Your Child's Journey

wisdom for the big steps little children take

Turning Towards Our Child

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In The Relationship Account we focused on how mom and dad have positive connections that add to the happiness and success of their marriage.

Now the goal is to have positive connections with your baby or small child. In this article, I want to show how we turn towards our children and how to recover when we have let them get over-stimulated.

Turn Towards

Just as we have to recognize our mate’s approaches, we must see our baby’s and child’s approaches to us. Tears and wails are not your baby’s only appeals for connection. When your baby turns to look at you or reaches out with a wave to you or babbles, they seek connection.

As our children grow, we must recognize the different ways they reach out for our attention. Toddlers and preschoolers try to get our attention in many ways. Yelling, fighting with a sibling, and throwing something may be their last resort after trying many other subtler ways to connect with us. Seeing our children’s changing needs and responding in positive ways keep the relationship account growing.

Like our response to our spouse’s approaches, we must respond to our little one’s desire for connection. The best connections happen when we stop what we are doing and give our baby the attention they need. Eye contact, bathing, changing, and feeding all reassure a baby that they are loved. These are little deposits many times a day that build our relationship account with them.

On the other hand, we make withdrawals from the account just like we can with our spouse. Who among us has never ignored a cry, rolled her eyes and sighed heavily, or yelled at that darling child? It is a common experience. We love our child and want to be cheerful and always talk sweetly to them. But we live in a pressure cooker of time restraints, noise, and activity that wear us out.

Bonding and Building

We are made in such a way that we bond well with our baby as long as nothing interferes with the normal process. Bonding is the beginning of building a life-long relationship between parents and child.

To build on this foundation, parents need to consistently meet their child’s need for attention, affection, and care. Much is written about how to respond when a baby cries. Some say to never let a baby cry and others believe we should let a baby ‘cry it out.’ Gottman Institute research “shows that ignoring the child will only make the child insecure, hungry for affection, and clingy. The way to create a secure child is with responsive parenting.”

Extremes damage and distort. Petting and sweet talk when a child willfully disobeys teaches the wrong lesson. And never allowing baby to cry at all short circuits baby learning that when they express a need, it is met. We need a balance in our approach.

Over-Stimulation

To connect and build our parent/child bond, we want to play with our baby. This is good, but they are not always ready to play when we have the time to play. Babies will respond best to your approach when they are more alert. It is good to learn your baby’s cues to know the best times to play. (If you didn’t see the article on States of Consciousness, this would be a good time to review.)

Baby loves to play. And so much is learned about how the world works and about trust and independence through play. Play the game your baby is enjoying as long as he likes it. But when we try too hard or want to play with our baby when they are not ready, we can cause over-stimulation.

Babies give 100% attention and they have a very short attention span. These two factors mean they can quickly get overstimulated. So it is your responsibility to notice your baby’s signs of over-stimulation and help your baby self-soothe.

Baby Signals he has had enough

Baby signals he has had enough by looking away from whatever is in front of him. If you miss that, he may try to cover his face with his hands or try to push away. He will bunch up his forehead, arch his back and tense his whole body. A cry with a long wind-up before the wail is his strongest message that he is over stimulated.

It is not unusual for babies to get over-stimulated from time to time. It becomes a problem if it lasts for a long time or happens too frequently.

Recovering from over-stimulation

As soon as you notice signs of over-stimulation, help your child to calm down. Be a good example. Take a deep breath and relax yourself. Speak more gently with a lower pitch and volume. Back away from whatever was over-stimulating. If there was too much noise, gently pick her up and go to a quieter room. If there was too much light, dim the lights. If it was just too much play, stop and let her calm down.

Sometimes, especially if you noticed quickly and gave a break, your baby will look back at you or the toy very soon. He will make eye contact and may even smile. You will notice his eyes are alert and open, his breathing is normal, and his body is relaxed. This is the signal he is ready to play again. Don’t start again until you see he is ready.

When you help your baby calm down from being over-stimulated, you are teaching self-soothing. This is an important skill to learn. So even though your child occasionally is over-stimulated, good will come from it as they learn to self-soothe.

Practical Discussion

Take some time to talk with your spouse about over-stimulation.

  • Have you seen this happen with your baby or child?
  • Can you see any pattern to when it happens?
  • Is there something you could do to prevent it?
  • What helps your baby most to self-soothe?
  • Is your child able to recover more quickly now than when younger?
  • Make plans how to handle over-stimulation when it happens next time.

Another warning: Look for solutions and progress. Don’t use this as a topic for an argument. Work together to build your relationship with your baby. You are a team.

To read more about Parenting Together see: Playing Together

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The Relationship Account

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Developing and maintaining the satisfaction and happiness of our marriage is like putting money in the bank. When we make deposits in our relationship account, we build a positive balance. When we make too many withdrawals from our relationship account we soon have a deficit. All couples are happier when our relationship accounts are in the black, not in the red. But red numbers have their purpose too. They warn us to make some deposits or risk bankruptcy!

How do we make deposits in our relationship?

We have many opportunities every day to make deposits in our relationship account. Whenever we turn towards our spouse, responding positively, we add to our account. Most of our deposits are small, but like cents, they can mount up over time. Dr. John Gottman’s research shows that the key to keeping marriages fulfilling is three words: small things often.

Let’s look at some ways we can reach out for connection and ways we may respond. But first, some definitions. In the table below, approaches are the ways we try to create a moment of connection with our spouse. Responses are the different ways we show that we want to connect too.

Approaches Responses
A glance, a wink, a nod A smile, a wave, a flying kiss
A message A smiley face or short answer
Calling their name “What?” spoken pleasantly
A pat, a kiss, a hug A reciprocal physical sign of affection
Ask for help by word or action Offer to help
Express a need or desire Recognition and plan for fulfilling
Offering to help or do a chore Gratefully accepting

These were all positive responses to different kinds of approaches. Practiced consistently, they will all add to the happiness of your relationship. In other words, you get a richer marriage through investment.

How do we make withdrawals in our relationship?

We also have many opportunities to withdraw from the relationship account. Our negative response may be to turn away from our mate or to turn against them. Turning away will subtract a small amount, but turning against subtracts much more. Note that all of the reactions in the table below are negatives. The difference is the degree of irritation or outright hostility they express. Those on the left (turning away) are irritating. Those on the right are much more damaging.

Turning Away Turning Against
Not responding to our name being called Snarling, “What!”
Ignoring comments- too distracted to hear Answering with a complaint or criticism
Forgetting appointments with spouse Not making appointments with spouse
Getting discouraged Picking fights

Whenever we turn away from, or turn against our spouse, we hurt our relationship. It is not possible to make deposits in your relationship account if you don’t choose to turn towards your spouse when they send a cue for connection. When we notice too many withdrawals, we must move quickly to deposit time, attention, and action into our relationship.

Attention, Please!

We may be missing the cues our spouse sends us because we are not aware of their needs.

When we were courting, we took great pains to anticipate and see their needs. When a slight cloud crossed their face, we diligently searched out the cause and made the adjustments needed to bring the sunshine back.

After marriage, and especially after baby, we may get so busy and preoccupied that we miss the cues our spouse is sending. Now, instead of a cloud, it takes a thunderstorm to get our attention.

Time for Some Practice

Try our Expressing Desires Exercise to boost your positive connections and add to your relationship account.

A final note. All the information and the exercises in this article are based on professional research of thousands of couples. You can see more about that research by visiting this website: Gottman Institute
Learn more about Turning Towards Instead of Away with this Gottman article.

To read more on Healthy Marriage see: Relationship Disconnects.

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Affirm and Appreciate

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As you’ve probably already seen, having a baby adds lots of stress to our lives. When we’re tired and stressed, we become irritable. Irritable people say things they would never say when they are rested and happy. They also fail to say some of the nice things that make life more enjoyable. We’ll always have stress. And babies, as much as we want them and love them, add a ton of stress to our lives.  That’s why it’s important that we focus on, and work at, strengthening our love for each other, even in the stressful times. Building up our spouse pays huge dividends!

There are two great ways to ease stress and strengthen our marital bond: affirmation and appreciation. Affirmations are positive, true statements. These have a strong effect because they are spoken by one we love and are committed to. Appreciation is acknowledging what someone has done for us and showing we recognize their effort. Our goal this month is to try to replace any sharp, hurtful words with affirming or appreciative words. Now let’s look more closely at each of those qualities.

We deepen our friendship when we express and receive compliments. Affirmation and thankfulness are strong relationship boosters.

In some marriages, there is very little affirmation and appreciation. The inability to receive a compliment soon stops the flow of affirmation. Getting embarrassed, ignoring, or denying the heartfelt words hurts the giver. Do this often enough and your spouse will quit giving you compliments and affirmation.

On the other hand, you may find it hard to put your positive feelings into words. Your spouse could be dying to hear you say anything positive about them. With a little bit of practice and the genuine appreciation of your spouse, giving words of affirmation and thankfulness will come easier.

It is good to practice giving and receiving words of affirmation and appreciation. It is even better when it becomes such a natural part of your communication that you say and receive these words in very ordinary moments, doing ordinary tasks.

Time for Some Practice

Practice affirmation and appreciation with the Affirmation Exercise.

Affirmation is not just good for your spouse, it works well with your children too. See: Affirm Your Child

Here are some more articles that can help you understand the importance of affirmation and thankfulness:

Affirm Your Spouse
The Thankful Lover

To read more on Healthy Marriage see: The Relationship Account .

 

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Dads and Their Daughters

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Dad and Daughter pictureMy dad was my hero, my confidante, and my model of what a man should be and how he should treat women. Of course I appreciated my mom. But one of the best things she did for me was allow me to have a really good relationship with my dad. She wasn’t jealous of the time and attention he gave me and my sisters. She didn’t interfere and she never criticized him to us.

So what did my dad do that was so special?

He was hands on. Oh, he left most of the bathing and dressing of his daughters to our mom. But we knew we could crawl up in his lap for a snuggle whenever he was not working. He scratched our backs and we scratched his, for coin change. While we were little enough, he’d pick us up and toss us in the air. These flying lessons tickled our tummies and always won him a big sloppy girl kiss. He taught us to ride bikes.

He paid attention to us. He never left for work or returned home without a hug and kiss for each of us. He listened to our long tales and our dreams. He knew what made us each tick. He took lots of home movies and had movie night every so often so we wouldn’t forget special times we had together.

He was a gentleman. He treated us with respect, hugged and kissed us appropriately, and never talked dirty or cursed. I knew from very young, how a man should treat a woman and never had trouble discerning the wrong intentions of boys and young men.

That sounds like he spent all his time at home. He didn’t. He worked long hours as a commercial, retouch artist. He worked downtown, so he had a daily commute. So that he could work overtime without being away from home so many hours, he set up a ‘studio’ in his bedroom with all he needed to do his job. There were very specific rules about being in that room while he worked, so we didn’t spoil many hours of tedious work with carelessness. But, he loved for me sit on his bed and talk to him about anything and everything. He’d listen carefully, though his eyes never left his drawing board. Sometimes I’d think he hadn’t heard me because he hadn’t said anything for a long time, then he’d surprise me with a question or comment that let me know he not only listened, but was ready to help me with my little problems.

He encouraged me to not be timid but to try new things. He encouraged me whenever he saw me being tender and thoughtful of others. He encouraged me to ask for forgiveness when I did wrong and to forgive others quickly.

One of my favorite memories with my dad was our twice a year lunch and shopping trip. Once I was old enough to take the bus into town, I’d meet dad for lunch near his office. He would treat me to a grown-up meal with him at a nice restaurant. Then he’d escort me to one of the big department stores for me to spend the afternoon shopping with my spending money. We’d meet at the bus stop for the ride back home together. My dad was my first date!

So, dads, what can you do to raise your daughters well?

  • Spend time with them. You cannot really know them, if you don’t spend time with them.
  • Give them your attention and approval. Knowing that you noticed and that you approve, is great motivation to keep doing well.
  • Show them appropriate affection and touch. They will know a fraud instinctively then.
  • Listen to them early and often so that they will listen to you when it really matters.
  • Build her self-esteem with honest praise for her character and her hard work and her concern for others.

I liked this quote from Dr. Meg Meeker in Lifeway Men. “Don’t think you can’t fight her “peers” or the power of pop culture. Exactly the opposite is true. Yes, the four Ms—MTV, music, movies, and magazines—are enormous influences that shape what girls think about themselves, what clothes they wear, and even the grades they get. But their influence doesn’t come close to the influence of a father. A lot of research has been done on this—and fathers always come out on top. The effects of loving, caring fathers on their daughters’ lives can be measured in girls of all ages.”

Even if you are not the biological father of the girls you are raising, your influence is great on their development and character.

There are many articles on the internet about Dads and their daughters, but I like these three the best.

Another article on Your Child’s Journey about Dads:

 

 

Open Ended Questions

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open-ended-question-markI have just returned home from an intense two-day training called Bringing Baby Home. Sound interesting? It really was. I’m looking forward to sharing what I learned with you. Even if your baby is already born and you are past the, “wonder” of birth, you may be wondering what you have gotten yourselves into.

Did you know there is research about that? There is. John Gottman and his colleagues saw a trend in the research they were doing with couples. Within three years of a baby’s birth their research showed a severe drop in marital happiness with an increase in conflict and hostility. This led them to intensively study couples before, during, and after having a baby. That research enabled them to predict, with great accuracy, which couples would be happy and which would not. Based on these findings, Bringing Baby Home has proven to be very successful in increasing the number of happy couples. The babies of these couples learned better and were happier too.

Over the months ahead I will be sharing parts of what I have learned. Gottman’s findings confirmed what we have already been teaching about healthy marital relationships. The new information is how the addition of a baby affects the couples’ relationship and the effects this has on the baby long term.

I will be sharing ways to help you and your spouse cope constructively with the changes brought about with the birth of a child. Pregnancy and delivery are just the start of the journey into parenting. So no matter how far along that road you are, there are steps you can take to strengthen your friendship and improve the outcome of your conflicts.

Here are some of the reasons why the birth of a baby causes so much unhappiness when it should be the beginning of one of the happiest parts of your life as a couple.

  • Identities change- women are now a mother as well as daughter, wife, etc. Men are now a father as well as son, husband, etc.
  • Time must be spent differently.
  • Values change towards work, finances, free-time, etc.
  • Sex and intimacy change.
  • Communication often decreases or becomes more stressful.
  • Some fathers withdraw and some moms rely more on female relationships for support.
  • Sleep deprivation is common.
  • Exhaustion and depression add stress.

Gottman describes the couples who succeed in these adaptations as “masters” and those who fail as “disasters.”

The goal is to help you be among the masters at integrating your baby into your family life.

The concepts I will be sharing are important throughout a couple’s relationship. The motto of the teaching is “small things often.” We completely agree. There is no one big thing that will ensure happiness. It is the small acts of kindness, small acts of understanding, and small acts of conflict regulation every day that will make a difference over time. The goal is to incorporate these skills into your daily life. That will make positive changes in your relationship. These small steps bring larger rewards over time as you continue your journey through life.

For this month, the first step to deepening your friendship is to know your spouse better by being aware of and learning their likes and dislikes, preferences, daily activities, hobbies, life dreams and history. You may have known each other well before your marriage and even through the first year or so after the wedding. But we all change over time. We face new challenges, try new things, and have reasons to change our opinions. But many couples quit making the effort to keep learning about their mate. You must stay curious and reconnect often in order to build the basis of your friendship.

Time for Some Practice

Now try the Open Ended Questions Exercise . This should become a daily habit. Learn one small thing about your spouse each day. You will reap huge rewards for staying connected.

We’ll get to much more about dealing with conflict in the months ahead. For now, try learning some small thing often about your spouse. You will be building your foundation of friendship. Everything else we’ll discuss is built on this base of friendship.

Now how does all that apply to being the best possible parents for your child?  While you’re learning about your spouse, learn something new every day about your baby by observation. How does he or she react to noise and new tastes and smiles? What is your baby’s attitude to strangers and being alone and to touch? How active is your baby and at what time of the day or night? Share these insights with your baby’s dad or mom. These will help you build a foundation for your shared relationship with your baby. We’ll also talk more about this another month.

For more on Healthy Marriage, see Affirmation and Appreciation

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