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More Peace

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We live in such a busy, noisy world. There are so many demands on our time, strength, and attention. Very quickly we can go from deep concentration on a serious issue to the mundane, urgent need to change a poopy diaper. The whiplash can make us cranky. When we’ve cleaned up one mess after another all day or come home from work to find the house looking like a bomb went off in it, anger can tinge everything we say.

Lately my attention has been drawn to a few different means to find more peace in our lives.

The first had to do with eastern meditation and the idea of centering. It involves getting still and being aware of breathing and goes on from there to emptying oneself. Claiming to be a religiously neutral method of relaxation and rejuvenation, its goal is to find God within our own beings, since god and self are really one. The method involves meditation to suspend rational patterns of thought. Though the practice of yoga and other eastern religions may give a semblance of peace, they don’t deal with our need for a relationship with God.

Then I was reading about Ignatian meditation. This is a Christian practice of reviewing one’s day with the intention of detecting and responding to the presence of God throughout the day. This is a wonderful way to begin to see God’s interaction with us in everything we do. Over time we build a history with God. This leads to very practical spirituality.

Then I read a parenting blog by Megan Headly, that talked about the practice of mindfulness. This busy mom saw how important it was to be aware of herself, her children and her reactions to them. She is moving from an irritable, impatient mom to a more patient, thankful mom and her children are also becoming more peaceful since they don’t have to fight for her attention.

Here’s what I see as important to take from these practices.

When we are harried and irritable, a few minutes of quietness and calming would be a great first step to changing our attitudes and the atmosphere of our homes. Even if we have to find our few moments of peace while we’re using the bathroom or running the water to wash a sink full of dishes, purposefully using those moments to get quiet and step back from the fray is helpful.

Making a habit of becoming aware of our surroundings and the interactions of the people around us is a next positive step. When our children are fighting, stepping back and listening may help us to see what the deeper issue is. It may keep us from over-reacting or becoming a loud-mouthed referee. When there is a beautiful flower or lovely cloud formation we stop to admire and call the attention of others to nature around us. By practicing awareness to the present, we will teach our children to respond instead of always reacting to the situations they encounter.

Then taking stock at the end of the day gives us a chance to learn from our experiences and not just run headlong from one crisis to another. Taking time to be aware of God, His character and care for us is the first step. Thanking Him for specific joys and gifts during the day is next. Follow this by reviewing the events of the day. Think about what occurred, how you responded, what you could have done differently, and how God was a part of those events. Finally respond by talking with God. Confess how you fell short of what would please Him and ask His forgiveness. Seek His wisdom, strength and provision for the coming day. Rest in His presence and experience His love for you.

None of us will be perfectly calm all the time, but all of us can grow in our ability to recognize God throughout our day, respond positively to what we encounter, and being thankful to God. As we do, our children will be blessed and our homes will be more peaceful.

To learn more about Ignatian meditation you may go to: The The Examen and Megan’s blog is called afineparent.com

Happiest Families

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I read Eric Barker’s post 6 Things the Happiest Families Have in Common. I’d like to take his ideas and personalize them.

Have a mission statement

The happiest families have a mission statement. Another way to describe a mission statement is a set of goals the family is reaching for. It is very hard to know if we have done well, if we don’t know what the goal is. Having goals, we can periodically assess our progress and make adjustments to more nearly meet our goals. Or we may decide a goal has been reached or is no longer important and make some new goals.

You may need to take some time as parents to think and pray about what are your values and what goals you want for your family. You may make several goals as your mission statement. To help you get started, try completing the following statements.

  • “We want our family to be. . .”
  • “We want to be a family that. . .”

You may decide you want your family to be supportive of each member developing their talents. Or, you want to be a family that reaches out to those less fortunate than you are.

Share your family history

The happiest families tell and retell the family history. Grandparents and aunts and uncles tell stories from their childhood and even what they heard from their grandparents. Tell the good things to instill hope for success. But also share the tough times and how the family came through the crises. What did family members do that was praiseworthy? What has set your family apart from others?

When children know they are part of a family with a history, it can give them confidence to stand in times when they have to be different than the culture around them. They can say, “I’m a famly name, and our family doesn’t do things like that!”

Weekly family meetings

Many of you don’t have children old enough to have a family meeting. For you, it might be wise as parents to have a weekly meeting together and answer these questions for yourselves and with your little children in mind.

For those of you with children old enough to take part, set aside about 20 minutes once a week to give everyone a chance to answer these questions.

  • What worked well this week?
  • What didn’t work well this week?
  • What will we agree to work on in the coming week?

If the kids met the previous week’s goal, they get to pick a reward (with parent’s approval). If they did not meet their goal, they get to pick from previously agreed upon punishments.

Following this plan helps keep the goal before everyone’s minds. It also means you’re keeping short accounts and not adding to the list of failures week after week. There is much better chance of success if things are dealt with quickly and rewarded fairly.

How to fight right

Since no family can always escape fights between members, here’s a way to deal with fights where each one feels it is fair. When a fight breaks out:

  • Separate everybody to think about what just happened. This reduces the emotions that boiled over.
  • They get back together and come up with three alternatives. There must be three choices of resolutions.
  • They pick the one they like the best. This way everyone has a say and they have agreed on the solution. This keeps the parents from being dictators.

Family Dinner

With our busy schedules dinnertime may not work to get everyone together. You may choose any meal of the day when everyone should be present nearly every day. In most family dinners the amount of time for ‘real’ talk is only about 10 minutes when “pass the salt” and “get your elbows off the table” are excluded. In most families, the parents talk at least 2/3 of that 10 minutes. The happiest families turn it upside down and the children are the ones who talk 2/3 of the time.

Make sure everyone has a chance to say something to the whole family. They may tell about something that happened during the day, some news that others should know, or why they feel happy or sad.

Parents should teach one new word each day. Children who eat a meal each day with their parents are less likely to drink, smoke, do drugs, get pregnant, commit suicide, or develop eating disorders than kids who don’t eat with their family. They also have better academic achievement and fewer behavioral problems. So it is worth rearranging your schedule to include one family meal everyday.

Just Try!

Everyone wants a happier family. These are things that the happiest families all do. Will you succeed at all of them? Probably not, at least not all the time. But if you want to have a happier family, try to include these strategies into your family’s life. Just try! If you can’t do all of them, start with one of them. When you see that you can do that, try adding another.

Remember to pray for each member of your family every day. Bless your children as they begin and end their day. God will help you to set good goals and give you the wisdom you need to help your children grow to be the best possible version of themselves.

Eric Barker compiles information from many reputable sources to answer questions many of us have. You can receive his emails by requesting them at his blog, Barking Up the Wrong Tree.

For another article on finding fun in marriage see, Have Fun or Else!

Help for Kids with Irrational Fears

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Lisa C. Baker writes blog called, A Fine Parent.com. You can see her complete article at: Got Kids With Irrational Fears?

She begins the post with:

Don’t you think one of the most helpless and frustrating moments as a parent is when our kids have irrational fears, and nothing we say seems to make a difference?

It may be something common like the fear of darkness or monsters under the bed. Or something completely out of ordinary like the fear of ants, or everyday sounds, or imaginary little men living under the nightstand.

How can we help them overcome these fears?

For my daughter, it was an irrational fear of water. Even a splash on her leg from stepping in a puddle made her scream like she’d been cut with a knife. She ran away from dogs because she was afraid they would lick her. I could only bathe her with a sponge in a bucket in front of the TV to distract her. Once, she punched a one year old in the face because she was so afraid the baby would suck on its fingers and then touch her with wet hands.

Her 5 strategies are:

1. Validate your child’s emotions through empathy and calm confidence.

2. Reduce your child’s panic with mindful, sensory calming.

3. Challenge your child to test the edge of fear.

4. Spark your child’s imagination and creativity to challenge anxious thoughts.

5. Change your own thinking to match your child’s new found confidence.

She describes how she learned through trial and error and then with a book written by Lawrence Cohen called, The Opposite of Worry: The Playful Parenting Approach to Childhood Anxieties and Fears.

If your child is struggling with irrational fears, why not go to Lisa’s blog and read more about her strategies for helping her daughter deal with her fear of water.

If you, as an adult are struggling with fear, you may be helped by reading, Battle Against Fear

The Day My Son Gave Up on Me

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I have a guest writer for this month’s letter. Lauren writes a blog called, Oh Honestly! Please go have a look, she is willing to share the real life of a mother. Here’s her most recent post that touched my heart deeply.

Diane

Ever since our two sons began sharing a room, their bedtime routine has been the same. Baths, PJs, teeth, stories, cuddles. And every night as I leave their room, Eli always says, “Remember to come up, cuddle, and bring water!”

I head down the stairs with a quick, “Okay!” knowing full well that the likelihood of following through on that promise is next to nothing. The days are long, and by bedtime I’m ready for some downtime. Even then, I still need to finish cleaning the kitchen, pick up stray toys in the living room, and pack a lunch for my kindergartener before I can even consider sitting down.

Occasionally, after several minutes of quiet, the hollering will begin. Although it’s low at first, it quickly gains volume and frequency. “Mommy. Mooommmyyyy. MOOOOMMMMMMYYYY!!!”

So I stand at the bottom of the stairs and yell back in annoyance, “What??”

“Can you bring up water?”

“I’ll be up in a few minutes.”

I finish my current task, fill a couple of water bottles, and begrudgingly climb the stairs, annoyed that my ‘me time’ has been cut into. Quickly handing out the waters, I give one last round of kisses, and skedaddle on out of there as fast as possible, telling myself that my children need sleep. I’m just looking out for their best interests.

For over two years, some form of this scenario has played out nearly every night, which makes it all the more surprising that I didn’t notice when it recently changed.

I was cuddling with Samuel and listening with one ear as he told me his latest superhero tale while with the other I caught snippets of the conversation between Eli and my husband. ‘Mommy’ and ‘grump’ were the two words that stood out. I jokingly reached across the beds to tickle or pinch whatever flesh my hand could reach while crying, “Hey, who are you calling a grump??”

Not long after, I plopped myself in the living room chair beside my husband. As I settled in, he said, “Did you hear what Eli said? ‘Mommy was always grumpy when I’d call her to come back up to cuddle, so I stopped asking.’”

Immediately, I felt the old familiar weight of guilt drape itself over my shoulders like an unwelcome blanket on a hot day. I stood, dashed up the stairs, and rounded the corner into the boys’ bedroom. Eli had just dozed off. As I lay down on the bed, he stirred and I took the opportunity to whisper in his ear, “I love to cuddle you.”

He mumbled something back and drifted off again, arm around my neck, face pressed in close to mine, just the way he likes it. All was forgiven; the situation rectified.

But as I lay beside him, the true weight of his words hit me.

“I stopped asking.”

I never gave much thought to the way he perceived our nighttime ritual, always assuming my words and actions were inconsequential. Unbeknownst to me, however, my hurry to be somewhere else did not escape him, nor did my attitude. At some point he decided that it wasn’t even worth the trouble anymore.

Which makes me wonder what else he might eventually stop asking.

“Mommy, will you read to me?”

“Will you play with me?”

“Mom, listen to this joke!”

“Guess what happened at school today.”

“Will you watch me shoot hoops?”

“What do you think of this girl?”

“Can I talk to you about something important?”

And what will be my reply? What will be my attitude?

“In a minute.” That turns into three, four, ten, twenty minutes.

“I don’t have time right now,” mumbled in frustrated distraction.

“We’ll do it later.” And the pile of broken promises builds and builds.

My excuses may be valid and sometimes even necessary. Children need to learn patience and that sometimes something other than them must take priority. But it is my words coupled with my attitude, week after week, month after month, year after year: At some point maybe he’ll stop asking again, and it might be about something a lot more important than a glass of water and an extra hug.

So lately I’ve been giving longer cuddles at night and I’ve been making sure that when I say ‘Just a minute’, it really is just one minute.

My son gave up on me, but I realized it early enough to make it right. I shudder to think how life might turn out if I had learned that lesson too late.

Diane’s Comments:

I remember so well the ache of desire for a few minutes to myself at the end of the day. Oh what a relief to have my boys tucked into bed and oh my frustration when the process of getting them down dragged on longer than my patience.

I also know how very important it is to keep our word to our kids. My mom used to say, “I won’t make any rash promises.” I would groan, but I knew that she never wanted to break her word. I learned to trust her. Ah, moms, keep your word to your kids. It pays such big dividends as they become teenagers (yes, they will get there!) and even young adults. When we have to break a promise, they will know it was the unusual.

One last comment: Our kids forgive us easily when we admit having done wrong and ask for their forgiveness. It hurts our pride, but it teaches our kids how to admit their mistakes and how to make things right with others.

Thanks, Lauren, for sharing your story with us!

Blessings!
Diane

Read Aloud Every Day

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Huffinton Post reported: On June 24, 2014, the American Academy of Pediatrics issued its first-ever policy statement focused on literacy promotion, calling for pediatricians to advise all parents about the many benefits of reading aloud, which promotes literacy and social-emotional skills.

“Reading with young children is a joyful way to build strong and healthy parent-child relationships and stimulate early language development,” Dr. Pamela High, a pediatrician and professor at Brown University’s Alpert Medical School, told The Huffington Post.

“Even in higher-income families, many children do not experience the enhanced engagement and language-rich parent-child interactions, including book handling, print exposure and other early literacy experiences afforded by daily shared reading,” the authors write. “All families face issues of limited time, limited parental understanding of the key role of reading aloud and competition for the child’s interest and attention from other sources of entertainment, such as electronic media.”

“As for parents, High said they should remember the so-called ‘5 Rs‘ of early education: reading with their children daily as part of a set routine; rhyming, singing and cuddling with them throughout the day; establishing routines and regular times for meals and sleep; rewarding them for their efforts and successes to boost self-esteem; and developing relationships that are reciprocal and nurturing. Parents should make daily reading a part of their regular, set routine.”

So, Moms and Dads, take the time, make the effort to include reading books together as part of your daily routine with your babies and young children.