Your Child's Journey

wisdom for the big steps little children take

The Midnight Baptism

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One dark and stormy night (oh, yes, I know that first line is overused), Jane (only an alias because none of us want to think we could be like this), lost it.

It had been an exceptionally trying day with her toddler, Terror (not his real name, but definitely the right name for that day). Everything he had touched got broken, spilled, or lost. Everything he had said all day was at maximum volume and with such urgency it couldn’t be ignored.

Jane, on the other hand, had tried every good parenting technique she had ever read about. When they all failed, she fell back on screaming back at him, trying to ignore his antics, and crying.

Jane had finally gotten Terror to bed and was just sitting down to a soothing cup of chamomile tea, when Terror called, “Mommy,” in a sweet, soft voice. Touched by the change in tone and volume, she decided to go see what he wanted. Surely, this would just take a moment.

“Mommy, I want some water.”

“OK, Honey, just a minute.” Off Jane trotted to the sink to get a glass of water.

Back by his bedside, “Here you are.”

Terror looked up and said, “I don’t want any water.”

Jane shrugged, she tucked Terror under his cover and said, “Good night. See you in the morning.”

She just picked up her cup of tea when she heard, “Mommy, I want some water.”

Annoyed, she got a glass of water and told Terror to drink up. He announced that he didn’t need any water.

She said, “Are you sure? I don’t want to hear you ask for water again.”
“No, I don’t want water,” he said firmly.

She went back to her now lukewarm chamomile; she collapsed on her sofa.
Not one minute later, “Mommy, I really do need water!”

She carried the water to the room. Looked at that smug little Terror. Held the glass over his head and baptized him!

When the screaming stopped, she didn’t even really mind remaking his bed and changing his clothes. She had had the last word!

When she got back to the living room, she began to weep, “I’m the most awful mother in the world!” Fortunately, her husband was there and on his best form. “You are the best mommy Teddy (his real name) could have! You have just had one of the worst days ever with him and you both survived! Tomorrow will be better. I love you. I love the mother you are to Teddy, and I’ll pray for you. God will give you the wisdom and the grace you need to be the best possible mommy for Teddy.”

What a guy! Sometimes a good husband is better than a whole pot of chamomile tea. And the next day was better.

Here are some things to think about:
Some days are just horrible days. Everything seems to go wrong. That’s life and everyone faces days like this sometimes.

Most children have bad days sometimes. Some have more than the average, but they are still normal.

Consider the cause:

  • Is your child physically well? Sometimes teething, an ear ache, sore throat, or rash is really the cause of the bad behavior.
  • Is there tension in the home? Contention between parents or other adults living with you will stir your child to be more troublesome than usual.
  • Are you preoccupied? Some one-on-one attention with the trouble maker will reassure him that you still love him and are there for him.

Some ways to deal with your ‘Terror’:
One mother knew she was getting too angry at her misbehaving son. She needed a time out. She took him to his room (knowing he was safe there) and told him he must stay there until they both calmed down. This was not rejection or punishment; it was a wise way to prevent a punishment explosion.

One time a teething baby cried so much and nothing had worked. To get a break from the screaming, his mom put him in his crib, closed the door and turned up the music. After a while she was able to go back and try again to cuddle and console her hurting baby. Again, knowing her limits, she took care of herself too.

Some experts suggest that you should never let a child cry like that; others say that letting them cry, if there is no other serious problem causing their discomfort, can be the only thing you can do. In this mom’s case she made a decision that helped her and her baby.

Take advantage of times when someone else can watch your child for a while. Don’t use those times for chores. Do what will really rest and refresh you.

Having a confidante, prayer partner, or friend that you can confide your anger and frustration to can make all the difference.

Pay attention to what your husband says about the situation. Sometimes he can see a solution that you can’t because you are too close to the problem.

Be ready to encourage another mom you meet that is having a horrible, no good, awful day with her child. It will make you both feel better. Midnight baptisms do give way to sunny mornings.

How Your Baby Raises You

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Baby PointingWe think of parenting as us raising our children. And that is true. But the opposite is also true. Your children raise you too.

Did your heart ever swell so much as when you first held that little baby in your arms? You laugh and cry and cannot stop looking at that baby’s face and hands and toes. It is love at first sight.

You may have wondered if you could ever love anyone enough to really lay down your life for them. But as you look down at that helpless, innocent face, you know you will do everything in your power to protect this child.

Then the wail in the middle of the night shocks you to your feet before your brain is even engaged. You leave your bed and tend to this squalling bundle of noise. You may groan and rue your loss of sleep, but you learn that someone else is more important than your demand for sleep.

Dad, this is for you. You find yourself holding a cute little volcano that erupts at both ends. That sweet little baby pukes all over your best suit. You thought you’d never be able to clean up body wastes. Your wife, the baby’s mom, would have to do that part. But she’s not home and you cannot stay in that smelly suit and soothe that crying baby. You figure out a way to get the baby cleaned up and calmed down. Then you get yourself cleaned up and the suit bundled for the cleaner’s. You may grumble about it to your wife, but inside you’re just a little proud to learn you’ve survived what you thought would be impossible.

You know that educating a child will be expensive and you’ve started a college fund. But then you discover how much baby diapers cost. And that is just the beginning. He grows so fast that those clothes that looked so big in the hospital look like doll clothes next to him now. He needs another wardrobe. Then the stroller and car seat, and soon that new car of your dreams slips down farther and farther on the wish list. You are learning there are responsibilities that change your priorities. You have learned to wait or amend your wishes. You, Dad, are growing up!

You’re tired and just want to curl up with a book or stare at some screen that does not cry, or poop, or anything. But you catch sight of your little one rocking back and forth on knees and hands. In spite of yourself, you find yourself on the floor coaxing her to crawl to you. You are learning the great thrill of tiny successes. You may have wondered why your sister couldn’t stop talking about every little thing her baby could do. Now you know.

Mom, maybe you feel you are less of a person since having your baby. You may be staying home to raise this child. You know, in your head, it is good for your child. Yet your world may feel like it has shrunk, excluding all but the closest friends and family. It may feel that way now, but you will be more of a person because of all your baby has taught you.

In fact, babies are some of the best teachers you will ever have. They can’t speak any words for a long time, but you learn nevertheless. You find new strength, resilience, and persistence. You know how to love more than you ever thought possible. You can empathize with people you wouldn’t have even noticed before. You see things that need to be done before being asked to help. You care if others are happy or sad. You have learned to wait to have your needs and wants satisfied. These lessons don’t all come easily or automatically, but they are worth the cost.

Get Your Child to Listen

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Mom yelling in megaphone“How many times do I have to tell you?” Do you find yourself saying this or at least thinking it often?

When our children are not doing what we tell them to, it is a good idea to stop and think about what may be causing this to happen. When we know the why, we can usually find a way to solve the problem. Sometimes our children have just gotten into the habit of not listening, but sometimes there is a different cause. Here are a few reasons your child may not be doing what you have been telling them to do.

The wide-angle lens
If your child is very easily distracted by noises or lights or even the sensation of a breeze on their skin, he may be experiencing his world through a wide-angle lens. These children are not purposely ignoring what you say. But they hear your voice as only part of the background noise.

For any easily distracted children, get down on their level, make sure you have eye contact and then tell them what you need them to hear.

Overwhelmed with Words
Some children cannot sort out the important from the extra words in a sentence. Many parents just talk too much, especially when they want their children to hear something. The more they say, the less the child hears.

For these children, make your directions as clear and to the point and in as few words as possible.

The Forgetter
Forgetters don’t remember what they were sent to do. It may be caused by a short attention span or it may be an inability to remember 2 or more items at a time.

For the persistent forgetter, be sure you have their attention before talking. Start with only 2 simple commands at a time. Hold up your index finger and say the first item and then the second finger and say the second item. Have the child copy your actions and words. When they can successfully handle 2 move on to 3 and gradually move to a longer list of directions.

Too Focused
These children get so involved with whatever they are doing that they really do not even hear you. They may look you in the eye, but their mind is still on their current line of thought. They may nod their heads and even repeat your words, yet not have heard your words.

For the overly focused child, you must set up routines. They must know that there are times to play and there are times they must do chores or other activities. Set a timer or remind them a few minutes before they must close down whatever it is that they are zoomed into. Don’t allow a game or electronic device to engage your child for too long at a time.

A few other things parents can do to be heard by their children:
Be Considerate. Don’t interrupt your children unnecessarily. If the request can be delayed, give them a reasonable time frame to complete the task.

Don’t repeat yourself. Children will get used to not listening because they know you will repeat yourself. They will wait till the very last moment to obey. Stop repeating yourself. When you know they have heard you the first time, if they don’t obey, let the consequences follow.

Use Consequences.

  • Let natural consequences occur whenever possible. “Since you didn’t put your shoes on, we are not going to the park.”
  • Use consequences that are related to the infraction. “You didn’t put your Lego away when I told you, so they are mine for 2 days.”
  • You can also have blanket consequences for not listening. “When you don’t listen the first time, you have chosen a time out.”

Our children must listen and follow directions in school. If they don’t, there are consequences. Should we expect less than teachers do?

When our children learn that they must listen to what we say, remember what they are to do, and complete the tasks in a timely manner, our homes will be more peaceful and enjoyable for everyone.

Nagging and Negotiating

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girl beggingThis article is not about your habits of nagging and negotiating, it’s about your kids’. However, they may have learned it from you in the first place. We may not even realize we nag or negotiate. When our kids don’t do what we say the first time we ask, we may begin a downward spiral.

When we ask our children over and over again, we are nagging. Nagging sends the message that we don’t really expect them do to what we say. Sometimes when they don’t comply, we begin to plead or negotiate for obedience. Children who are used to nagging or negotiating tend to wait until that ‘certain’ point when they know they must obey. We really must not nag or negotiate, as they can catch the habit and become very skilled at getting their way.

They discover how effective it can be in just one moment of weakness when we cave in and let them have what they want. It only takes once. From then on, they will try it on everything from a sweet before dinner to staying up a little later to expecting a toy every time they go shopping with you.

They will try it on every adult involved in their care. But if you observe carefully, you may see that they never try it with certain adults. Maybe they torment you and your husband, but never seem to do it at preschool. They may hassle your parents, but never nag your husband. Perhaps that adult knows the key is to never, ever give in. The kids know it and quit trying with them.

But any learned behavior can be unlearned. That’s the truth. It only takes consistency.

Amy McCready, at Positive Parenting Solutions, has a three-word answer that will stop nagging. She calls it, “Asked and answered.” Here is her example of how it works:

The concept is simple. When seven-year-old Daniel begs to dig a giant hole in the front yard and gets “no” for an answer, chances are he’ll be back in five minutes asking again – this time with a “pleeeeeeaase” just so you know he really, really wants to dig the hole.

Instead of repeating yourself or jumping in to a lecture, avoid child nagging by getting eye to eye and follow the process below:

Step One: Ask, “Have you ever heard of ‘Asked and Answered’?” (He’ll probably say no.)

Step Two: Ask, “Did you ask me a question about digging a hole?” (He’ll say yes.)

Step Three: Ask, “Did I answer it?” (He’ll probably say, “Yes, but, I really ….”)

Step Four: Ask, “Do I look like the kind of mom/dad/teacher who will change her/his mind if you ask me the same thing over and over?” (Chances are Daniel will walk away, maybe with a frustrated grunt, and engage in something else.)

Step Five: If Daniel asks again, simply say, “Asked and Answered.” (No other words are necessary!) Once this technique has been established, these are the only words you should need to say to address nagging questions.

So the next time your child tries to nag or negotiate for their way, try ‘Asked and Answered.’ It saves arguments, whining, and frustration. Try it and keep using it. When they have asked and gotten the same answer 12 times or more, they will retire the tactic. In a few weeks or months, they may try again, just remember, “Asked and Answered.”

For some other help on getting your kids to do what you want the first time you ask, please read what Dr. Leman says in, Have a New Kid by Friday:

Top 10 list of what it takes to discipline kids

Two techniques that work.

Screen Time

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dad-son-tabletThis month I found CommonSenseMedia.org is a very sensible site that answers parents’ questions about media use.

I will highlight some topics I found particularly appropriate for young children. There are many more questions answered on the site. I encourage you to look at the section that explores questions about screen time by age: https://www.commonsensemedia.org/screen-time/age/all

How much should my kids be using devices when they’re young?

Despite the great learning content within so much of kids’ media, it can’t completely substitute for learning that happens from hands-on, interactive engagement away from a screen. Try to find a balance between media and non-media activities so your kids can explore and learn from the world around them both on and away from the screen.

Is watching TV really bad for kids?

It depends on how much and what kind of TV. There are certainly plenty of wonderful TV shows for kids of all ages — and if you’re choosing high-quality, age-appropriate programs, minimizing exposure to advertising, and making sure kids have plenty of active and social time, you shouldn’t feel guilty about letting them watch some TV.

Here are the key things to consider when it comes to kids and TV:

  • Background TV. A constantly running TV can interfere with parent-child interactions, which kids need for healthy development
  • Bedroom TV. A kid with a TV in the bedroom watches a lot more TV and is exposed to more age-inappropriate content than a kid who doesn’t have a TV in his or her bedroom.
  • Parents who watch a lot of TV. Kids pick up their parents’ habits – and end up watching more adult shows.
  • Commercials. Kids under 7 can’t distinguish between make-believe and reality, which makes them especially vulnerable to advertising.
  • Age-inappropriate content. Overexposure to images of violence, sex, and alcohol and to harsh language not only can influence kids’ behavior; it also can have a long-lasting emotional impact.

Are there any helpful tips for turning off the TV without causing a meltdown?

  • Have a plan. Explain beforehand to your kid that he or she can watch a certain number of shows or for a specific time period. Let them know what to expect after the show, too.
  • Create a routine. Kids who know they have to turn off the TV before a specific activity (like dinner) can sometimes transition more easily.
  • Show your kids how to turn off the TV. They may enjoy practicing that skill, and it will give them some power over their situation, which they’ll appreciate.
  • Avoid back-to-back shows. If you’re using a streaming service, disable the setting that automatically plays the next show in a series.
  • Try giving a two-minute warning. Prepping kids for the inevitable works for some.
  • Turn it off and stick to your guns. Some kids react better when they’re not warned in advance that the show is ending — possibly because they’ve come to expect the fight.

Is it OK to let my kid play Minecraft for hours?

An open-ended building game with seemingly endless possibilities, Minecraft can be mighty engrossing. On the plus side, Minecraft can reinforce geometry concepts as it strengthens players’ thinking and reasoning skills, creativity, and even collaboration. The game has a strong, positive online community and even has an educational module teachers can modify for classroom lessons on different subjects. On the downside, as you’ve discovered, it’s a time suck.

Even “good” games can be played to excess, and homework, chores, family obligations, and real-world social activities can take a backseat when kids can’t — or won’t — stop playing. And even if your kid is learning from the game, other areas of life are important, too.

Help your kids self-regulate. Start by having a conversation about all their daily duties and figure out how much game time fits in. Create a calendar, have them set a timer, and reward them for sticking to the time limits. If you’ve tried this and want more control over their screen time, consider installing a parental-control program that lets you set daily screen limits for different programs.

Some other topics you might find interesting:

How much screen time is OK for my kid(s)?

Will my child be left behind if he doesn’t use technology?

What type of media is best for learning?

How can I help my kid learn with digital tools?

The good news is that, as parents, we can make a choice to consistently expose our kids to media that reflects our own personal values and say “no” to the stuff that doesn’t. There are so many great benefits to media and technology, including the potential to teach valuable skills. Doing research about TV shows, movies, or games before your kids watch, play, and interact with them will go a long way in helping them avoid the bad stuff.

There is much more on the site under the Parent Concerns tab. Please take time to explore for answers to your questions.