• Home
  • First Steps Bulletins
    • For Boys
    • For Girls
    • Unang Mga Tikang
  • Steps on the Way
    • Babies
    • Toddlers
    • Preschool
    • Kindergarten
  • Parent Tips
  • Resources
    • Teaching
      • Teach to Read
      • Teach Handwriting
      • Math Concepts
      • Teach Spiritual Life
    • Kid Friendly Recipes
    • Special Needs
      • Cerebral Palsy
      • Autism
      • Learning Differences
      • AD(H)D
    • When to Call the Doctor
    • Book Reviews
    • Interesting Information
  • Links
  • About
    • Copyright Statement
    • Terms of Use
    • Privacy Policy

Your Child's Journey

wisdom for the big steps little children take

You are here: Home / Archives for conflicts

Solvable vs Perpetual Problems

October 31, 2017 By Diane Constantine

Our last lesson was about accepting your spouse’s influence.

Accepting your spouse’s point of view does not mean you have to totally agree with them or do things the way they think it must be done. It does mean, however, you have to respect their opinion. You identify and empathize with your spouse’s point of view.

Solvable and Perpetual Problems

We need to be aware that not every problem is solvable. In other words, there may not be a way to come to agreement on many issues that you face in your marriage. There are Solvable problems and Perpetual problems.

Solvable problems are mostly irritants and annoyances that cause minimal frustration. These can be resolved because there is room for negotiating and compromise.

Perpetual problems on the other hand, are more intense and recur periodically. These problems usually have some underlying root for the conflict. They may have to do with personality differences, issues brought into the marriage, or the meaning attached to an action. Gottman’s research indicates as many as 69% of relationship problems are perpetual.

When perpetual problems resurface, we try to find the best workable solution for the time being. Knowing we cannot agree, we make a decision about our actions for the near future.

For example for years, my husband would want complete accounting for any money I spent while he was away on a trip. I was never careless with money, so I resented what seemed like his distrust of me. This was a perpetual problem. I tried different methods of keeping track of what I spent. These ‘solutions’ each worked for a while and then we’d have another argument.

Finally after many years, he told me he didn’t want to be that way. Just knowing he realized it was his problem and that he wanted to change, helped me tremendously. He had been very poor as a young adult and needed to watch every cent. He realized that it was no longer an issue. Understanding that, I was able to take his questions with more grace. And over time, he no longer asked at all.

Dealing with Perpetual Problems

So perpetual problems can have a temporary compromise. They will crop up again because the root problem has not been solved. Sometimes we just have to agree to disagree, but not be disagreeable about the issue.

Solvable Problem Exercise:

Categories of Disagreements

  • Household chores
  • Childcare
  • Diet, food or nutrition issues
  • In-laws and extended family
  • Recreation and having fun
  • Friends
  • Balancing Career and family
  • Handling stress
  • Other (please specify)

Instructions:

  1. Review the list of common disagreements. Choose just one area that you want to work on.
  2. Write a description of the problem you want to discuss.
  3. Discuss ways you could compromise to solve this problem.

Choose a relatively small problem that seems to have a solution. Don’t choose a perpetual problem, one that comes up over and over.

Example:

Topic: Childcare

Description: I am often late getting our child from day care. I never know exactly when I can leave work, but my car has the car seat. My husband gets off at the same time every day, but he always stops to pick up dinner on his way home. Maybe if we switched chores, it would work better.

“The next time your spouse makes a complaint, think about it as their way of communicating how important the issue is to them – not as an attack on you. Then, instead of getting defensive, identify the reasonable part of their request, and yield to win. By identifying and empathizing with your partner’s point of view, you are more likely to find a solution that honors both of you.” From The Marriage Minute- Yield to Win

Filed Under: All Ages, BBH Tagged With: conflicts, perpetual, solvable

Dealing with Conflict in Marriage

August 4, 2011 By Diane Constantine Leave a Comment

This month I’d like to explore some ways to look at areas of marital conflict. We have had several couples talk to us this month about difficult conflicts in their relationships, so I guess that has made this topic stand out.

When we have areas where we constantly clash or are offended, there is usually a deeper root. Since finding that deeper root involves opening up and being vulnerable, many couples never try. It is easier to grouse about the symptoms on one side. Or on the other hand, to bear the nagging of an annoyed mate rather than deal with the deeper issues.

Let’s peak in on one couple and see if we can discover some underlying causes and some possible adjustments that could make this marriage better.

[Read more…]

Filed Under: All Ages Tagged With: conflicts, marriage

search Site

Contact Me

Please ask questions or make comments by emailing me at: Diane

Topics

attitudes autism baby signing bi-lingual bonding breast-feeding breast pump character chores communication dad daddy development developmental delay discipline eating feeding food intolerance games hearing humor illness immunizations independence learning lies listening meltdown pacifier parenting play post-partum depression potty training preschool reading safety self esteem separation anxiety sleep stammering tantrums temperament time toys tummy time

My Sites

  • Diane's Blog My art and my blog and a window on my world
  • Facebook – Parent Tips Parenting Tips for babies and children.
  • Intermin My husband’s site for marriage, parenting, and choosing a life partner.
  • Peter's Wife My site for women living and working cross culturally
  • Pinterest Boards My boards with great links to subjects of interest

Copyright © 2025 · Lifestyle Pro Theme On Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in