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Discipline Rules

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This month I’d like to share insights from an article in PopSugar.com by Sarah Muoio. To see the full article click: Rules for Discipline

Sarah wrote a great article about the rules she and her husband agreed on about discipline even before their son was born. These rules were not for their son, but for them as parents!

There are so many things to consider concerning disciplining our children. First and foremost is the fact that each parent comes from a different experience of discipline. Add to that all that the experts say, what your friends say, and any special circumstances in your family.

Sarah and her husband took time before their son was born to discuss in detail their views on discipline. They set their goals for their son, like the values, morals, and attitudes they wanted him to have, and how they wanted him to experience life.

In order to avoid conflicts between themselves when they needed to discipline their son, they established some ‘rules’ for themselves. These didn’t always apply and sometimes needed to be bent a bit, but these rules helped them effectively discipline their son.

So, what were their rules?

  • Listen! Even when someone is wrong, listen to what they have to say. There’s always three sides to a story.
  • Set a good example. You need to practice what you preach.
  • Be clear with rules and expectations. Leave nothing for interpretation.
  • Be flexible. There are some issues that don’t fit the mold. They deserve fair judgment.
  • Praise good behaviors, don’t just scorn bad ones.
  • Be consistent.
  • Empathize. Never discredit feelings. Kids should be entitled to embrace and express their feelings. Let them know that you understand them.
  • Keep a sense of humor.
  • Provide insight on how they can change behaviors. Make it clear that mistakes are normal. We ALL make them. Stress the fact that trying hard not to repeat mistakes is what matters.
  • Always end with “I love you.” Let it be known that it’s the behavior you don’t like, not the person. No matter how many mistakes they make, it doesn’t change the fact that they are so loved.

The rule above all others is, never let their son see that they disagree about discipline. They create a unified front so he can never play one parent against the other. If they don’t agree, they still back up the one disciplining and only discuss it in private later. Sarah says, “But as far as our son knows, there’s nothing to discuss. It’s two against one when one of us sets a rule.”

For those of you who have been reading First Steps or Next Steps, and the cover letters, much of this will look familiar. It is good, though, to hear it from another source, especially from a parent that is still in the trenches.

No matter how young or old your children are, it is always a good time to review your goals, plans, and methods to discipline your children. Be sure to take into account the effect other care givers are having on your child’s development.

Time Alone

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When was the last time you had time alone with your spouse? For some of my readers, you conscientiously carve out some time every day alone with your spouse. But honestly, if you do, you’re a rare breed! Most couples in the Klang Valley and in any urban area, find it very difficult to have any time alone with their spouse.

First you are both working outside your home. That means being away from each other during the work day plus the commute to and from work. Since you are not home, most of you have to collect your children from a child minder. Then everyone arrives home tired and hungry. By the time everyone is fed, there is precious little time to spend with the children before they should be in bed. Depending on how you get your children to sleep, that may mean one or the other of you is lying down and there isn’t any more time to spend together.

If you try to keep this up, day in and day out, you will very quickly find your marriage is unsatisfying. Parenting is for the long haul. If you don’t take care of your relationship now, while your children are little, you won’t have a relationship when your children are ready to leave home.

You must find a way to spend at least 20 minutes a day to share with your spouse something from your day. (Don’t use it to try to solve any issues! Just share your life.) Hold hands or cuddle while you talk. Stay focused on each other. This can be a lifeline for your relationship.

Once you have been able to get into this pattern, find a way to have a “date” at least once a month. This does not mean an expensive night out, but it does mean away from the children and other responsibilities.

You will have to have someone else watch your children for you. Perhaps you can swap date nights with another couple who have children too. Sometimes there is an older single friend who would love to have time with a baby or small children in exchange for a home cooked meal with your family at another time.  Grandparents often are craving some time with the grand-kids and would be happy to watch them for a couple hours for you to have a date. You may have to be creative, but it is worth the effort!

I would really like your feedback. How do you manage time alone with your spouse? What works and what doesn’t work?

New Year Goals

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It is January 1, 2019. The old year is finished, whether well or poorly. The new year is a new opportunity for you and your spouse and your children. I got this article by email and wanted to share this good advice with all the couples who receive these emails.

Are your goals for 2019 as useless as a to-do list on your hand?

The following article is from The Gottman Institute. I hope you will take a few minutes to see how you and your family can build a stronger, better, and happier family in 2019.

“Unfortunately, New Year’s Resolutions are almost synonymous with poor follow through—about 80% of resolutions fail by the time mid-February comes along.

For couples, setting goals to improve their relationship may not be the first thing that comes to mind at the turn of the calendar year. But being intentional about improving communication, trust, and satisfaction can yield significant positive change. This is true for couples in both healthy and unhealthy relationships.

The challenge, then, is to understand why relationship-related New Year’s Resolutions (and goals in general) so often fail.

Consider these common reasons

  • Goals are not in line with individual values. If the goal doesn’t enhance each person’s sense of self and authenticity, then it won’t enhance the relationship, either.
  • Goals are too big. It’s easy to give up on goals if they’re large and intimidating. By chunking them down into small actionable steps, it’s easier to stay consistent with them.
  • Goals are not measurable. It’s fine to say, “We want to communicate better.” But if the goal is left there, how will the couple truly know whether and when it’s been achieved?
  • Goals need to be specific and created in a way so it can be intuitively measured or identified.
  • Goals only focus on the short-term. Couples should regularly evaluate their six month, one year, five year, and 10+ year visions—as a couple and individuals. This helps bridge the gap between short-term and long-term success.

The following suggestions can be used to jump-start your goal-setting session for the new year. These goals reflect specific and measurable actions which can truly enhance communication, trust, and overall relationship satisfaction.

Stay screen-free during meals

This means no phone, no social media, and no television, whether eating at home or while dining out. Why is this so important? Research shows that “phubbing,” which is “the act of snubbing someone in a social setting by looking at your phone instead of paying attention,” leads to lower levels of relationship satisfaction. Be present.

Schedule a weekly date

It’s easy to let a busy schedule take over your life. Couples who make time for quality time with each other create wonderful opportunities to bond. Plan for major holidays (Valentine’s Day, Mother’s/Father’s Day, etc.) as well as new and novel activities (trips to a museum, new restaurants, sporting events, day hikes, etc.).

Plan a vacation

Research shows that planning a vacation brings as much joy (if not more) than the actual vacation itself. And preparing for a trip requires cooperation, saving, and creativity.

Volunteer together

Working together to serve others is a powerful bonding exercise—and sets a good example for children, as well.

Read books together

These can be books specific to relationship-building (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman is a fantastic choice) or any other genre that both people will enjoy.

For a relationship to thrive, partners need to be committed to strengthening the shared bond. To this end, setting relationship-based goals can be extremely effective.

In addition to setting goals together, couples should employ strategies to help hold each other accountable. Examples include weekly scheduled check-ins, scheduling events directly on calendars, or even fun little incentives, such as a meal out or gifts to each other.

Not only will this foster a loving and meaningful relationship, but it will also enhance the well-being of both people involved.”

Get Grateful

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As we’re getting ready for Christmas, it is a great time to focus on instilling in our children how to express gratitude.

When I see a young person with an entitlement mentality, I can foresee an unhappy life ahead for them. If they think that everyone owes them something, they will not be satisfied with what they have and will expect others to make them happy. This is a very sad way to live.

Amy McCready, writing for Today.com, says the Greater Good Science Center reports that gratitude actually blocks toxic emotions even as it allow us to celebrate the present. Grateful people are more stress-resistant and have a higher sense of self-worth.

We may not realize when our children are small, how important training them to say, “Thank you,” will be to their future happiness. Ways to express our gratitude grow as we mature. So, why not begin today to teach your little one ways they can express their thankfulness. What starts as a habit will become a way of life that is fulfilling and pleasing to everyone they associate with.

As preschoolers, we can teach them more than just saying, “thank you,” at appropriate moments. Here are Amy’s suggestions:

  • Create a thank-you. When your young kids receive gifts, they should be expected to create and send a thank-you picture or short note within one day (or at the rate of one or two thank-you’s per day).
  • Be polite to Mr. Bear. Role-play using good manners and saying “thank you” using stuffed animals and action figures.
  • Pick your top 3. At dinner or bedtime, take turns sharing the three best things about your day. 
  • Commit it to memory. Find and memorize thank-you prayers, songs or poems.
  • Make a different kind of gift list. Write down the things (preferably handmade) your preschoolers would like to give friends and family as holiday gifts.

To read more of Amy’s article and suggestions for older children, see: Get  Grateful!

To read about gift buying and how to involve your children in giving, see: Gift Giving

My prayer for you is a holy and joyous Christmas season filled with love.

Introducing The Couple and Baby Class

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This has been an exciting and busy month for me. The Couple and Baby Class is up and ready. This is my newest venture. If you have been receiving the First Steps or Next Steps bulletins for any time, you have seen my passion to help young couples build strong marriages and be great parents.

The Couple and Baby class is designed for husband and wife to take together sometime after confirming pregnancy and before the baby is six months old. (Of course, it can be taken at other times, but this is the optimum time.)

Since marriage is about husband and wife, and pregnancy takes both participating, parenting will also work best with both involved. The Couple and Baby Class will help both Dad and Mom to live well with each other through the ups and downs of pregnancy, make the most of delivery and immediate post-natal time, and raise a baby through childhood.

The class is free of charge. This is not a money making scheme for me. It is valuable information and will make a great difference in the lives of those who take the class. I want as many couples as possible to take this class. It will help them build their marriage to withstand the stresses of parenting through pregnancy, newborn, and childhood. Couples will learn how they can have a strong, happy, good marriage for life. Because they are stronger and have the tools to deal with conflicts, their children will be more secure and have the benefits of growing up in a healthy family.

The class is on-going. That means couples may begin at any time. The class may be completed quickly or paced out over a few months. It is meant to fit into your life-style and schedule. Each of the ten classes is designed to take about an hour to complete.

Even if you have gone through more or less of the baby to preschool years, you may benefit from some of the lessons and you could contribute comments or help with discussions that come up from younger parents.

If you have friends, colleagues, or family members that you think would benefit from joining the class, please recommend they join the class. You may pass on this link: The Couple and Baby Class

Let’s Begin: Lesson 1

I welcome any comments or questions you may have about this new venture. You may write to me by replying to this email or at: Diane