Your Child's Journey

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New Year Goals

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It is January 1, 2019. The old year is finished, whether well or poorly. The new year is a new opportunity for you and your spouse and your children. I got this article by email and wanted to share this good advice with all the couples who receive these emails.

Are your goals for 2019 as useless as a to-do list on your hand?

The following article is from The Gottman Institute. I hope you will take a few minutes to see how you and your family can build a stronger, better, and happier family in 2019.

“Unfortunately, New Year’s Resolutions are almost synonymous with poor follow through—about 80% of resolutions fail by the time mid-February comes along.

For couples, setting goals to improve their relationship may not be the first thing that comes to mind at the turn of the calendar year. But being intentional about improving communication, trust, and satisfaction can yield significant positive change. This is true for couples in both healthy and unhealthy relationships.

The challenge, then, is to understand why relationship-related New Year’s Resolutions (and goals in general) so often fail.

Consider these common reasons

  • Goals are not in line with individual values. If the goal doesn’t enhance each person’s sense of self and authenticity, then it won’t enhance the relationship, either.
  • Goals are too big. It’s easy to give up on goals if they’re large and intimidating. By chunking them down into small actionable steps, it’s easier to stay consistent with them.
  • Goals are not measurable. It’s fine to say, “We want to communicate better.” But if the goal is left there, how will the couple truly know whether and when it’s been achieved?
  • Goals need to be specific and created in a way so it can be intuitively measured or identified.
  • Goals only focus on the short-term. Couples should regularly evaluate their six month, one year, five year, and 10+ year visions—as a couple and individuals. This helps bridge the gap between short-term and long-term success.

The following suggestions can be used to jump-start your goal-setting session for the new year. These goals reflect specific and measurable actions which can truly enhance communication, trust, and overall relationship satisfaction.

Stay screen-free during meals

This means no phone, no social media, and no television, whether eating at home or while dining out. Why is this so important? Research shows that “phubbing,” which is “the act of snubbing someone in a social setting by looking at your phone instead of paying attention,” leads to lower levels of relationship satisfaction. Be present.

Schedule a weekly date

It’s easy to let a busy schedule take over your life. Couples who make time for quality time with each other create wonderful opportunities to bond. Plan for major holidays (Valentine’s Day, Mother’s/Father’s Day, etc.) as well as new and novel activities (trips to a museum, new restaurants, sporting events, day hikes, etc.).

Plan a vacation

Research shows that planning a vacation brings as much joy (if not more) than the actual vacation itself. And preparing for a trip requires cooperation, saving, and creativity.

Volunteer together

Working together to serve others is a powerful bonding exercise—and sets a good example for children, as well.

Read books together

These can be books specific to relationship-building (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman is a fantastic choice) or any other genre that both people will enjoy.

For a relationship to thrive, partners need to be committed to strengthening the shared bond. To this end, setting relationship-based goals can be extremely effective.

In addition to setting goals together, couples should employ strategies to help hold each other accountable. Examples include weekly scheduled check-ins, scheduling events directly on calendars, or even fun little incentives, such as a meal out or gifts to each other.

Not only will this foster a loving and meaningful relationship, but it will also enhance the well-being of both people involved.”

Get Grateful

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As we’re getting ready for Christmas, it is a great time to focus on instilling in our children how to express gratitude.

When I see a young person with an entitlement mentality, I can foresee an unhappy life ahead for them. If they think that everyone owes them something, they will not be satisfied with what they have and will expect others to make them happy. This is a very sad way to live.

Amy McCready, writing for Today.com, says the Greater Good Science Center reports that gratitude actually blocks toxic emotions even as it allow us to celebrate the present. Grateful people are more stress-resistant and have a higher sense of self-worth.

We may not realize when our children are small, how important training them to say, “Thank you,” will be to their future happiness. Ways to express our gratitude grow as we mature. So, why not begin today to teach your little one ways they can express their thankfulness. What starts as a habit will become a way of life that is fulfilling and pleasing to everyone they associate with.

As preschoolers, we can teach them more than just saying, “thank you,” at appropriate moments. Here are Amy’s suggestions:

  • Create a thank-you. When your young kids receive gifts, they should be expected to create and send a thank-you picture or short note within one day (or at the rate of one or two thank-you’s per day).
  • Be polite to Mr. Bear. Role-play using good manners and saying “thank you” using stuffed animals and action figures.
  • Pick your top 3. At dinner or bedtime, take turns sharing the three best things about your day. 
  • Commit it to memory. Find and memorize thank-you prayers, songs or poems.
  • Make a different kind of gift list. Write down the things (preferably handmade) your preschoolers would like to give friends and family as holiday gifts.

To read more of Amy’s article and suggestions for older children, see: Get  Grateful!

To read about gift buying and how to involve your children in giving, see: Gift Giving

My prayer for you is a holy and joyous Christmas season filled with love.

Introducing The Couple and Baby Class

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This has been an exciting and busy month for me. The Couple and Baby Class is up and ready. This is my newest venture. If you have been receiving the First Steps or Next Steps bulletins for any time, you have seen my passion to help young couples build strong marriages and be great parents.

The Couple and Baby class is designed for husband and wife to take together sometime after confirming pregnancy and before the baby is six months old. (Of course, it can be taken at other times, but this is the optimum time.)

Since marriage is about husband and wife, and pregnancy takes both participating, parenting will also work best with both involved. The Couple and Baby Class will help both Dad and Mom to live well with each other through the ups and downs of pregnancy, make the most of delivery and immediate post-natal time, and raise a baby through childhood.

The class is free of charge. This is not a money making scheme for me. It is valuable information and will make a great difference in the lives of those who take the class. I want as many couples as possible to take this class. It will help them build their marriage to withstand the stresses of parenting through pregnancy, newborn, and childhood. Couples will learn how they can have a strong, happy, good marriage for life. Because they are stronger and have the tools to deal with conflicts, their children will be more secure and have the benefits of growing up in a healthy family.

The class is on-going. That means couples may begin at any time. The class may be completed quickly or paced out over a few months. It is meant to fit into your life-style and schedule. Each of the ten classes is designed to take about an hour to complete.

Even if you have gone through more or less of the baby to preschool years, you may benefit from some of the lessons and you could contribute comments or help with discussions that come up from younger parents.

If you have friends, colleagues, or family members that you think would benefit from joining the class, please recommend they join the class. You may pass on this link: The Couple and Baby Class

Let’s Begin: Lesson 1

I welcome any comments or questions you may have about this new venture. You may write to me by replying to this email or at: Diane

Are You Tired?

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Mother’s Day is coming. Moms, this is for you!

The Scripture that comes to mind is from Matt. 11:28-30. “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Is there any mom of a baby or small children who is not tired and burdened? I haven’t met her! So, if you are tired and burdened, there is good news for you.

God knows what you are dealing with right now. He knows your baby cries at all hours of the day and night. He knows you get frustrated with the constant demands. He knows that you worry about whether you are doing the right things for your baby.

You are not alone! You are part of a world-wide community of women going through the same things. Oh, true enough, you have different realities. For some, the worry about clean water and enough food add to their stresses. For some, the expectations of the extended family make motherhood a puzzle to work out. Others are left on their own to ‘figure out’ how to parent too soon after baby’s birth.

But, Jesus tells us the secret to finding rest is in your relationship with Him. When you are on talking-terms with the Lord, He can give you calm, even when there seems to be a storm around you. His Spirit will alert you when there is something you should do for your baby and also alert you to information that will make your job easier.

When your soul is at peace, everything else seems easier. So take the time to meditate on Scriptures, listen to worship songs and sing along, pray about everything. Does that sound hard? Every time you sit down to feed your baby, pray for you, your husband, your baby. When you are awake at night for a feeding or nappy change, think about a Bible passage that you are learning. Keep Christian music in the background and the Spirit will alert you to words you need to hear.

Of course, you won’t be able to do all the church activities that you did before baby. You may not be able to have the long stretches of in-depth Bible studies. God knows that. He doesn’t judge you. Don’t beat yourself up. A tender heart, open to His promptings, is all He desires from you right now. The time will come again when you can be more involved in these activities, maybe even leading studies or teaching Sunday School. But don’t feel that you are a second class Christian because you have to take some time off these activities.

I remember so well, my frustrations with my first baby. We were pastoring in a small church full of young families. As soon as the meeting started, my baby always cried first. I would have to take him out to another room. Almost immediately, another mom or two would bring their small children to me and say, “Since you’re here, can I leave mine here too?” What was I to say? “No, you can feed or change or play with mine while I go back into the meeting.” But about the time when I wanted to stay home because I ended up in the baby room all the time, something wonderful would happen. Sure enough, mine was the first to start crying. But there was one married woman who had never been able to conceive. She would come over, reach for my son, take him in her arms and walk and rock him to sleep. For one whole service, I could do nothing but soak in the love of God and praise Him. God knew how to give rest to my soul.

Your situation will be different, but I know God has everything at his disposal to give you the rest you need when you turn to Him.

Just one other note: Don’t be afraid to ask for help. There are those people around you who would help if they knew what you need.

Be blessed, Mom! These baby and small child years will pass quicker than you think. Find rest so that you can savor these days and weeks and months with your little one.

 

How Can We Connect?

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I have been reminded this month of the importance of connecting with your children. Modern living fills our ears and eyes with so much information and uses up our energy getting from one place to another. Children who do not have time to spend with their parents miss out on the wisdom and values that are caught better than taught. Others can take care of our children, but they will imprint them with their own values and behavior.  So, the big question is, “How can we connect?”

Consider your work situation

Here are some things to think about.

  • How important is it that both parents work outside the home? Could you manage on only one income or is it possible for one parent to work from home? It may mean quite a severe cut of income, but could this be made up in savings from cooking more at home and having the leisure to shop for bargains?
  • If both must work outside the home, is it possible for one to work nearby so that they could eat lunch with the child or be able to cut the number of hours that a caregiver must be hired?
  • If both must work outside the home, it is vital that the caregiver is well chosen. That person or persons must have similar values and philosophy of parenting as you. They must have the strength and energy to care well for a very mobile youngster. The place where they care for your child must be safe and clean.

Ideas for Connecting

With the care-giving in place, here are some suggestions for ways to connect with your child.

  • Spend as much time with your child as possible. This does not mean time with your child AND your hand phone or computer. This means time you are playing with your child, or cuddling, or reading, or listening. (Quality does NOT make up for quantity. Both quantity and quality time are important!)
  • Let them share as much of your life as possible. Take them with you when you run errands. Find ways they can play in the same room where you are doing chores. Teach them how to help you with chores so you can work side-by-side as soon as possible. (Begin before the age of 2. This is when they still think it is FUN to help you.)
  • Read with your child every day. If you want your child to do well in school, begin with pre-reading skills by reading books together. Have them turn the pages and point to things you mention on the page. Ask them questions about what you read. Make noises and actions to explain anything they don’t understand from the story. Their vocabulary will grow along with their love of reading because this is connected with time and cuddling with you.
  • Each parent should take care of the children to allow the other to have some “Me Time.” It doesn’t need to be a long time, but should be often enough and for long enough to do something that is rejuvenating.
  • Plan enough time in the morning and again in the evening to make getting dressed fun time with you (both parents if at all possible) and your child. Don’t make it a chore you have to endure and get finished.
  • Find time every week what the whole family can do something together that everyone can enjoy. These activities change as baby becomes toddler and then preschooler. Also, the addition of another child changes the mix. But “Family Fun” is important for everyone. Don’t miss it!

There are so many other good ways to connect with your child! Please share your ideas by email Diane. I will compile your ideas and share them in a future post.