You may easily see the parts you each can yield and a way to solve the problem for now or even permanently.

If you get to this point and you cannot find a solution yourselves; please talk to a counselor, pastor, or a wise friend you both trust. From another view point, often a path can be seen to peace that is hard to find when you are in the midst of conflict. Don’t let something like this simmer and destroy your friendship and your marriage. Nothing is worth that kind of damage.

Continue to deepen your love for your spouse by always learning more and better ways to reach their heart. Build your friendship.

If you have questions or comments you would like to make, please email, Diane.