Conflicts and the Gentle Start-Up

August 2, 2017 By Diane Constantine

The next series of lessons relate to conflicts in marriage. All couples have conflicts. The way we handle them will make all the difference in the damage or strength they bring to our marriage.

The goal we should have for our marriage is to decrease the frequency, the intensity, and the duration of conflicts. That means we fight less often. When we argue, we don’t get so angry and hostile. And we settle our disagreements more quickly.

In this series of lessons we will be covering 5 parts of Constructive Problem Solving. They are:

Gentle Start-up
Take a Break
Accepting Influence
Solvable and Perpetual Problems
Repair and Compromise

We realize that during an argument, you are not going to reach for these lessons to go through these steps. But it is our goal to help you develop attitudes that will help you find good solutions. There will be exercises to help you learn some good techniques for making your arguments less stressful and more conducive of positive change.

So that conflicts do not tear your relationship apart, it is important that you are aware of the most dangerous threats to your marriage. There are four negative communication behaviors that are toxic to a relationship. If any of these are present in your relationship, now is the time to stop them and take positive steps to save your marriage. These behaviors are guaranteed to decrease your marital satisfaction and if they continue are the greatest predictors of divorce. So, what are they?

Criticism is judging and blaming the other. It frequently includes “always” or “never” statements and negative labels or name-calling,
Defensiveness is self-protective behavior. It often includes counter-attacks, whining, and denying our responsibility.
Contempt is taking a superior attitude. It includes sarcasm, mockery, and/or character assassination.
Stonewalling is withdrawing from interaction. This is done with silence, turning away, refusing eye contact, or leaving the scene.

When there are some or all of these toxic behaviors along with more negative than positive relationship connections the stage is set for marital breakdown.

We want to avoid this at all cost. You have already invested so much time, energy, and money into your relationship. It is valuable to you. Anything that is valuable is worth taking the time and effort to keep in good repair.

The Gentle Start-Up

At the Gottman Institute they have studied thousands of couples and have sorted them into the Masters and the Disasters. The Masters have learned and practiced healthy relationship skills. They still argue, but they have learned ways to deal with the real issues, explain their needs and desires, and hear their mates so they can come to good, workable compromises. Their first step in an argument is a gentle start-up.

The first 3 minutes of when a problem is raised usually determines how well the conflict will be resolved. Gottman says, ”Conversations invariably end on the same note that they begin.” So, the gentle start-up has the best chance of finding a good resolution.

In order to have a gentle start-up you must think before exploding. This is much more possible if you deal with disagreements one at a time and have not stockpiled them. Plan a good time to discuss what is bothering you, a time that works well for both of you. Don’t start an argument on an empty stomach or when you’re too tired to think.

The initial statement may be a complaint, but it should not include any blame. It should focus on a specific problem you want to discuss. It may address the other person’s behavior, but not his or her perceived character flaws.

Use statements that start with “I” instead of “you.” When we use “you” statements we put our mate on the defensive. When we use “I” statements we are more likely to voice our need or desire in a way they can hear and respond to. Using “we” statements are even better as they show how we can work together to solve the problem. Be sure to include appreciation and gratitude. This keeps the discussion on a positive track. Remembering ways our spouse has helped or behaved well in the past, is a great way to ask for more.

Be prepared to tell your spouse clearly what you want or don’t want. No one is good at reading minds. If you cannot state what you desire clearly, you are not ready to talk about the issue.

Bathe the whole start-up with kindness. Keep to one issue and use polite words and tone for the best results.

For example: “I miss the little gifts you used to bring me. They made me feel special, even when they didn’t cost much money. Lately, I feel like you don’t remember me when you are away from home.”

Time for Some Practice

Get some practice wording complains without accusation or character assassination. Gentle Start-ups lead to much better resolutions. The Gentle Start-Up Exercise.

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Gentle Start-Up Exercise

August 2, 2017 By Diane Constantine

Take turns reading one of the Harsh Start-up statements. The other will try to turn the Harsh Start-up into a Gentle Start-up. If you have trouble doing this, then work together to find a way you agree would be a Gentle Start-up if this were a problem in your marriage. Make this a team exercise, not an excuse to criticize or complain.

Harsh Start-ups:

We never do anything fun anymore. You are a workaholic!
You haven’t helped me with chores for weeks. I’m exhausted and you don’t even notice.
You’re so thoughtless. You don’t call me when you’ll be late or ever bring me flowers.
You always talk about yourself. Do you even care about my day?
You aren’t attracted to me anymore! You flirt with everyone else.
We got a collection notice today. You are irresponsible about paying our bills.
You never play with the kids. You’re a lousy parent.
You never say, “No” to the kids. You spoil the kids and I look like the ‘bad guy.”
Go back to the store for the things you didn’t buy!
You’re a slob! Look at this mess.

Need some help in softening these harsh start-ups?

Think about ways to remember some success in the past in this trouble area. Affirm and appreciate any past success or progress in this area.
Replace “never” and “always” with a statement about the current problem not the past.
Think about what the “real” issue is instead of poking at several issues.
Eliminate character assassination or name calling.
Find ways to use “I” statements instead of “You” statements.

Playing Together

July 3, 2017 By Diane Constantine

In an earlier article, we talked about Mom and Dad During Pregnancy. We discussed the attitudes and assumptions moms and dads may have about pregnancy, birth, and childrearing. It included an exercise to help couples discuss the pregnancy, their expectations of parenting roles, fears and plans for delivery and bringing baby home.

Co-parenting begins in pregnancy. During pregnancy, the couple should make it a priority to grow their friendship. Make time every day for meaningful talk, learning more about each other, and practice thoughtfulness. This builds a strong foundation to withstand the stressful weeks after baby’s arrival. Those who do best during the early days with baby have a high level of comfort in sharing hopes, fears, and needs.

In my article on Bonding and Brain Chemicals, we see that parents who spend time together and are involved in the preparation, as well as the delivery of their baby, are helped along by their brain chemicals in the bonding process with baby. We are designed so that mom, dad, and baby bond into a caring, nurturing family.

The Gottman Institute studied over 150 parents before and after their first child. Almost two-thirds reported heightened conflict, relationship disappointment, and hurt feelings post-baby. These were the Disasters. What were the Masters doing to make their marriages satisfying while adjusting to parenthood?

The Masters were intentional about their rituals of connection. Last month we talked about establishing rituals in the article: The Positive Point of View. Parenting together is more than just playing together. A good place to start is to develop a morning routine of feeding, playing, and taking care of the baby together. Later every day, spend time unwinding and connecting with each other’s worlds. Make some special plans for a family outing on the weekends. Don’t slip into only doing what is necessary to survive, but find ways to make each other feel special and important to the family. No need to spend a lot of money or use huge amounts of time or energy. These connections just must be important to each member.

How do you play with your baby together?

Mom, dad, and baby need to have time together every day to play. Find a time when baby is awake and comfortable and mom and dad can be fully present.

Both parents should be equally included in the game they are playing with baby. Neither should withdraw from the game and neither should take over or prevent the other from playing. It is meant to be a fun time for all. One parent may start the game, but invites the other parent and makes room in the game for him or her.

Both parents need to be paying equal attention to the game and to baby. Put your phones and work away and turn off the TV. When baby tires of one game, start another. It can be a simple as smiling and making some nonsense sounds. As baby matures, the games can become songs with motions. Whatever you enjoy doing together can be the game.

Babies as young as three months are able to understand the game includes both parents. When the play is not coordinated, parents become competitive and dissatisfied with the game. The baby becomes confused and over stimulated.

Both parents should be equally emotionally involved in the game. Watch baby’s reaction and show a similar emotional reaction to the play. This means if the game fails, both parents are equally empathetic with the baby. If baby gets over-stimulated, both parents stop the play and allow baby to recover. Play is only restarted when baby looks at the parents with interest in play again. If you need a refresher on over-stimulation, see Turning Towards Our Child.

Supporting one another in co-parenting

We need to be supportive of one another. Some days it will be harder to find the time to play together. Some days we just feel grumpy and out of sorts. It is days like this that we need to encourage each other to take the time to play. We’ll all feel better for the effort.

We need to continue to appreciate the efforts each one is putting into the whole parenting role. Be thankful for anything your spouse does to include you and baby together.

Moms and dads make mistakes with baby. They may overstimulate or miss cues for help. We need to allow our mates to make mistakes. Don’t ridicule or scold, instead help them recover. This will be a lifelong process, so it’s good to start early. We all make parenting mistakes. Our children will survive, especially if we are parenting as a team.

Together celebrate the successes with baby. Each tiny step brings so much joy especially when we are experiencing these times together. Even when your spouse wasn’t there when baby did some new, amazing thing, be sure to share and wait for the time it is repeated for your spouse to see too.

As your baby grows to a boy or girl, keep parenting together. Find ways to interact together every day. Make dinner time a time to see into your child’s heart. Don’t use it for correcting or scolding. Include your child in as many of your activities as possible. Tell them how much you love them. You only have a few short years to lay the foundation for their successful life. Don’t waste it.

Time for Some Practice

Plan and set aside some time each day to play with your baby or child together.

One parent begins a game. This can be anything your baby or child likes to do with you. Parents take turns playing with your baby or child while the other looks on. When your baby or child is no longer interested in that activity, the other parent should initiate a different game or activity. With older children, one may read a book and then the other lead the family in singing some favorite songs. But do it all together.

Pay close attention to your baby or child’s reactions. Is he smiling and interested? Has she turned away or begun to push away from the activity? Try to predict how long they are interested. End play while everyone is still smiling and feeling content.

If your baby or child has gotten over stimulated, see if you can identify at what point they lost interest or showed they didn’t like the play. How did you both respond? How did your baby or child self soothe? Were you able to play any more after soothing or did you need to begin the bedtime routine or other activity?

Take a few minutes to talk about the play time. This will help you plan future times to enjoy together as a family.

The next lesson in the Parenting Together section is: Affirm Your Child

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The Positive Point of View

June 3, 2017 By Diane Constantine

We have been discussing how we build a strong foundation for our marriage by paying attention to our relationship. We know our spouse: their likes and dislikes, what makes them happy and sad, what happened in their past that has formed their character, what they believe and how they live what they believe. We add to that by appreciating and affirming them with both words and actions. We recognize when they reach out to us for connection. We connect in good ways as much as possible and limit the times we turn away or turn against them. All of this makes up the foundation for our healthy marriage relationship.

The honeymoon period in our relationship allows our romantic attraction and excitement to “suspend judgement and ignore and forgive things that deserve more examination.” As the honeymoon ends, we must get down to the real work of building and maintaining love.

With the wedding over, job and living arrangement changed, then pregnancy, babies, and children; we need to be proactive to keep our marriage intact. We need a positive point of view.

Gottmans define the positive perspective as, “Believing in your relationship and giving your partner the benefit of the doubt even when things go wrong. It means to assume the best intentions and to use positive emotions (like humor, interest, affection, and empathy) to de-escalate the problem when conflict occurs.”

Some of us were born optimists. We tend to look for the best in other people. Optimists are hopeful and confident about the future. But even optimists can get discouraged when they are not getting any positive feedback and affection from the one they are married to. Others are more pessimistic and must work even harder to believe in the relationship and not doubt their mate. So, we all need to take seriously the work of maintaining a positive perspective on our marriage.

It is important that we develop patterns that help us keep our fondness and admiration growing. Here are some things we can practice to build and maintain this positive perspective.

Say “thank you” often. My husband did not want to forget to say thank you for meals I cooked. So he’d even thank me when he had cooked the meal. I would laugh and say, “But you cooked it.” He’d respond, “I know, but I always want you to know I really appreciate you.” This little habit added lots of credit to his account with me.

Pay attention to what interests your spouse. I learned enough about football to enjoy watching good plays. My husband always looks at my crafts and notices the progress. We pay attention to what is important to each other.

Respond positively to your spouse’s cues for connection. A little time, attention, and connection goes a long way to making your spouse feel cherished.

Be empathetic and show you care. You cannot fix every challenge your spouse faces, but you can show you care and understand how they are affected by what is happening.

Share your joys. Find something pleasant about every day to share with your spouse.

Keep a healthy sense of humor. Don’t poke fun at your spouse with your humor. Don’t be crude or cruel in your humor. Find things you both genuinely enjoy laughing about and laugh often. Being able to see the funny side of things will come in handy to de-escalate tensions.

Talk every day! You cannot keep up-to-date on your spouse’s needs, stresses, and joys if you do not talk. You talked for hours at a time when you first fell in love. Make time every day to talk. You need it to de-stress and to support each other.

Keep and Update your rituals. Every family has rituals, the way they do things. Some of the rituals are helpful to building relationships, some cause pain and embarrassment. You and your spouse have rituals already. You may not have thought about them, but they are there. This is a good time to look at the rituals you experienced in your homes growing up and the rituals you have now. Talking about them can help you choose which ones you want to keep, which ones to discard, and what new rituals you want to start.

Time for Some Practice

Try the Rituals Exercise with your spouse. See how your relationship can be enriched by practicing good rituals and discarding bad ones.

The next lessons in this series are about Dealing with Conflicts. We will take a look at ways to disagree that will lead to improvement in your relationship. There are different types of disagreements and therefore different ways to deal with them so your relationship isn’t destroyed in the process. The first lesson is: Conflicts and the Gentle Start-up

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Relationship Disconnects

May 3, 2017 By Diane Constantine

Recently we talked about The Relationship Account. If you haven’t read that article, you can see it here: The Relationship Account

In that article we listed some approaches to create a moment of connection. Some of the approaches will stir an equal, or at least automatic, response from your spouse. Like when one winks or nods, the other will almost automatically respond in kind. Or when one reaches out with a pat or hug, the other usually responds similarly. This is assuming the relationship is in pretty good shape. Even these approaches can be rebuffed if the relationship account is near zero.

Here we’ll look at some of the things that interfere with making positive deposits into your relationship.

Reasons for Disconnects:

The approach is not clear. This may happen if the one making the approach is not sure how the other will respond. Perhaps there have been some irritable responses during the day. They may waver about how to approach. Is this a good time to wink or pat? Or perhaps it would be better to write a note first or would it be better to give a big hug and kiss? When this kind of indecision is boiling up inside, the approach may seem half- hearted or overly perky. The response then may be tepid or hostile. When this happens, disappointment and a withdrawal from the relationship account is almost certain.

The need is not clear. Another reason the approach is not met with a positive connection is that the one reaching out does not know how to state their need clearly enough to get the response they desire. When this happens their spouse may be confused and not respond well. The confusion and unfulfilled needs lead to more and more missed cues. Sex is one area where words may just seem too awkward.

When this happens enough they may decide it is not worth taking the chance of being rejected or humiliated. They will just avoid expressing their needs. That is never good because your spouse is the only one who should be meeting those needs. If they are not being met, the risk increases of reaching out to someone else. This couple may need to work out some code words or actions to signal desires they find too difficult to put in words.

The receiver wasn’t ready. There are many other reasons an approach nets an inadequate response and connection. Perhaps the receiver is pre-occupied and doesn’t even know an approach has been made. Or maybe they are just too tired to be aware of their mate’s attempts at connection. Before assuming our spouse has rejected us, we should take a quick inventory. Did they not see or hear us? Were they pre-occupied? What else was going on around them? Why not ask a gentle question or offer a drink, some food, time for a bath or nap? Showing a little kindness will often bridge the gap and open their heart to connection.

Sarcasm. This is the worst approach. This happens when the one with a need does not ask for what is needed, but instead gets angry and sarcastic with the other for not “knowing” what is needed. This usually doesn’t happen until an approach has been ignored or rebuffed a number of times. The level of hostility and contempt increases over time. The only way for the receiver to de-escalate the tension is to pay attention to the emotions expressed and not turn away. They must find the real need in the negative statement. They may ask, “What do you need?”

We know it is important to connect often and positively. It is also important to know what to do if we realize we are slipping into bad habits that deplete our relationship account?

Connect Often Every Day.

Make every connection as positive as possible. Don’t let a little touch or message or kiss go unanswered. Stop a moment and enjoy the connection.
If you sense in yourself irritation at the other’s approach, address the reason for the irritation. Are you too busy? Is there another way they could approach you that you would appreciate more? Are you angry with someone or something else? Set aside a time to talk to your spouse and clear the air.
If your spouse doesn’t seem to understand what you need, you must talk about it and find better ways to communicate your needs. Try some signals if words seem awkward at times.
Notice how your spouse approaches you and how they turn toward you. Try similar ways to approach and respond. Over time your spouse can learn new ways, but concentrate on the positives not the missed cues or responses.
Concentrate on small positive exchanges, don’t rely on big fancy gifts, dates, or trips to make up for arguments or an atmosphere of hostility.
Make the consistent message to each other show love, respect, and interest in one another’s lives.
Make mealtimes pleasant times. Don’t make dinner an opportunity to air your frustrations. Of course, this may happen occasionally, but don’t make it a habit.
Develop some family rituals for leaving and arriving home, meals, and bedtime. Make these opportunities to let each other know how much they mean to you and why you love them. You may think these would look silly to someone else, but don’t be inhibited. You know these are positive deposits in your relationship account.
If you or your spouse are tempted to sarcasm, recognize this is a very serious sign that your relationship is in danger. Seek help to repair the damage and begin to rebuild your relationship before it’s too late.

Gottman says, “If you don’t feel like you have a high positive to negative ratio in your relationship now, start working to increase the ratio. As long as you have some spark of affection or admiration left for each other, it isn’t too late to change your patterns and save your relationship.”

Time for Some Practice

Expressing Needs Exercise -may help you practice talking about your current needs that are not being met as you would like.

To read more on Healthy Marriage see: The Positive Point of View

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