What can I do to help? This is probably the single most important question you can ask. Let’s consider how this ‘miracle question’, as my husband calls it, works with your spouse.

You see, there are some good reasons to ask this. The first reason is that it is a way to make a connection with someone in a non-threatening way. It is not a demand or request. It makes no assumptions. Gottman talks about small things often. One of those small things is reaching out for connection with our spouse. Asking what we can do to help, let’s them know we are thinking about them in a positive way. It feels good, even if we don’t need their help at the moment. We feel valued by them.

Our days get so full and busy that we often just push on from one task or obligation to the next. Being asked if someone can help us is refreshing. Even if we don’t take them up on their offer of help, it makes us feel better that someone noticed us and reached out to us. A pleasant connection was made.

Asking what we can do to help is good for us. It reminds us that the world does not revolve around us. It is easy to get self-centered. We’re busy, not everything went as planned, and we get irritable. Asking how we can help them takes our mind off our day and recognizes they may be having an even worse day than us. Asking our spouse what we can do for them, lets them know we don’t want to be selfish and self centered. We realize they have needs and desires too, and we want to help, not weigh them down.

Another good reason to ask, is that we may not be able to see what would help them the most. Just starting to do something, like opening a door may be less helpful than grabbing a bag about to tumble from their arms.

Here are some times we can use this question

• Before leaving the house in the morning lets our spouse know we realize we’ll be apart and want one more connection first. Perhaps there is a phone call you could make for them or some small errand that would ease their morning routine.
• Call or text while out to see if you can buy something they need on your way home.
• When your spouse has been with the children for a long time, you might be able to help by taking over with the children for a while.
  I’m sure you can think of many more.

Build and strengthen your marriage by using the miracle question often.

“What can I do that would help? “ is another twist on this question. We may have a frustrating or stressful situation we face often. We have tried different things and nothing seems to work. From a different point of view they may be able to suggest a better way that could help. Often we are just too close to realize that we are making it worse by what we do. Your spouse can often give you that insight, if you ask the right question.  Then be willing to give their idea a good try. This can really strength your marriage.

Many husbands come home from work and want to decompress for a while before jumping into home life. Their wife could ask, “What can I do to help you refresh? These husbands would be wise to not take longer than necessary unwinding and then ask their wife, What can I do to help?” One day it might be watching the kids. Another it could be sweeping the floor or setting the table. The fact that you asked and did something makes married life so much richer for both partners.
I would love to hear that this question has done its miracle work in your lives.

I was asked ­­some good questions this month and thought I’d take this opportunity to share my thoughts about them with you.

Q. What are your thoughts about each spouse having a different parenting style? How do you balance between the two to get the best out of it?  

I know there needs to be consistency in approach, but I also realise that we each have strengths of our own and it would be beneficial for our child to experience a bit of both our approaches.

So I’m thinking how do we integrate both our approaches and at the same time, allow each other the room for discretion/creativity in the way we relate to our child?

A. Let’s begin by recognizing there will be differences in parenting styles in every couple. We came from different backgrounds and experienced different parenting styles in our own homes. We have different personalities and different expectations.

I think at the core of the question is the concern that we will confuse and/or in some way harm our child if we do things differently.

I believe if both parents are operating out of love and concern for the child, they can cooperate for the child’s good. So, how does this work?

1. Parents never ‘correct’ each other in front of the child. So kiddo doesn’t have to sort out which parent to listen to or fear the disunity of the parents. Whoever has told the child what to do or how to do it, completes that episode. If the other disagrees, talk about it privately and agree for future action.

2. If one or the other has a particularly strong opinion in a certain issue, the other let’s that one make the decision. But it should not always go one way or the other. Be willing to see the other’s point of view.

3. Perfectionism should yield to spontaneity when tensions rise. From our own experience, I was usually the perfectionist and wanted things finished and finished correctly. But this could drive everyone right into a bad mood or stubbornness. My husband would step in and say, ‘Enough. Time to do something else.’ At first I’d get mad, but I came to appreciate his more relaxed style. Most things do not need perfection.

4. Kids can adjust well to differing styles. We teach our children it is OK to run and be loud outside but not in the house. Or we teach them you may touch anything that is on this table, but don’t touch anything in that cabinet. So why not teach them you may rough house with dad and work puzzles with mom? The differences will be much bigger in some style differences and as the kids grow up, but the principle is the same.

Here’s an example from our sons’ teen years to see how this works through all our parenting. My husband let our sons choose their music. He would refuse a few of the worst, but let them play most music as loud as they liked. I couldn’t stand loud music, especially with a strong beat. So when Mike was around and I wasn’t, they played the music at earsplitting volume. When I was alone with them,  I would ask if it was music Dad approved. If so, they could listen, but only if they kept the volume down or used earphones. They joked, ‘Mom rules or Dad rules.’ But they accepted it.

Q.  Also I am aware that as the child gets older, they will tend to wisen up and manipulate each parent based on what they know about their individual approach. For example, one parent is more lenient, so the child will tend to ask for permission for something from that parent instead of the stricter one.

A. The parents pretty well know what their spouse will answer when permission is being requested. If the one who is more lenient is asked, they should either say, “We’ll talk about it and give you an answer later.” Or, “Go ask the stricter parent first. That will be the answer.”

This was the follow-up rule in our house and this endured from early childhood through adolescence. If they got a no from one parent, they could not go to the other parent to try to get a yes. Here’s how it worked:

Child asks Parent 1, “Can I. . . ?” That parent says, “No.”

So off he goes to Parent 2. “Can I.  .  . ?”

Parent 2 should ask, “Did you ask Parent 1? What was the answer?” When the child answers, “No.”

Then Parent 2 should say, “Then that’s the answer.”

If they ever managed to get the answer they wanted, they automatically lost the privilege. No questions asked and no appeal. They will only try this once.

We’ll take some other questions to answer in the next few newsletter. Keep a look out for more Q and A.