Your Child's Journey

wisdom for the big steps little children take

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“Listen, Mom, Dad! Listen!’

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Our goal to know our children doesn’t seem like an impossible goal. But then, we can realize that a whole week has gone by and we haven’t said anything to our children except the necessities. That isn’t the worst part, we have let a whole week go by without hearing anything but one word answers to our questions along with a nod, shrug, or blank-eyed stare.

There is a simple way to make sure we are hearing what our children are thinking about. It begins with a plan and then the commitment to keep to the plan. Set aside 10 minutes a day to listen to each child.

Children each have their “best” time of the day to talk. For many children it is right after they arrive home from preschool, kindy, or school. They have lots of stories about their day that they want to share with someone who will listen. If this is your child, plan and commit yourself to taking the first 10 minutes after arriving home (and before chores) to sit, cuddle, and listen to your child. They may bubble over with information or they may soak up your presence for a while before talking. Either way, ask an open-ended question that cannot be answered with “yes”, “no”, a nod, a shrug, or a simple fact. They have to think a little or remember something or express how an event made them feel. Follow-up questions may ask about how they reacted, what were other ways they could have responded, or what they want to do about it.

After 10 minutes, they may follow you into the kitchen and talk more while you prepare dinner. Keep your heart open and be ready to be a support and encourage your child.

For some children, it is during the bedtime routine that they want to open up. If this is your child’s best time, then plan your 10 minutes of listening as part of the bedtime routine. As they get into their teen years, bedtime or later will probably become their favorite time to talk.

Another time may be in the car. Some children really like to talk when you are not looking directly at them. They may find it is easier to talk when your eyes are on the road. This is fine. Find the way your own child can most easily express themselves.

Now, the trick is not to use this time to correct them or tell them your own story or intimidate them. If they feel like they will only open themselves up for scolding or a lecture, they will soon find ways to avoid the 10 minutes with you.

At some other time in the next day or so, you may say that you have been thinking about what they talked about. Then you might be able to tell your story or share some other ideas about ways to handle similar situations. Don’t make this part of the 10 listening, though.

Soak up these precious moments with your child. Remember what they talked about. Think about how they are experiencing their world. They will love your attention and it will be one of their sweetest memories of childhood.

Happy Listening!

Slime

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Ah what fun my sister had with her grand kids playing with slime.

Here’s her recipe.

1 CUP Elmer’s White Glue
1 CUP Water
Mix thoroughly.
Add a few drops of food coloring.  Blue is pretty!
Add 1 CUP Liquid Laundry Starch- Be sure to shake well before using. It settles out!
Stir until MIXED
Let sit 5 minutes
Begin to KNEAD until ready.
You may need to add either more glue or more starch until slime is just right.
“just right” means, that it does not stick to your fingers – but is not too stringy.  It should be “elastic” in texture.

The Midnight Baptism

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One dark and stormy night (oh, yes, I know that first line is overused), Jane (only an alias because none of us want to think we could be like this), lost it.

It had been an exceptionally trying day with her toddler, Terror (not his real name, but definitely the right name for that day). Everything he had touched got broken, spilled, or lost. Everything he had said all day was at maximum volume and with such urgency it couldn’t be ignored.

Jane, on the other hand, had tried every good parenting technique she had ever read about. When they all failed, she fell back on screaming back at him, trying to ignore his antics, and crying.

Jane had finally gotten Terror to bed and was just sitting down to a soothing cup of chamomile tea, when Terror called, “Mommy,” in a sweet, soft voice. Touched by the change in tone and volume, she decided to go see what he wanted. Surely, this would just take a moment.

“Mommy, I want some water.”

“OK, Honey, just a minute.” Off Jane trotted to the sink to get a glass of water.

Back by his bedside, “Here you are.”

Terror looked up and said, “I don’t want any water.”

Jane shrugged, she tucked Terror under his cover and said, “Good night. See you in the morning.”

She just picked up her cup of tea when she heard, “Mommy, I want some water.”

Annoyed, she got a glass of water and told Terror to drink up. He announced that he didn’t need any water.

She said, “Are you sure? I don’t want to hear you ask for water again.”
“No, I don’t want water,” he said firmly.

She went back to her now lukewarm chamomile; she collapsed on her sofa.
Not one minute later, “Mommy, I really do need water!”

She carried the water to the room. Looked at that smug little Terror. Held the glass over his head and baptized him!

When the screaming stopped, she didn’t even really mind remaking his bed and changing his clothes. She had had the last word!

When she got back to the living room, she began to weep, “I’m the most awful mother in the world!” Fortunately, her husband was there and on his best form. “You are the best mommy Teddy (his real name) could have! You have just had one of the worst days ever with him and you both survived! Tomorrow will be better. I love you. I love the mother you are to Teddy, and I’ll pray for you. God will give you the wisdom and the grace you need to be the best possible mommy for Teddy.”

What a guy! Sometimes a good husband is better than a whole pot of chamomile tea. And the next day was better.

Here are some things to think about:
Some days are just horrible days. Everything seems to go wrong. That’s life and everyone faces days like this sometimes.

Most children have bad days sometimes. Some have more than the average, but they are still normal.

Consider the cause:

  • Is your child physically well? Sometimes teething, an ear ache, sore throat, or rash is really the cause of the bad behavior.
  • Is there tension in the home? Contention between parents or other adults living with you will stir your child to be more troublesome than usual.
  • Are you preoccupied? Some one-on-one attention with the trouble maker will reassure him that you still love him and are there for him.

Some ways to deal with your ‘Terror’:
One mother knew she was getting too angry at her misbehaving son. She needed a time out. She took him to his room (knowing he was safe there) and told him he must stay there until they both calmed down. This was not rejection or punishment; it was a wise way to prevent a punishment explosion.

One time a teething baby cried so much and nothing had worked. To get a break from the screaming, his mom put him in his crib, closed the door and turned up the music. After a while she was able to go back and try again to cuddle and console her hurting baby. Again, knowing her limits, she took care of herself too.

Some experts suggest that you should never let a child cry like that; others say that letting them cry, if there is no other serious problem causing their discomfort, can be the only thing you can do. In this mom’s case she made a decision that helped her and her baby.

Take advantage of times when someone else can watch your child for a while. Don’t use those times for chores. Do what will really rest and refresh you.

Having a confidante, prayer partner, or friend that you can confide your anger and frustration to can make all the difference.

Pay attention to what your husband says about the situation. Sometimes he can see a solution that you can’t because you are too close to the problem.

Be ready to encourage another mom you meet that is having a horrible, no good, awful day with her child. It will make you both feel better. Midnight baptisms do give way to sunny mornings.

Get Your Child to Listen

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Mom yelling in megaphone“How many times do I have to tell you?” Do you find yourself saying this or at least thinking it often?

When our children are not doing what we tell them to, it is a good idea to stop and think about what may be causing this to happen. When we know the why, we can usually find a way to solve the problem. Sometimes our children have just gotten into the habit of not listening, but sometimes there is a different cause. Here are a few reasons your child may not be doing what you have been telling them to do.

The wide-angle lens
If your child is very easily distracted by noises or lights or even the sensation of a breeze on their skin, he may be experiencing his world through a wide-angle lens. These children are not purposely ignoring what you say. But they hear your voice as only part of the background noise.

For any easily distracted children, get down on their level, make sure you have eye contact and then tell them what you need them to hear.

Overwhelmed with Words
Some children cannot sort out the important from the extra words in a sentence. Many parents just talk too much, especially when they want their children to hear something. The more they say, the less the child hears.

For these children, make your directions as clear and to the point and in as few words as possible.

The Forgetter
Forgetters don’t remember what they were sent to do. It may be caused by a short attention span or it may be an inability to remember 2 or more items at a time.

For the persistent forgetter, be sure you have their attention before talking. Start with only 2 simple commands at a time. Hold up your index finger and say the first item and then the second finger and say the second item. Have the child copy your actions and words. When they can successfully handle 2 move on to 3 and gradually move to a longer list of directions.

Too Focused
These children get so involved with whatever they are doing that they really do not even hear you. They may look you in the eye, but their mind is still on their current line of thought. They may nod their heads and even repeat your words, yet not have heard your words.

For the overly focused child, you must set up routines. They must know that there are times to play and there are times they must do chores or other activities. Set a timer or remind them a few minutes before they must close down whatever it is that they are zoomed into. Don’t allow a game or electronic device to engage your child for too long at a time.

A few other things parents can do to be heard by their children:
Be Considerate. Don’t interrupt your children unnecessarily. If the request can be delayed, give them a reasonable time frame to complete the task.

Don’t repeat yourself. Children will get used to not listening because they know you will repeat yourself. They will wait till the very last moment to obey. Stop repeating yourself. When you know they have heard you the first time, if they don’t obey, let the consequences follow.

Use Consequences.

  • Let natural consequences occur whenever possible. “Since you didn’t put your shoes on, we are not going to the park.”
  • Use consequences that are related to the infraction. “You didn’t put your Lego away when I told you, so they are mine for 2 days.”
  • You can also have blanket consequences for not listening. “When you don’t listen the first time, you have chosen a time out.”

Our children must listen and follow directions in school. If they don’t, there are consequences. Should we expect less than teachers do?

When our children learn that they must listen to what we say, remember what they are to do, and complete the tasks in a timely manner, our homes will be more peaceful and enjoyable for everyone.

Nagging and Negotiating

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girl beggingThis article is not about your habits of nagging and negotiating, it’s about your kids’. However, they may have learned it from you in the first place. We may not even realize we nag or negotiate. When our kids don’t do what we say the first time we ask, we may begin a downward spiral.

When we ask our children over and over again, we are nagging. Nagging sends the message that we don’t really expect them do to what we say. Sometimes when they don’t comply, we begin to plead or negotiate for obedience. Children who are used to nagging or negotiating tend to wait until that ‘certain’ point when they know they must obey. We really must not nag or negotiate, as they can catch the habit and become very skilled at getting their way.

They discover how effective it can be in just one moment of weakness when we cave in and let them have what they want. It only takes once. From then on, they will try it on everything from a sweet before dinner to staying up a little later to expecting a toy every time they go shopping with you.

They will try it on every adult involved in their care. But if you observe carefully, you may see that they never try it with certain adults. Maybe they torment you and your husband, but never seem to do it at preschool. They may hassle your parents, but never nag your husband. Perhaps that adult knows the key is to never, ever give in. The kids know it and quit trying with them.

But any learned behavior can be unlearned. That’s the truth. It only takes consistency.

Amy McCready, at Positive Parenting Solutions, has a three-word answer that will stop nagging. She calls it, “Asked and answered.” Here is her example of how it works:

The concept is simple. When seven-year-old Daniel begs to dig a giant hole in the front yard and gets “no” for an answer, chances are he’ll be back in five minutes asking again – this time with a “pleeeeeeaase” just so you know he really, really wants to dig the hole.

Instead of repeating yourself or jumping in to a lecture, avoid child nagging by getting eye to eye and follow the process below:

Step One: Ask, “Have you ever heard of ‘Asked and Answered’?” (He’ll probably say no.)

Step Two: Ask, “Did you ask me a question about digging a hole?” (He’ll say yes.)

Step Three: Ask, “Did I answer it?” (He’ll probably say, “Yes, but, I really ….”)

Step Four: Ask, “Do I look like the kind of mom/dad/teacher who will change her/his mind if you ask me the same thing over and over?” (Chances are Daniel will walk away, maybe with a frustrated grunt, and engage in something else.)

Step Five: If Daniel asks again, simply say, “Asked and Answered.” (No other words are necessary!) Once this technique has been established, these are the only words you should need to say to address nagging questions.

So the next time your child tries to nag or negotiate for their way, try ‘Asked and Answered.’ It saves arguments, whining, and frustration. Try it and keep using it. When they have asked and gotten the same answer 12 times or more, they will retire the tactic. In a few weeks or months, they may try again, just remember, “Asked and Answered.”

For some other help on getting your kids to do what you want the first time you ask, please read what Dr. Leman says in, Have a New Kid by Friday:

Top 10 list of what it takes to discipline kids

Two techniques that work.