Your Child's Journey

wisdom for the big steps little children take

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Are You a Toxic Parent?

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mom and son yellingIn an article by Theresa Edwards, she asked, “Are you a toxic parent?” She had interviewed four mental health and relationship experts about parental behaviors that have the potential to damage their children and their relationship with their children.

Now I don’t expect any of MY readers could be harming their children either directly or indirectly. But I’m sure I’m not the only one who worried that maybe I wasn’t parenting in the best way possible.

Here are some ways you may be hurting your children or your relationship with your children.

Yelling at your kids too much!

I’ve had more than a few of you mention that you know you yell at your kids too much. If this is something you worry about, think about these things.

  • Are you overwhelmed and out of control? What would it take to reduce your burdens so you have the reserves you need to deal with your children more calmly?
  • Are you overtired? When was the last time you got enough sleep? How can you make this happen more regularly?
  • Are you copying the parenting style you were raised with? Just because your parents’ yelled at you doesn’t mean you can’t learn a better way to communicate with your children.

You express your fears to your kids!

We may have a real fear of something we have not yet overcome. Fear becomes toxic when we model unreasonable fear or look to our children to help us deal with things that frighten us. We are the parents and need to find ways to deal with our fears. Passing our fears onto our children will hurt them in the long run.

Some moms are terribly afraid of spiders. If they scream and run every time they encounter a spider, their children will likely adopt their own fear of spiders. If moms realize they are much bigger than the spiders and surely can hit them with something and kill them, their kids will learn there are good ways to overcome fear.

Living Your Dreams and Aspirations Through Your Kids!

Some parents try to get their kids to fulfill their unmet goals for themselves. Maybe they had to work as a shopkeeper when they really wanted to be a scientist. They push their children to take the science stream and to become the researcher they weren’t able to become.

We should seek to know our kids’ strengths and weaknesses. We should give them opportunities to discover their own interests and desires. And as believers in Jesus, we should seek God’s will for our kids’ future. We need to allow our children to become the person God wants them to be not just the fulfillment of our dreams.

Binding Instead of Bonding

Binding is when we say or act like, “I’m your mother and you will do as I say!” Bonding, on the other hand, is cultivating a relationship through shared experiences. In this case we say, “I’m your mother and I will always love you. I have your best interests at heart.”

Some Indicators of Toxic Parenting:

Sometimes we just really can’t see that we are doing anything that will hurt our kids. If you see these indicators, you should look at the way you parent and take action to make some changes.

  • Your kids say, “You never listen to me.” Are you taking the time to listen to your kids? Are you hearing more than their words to what is really bothering them?
  • Your kids complain about the same thing repeatedly. Are you letting them know you are finding a way to deal with these concerns?
  • You find yourself constantly blaming others for the upsets in your home. What part are you playing in these upsets?
  • When you see your children behaving like you and you don’t like it. It is time to correct your own behavior before trying to deal with theirs.

Our goal is to be the best parents we can be for the children we have. Most of the time we do quite well.

But if you see you really are being “toxic” in one of these ways, seek help to make the needed changes. Don’t ignore these warning signs and don’t think they will improve on their own. It is not shameful to ask for help. It is shameful to know you need help and not to ask for it.

Please write to me with your comments or questions: Diane

You can see Theresa Edwards’ article at: Sheknows.com

Toys. . .Free or Inexpensive

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egg carton sorterBaby and children’s toys can really get expensive. Kids’ attention spans are short. So, trying to keep them in new and interesting toys can get to be a very expensive proposition.

My goal for this newsletter is to provide you with some ideas for free or inexpensive ways to keep your kids playing and learning. These are not ‘babysitters,’ but rather ways families on a budget can still give their kids the advantage of stimulating creativity and learning.

Choose a drawer or box that your little one can find new toys in every few days.

  • If your drawer is in the kitchen, you may put a small pot and lid, plastic bowls that nest, a wire whisk, wooden spoons of different sizes, colored plastic cups, measuring spoons, chopsticks, a muffin pan, cookie cutters, etc. Keep changing what’s in there to keep them interested in exploring.
  •  A box in your sitting room may have a stuffed animal, a net ball, scraps of fabric with different textures, elastic and string, a small pillow, a picture book, a box of blocks or dominoes. Replace these with new things often.
  • Girls love a box full or old clothes, hats, shoes, and scarves to play ‘dress up.’

Make an obstacle course out of chairs, tables, sheets, and pillows for indoor fun. Take walks outside and use curbs for balance beams, stepping stones or cracks in pavement for agility in skipping, jumping, and hopping. Use sidewalk chalk to make a path that will challenge your child’s large muscle skills.

box fortKids love to make a fort out of old packing boxes. The boxes appliances come in are their favorites.

Make a busy board out of things around your house or bought inexpensively from dollar stores or hardware stores. Here’s a great example: Handsonaswegrow.com

Read a book to your little ones. They may want you to read one book every day for months or read a new book every day. Buying new books is good when your child is still putting everything they hold in their mouth, but as they get to be toddlers and preschoolers, you can use library books or used books. It is helpful if you can trade kids’ books with friends or play group buddies. eBooks are an option too, but don’t have the added benefit of teaching how to handle books nicely.

Finger plays and action songs are a great way to teach pre-reading skills and cost nothing. Here are some great resources for these fun songs and rhymes.

If you cannot afford an expensive erector set, you can challenge your child’s building creativity with popsicle sticks, pipe cleaners, wooden clothes pegs, and rubber bands.

You can keep a toddler busy with an empty water bottle and cut drinking straws or small pompoms to put in and pour out. Pompoms of different colors and sizes can be sorted, picked up with tongs and put into containers.

For 70+ homemade toys you can make for your kids, see: Happy Hooligans Also, see my Pinterest board for Toys – Free or Inexpensive.

You can make a homemade version of many of the fun stuff kids love to handle:

  •  Playdough that is safe to eat and cheap to make. For playdough that can keep for up to 6 months, try this recipe: fun.familyeducation.com
  • For recipes for homemade foam, water beads, fizzy slush, pretend snow, colored melting ice, slime, sand foam and more, see my Pinterest board for sensory activities.

For more on toys and the importance of play see: Toys and Play here at Your Child’s Journey.

Please share your ideas by adding a comment to this post.

What Kids Want Most

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Please take a minute or two to watch the short video. It is eye-opening!

Who would you most like to eat dinner with?

Did it surprise you as much as it did me? Research shows that as long as a child’s basic needs for food, clothing, shelter, and safety are provided, children want and need most the love and attention of their parents.

Kate Schweitzer says, “What your little one really wants is something that doesn’t cost you a cent but is perhaps more difficult to provide than anything you can put on your credit card — it’s your time. Between long hours at work, endless chores, and the allure of digital distractions, what should be the easiest thing to give is, these days, the most difficult.”

Becky Mansfield at YourModernFamily.com said many of the children in her study wanted their parents to be less stressed and less tired. I think that is getting closer to the root of the problem.

All of us love our children and want to give them our attention. But! That takes time and planning and concentration.

When we have spent the day at a busy job, we’re tired and stressed. We don’t give our best attention when we are exhausted. Getting home, fixing dinner, making sure everyone has what they need for tomorrow makes us less gentle and patient with our kids.

Becky had some very practical tips to help us be less stressed and more able to give the time and attention our kids want. Here are some of her suggestions:

  • Get on a schedule. This takes some of the stress out of your day because you know what you need to do.
  • Have your kids help with your chores. This lessens your load and teaches them valuable lessons.
  • Get everything ready the night before to make mornings less hectic. Get a better start to your day.
  • Limit your “online” time. If everyone limits their online time, there is more time to share together.
  • Simplify your laundry and cooking chores. Get everyone involved to streamline the process.
  • Laugh! Find ways to have FUN with your family.

Read more from Becky on What do kids want most from their parents?

Baby Sleep

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sleeping-babyBaby sleeping at night means everyone in the family sleeps better. Having a baby that doesn’t sleep well calls for action. Our grandson cried non-stop every time he was laid down for months. At night one adult swaddled him, walked him, rocked him, and prayed for him to sleep. Whenever he nodded off, he was gently laid in his car seat (the only place he sometimes slept). Within a short while he was crying again and the whole process began again. He was finally diagnosed with GER and medication was prescribed and the whole family began to get sleep at night.

Most babies don’t have such a severe problem with lying down and sleeping. Here are some ways to help your baby be able to sleep well at night. Starting early might help you avoid some bad habits that will make your child’s falling asleep a chore every night for years.

  • Have a regular bedtime. Children thrive on routine. Going to bed at the same time every night helps your baby begin to get sleepy at that time each evening. (Of course it can’t be the same every night, but make it as often as possible.)
  • Wind down time. Right before nap time and bedtime, take a few minutes to snuggle and begin to calm down. At nighttime, you may want to have a longer bedtime routine including a soothing bath, read a book or sing a song, pray together, or any other ritual you don’t mind continuing for years.
  • Comfort. Make sure he is fed and burped, has on a clean diaper. Swaddling helps young babies feel more secure. Appropriate sleepwear for your climate and room temperature is also a must.
  • Sleep associations. Dim light, white noise, a certain scent, or a comfort item can signal it is time to sleep for your little one. Even when you need to give a night feeding, be consistent with keeping the lights dim, little noise, and no play during these feedings, your baby should learn to fall back to sleep quickly and not get his days and nights mixed up.
  • Keep naps consistent. When babies are overly tired, they are much harder to get to sleep. As much as possible, make sure they have a regular nap time.
  • Lay baby down before she is totally asleep. When she falls asleep in your arms, she expects to wake up that way. When she stirs and you are not holding her, she is jerked wide awake and alarmed. Then you must hold her again for her to calm down and get back to sleep. But, if she falls asleep in her crib with very dim light and quiet, she will learn to self-soothe to sleep. When she stirs awake later, everything is as it was when she fell asleep, and she self-soothes back to sleep. Of course if she is hungry or wet, she’ll let you know she needs your help.
  • Babies don’t sleep through the night for the first few months. Most babies need night feedings until they are at least 12 pounds or 5.5 kg. By about 3 months, babies are fairly regular about when they eat and sleep. If you have practiced these routines, your baby should be well on the way to sleeping through the night.

Here are some articles on Your Child’s Journey about sleep:

Here are some reliable resources on this topic:

If you have questions or comments about this article, please email me.

You Are Invited!

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Youre Invited

All moms want to give their babies and children the best possible care. But research takes more time than you have.

First Steps is a helpful bulletin for moms with children from birth to 3 years. Each monthly bulletin will have the information you most need for that month of your baby’s development. These bulletins were carefully assembled from the best information available and compiled in a brief, readable style. They will help you learn the usual developmental mile markers for that month. Also, you will see what to expect next and the best ideas to help your baby get there. Other short articles of interest for parents with children that age are included.

Learn more about me and Your Child’s Journey at About.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Blessings!
Diane