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Discipline Rules

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This month I’d like to share insights from an article in PopSugar.com by Sarah Muoio. To see the full article click: Rules for Discipline

Sarah wrote a great article about the rules she and her husband agreed on about discipline even before their son was born. These rules were not for their son, but for them as parents!

There are so many things to consider concerning disciplining our children. First and foremost is the fact that each parent comes from a different experience of discipline. Add to that all that the experts say, what your friends say, and any special circumstances in your family.

Sarah and her husband took time before their son was born to discuss in detail their views on discipline. They set their goals for their son, like the values, morals, and attitudes they wanted him to have, and how they wanted him to experience life.

In order to avoid conflicts between themselves when they needed to discipline their son, they established some ‘rules’ for themselves. These didn’t always apply and sometimes needed to be bent a bit, but these rules helped them effectively discipline their son.

So, what were their rules?

  • Listen! Even when someone is wrong, listen to what they have to say. There’s always three sides to a story.
  • Set a good example. You need to practice what you preach.
  • Be clear with rules and expectations. Leave nothing for interpretation.
  • Be flexible. There are some issues that don’t fit the mold. They deserve fair judgment.
  • Praise good behaviors, don’t just scorn bad ones.
  • Be consistent.
  • Empathize. Never discredit feelings. Kids should be entitled to embrace and express their feelings. Let them know that you understand them.
  • Keep a sense of humor.
  • Provide insight on how they can change behaviors. Make it clear that mistakes are normal. We ALL make them. Stress the fact that trying hard not to repeat mistakes is what matters.
  • Always end with “I love you.” Let it be known that it’s the behavior you don’t like, not the person. No matter how many mistakes they make, it doesn’t change the fact that they are so loved.

The rule above all others is, never let their son see that they disagree about discipline. They create a unified front so he can never play one parent against the other. If they don’t agree, they still back up the one disciplining and only discuss it in private later. Sarah says, “But as far as our son knows, there’s nothing to discuss. It’s two against one when one of us sets a rule.”

For those of you who have been reading First Steps or Next Steps, and the cover letters, much of this will look familiar. It is good, though, to hear it from another source, especially from a parent that is still in the trenches.

No matter how young or old your children are, it is always a good time to review your goals, plans, and methods to discipline your children. Be sure to take into account the effect other care givers are having on your child’s development.

Nagging and Negotiating

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girl beggingThis article is not about your habits of nagging and negotiating, it’s about your kids’. However, they may have learned it from you in the first place. We may not even realize we nag or negotiate. When our kids don’t do what we say the first time we ask, we may begin a downward spiral.

When we ask our children over and over again, we are nagging. Nagging sends the message that we don’t really expect them do to what we say. Sometimes when they don’t comply, we begin to plead or negotiate for obedience. Children who are used to nagging or negotiating tend to wait until that ‘certain’ point when they know they must obey. We really must not nag or negotiate, as they can catch the habit and become very skilled at getting their way.

They discover how effective it can be in just one moment of weakness when we cave in and let them have what they want. It only takes once. From then on, they will try it on everything from a sweet before dinner to staying up a little later to expecting a toy every time they go shopping with you.

They will try it on every adult involved in their care. But if you observe carefully, you may see that they never try it with certain adults. Maybe they torment you and your husband, but never seem to do it at preschool. They may hassle your parents, but never nag your husband. Perhaps that adult knows the key is to never, ever give in. The kids know it and quit trying with them.

But any learned behavior can be unlearned. That’s the truth. It only takes consistency.

Amy McCready, at Positive Parenting Solutions, has a three-word answer that will stop nagging. She calls it, “Asked and answered.” Here is her example of how it works:

The concept is simple. When seven-year-old Daniel begs to dig a giant hole in the front yard and gets “no” for an answer, chances are he’ll be back in five minutes asking again – this time with a “pleeeeeeaase” just so you know he really, really wants to dig the hole.

Instead of repeating yourself or jumping in to a lecture, avoid child nagging by getting eye to eye and follow the process below:

Step One: Ask, “Have you ever heard of ‘Asked and Answered’?” (He’ll probably say no.)

Step Two: Ask, “Did you ask me a question about digging a hole?” (He’ll say yes.)

Step Three: Ask, “Did I answer it?” (He’ll probably say, “Yes, but, I really ….”)

Step Four: Ask, “Do I look like the kind of mom/dad/teacher who will change her/his mind if you ask me the same thing over and over?” (Chances are Daniel will walk away, maybe with a frustrated grunt, and engage in something else.)

Step Five: If Daniel asks again, simply say, “Asked and Answered.” (No other words are necessary!) Once this technique has been established, these are the only words you should need to say to address nagging questions.

So the next time your child tries to nag or negotiate for their way, try ‘Asked and Answered.’ It saves arguments, whining, and frustration. Try it and keep using it. When they have asked and gotten the same answer 12 times or more, they will retire the tactic. In a few weeks or months, they may try again, just remember, “Asked and Answered.”

For some other help on getting your kids to do what you want the first time you ask, please read what Dr. Leman says in, Have a New Kid by Friday:

Top 10 list of what it takes to discipline kids

Two techniques that work.

Ways to Encourage Honesty

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I read an article this month by Amy McCready, writing for Positive Parenting Solutions . In her article on seven steps to encourage honesty, she reported that lying is a developmental mile marker. “When your preschooler starts lying, it’s simply a new developmental milestone, according to research by Kang Lee, a University of Toronto professor and director of the Institute of Child Study. This shift signifies changes in the way your child organizes information. It’s a normal step, so you don’t need to worry about your little one becoming a pathological liar.

Though it’s a normal stage of development, we still want to know how best to deal with this misbehavior so that it doesn’t continue. Amy says, “[Children] want to avoid punishment, disappointing their parents or an unpleasant outcome. Would you be honest if you knew it would cause you humiliation, a lecture, a punishment or being yelled at?

“And naturally, when our kids blatantly lie to us, we want to punish them to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Unfortunately, that’s exactly what happens – when we punish kids for lying, they’ll keep doing it in the hopes of avoiding any future punishment. So if we can’t punish them, how do we put a stop to the lies? Keeping in mind the reasons why kids lie, we can create an environment where they feel safe telling the truth. The following seven tips can help you make your home a more honest place.”

Here are her seven steps. To read the entire article go to: Seven Steps to Encourage Honesty in our Kids and Put an End to Lying.

  1. Keep calm and parent on. If your kids worry about being yelled at or punished when they mess up, they won’t want to come to you with the truth. Focus on using a calm voice. That doesn’t mean kids are off the hook for lying. But instead of getting angry and assigning blame, discuss solutions to the problem with your child.
  2. Don’t set up a lie. When we ask questions to which we already know the answer, we’re giving our children the opportunity to tell a lie. Instead, emphasize ways to address the situation. Ask questions like: “What are your plans for finishing your work?” and “What can we do to clean this up and make sure it doesn’t happen next time?” This can help head off a power struggle and allows your child to save face by focusing on a plan of action instead of fabricating an excuse.
  3. Get the whole truth. Get to the root of the problem and why she couldn’t be honest. Open up a conversation gently, saying, “That sounds like a story to me. You must be worried about something and afraid to tell the truth. Let’s talk about that. What would help you be honest?”
  4. Celebrate honest. Say something like: “I really appreciate you telling me what really happened. That must have been difficult for you, but I really appreciate you telling the truth and taking responsibility.”
  5. Delight in do-overs. Turn the mistake into a learning opportunity. Ask, “If you could have a do-over, what would you do differently?” and brainstorm different ideas.
  6. Show the love. Let your kids know you love them unconditionally, even when they make mistakes. Make sure they know that while you don’t like their poor behavior, you will never love them any less because of the mistakes they might make. This helps your kids feel safe opening up to you.
  7. Walk the talk. Remember that your kids are always looking to you and learning from your actions. Those little white lies we tell, whether it’s to get out of dog sitting for the neighbors or helping with the school fundraiser, aren’t harmless – they’re showing your kids that it’s okay to lie.

Some of these principles we have highlighted many times before. But it is always good to review them in light of specific parenting situations we face.

Many of your children are not yet to the stage where they lie, for you, being forewarned may keep you from increasing the likelihood of more lying when it begins. For those of you who have already detected your children in lies, hopefully this and other articles will help you to discover the root cause of the lies your children tell.

A Better Way to Stop Lying is a previously published article on Your Child’s Journey that you may find helpful too.

French Parenting

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Could some of these techniques make parenting in the US and Asia easier? This is excerpt from Fox News, March 3, 2013

Pamela Druckerman, an American living in Paris, didn’t expect to find anything special about French parenting – but little by little, she noticed life was different for French parents. Easier, perhaps.

“Children in France typically eat much better, for starters,” said Druckerman, who is the author of Bringing Up Bebe, and its sequel, Bebe Day by Day: 100 Keys to French Parenting.

“You don’t have kids just eating kids’ food all the time. Grownups and adults eat the same thing. There were babies sleeping through the night much sooner than American babies around me.”

Druckerman said French parents are “old-school,” in that their life does not revolve entirely around their kids, and they are better at saying “no” and sticking with it.

“They don’t want to fall into that cycle of perpetual negation that we often find ourselves in America,” Druckerman said. “But, at the same time, they give kids a lot of freedom. French kids bake cakes and load the dishwasher at 3-years-old, and they make salad dressing.”

1. You are the keeper of the fridge.

“Kids don’t snack in between meals in France,” Druckerman said. “There is one official snack time of the day; in the afternoon, and basically they eat well at meal times.”

Druckerman said she thinks this is one of the reasons France has such low childhood obesity levels.

2. Don’t let your child interrupt you.
“I think in America, we have gotten used to stopping everything when the child comes in, and that’s why you have moms and dads who say, ‘I can’t finish a cup of coffee, I can’t finish a conversation with my spouse…’ In France, children, of course, try to interrupt – they’re normal kids – and parents will say, ‘Excuse me, honey, I’m in the middle of something; I will be with you in a minute.'”

3. Let them eat cake.
This means two things, Druckerman said. First, kids literally bake cakes – starting at an early age. “It’s a way of teaching kids patience and self-control,” she said. “The other side is, you get to eat cake at the end. But you eat it normally as an afternoon snack. So it takes a wait.”

4. Show kids you have a life apart from them.
A French friend of hers went back to work so her children saw their mother’s life did not revolve around them entirely, Druckerman said, adding that children need to see a “mysterious adult realm” that they can aspire to one day.

Alternately, parents should have alone time and show kids they like to have privacy.

5. Punish rarely, but make it matter.
This is all about choosing your battles, Druckerman said. “Have certain no-go areas that the kids accept as laws of nature,” she said. “One of those is politeness.” In France, kids must always say “hello, good-bye, please and thank you.”

But – you don’t have to jump on your child for every little thing they do wrong – or else a parent’s authority will ultimately be diminished.

Go to  Fox News, March 3, 2013, to see the whole article

Parenting in Public

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I read this article on line at Parenting.com.  It has so many practical ideas for helping children behave when in public. You know, most of the time, it has to do with how well you prepared ahead of time. This is a teaser, take time to read the whole article at: Parents.com

 

How to Parent in Public

Parenting when others are watching can be nerve-wracking, but a lot of those onlookers want to share advice, not pass judgment.
By Mindy Walker from Parents Magazine
child in toy store

One kid is dangling dangerously off your grocery cart. Another is pulling cracker boxes off the shelves. Your list has gone missing, the whining is growing noticeably louder, and you’re beginning to yell in that way that announces, “Mother of the Year in Aisle 5!” Parenting when others are watching can be tough, but it might help you to know that the grocery-store clerk is actually on your side. Same with the waiter, the flight attendant, and the nurse. Because of their jobs, they’ve seen nearly every child antic and tantrum you can possibly imagine. And it turns out that if you promise anonymity, they’ll share some pretty great coping tips.

See the tips from the following people you and your children will meet. Parents.com

From the grocery-store manager:

From the kids’ clothing-store owner:

From the children’s hair cutter:

From the toy-store owner:

From the nurse at the pediatrician’s office:

From the children’s librarian:

From the family-restaurant owner:

From the birthday-party entertainer:

From the flight attendant