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Expressing Desires – Exercise

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It may have been some time since you talked about your desires at this stage of your marriage. It may seem awkward. But give the exercise a chance. It’s worth the investment. Here we go:

Look at the statements below. Choose one and adapt it to your own situation. Take turns to express your own current desire. Be sure to state your desire as clearly as possible and be ready to say how it could be met. When it is your turn to listen, listen with a teachable heart. Don’t be ready to criticize or belittle your spouse for the desires they express. Be ready to say ways you are willing and able to meet what is expressed. Do not make this a time to argue, but to add to your relationship account!

  • I would like you to touch me even at times sex is not the response you expect.
  • I would like help with the evening meal time.
  • I would like your undivided attention for a few minutes each day.
  • I would like time to decompress for a short while when I come home.

Now that you have practiced those, why not think of some of your own?

I would like. . .

The Relationship Account

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Developing and maintaining the satisfaction and happiness of our marriage is like putting money in the bank. When we make deposits in our relationship account, we build a positive balance. When we make too many withdrawals from our relationship account we soon have a deficit. All couples are happier when our relationship accounts are in the black, not in the red. But red numbers have their purpose too. They warn us to make some deposits or risk bankruptcy!

How do we make deposits in our relationship?

We have many opportunities every day to make deposits in our relationship account. Whenever we turn towards our spouse, responding positively, we add to our account. Most of our deposits are small, but like cents, they can mount up over time. Dr. John Gottman’s research shows that the key to keeping marriages fulfilling is three words: small things often.

Let’s look at some ways we can reach out for connection and ways we may respond. But first, some definitions. In the table below, approaches are the ways we try to create a moment of connection with our spouse. Responses are the different ways we show that we want to connect too.

Approaches Responses
A glance, a wink, a nod A smile, a wave, a flying kiss
A message A smiley face or short answer
Calling their name “What?” spoken pleasantly
A pat, a kiss, a hug A reciprocal physical sign of affection
Ask for help by word or action Offer to help
Express a need or desire Recognition and plan for fulfilling
Offering to help or do a chore Gratefully accepting

These were all positive responses to different kinds of approaches. Practiced consistently, they will all add to the happiness of your relationship. In other words, you get a richer marriage through investment.

How do we make withdrawals in our relationship?

We also have many opportunities to withdraw from the relationship account. Our negative response may be to turn away from our mate or to turn against them. Turning away will subtract a small amount, but turning against subtracts much more. Note that all of the reactions in the table below are negatives. The difference is the degree of irritation or outright hostility they express. Those on the left (turning away) are irritating. Those on the right are much more damaging.

Turning Away Turning Against
Not responding to our name being called Snarling, “What!”
Ignoring comments- too distracted to hear Answering with a complaint or criticism
Forgetting appointments with spouse Not making appointments with spouse
Getting discouraged Picking fights

Whenever we turn away from, or turn against our spouse, we hurt our relationship. It is not possible to make deposits in your relationship account if you don’t choose to turn towards your spouse when they send a cue for connection. When we notice too many withdrawals, we must move quickly to deposit time, attention, and action into our relationship.

Attention, Please!

We may be missing the cues our spouse sends us because we are not aware of their needs.

When we were courting, we took great pains to anticipate and see their needs. When a slight cloud crossed their face, we diligently searched out the cause and made the adjustments needed to bring the sunshine back.

After marriage, and especially after baby, we may get so busy and preoccupied that we miss the cues our spouse is sending. Now, instead of a cloud, it takes a thunderstorm to get our attention.

Time for Some Practice

Try our Expressing Desires Exercise to boost your positive connections and add to your relationship account.

A final note. All the information and the exercises in this article are based on professional research of thousands of couples. You can see more about that research by visiting this website: Gottman Institute
Learn more about Turning Towards Instead of Away with this Gottman article.

To read more on Healthy Marriage see: Relationship Disconnects.

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Affirm Your Child

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There is much being written today about building our child’s self-esteem. It is a hot topic. Some of the advice is good and healthy for our children, some of it is bunk. Let me try to take the mystery out of this topic.

We have talked about affirmation and appreciation between mom and dad. Affirmation goes a long way to reducing stress and increasing pleasure with our spouse. It is also one of the best ways to help our children develop a healthy self-esteem.

Our modern culture wants everyone to feel good all the time. With that goal in mind, we are pressured to praise others for everything and give awards for mere attendance. This kind of empty, insincere praise backfires.

Kids have different reactions to weak praise. Some kids begin to feel they are already perfect and no longer need practice. Others try to be perfect and feel they constantly fail. For others praise confuses them. For instance, when they know they didn’t do well, but are told, “That was terrific,” they don’t know whether to trust their own instincts or what is being said about them. Others learn that praise is lying.

Affirmation, according to Mirriam-Webster, is ‘to say that something is true in a confident way.’

What does affirmation do for a child?

Affirmation helps children develop positive foundations on which to grow. Once we have matured, it is hard to change those foundations.

  • Affirmation helps children have confidence in themselves.
  • Affirmation helps children recognize what they are competent to do.
  • Affirmation helps children learn how to use their skills to contribute to others.
  • Affirmation builds resiliency in children to deal with the stresses in life.
  • Affirmation lets children know they are accepted, loved, and supported.

What does affirmation sound like? Here are some examples:

  • “I’m proud of you because . . .”
  • “That was such a good decision.” (Explain why it was good.)
  • “You worked so hard at . . .”
  • “I like how you answered that question. It shows you are really thinking.”
  • “You are such a good example to . . .”
  • “You were so brave when. . .”
  • “That was such a kind thing to do.”
  • “Thank you for honoring me by . . .”
  • “You are the kind of friend I wanted when I was your age.”
  • “You have a great sense of humor.”
  • “Your room looks great. You cleaned it so well.”
  • “You made this? It is beautiful.”
  • “You’re building strong muscles doing that job.”
  • “You inspire people when you . . .”
  • “You never give up on a hard job.”
  • “Your life matters.”
  • “It takes a big person to be honest like you just were.”
  • “You are really polite. I was proud to introduce you as my child.”
  • “You did this by yourself? Amazing.”

You can affirm, even when your child didn’t do well.

  • “I know you worked as hard for that C as many students work for an A. You are diligent.”
  • “I know you’re disappointed that you didn’t win. I’m so proud of you for trying.”
  • “It can be hard to come in second, but it looked like you did your best. Someone else was just better. Keep trying, maybe next time you’ll win.”
  • “I know you feel bad about your mistake. What do you think you can do differently next time?”
  • “Ah, that was a bad decision. I know you’ll learn from it and make a different choice next time.”
  • “I’m glad you told me about this. I love you and will always be here for you. We can work together to solve this problem.”

When is a good time to affirm your child?

  • When you are teaching your child a new skill. Affirm their attempts and even partial successes along the way.
  • When you see a spark of interest or a flash of brilliance. A little affirmation may turn that interest into a lifelong pastime or future employment.
  • When your child used one of his skills or knowledge to help someone else.
  • When you speak highly of them to another adult in their hearing.
  • When you show them physical affection, speak affirming words.
  • When you recognize they have a better idea than you do about something.
  • When they have made a good decision.

If you realize you have been heaping meaningless praise on your child, now is a good time to pay attention to what you say to your child. Don’t fill their ears with, “You’re so pretty” or “You’re so big” or “Good boy.” Instead tell them what praiseworthy behavior you’ve observed in them or good attitudes they’ve shown or how what they have done has made someone else’s life better. Everyone tends to live up to the good opinions of others or down to their criticisms. A parent’s opinion carries even more weight.

Exercise:

  1. Look through the list of affirmation starters. Choose one or two that you can tailor-make to suit your child. Remember affirmation is saying something true in a confident way. So, make sure you can say it honestly and then be specific so your child knows what you saw as good.
  2. Choose a good time to give your affirmation to your child. Don’t say it when you are likely to be interrupted or distracted. Look for a time your child’s heart is open.
  3. Linger a little and be ready to listen to how your child responds or what questions they may ask. This can give you a clue as to how or what they would love to hear from you next time.

I know you can make a difference in your child’s life as you affirm them.

For more articles on parenting, check out: The Child-Ready Marriage

 

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Affirm and Appreciate

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As you’ve probably already seen, having a baby adds lots of stress to our lives. When we’re tired and stressed, we become irritable. Irritable people say things they would never say when they are rested and happy. They also fail to say some of the nice things that make life more enjoyable. We’ll always have stress. And babies, as much as we want them and love them, add a ton of stress to our lives.  That’s why it’s important that we focus on, and work at, strengthening our love for each other, even in the stressful times. Building up our spouse pays huge dividends!

There are two great ways to ease stress and strengthen our marital bond: affirmation and appreciation. Affirmations are positive, true statements. These have a strong effect because they are spoken by one we love and are committed to. Appreciation is acknowledging what someone has done for us and showing we recognize their effort. Our goal this month is to try to replace any sharp, hurtful words with affirming or appreciative words. Now let’s look more closely at each of those qualities.

We deepen our friendship when we express and receive compliments. Affirmation and thankfulness are strong relationship boosters.

In some marriages, there is very little affirmation and appreciation. The inability to receive a compliment soon stops the flow of affirmation. Getting embarrassed, ignoring, or denying the heartfelt words hurts the giver. Do this often enough and your spouse will quit giving you compliments and affirmation.

On the other hand, you may find it hard to put your positive feelings into words. Your spouse could be dying to hear you say anything positive about them. With a little bit of practice and the genuine appreciation of your spouse, giving words of affirmation and thankfulness will come easier.

It is good to practice giving and receiving words of affirmation and appreciation. It is even better when it becomes such a natural part of your communication that you say and receive these words in very ordinary moments, doing ordinary tasks.

Time for Some Practice

Practice affirmation and appreciation with the Affirmation Exercise.

Affirmation is not just good for your spouse, it works well with your children too. See: Affirm Your Child

Here are some more articles that can help you understand the importance of affirmation and thankfulness:

Affirm Your Spouse
The Thankful Lover

To read more on Healthy Marriage see: The Relationship Account .

 

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Dads and Their Daughters

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Dad and Daughter pictureMy dad was my hero, my confidante, and my model of what a man should be and how he should treat women. Of course I appreciated my mom. But one of the best things she did for me was allow me to have a really good relationship with my dad. She wasn’t jealous of the time and attention he gave me and my sisters. She didn’t interfere and she never criticized him to us.

So what did my dad do that was so special?

He was hands on. Oh, he left most of the bathing and dressing of his daughters to our mom. But we knew we could crawl up in his lap for a snuggle whenever he was not working. He scratched our backs and we scratched his, for coin change. While we were little enough, he’d pick us up and toss us in the air. These flying lessons tickled our tummies and always won him a big sloppy girl kiss. He taught us to ride bikes.

He paid attention to us. He never left for work or returned home without a hug and kiss for each of us. He listened to our long tales and our dreams. He knew what made us each tick. He took lots of home movies and had movie night every so often so we wouldn’t forget special times we had together.

He was a gentleman. He treated us with respect, hugged and kissed us appropriately, and never talked dirty or cursed. I knew from very young, how a man should treat a woman and never had trouble discerning the wrong intentions of boys and young men.

That sounds like he spent all his time at home. He didn’t. He worked long hours as a commercial, retouch artist. He worked downtown, so he had a daily commute. So that he could work overtime without being away from home so many hours, he set up a ‘studio’ in his bedroom with all he needed to do his job. There were very specific rules about being in that room while he worked, so we didn’t spoil many hours of tedious work with carelessness. But, he loved for me sit on his bed and talk to him about anything and everything. He’d listen carefully, though his eyes never left his drawing board. Sometimes I’d think he hadn’t heard me because he hadn’t said anything for a long time, then he’d surprise me with a question or comment that let me know he not only listened, but was ready to help me with my little problems.

He encouraged me to not be timid but to try new things. He encouraged me whenever he saw me being tender and thoughtful of others. He encouraged me to ask for forgiveness when I did wrong and to forgive others quickly.

One of my favorite memories with my dad was our twice a year lunch and shopping trip. Once I was old enough to take the bus into town, I’d meet dad for lunch near his office. He would treat me to a grown-up meal with him at a nice restaurant. Then he’d escort me to one of the big department stores for me to spend the afternoon shopping with my spending money. We’d meet at the bus stop for the ride back home together. My dad was my first date!

So, dads, what can you do to raise your daughters well?

  • Spend time with them. You cannot really know them, if you don’t spend time with them.
  • Give them your attention and approval. Knowing that you noticed and that you approve, is great motivation to keep doing well.
  • Show them appropriate affection and touch. They will know a fraud instinctively then.
  • Listen to them early and often so that they will listen to you when it really matters.
  • Build her self-esteem with honest praise for her character and her hard work and her concern for others.

I liked this quote from Dr. Meg Meeker in Lifeway Men. “Don’t think you can’t fight her “peers” or the power of pop culture. Exactly the opposite is true. Yes, the four Ms—MTV, music, movies, and magazines—are enormous influences that shape what girls think about themselves, what clothes they wear, and even the grades they get. But their influence doesn’t come close to the influence of a father. A lot of research has been done on this—and fathers always come out on top. The effects of loving, caring fathers on their daughters’ lives can be measured in girls of all ages.”

Even if you are not the biological father of the girls you are raising, your influence is great on their development and character.

There are many articles on the internet about Dads and their daughters, but I like these three the best.

Another article on Your Child’s Journey about Dads: