A Sincere Apology

March 31, 2016 By Diane Constantine

Child-apologizes-resized-400x173 I read an interesting blog post in AFineParent.com, written by Jennifer Poindexter. It was 5 Simple Ways to Teach Kids How to Apologize Sincerely.

She did a good job of explaining how to teach our kids to apologize sincerely without forcing them to say the words, “I’m sorry,” as a get-out-of-jail-free card. But as I read through the steps, I wondered how many parents actually know what apologizing sincerely means. If adults have trouble saying we’re sorry and meaning it, how can we teach our children to do it right.

She tackles the problem of our own pride first. How can we possibly teach our children to humble themselves and apologize if we don’t know how to humble ourselves first?

We may have trouble saying we’re sorry if we feel like we had the right to act as we did. Maybe it was our right, but did we exercise that right in a wrong way or with a wrong attitude? I’ve had to say to my children, “What you did was wrong. I was not wrong to correct you for that. But I was angry and I corrected you in the wrong way.” Wow, that is humbling, but it is the necessary first step to getting back on a good footing with our kids.

Even while we struggle with pride, we can still teach our children. They learn how to overcome their pride as we tell them how we deal with our own pride. We can tell our children it is hard for us to say we’re sorry, but we know it is good to recognize our own mistakes and do our part to make things right.

When we genuinely apologize to our children, they get to feel the healing power of those words. When they know how it feels, they will be more willing to follow our example instead of muttering or grumbling the word, “Sorry!”

Jennifer’s second step is to help them sort out emotions involved. To sincerely apologize we need to recognize the emotions of the one we offended as well as our own. Children, and a lot of adults, have a hard time putting a name to emotions. Helping them identify the feelings can help them understand the need to apologize.

We can help them to know the emotions they feel are OK for a short while, but they need to deal with them and move forward.

If this is your problem, stop the next time your emotions are bubbling up and your words start flying out your mouth. Take a few minutes and sort through what just happened and how it made you feel. Admitting you have those emotions and deciding how to act will help you respond better in the future.

Her third point was to allow them to make the choice to apologize. Wow, how many of us hold our mate’s or our friend’s feet to the fire if they don’t apologize as quickly as we think they should. We may have been forcing apologies from our kids and yet giving our husband or wife the silent treatment until they say the words. An apology cannot be sincere if it is demanded before they are ready.

Her fourth point is that an apology is not a get-out-of-jail-free card. An apology doesn’t un-do what happened. When we’ve hurt someone with our words or actions, the apology in itself doesn’t take the hurt away. But a genuine apology lets them know we realize we’ve hurt them and we will try really hard not to do that again. So our words help to heal the hurt.

Jennifer’s final point is that we need to teach the Golden Rule. It is such a powerful relationship builder and maintainer! It is much easier to be sincere in our apologies when we truly think about the way we would want to be treated. She says, “Ultimately, that is the only way to get our children to realize the full weight of their actions and to feel remorse that will make them want to apologize.” Is the Golden Rule the foundation of your relationships?

We have done quite a bit of marriage counseling over the years. I think the most common reason for marital breakdown is unforgiveness. So many couples could forgive more easily and more quickly if the offending party knew how to apologize sincerely. I trust this will not be a problem for you and your spouse! Let’s practice genuine apologies while we teach our children how to apologize sincerely.

Goals and Challenges for the New Year

January 7, 2016 By Diane Constantine

It’s the beginning of a fresh new year. Your challenges this year are sure to be different from last year. A year makes a huge difference in a baby or young child’s life. And you may have a new addition since last year.

This is a great time to reflect on your parenting goals and challenges. Why not take a few minutes and consider what you would like for your child this year?

1. What are the one or two most important things you want your child to learn this year?

What would you have to change in order for him/her to learn these things?

2. What are the one or two most important things you want your child to experience this year?

How could you make these happen?

3. What is the biggest problem you and your husband or wife have regarding your children?

What needs to happen for that problem to be resolved?

4. What is your greatest joy with your child or children?

How can you build memories around this activity or experience?

5. How can you keep these ideas alive and active throughout the year?

My greatest desire for you this year is that you would be able to enjoy your children more. It is easy to get into a rut, just doing what needs to be done at the moment and rushing from one event to another. Too many activities and too little time together can sap the joy out of our relationships.

How you treat your child today can be a foundation block or a stumbling stone in his future. Use the moments you have to imprint your values in your child’s life. Try to increase your use of teachable moments and reduce your expressions of frustration.

Make the effort to find at least one thing to treasure every day with each child. Tell your child when they do something right or good or generous. When you pray with your child, remember to thank God for the good things you see in that child. Don’t get fixated on what it is that needs to change.

May God abundantly bless you and your family this year!

How to Deal with Failure

December 4, 2015 By Diane Constantine

I read an article by Jill M. Richardson, How to Deal with Failure, part of her Strong Kids series at A Fine Parent.com. Her article was aimed at parents of older children and even teens. But there were a few things she pointed out that I think we should start practicing even with our young children.

We live in a day and a culture that pressures us to make sure our children feel good. We want our children to feel good, but there is a danger in micromanaging their lives so they don’t experience failure at all. There are things we can do to help them deal with failures when they come, so that they are not crushed by them.

These are the ones I felt were most important for parents with young children. You may read her entire article at: A Fine Parent

Rescue dogs, not kids

If a potential failure will not result in serious bodily harm or devastating embarrassment, let the child fail without Superparent to the rescue. Allowing for small failures now, teaches a child the skills to deal with, and perhaps even avoid, bigger ones later.

Value Unstructured Play Time

Free time is when kids imagine, explore, and create. These are the formative hours for developing skills to problem solve. Scheduling kids so tightly that they lose this time cripples their creativity, a significant key to dealing with failure.

Unstructured play also allows kids to work out potential relationship issues. It’s in learning how to take turns with the swings, create an alternate world in the oak copse, or cope with a rule-flouting bully that kids figure out rule making, negotiation skills, and the heeding of others’ (sometimes unspoken) language.

Cause and effect teaches better than a parent playing labor dispute manager. Because we all know how well that works anyway.

Teach Grit

Basically, it is the ability to persevere, maintaining effort despite setbacks and discouragements, with a marathon-type approach.

We can help our children find their passion and pursue it, not with a competitive mindset, but with a determination to keep at it no matter what. This “grit” is key to returning stronger from failure.

Normalize Failure

Parents who shield their kids from failure leave another unintentional result. Their children come to regard failure as abnormal and unredeemable. A person for whom failure is seen as catastrophic and unacceptable internalizes the message that failure cannot be recovered from. It is terrifying.

Send them the message: Failure is normal. It happens to everyone. It is a part of life and learning. It is not shameful.

Talk Through the Scenarios

What not to say: “You won’t fail.” “You”ll be great.” “They’d be crazy not to take you.”

Problem is, I can’t make that guarantee. I can’t promise she won’t be terrible. Plus, I don’t know all the factors going into whatever judgment she’s up against. Will she trust me again after she does fall on her face in that audition?

Instead, ask this question: “What’s the worst that can happen?” Whatever the answer, pursue it to the end. Helping her work through what could happen if she fails helps her face the fear of it.

Or say something like, ‘I can see you’re upset. What do you think is a good first step here?’

Have Fun

With sensitivity, learn to laugh at your own failures and teach your child to do so as well. Obviously, this doesn’t mean howling when your kid falls on her face in the gymnastics meet. It does mean that learning to have a sense of humor about our own faults and missteps helps us to cope with the bigger ones.

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Jill M. Richardson is a writer, speaker, former teacher, and pastor in the Chicago area. Besides her own three daughters, she has worked with kids through teaching, community theater, coaching reading teams, and youth groups.

See Jill’s Blog

The Importance of Grandparents

November 2, 2015 By Diane Constantine

This month I’ve been considering the importance of the grandparent/grandchild relationship. We had such a wonderful time with our grandkids, but the time was short. We always want to make the most of our time together and find ways to connect even when we are half a world away.

I took the points and a few quotes from a great article at: care.com The article is called: 10 Things Grandchildren Can Learn From Their Grandparentsgra

“The relationship between a grandchild and grandparent is a very special one. While grandparents act as an authority figure and provide unconditional love, they also get to spoil their grandkids in a way parents simply can’t. But beyond that, grandparents also wield incredible influence. Here are ten things grandchildren can — should — learn from their grandparents.”

History- Learning history from books can be dry and hard to remember. Stories heard from a loving grandparent will be remembered for a lifetime. World events interpreted through a grandparent’s life can change a child’s perspective on the world they live in.
A New Skill Set- There just isn’t time to teach many skills in school. Grandparents learned handcrafts, car repair and so much more that they would love to teach their grandkids.
Wisdom- Grandparents have life lessons and other advice to share because they’ve often lived through the same or similar experience — possibly more than once. Knowing how grandparents dealt with problems in their lives, and knowing that they got through everything just fine, makes children feel they’ll be okay, too.
Family History- Grandparents can give their grandchildren a connection with real people in their family. It helps children feel they belong to a family, even if they can’t see all of these other family members.
Humor- Teasing is a part of growing up. When grandkids are teased by a loving grandparent, they can learn how to react when teased by their peers.
Listening- Listening to grandparents, helps kids learn to listen carefully to others.
Games- Grandparents can teach games that don’t rely on electronic devices. Children can learn the joy of playing with real people. (One of my happiest childhood memories was playing canasta with an old lady in our neighborhood for the privilege of picking as many cherries as I wanted!)
Emotional Support- Often children and teens will talk to their grandparents about things they don’t feel free to talk to their parents about. Grandparents can be an impartial source of help.
Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff- “Grandparents have lived long enough to realize not to get upset over the little things; life is too short. Young grandchildren think everything is hyper-important, but can learn to adjust their priorities after discussing problems with their grandparents, who have a broader world view.”
Mail- Grandparents can be great penpals. Snail mail means children have some souvenirs of their conversations with their grandparents. Email may be more immediate and accessible. However, they do it, mail helps children read and write and learn from people who really love them.
I want to add one more. Faith- Grandparents’ strong faith is a wonderful influence on their grandchildren. Go to church together, pray together, and find hope and joy together.

“Grandparents come with years’ worth of wisdom and love to share with their grandkids. Take the time to get to really know and learn from them while they’re here. They’ll cherish the time they get to spend with their grandkids and, in turn, the kids will gain insight and character they can pass onto their own children and grandchildren someday. There’s no better way to pass on family traits than through time spent with one another.”

Read the original article at: www.care.com

If your parents are not able to spend time with your children, adopt grandparents for your children. Perhaps in your church or neighborhood you will find some people to act as grandparents to your children. It is worth the time and effort and will brighten the lives of both your children and their ‘grandparents.’

Concussions: Symptoms and Myths

October 2, 2015 By Diane Constantine

This month I have been kept very busy with a lot of web site moving, updating, and computer repair from a virus. Needless to say, I haven’t had much time to add new information to Your Child’s Journey or even correspond much. But one thing did come to my inbox that I think you will really like to know about.

Continuing with the theme of safety for our children, I found a couple articles on Parents.com that talk about concussions. Since this is a potential problem for every child, I thought this would be a good time to share the information.

“According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), children under the age of 4 are the most frequent victims of head injuries. But while many injuries can be fixed with a bandage and a kiss, a blow to the head is a more serious matter because it can cause a condition known as a concussion. ‘Any injury that causes the head to shake can [affect] the brain,’ says Matthew Grady, M.D., a pediatric sports medicine specialist at the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia.

“A concussion is a mild traumatic brain injury (sometimes referred to as a TBI-traumatic brain injury) that temporarily interferes with the way the brain functions. Because the brain “floats” in fluid in the skull, a knock to the head or jolt to the body can send it crashing into the hard bones of the skull, resulting in this injury.

“A concussion can be caused by a simple bump on the head from a fall or a body hit, as might occur in a car accident. Any collision, including those between players on the sports field or an accidental blow to the face or head from a ball during gym class, can cause a concussion. A concussion can also occur as a result of the head or body being violently shaken.

“Falls are the number-one cause of head injuries to children under age 9, the CDC reports. Older kids have a greater chance of a sports-related concussion, with football as the leading cause for boys, and soccer and basketball for girls. Bicycling is responsible for the most non-sports-related concussions.”

Symptoms of Concussion

Symptoms can take as long as 24-48 hours to appear. Contrary to popular belief unconsciousness only occurs about 10% of the time. “Most concussions have at least a few symptoms, not just one,” Dr. Grady explains.”
Watch for these warning signs after a blow to the head or body. The child:

appears dazed, stunned, or confused
can’t recall events that happened before or after the bump or fall
has difficulty thinking, concentrating; feels sluggish or groggy
has a headache
feels dizzy or has balance problems
has blurred vision
sensitivity to sound or light
has difficulty reading
irritability
needs to sleep more than usual
is nauseated or vomiting. Some kids throw up once out of shock or fear. Continued vomiting, along with other symptoms, is a bigger concern.
Vomiting more than once.
For babies who are not yet walking or talking, additional danger signs include bulges at the fontanel (the soft spot on the front and back of the skull), vomiting, lethargy, difficulty feeding, and high-pitched crying.

Call a doctor immediately if you note:

vomiting more than once
a severe or increased headache
stumbling, clumsiness, disorientation
slurred speech
blood or fluid from the ears or nose
changes in breathing pattern
dilated pupils or pupils of unequal size
a loss of consciousness that lasts more than a minute
stiffness in the neck
weakness or numbness in the face, arms, or legs
a seizure or convulsions

Myths and Answers:

You shouldn’t let your child sleep after a head injury. This may be good advice for babies and toddlers, until you know whether they have a concussion. But sleeping is extremely beneficial to healing.
Helmets prevent concussions. A concussion is caused by the brain crashing around inside the skull, so the outside protection cannot prevent concussions. Helmets are still important to protect against skull fractures or bleeding in the brain.
If the child doesn’t black out, it isn’t a concussion. Only about 10% of concussions involve loss of consciousness.
The harder the blow, the worse the concussion. There is not a direct correlation. The shaking of the brain from playing Dodge Ball can cause as severe symptoms as a hard fall on the head.
Vomiting is a sure sign of concussion. Many kids vomit because they’re shocked or scared. Vomiting more than once or accompanied by several other symptoms are better signs of concussion.
Boys get more concussions than girls. The rates are about equal with girls just slightly higher incidence. Girls may report their symptoms more than boys and their neck muscles may be weaker than boys.
All concussions have the same clear-cut symptoms. No two concussions are alike. Symptoms can be many and varied. Take note of any unusual behavior and symptoms to report to your doctor.
An MRI or CT can rule out a concussion. They can only see structural damage to the brain and bleeding. If symptoms are severe CT scans are the diagnostic tool of choice in an ER. A computerized test to assess a child’s memory and reaction time may assist in the diagnosis.
Only a blow to the head can cause a concussion. Any severe jolt to the body can cause a concussion, not just blows to the head.
It’s fine to return to school after a concussion. Concussions interfere with proper brain function. Adding bright lights, noise and reading may interfere with healing.

I hope you never need this information, but it is always good to be armed with this knowledge.