Your Child's Journey

wisdom for the big steps little children take

You are here: Home / Archives for Diane Constantine

Are You a Toxic Parent?

By

mom and son yellingIn an article by Theresa Edwards, she asked, “Are you a toxic parent?” She had interviewed four mental health and relationship experts about parental behaviors that have the potential to damage their children and their relationship with their children.

Now I don’t expect any of MY readers could be harming their children either directly or indirectly. But I’m sure I’m not the only one who worried that maybe I wasn’t parenting in the best way possible.

Here are some ways you may be hurting your children or your relationship with your children.

Yelling at your kids too much!

I’ve had more than a few of you mention that you know you yell at your kids too much. If this is something you worry about, think about these things.

  • Are you overwhelmed and out of control? What would it take to reduce your burdens so you have the reserves you need to deal with your children more calmly?
  • Are you overtired? When was the last time you got enough sleep? How can you make this happen more regularly?
  • Are you copying the parenting style you were raised with? Just because your parents’ yelled at you doesn’t mean you can’t learn a better way to communicate with your children.

You express your fears to your kids!

We may have a real fear of something we have not yet overcome. Fear becomes toxic when we model unreasonable fear or look to our children to help us deal with things that frighten us. We are the parents and need to find ways to deal with our fears. Passing our fears onto our children will hurt them in the long run.

Some moms are terribly afraid of spiders. If they scream and run every time they encounter a spider, their children will likely adopt their own fear of spiders. If moms realize they are much bigger than the spiders and surely can hit them with something and kill them, their kids will learn there are good ways to overcome fear.

Living Your Dreams and Aspirations Through Your Kids!

Some parents try to get their kids to fulfill their unmet goals for themselves. Maybe they had to work as a shopkeeper when they really wanted to be a scientist. They push their children to take the science stream and to become the researcher they weren’t able to become.

We should seek to know our kids’ strengths and weaknesses. We should give them opportunities to discover their own interests and desires. And as believers in Jesus, we should seek God’s will for our kids’ future. We need to allow our children to become the person God wants them to be not just the fulfillment of our dreams.

Binding Instead of Bonding

Binding is when we say or act like, “I’m your mother and you will do as I say!” Bonding, on the other hand, is cultivating a relationship through shared experiences. In this case we say, “I’m your mother and I will always love you. I have your best interests at heart.”

Some Indicators of Toxic Parenting:

Sometimes we just really can’t see that we are doing anything that will hurt our kids. If you see these indicators, you should look at the way you parent and take action to make some changes.

  • Your kids say, “You never listen to me.” Are you taking the time to listen to your kids? Are you hearing more than their words to what is really bothering them?
  • Your kids complain about the same thing repeatedly. Are you letting them know you are finding a way to deal with these concerns?
  • You find yourself constantly blaming others for the upsets in your home. What part are you playing in these upsets?
  • When you see your children behaving like you and you don’t like it. It is time to correct your own behavior before trying to deal with theirs.

Our goal is to be the best parents we can be for the children we have. Most of the time we do quite well.

But if you see you really are being “toxic” in one of these ways, seek help to make the needed changes. Don’t ignore these warning signs and don’t think they will improve on their own. It is not shameful to ask for help. It is shameful to know you need help and not to ask for it.

Please write to me with your comments or questions: Diane

You can see Theresa Edwards’ article at: Sheknows.com

Toys. . .Free or Inexpensive

By

egg carton sorterBaby and children’s toys can really get expensive. Kids’ attention spans are short. So, trying to keep them in new and interesting toys can get to be a very expensive proposition.

My goal for this newsletter is to provide you with some ideas for free or inexpensive ways to keep your kids playing and learning. These are not ‘babysitters,’ but rather ways families on a budget can still give their kids the advantage of stimulating creativity and learning.

Choose a drawer or box that your little one can find new toys in every few days.

  • If your drawer is in the kitchen, you may put a small pot and lid, plastic bowls that nest, a wire whisk, wooden spoons of different sizes, colored plastic cups, measuring spoons, chopsticks, a muffin pan, cookie cutters, etc. Keep changing what’s in there to keep them interested in exploring.
  •  A box in your sitting room may have a stuffed animal, a net ball, scraps of fabric with different textures, elastic and string, a small pillow, a picture book, a box of blocks or dominoes. Replace these with new things often.
  • Girls love a box full or old clothes, hats, shoes, and scarves to play ‘dress up.’

Make an obstacle course out of chairs, tables, sheets, and pillows for indoor fun. Take walks outside and use curbs for balance beams, stepping stones or cracks in pavement for agility in skipping, jumping, and hopping. Use sidewalk chalk to make a path that will challenge your child’s large muscle skills.

box fortKids love to make a fort out of old packing boxes. The boxes appliances come in are their favorites.

Make a busy board out of things around your house or bought inexpensively from dollar stores or hardware stores. Here’s a great example: Handsonaswegrow.com

Read a book to your little ones. They may want you to read one book every day for months or read a new book every day. Buying new books is good when your child is still putting everything they hold in their mouth, but as they get to be toddlers and preschoolers, you can use library books or used books. It is helpful if you can trade kids’ books with friends or play group buddies. eBooks are an option too, but don’t have the added benefit of teaching how to handle books nicely.

Finger plays and action songs are a great way to teach pre-reading skills and cost nothing. Here are some great resources for these fun songs and rhymes.

If you cannot afford an expensive erector set, you can challenge your child’s building creativity with popsicle sticks, pipe cleaners, wooden clothes pegs, and rubber bands.

You can keep a toddler busy with an empty water bottle and cut drinking straws or small pompoms to put in and pour out. Pompoms of different colors and sizes can be sorted, picked up with tongs and put into containers.

For 70+ homemade toys you can make for your kids, see: Happy Hooligans Also, see my Pinterest board for Toys – Free or Inexpensive.

You can make a homemade version of many of the fun stuff kids love to handle:

  •  Playdough that is safe to eat and cheap to make. For playdough that can keep for up to 6 months, try this recipe: fun.familyeducation.com
  • For recipes for homemade foam, water beads, fizzy slush, pretend snow, colored melting ice, slime, sand foam and more, see my Pinterest board for sensory activities.

For more on toys and the importance of play see: Toys and Play here at Your Child’s Journey.

Please share your ideas by adding a comment to this post.

What Kids Want Most

By

Please take a minute or two to watch the short video. It is eye-opening!

Who would you most like to eat dinner with?

Did it surprise you as much as it did me? Research shows that as long as a child’s basic needs for food, clothing, shelter, and safety are provided, children want and need most the love and attention of their parents.

Kate Schweitzer says, “What your little one really wants is something that doesn’t cost you a cent but is perhaps more difficult to provide than anything you can put on your credit card — it’s your time. Between long hours at work, endless chores, and the allure of digital distractions, what should be the easiest thing to give is, these days, the most difficult.”

Becky Mansfield at YourModernFamily.com said many of the children in her study wanted their parents to be less stressed and less tired. I think that is getting closer to the root of the problem.

All of us love our children and want to give them our attention. But! That takes time and planning and concentration.

When we have spent the day at a busy job, we’re tired and stressed. We don’t give our best attention when we are exhausted. Getting home, fixing dinner, making sure everyone has what they need for tomorrow makes us less gentle and patient with our kids.

Becky had some very practical tips to help us be less stressed and more able to give the time and attention our kids want. Here are some of her suggestions:

  • Get on a schedule. This takes some of the stress out of your day because you know what you need to do.
  • Have your kids help with your chores. This lessens your load and teaches them valuable lessons.
  • Get everything ready the night before to make mornings less hectic. Get a better start to your day.
  • Limit your “online” time. If everyone limits their online time, there is more time to share together.
  • Simplify your laundry and cooking chores. Get everyone involved to streamline the process.
  • Laugh! Find ways to have FUN with your family.

Read more from Becky on What do kids want most from their parents?

A Sincere Apology

By

Child-apologizes-resized-400x173I read an interesting blog post in AFineParent.com, written by Jennifer Poindexter. It was 5 Simple Ways to Teach Kids How to Apologize Sincerely.

She did a good job of explaining how to teach our kids to apologize sincerely without forcing them to say the words, “I’m sorry,” as a get-out-of-jail-free card. But as I read through the steps, I wondered how many parents actually know what apologizing sincerely means. If adults have trouble saying we’re sorry and meaning it, how can we teach our children to do it right.

She tackles the problem of our own pride first. How can we possibly teach our children to humble themselves and apologize if we don’t know how to humble ourselves first?

We may have trouble saying we’re sorry if we feel like we had the right to act as we did. Maybe it was our right, but did we exercise that right in a wrong way or with a wrong attitude? I’ve had to say to my children, “What you did was wrong. I was not wrong to correct you for that. But I was angry and I corrected you in the wrong way.” Wow, that is humbling, but it is the necessary first step to getting back on a good footing with our kids.

Even while we struggle with pride, we can still teach our children. They learn how to overcome their pride as we tell them how we deal with our own pride. We can tell our children it is hard for us to say we’re sorry, but we know it is good to recognize our own mistakes and do our part to make things right.

When we genuinely apologize to our children, they get to feel the healing power of those words. When they know how it feels, they will be more willing to follow our example instead of muttering or grumbling the word, “Sorry!”

Jennifer’s second step is to help them sort out emotions involved. To sincerely apologize we need to recognize the emotions of the one we offended as well as our own. Children, and a lot of adults, have a hard time putting a name to emotions. Helping them identify the feelings can help them understand the need to apologize.

We can help them to know the emotions they feel are OK for a short while, but they need to deal with them and move forward.

If this is your problem, stop the next time your emotions are bubbling up and your words start flying out your mouth. Take a few minutes and sort through what just happened and how it made you feel. Admitting you have those emotions and deciding how to act will help you respond better in the future.

Her third point was to allow them to make the choice to apologize. Wow, how many of us hold our mate’s or our friend’s feet to the fire if they don’t apologize as quickly as we think they should. We may have been forcing apologies from our kids and yet giving our husband or wife the silent treatment until they say the words. An apology cannot be sincere if it is demanded before they are ready.

Her fourth point is that an apology is not a get-out-of-jail-free card. An apology doesn’t un-do what happened. When we’ve hurt someone with our words or actions, the apology in itself doesn’t take the hurt away. But a genuine apology lets them know we realize we’ve hurt them and we will try really hard not to do that again. So our words help to heal the hurt.

Jennifer’s final point is that we need to teach the Golden Rule. It is such a powerful relationship builder and maintainer! It is much easier to be sincere in our apologies when we truly think about the way we would want to be treated. She says, “Ultimately, that is the only way to get our children to realize the full weight of their actions and to feel remorse that will make them want to apologize.” Is the Golden Rule the foundation of your relationships?

We have done quite a bit of marriage counseling over the years. I think the most common reason for marital breakdown is unforgiveness. So many couples could forgive more easily and more quickly if the offending party knew how to apologize sincerely. I trust this will not be a problem for you and your spouse! Let’s practice genuine apologies while we teach our children how to apologize sincerely.

Ways to Encourage Honesty

By

I read an article this month by Amy McCready, writing for Positive Parenting Solutions . In her article on seven steps to encourage honesty, she reported that lying is a developmental mile marker. “When your preschooler starts lying, it’s simply a new developmental milestone, according to research by Kang Lee, a University of Toronto professor and director of the Institute of Child Study. This shift signifies changes in the way your child organizes information. It’s a normal step, so you don’t need to worry about your little one becoming a pathological liar.

Though it’s a normal stage of development, we still want to know how best to deal with this misbehavior so that it doesn’t continue. Amy says, “[Children] want to avoid punishment, disappointing their parents or an unpleasant outcome. Would you be honest if you knew it would cause you humiliation, a lecture, a punishment or being yelled at?

“And naturally, when our kids blatantly lie to us, we want to punish them to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Unfortunately, that’s exactly what happens – when we punish kids for lying, they’ll keep doing it in the hopes of avoiding any future punishment. So if we can’t punish them, how do we put a stop to the lies? Keeping in mind the reasons why kids lie, we can create an environment where they feel safe telling the truth. The following seven tips can help you make your home a more honest place.”

Here are her seven steps. To read the entire article go to: Seven Steps to Encourage Honesty in our Kids and Put an End to Lying.

  1. Keep calm and parent on. If your kids worry about being yelled at or punished when they mess up, they won’t want to come to you with the truth. Focus on using a calm voice. That doesn’t mean kids are off the hook for lying. But instead of getting angry and assigning blame, discuss solutions to the problem with your child.
  2. Don’t set up a lie. When we ask questions to which we already know the answer, we’re giving our children the opportunity to tell a lie. Instead, emphasize ways to address the situation. Ask questions like: “What are your plans for finishing your work?” and “What can we do to clean this up and make sure it doesn’t happen next time?” This can help head off a power struggle and allows your child to save face by focusing on a plan of action instead of fabricating an excuse.
  3. Get the whole truth. Get to the root of the problem and why she couldn’t be honest. Open up a conversation gently, saying, “That sounds like a story to me. You must be worried about something and afraid to tell the truth. Let’s talk about that. What would help you be honest?”
  4. Celebrate honest. Say something like: “I really appreciate you telling me what really happened. That must have been difficult for you, but I really appreciate you telling the truth and taking responsibility.”
  5. Delight in do-overs. Turn the mistake into a learning opportunity. Ask, “If you could have a do-over, what would you do differently?” and brainstorm different ideas.
  6. Show the love. Let your kids know you love them unconditionally, even when they make mistakes. Make sure they know that while you don’t like their poor behavior, you will never love them any less because of the mistakes they might make. This helps your kids feel safe opening up to you.
  7. Walk the talk. Remember that your kids are always looking to you and learning from your actions. Those little white lies we tell, whether it’s to get out of dog sitting for the neighbors or helping with the school fundraiser, aren’t harmless – they’re showing your kids that it’s okay to lie.

Some of these principles we have highlighted many times before. But it is always good to review them in light of specific parenting situations we face.

Many of your children are not yet to the stage where they lie, for you, being forewarned may keep you from increasing the likelihood of more lying when it begins. For those of you who have already detected your children in lies, hopefully this and other articles will help you to discover the root cause of the lies your children tell.

A Better Way to Stop Lying is a previously published article on Your Child’s Journey that you may find helpful too.