Your Child's Journey

wisdom for the big steps little children take

How Can We Connect?

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I have been reminded this month of the importance of connecting with your children. Modern living fills our ears and eyes with so much information and uses up our energy getting from one place to another. Children who do not have time to spend with their parents miss out on the wisdom and values that are caught better than taught. Others can take care of our children, but they will imprint them with their own values and behavior.  So, the big question is, “How can we connect?”

Consider your work situation

Here are some things to think about.

  • How important is it that both parents work outside the home? Could you manage on only one income or is it possible for one parent to work from home? It may mean quite a severe cut of income, but could this be made up in savings from cooking more at home and having the leisure to shop for bargains?
  • If both must work outside the home, is it possible for one to work nearby so that they could eat lunch with the child or be able to cut the number of hours that a caregiver must be hired?
  • If both must work outside the home, it is vital that the caregiver is well chosen. That person or persons must have similar values and philosophy of parenting as you. They must have the strength and energy to care well for a very mobile youngster. The place where they care for your child must be safe and clean.

Ideas for Connecting

With the care-giving in place, here are some suggestions for ways to connect with your child.

  • Spend as much time with your child as possible. This does not mean time with your child AND your hand phone or computer. This means time you are playing with your child, or cuddling, or reading, or listening. (Quality does NOT make up for quantity. Both quantity and quality time are important!)
  • Let them share as much of your life as possible. Take them with you when you run errands. Find ways they can play in the same room where you are doing chores. Teach them how to help you with chores so you can work side-by-side as soon as possible. (Begin before the age of 2. This is when they still think it is FUN to help you.)
  • Read with your child every day. If you want your child to do well in school, begin with pre-reading skills by reading books together. Have them turn the pages and point to things you mention on the page. Ask them questions about what you read. Make noises and actions to explain anything they don’t understand from the story. Their vocabulary will grow along with their love of reading because this is connected with time and cuddling with you.
  • Each parent should take care of the children to allow the other to have some “Me Time.” It doesn’t need to be a long time, but should be often enough and for long enough to do something that is rejuvenating.
  • Plan enough time in the morning and again in the evening to make getting dressed fun time with you (both parents if at all possible) and your child. Don’t make it a chore you have to endure and get finished.
  • Find time every week what the whole family can do something together that everyone can enjoy. These activities change as baby becomes toddler and then preschooler. Also, the addition of another child changes the mix. But “Family Fun” is important for everyone. Don’t miss it!

There are so many other good ways to connect with your child! Please share your ideas by email Diane. I will compile your ideas and share them in a future post.

Benefits of Dad’s Involvement

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This month I thought it would be good to share some of the benefits of dad being involved with his children.

In the very early days after birth, dad’s caring for the physical needs of his baby is good for him, for baby, and for mom. He gains confidence in his ability to care for this tiny bundle and gets a good dose of attachment hormones just for holding and touching baby. If dad has been involved during pregnancy, baby already recognizes his voice. Tending to the physical needs helps baby attach to dad. Mom gets some needed assistance, time to rest and heal, and gains trust in dad’s ability to handle baby.

Some dad’s love to carry their baby in a sling. The rhythm of his movements and rumble of his deep voice are soothing to baby. Dad gets to show off his parenting skills and this will pay off in long term interest in his child.

Activities of daily living like: bathing, dressing, feeding and playing with baby, help mom believe family is a priority for dad. It builds baby’s trust that her needs will be met and helps dad know more of what is involved in 24/7/365 care of a baby. As baby begins to know the routines, he or she begins to look forward to dad coming home and play time with dad.

Dad plays differently with his baby and little child than mom does. Dad’s more physical play helps baby develop muscle control, strength, balance, and rhythm. Dad expects his children to try new things and experiment and find solutions. These are all skills that will help in preschool and beyond. Dad also doesn’t allow whining as much, so his children learn better ways to communicate their needs and desires.

Dad telling stories to his children helps them understand emotions, social situations, and tasks. Children want to imitate dad and telling stories is a great way to help them learn what is important to him.

Babies whose dad was highly involved with his children from infancy showed the following benefits:

  • Higher cognitive functioning at six months
  • Better problem solving skills as toddlers
  • Higher IQ scores by age three
  • More resilience in strange situations
  • More likely to be curious and explore their environment
  • Less prone to depression and have fewer negative emotions like fear or guilt
  • Have greater tolerance for stress and frustration
  • Are more playful, resourceful, skillful, and attentive when presented with a problem
  • Have higher educational achievement relative to their parents and are more likely to succeed in their work as adults.

Dads who were highly involved reported they:

  • Are more sensitive with their infants
  • Have greater marital satisfaction
  • Feel more self-confident as parents
  • Find parenthood more satisfying
  • Are more likely to feel happily married then and twenty years after the birth of their first child.

So mom, do all you can to make it possible for dad to have time with his baby and children. Allow him to become proficient in caring for his baby. (Remember he may figure out a better way to do some of the care. There is not just one correct way to do any of it.) If he is reticent to get involved, slowly but surely help him to find enjoyment in caring for his child.

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To see more of the articles on Marriage and Parenting, please go to The Child-Ready Marriage

Slime

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Ah what fun my sister had with her grand kids playing with slime.

Here’s her recipe.

1 CUP Elmer’s White Glue
1 CUP Water
Mix thoroughly.
Add a few drops of food coloring.  Blue is pretty!
Add 1 CUP Liquid Laundry Starch- Be sure to shake well before using. It settles out!
Stir until MIXED
Let sit 5 minutes
Begin to KNEAD until ready.
You may need to add either more glue or more starch until slime is just right.
“just right” means, that it does not stick to your fingers – but is not too stringy.  It should be “elastic” in texture.

Romance

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Here we are in February, the month we think about love and romance.

Some of you are just recovering from delivery. Love making may be the last thing on your mind, but you wouldn’t mind having a romantic date. It doesn’t have to be expensive to celebrate your love. In fact, if money is tight, extravagant gifts cause more worry than joy.

Why not take some time to think about a way you and your spouse can reconnect in a romantic way? You may not be able to leave the house, but you can let your mate know how very important they are to you and what joy they bring you.

Parenting babies or toddlers is full of distractions. These can squeeze romance right out of us. Unsettled disagreements cause tensions to rise. Disappointment over what our mate fails to do chills romance. When we have spent the whole day putting out fires it can be hard to spark romance. Many times though, if one of you begins wooing, the other will find there really is a little left to share. If not, make a date. Anticipation is a great aphrodisiac.

Some things to think about that will make romance more possible:

  • Forgive and not hold grudges. Take time to ask forgiveness or to talk about your grievances before you sleep. You’ll both sleep better.
  • Don’t let unrealistic expectations spoil your joy. Talk about your limitations and your expectations. Many are reasonable if we only take time to listen.
  • Keep up your physical appearance. Of course having a baby changes your shape. But we can comb our hair, put on comfortable, but pleasant clothes, and smile.
  • Stay creative in ways to romance your spouse!
  • Start each day with a kiss
  • Be polite
  • Give back rubs
  • Do what they want before they ask
  • Hold hands more often
  • Cuddle
  • Watch sunsets together
  • Say “I love you” frequently
  • Wink at them

Don’t bring the Facebook world into your relationship. Make your celebration yours and yours alone. You may think that having hundreds of friends ‘like’ your romantic post will thrill your spouse. But personal, caring, thoughtful words from you will go straight to their heart.

If you have the time, money, and way to do something bigger, by all means enjoy yourselves without guilt. But if you don’t, enjoy what you can have and let each other know how much you love them.

Here’s to creating a memory and starting a ritual of connection that you’ll never forget.

Preparing a Child for the Loss of a Loved One

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anxious boy grieving the loss of a terminally-ill family member

It’s tough to say for sure how your child will handle this kind of loss, especially depending on who the afflicted person is. Some kids actually handle the news better than adults — they might not truly grasp the situation ahead of time, and their tendency to live in the moment will prevent them from thinking too far ahead about it. However, the loss will have a significant impact on them at some point, and they’ll need your help moving forward.

One of the most crucial factors to keep in mind with children is the need to be honest. While there may be certain details you don’t need to give them — younger children might not necessarily need the explanation of the kind of cancer, for example — it’s important they have an accurate understanding of what’s going on. Use language they can understand, and simplify when possible. Answer their questions, and be prepared to go over things more than once. You might need to address things they’ve overheard from others, so be mindful of what’s said around them and be prepared to follow up.

Some children end up feeling somehow responsible for the illness of a loved one, especially if it’s a parent or someone else especially close to them. It’s easy for them to flash to an angry memory where they shouted an angry thought or “wish,” and come to the conclusion that they have actually caused the condition. Even if your child doesn’t say they are feeling this way, make sure they know in no uncertain terms that the illness is not their fault, and there isn’t anything they could have done to prevent it. Explain that sometimes, terrible things happen and wonderful people get sick.

Talk to your child about what’s going on regularly, even if they don’t outwardly seem to be very bothered by it. They might find comfort in creating a memory box full of photos, memorabilia, and other items that remind them of their loved one. Giving them a grief journal to write down their thoughts and feelings can also be soothing, whether it’s before or immediately following the passing. If your child seems to be struggling to cope or isn’t opening up to you, they might feel more comfortable speaking to an older sibling or another family member. Try not to get upset if this is the case — it’s possible that your child sees you coping with your own grief and doesn’t want to add to it. Let them know you’re always available to talk whenever they’re ready, and that it will never be a bother or inconvenience. Even if they don’t open up right away, it’s crucial to say the words so they know the door is always open.

Let your child be involved with visiting and caring for your loved one for as long as it’s appropriate. It may be tough for them to see that person, especially if they are visibly deteriorating, but it can be an important part of understanding and coping with the ultimate death. Give them the opportunity to say goodbye, especially if you become aware that time is running low.

Losing a loved one to a terminal illness is undoubtedly a bitter pill to swallow, but try to take comfort in the fact that their suffering will soon end. Lean on your family and friends, be open and understanding of how others feel, and do what you can to help everyone move forward.

Part of a much longer article from Neptune Society