Your Child's Journey

wisdom for the big steps little children take

You are here: Home / Archives for All Ages

Happiest Families

By

I read Eric Barker’s post 6 Things the Happiest Families Have in Common. I’d like to take his ideas and personalize them.

Have a mission statement

The happiest families have a mission statement. Another way to describe a mission statement is a set of goals the family is reaching for. It is very hard to know if we have done well, if we don’t know what the goal is. Having goals, we can periodically assess our progress and make adjustments to more nearly meet our goals. Or we may decide a goal has been reached or is no longer important and make some new goals.

You may need to take some time as parents to think and pray about what are your values and what goals you want for your family. You may make several goals as your mission statement. To help you get started, try completing the following statements.

  • “We want our family to be. . .”
  • “We want to be a family that. . .”

You may decide you want your family to be supportive of each member developing their talents. Or, you want to be a family that reaches out to those less fortunate than you are.

Share your family history

The happiest families tell and retell the family history. Grandparents and aunts and uncles tell stories from their childhood and even what they heard from their grandparents. Tell the good things to instill hope for success. But also share the tough times and how the family came through the crises. What did family members do that was praiseworthy? What has set your family apart from others?

When children know they are part of a family with a history, it can give them confidence to stand in times when they have to be different than the culture around them. They can say, “I’m a famly name, and our family doesn’t do things like that!”

Weekly family meetings

Many of you don’t have children old enough to have a family meeting. For you, it might be wise as parents to have a weekly meeting together and answer these questions for yourselves and with your little children in mind.

For those of you with children old enough to take part, set aside about 20 minutes once a week to give everyone a chance to answer these questions.

  • What worked well this week?
  • What didn’t work well this week?
  • What will we agree to work on in the coming week?

If the kids met the previous week’s goal, they get to pick a reward (with parent’s approval). If they did not meet their goal, they get to pick from previously agreed upon punishments.

Following this plan helps keep the goal before everyone’s minds. It also means you’re keeping short accounts and not adding to the list of failures week after week. There is much better chance of success if things are dealt with quickly and rewarded fairly.

How to fight right

Since no family can always escape fights between members, here’s a way to deal with fights where each one feels it is fair. When a fight breaks out:

  • Separate everybody to think about what just happened. This reduces the emotions that boiled over.
  • They get back together and come up with three alternatives. There must be three choices of resolutions.
  • They pick the one they like the best. This way everyone has a say and they have agreed on the solution. This keeps the parents from being dictators.

Family Dinner

With our busy schedules dinnertime may not work to get everyone together. You may choose any meal of the day when everyone should be present nearly every day. In most family dinners the amount of time for ‘real’ talk is only about 10 minutes when “pass the salt” and “get your elbows off the table” are excluded. In most families, the parents talk at least 2/3 of that 10 minutes. The happiest families turn it upside down and the children are the ones who talk 2/3 of the time.

Make sure everyone has a chance to say something to the whole family. They may tell about something that happened during the day, some news that others should know, or why they feel happy or sad.

Parents should teach one new word each day. Children who eat a meal each day with their parents are less likely to drink, smoke, do drugs, get pregnant, commit suicide, or develop eating disorders than kids who don’t eat with their family. They also have better academic achievement and fewer behavioral problems. So it is worth rearranging your schedule to include one family meal everyday.

Just Try!

Everyone wants a happier family. These are things that the happiest families all do. Will you succeed at all of them? Probably not, at least not all the time. But if you want to have a happier family, try to include these strategies into your family’s life. Just try! If you can’t do all of them, start with one of them. When you see that you can do that, try adding another.

Remember to pray for each member of your family every day. Bless your children as they begin and end their day. God will help you to set good goals and give you the wisdom you need to help your children grow to be the best possible version of themselves.

Eric Barker compiles information from many reputable sources to answer questions many of us have. You can receive his emails by requesting them at his blog, Barking Up the Wrong Tree.

For another article on finding fun in marriage see, Have Fun or Else!

The Day My Son Gave Up on Me

By

I have a guest writer for this month’s letter. Lauren writes a blog called, Oh Honestly! Please go have a look, she is willing to share the real life of a mother. Here’s her most recent post that touched my heart deeply.

Diane

Ever since our two sons began sharing a room, their bedtime routine has been the same. Baths, PJs, teeth, stories, cuddles. And every night as I leave their room, Eli always says, “Remember to come up, cuddle, and bring water!”

I head down the stairs with a quick, “Okay!” knowing full well that the likelihood of following through on that promise is next to nothing. The days are long, and by bedtime I’m ready for some downtime. Even then, I still need to finish cleaning the kitchen, pick up stray toys in the living room, and pack a lunch for my kindergartener before I can even consider sitting down.

Occasionally, after several minutes of quiet, the hollering will begin. Although it’s low at first, it quickly gains volume and frequency. “Mommy. Mooommmyyyy. MOOOOMMMMMMYYYY!!!”

So I stand at the bottom of the stairs and yell back in annoyance, “What??”

“Can you bring up water?”

“I’ll be up in a few minutes.”

I finish my current task, fill a couple of water bottles, and begrudgingly climb the stairs, annoyed that my ‘me time’ has been cut into. Quickly handing out the waters, I give one last round of kisses, and skedaddle on out of there as fast as possible, telling myself that my children need sleep. I’m just looking out for their best interests.

For over two years, some form of this scenario has played out nearly every night, which makes it all the more surprising that I didn’t notice when it recently changed.

I was cuddling with Samuel and listening with one ear as he told me his latest superhero tale while with the other I caught snippets of the conversation between Eli and my husband. ‘Mommy’ and ‘grump’ were the two words that stood out. I jokingly reached across the beds to tickle or pinch whatever flesh my hand could reach while crying, “Hey, who are you calling a grump??”

Not long after, I plopped myself in the living room chair beside my husband. As I settled in, he said, “Did you hear what Eli said? ‘Mommy was always grumpy when I’d call her to come back up to cuddle, so I stopped asking.’”

Immediately, I felt the old familiar weight of guilt drape itself over my shoulders like an unwelcome blanket on a hot day. I stood, dashed up the stairs, and rounded the corner into the boys’ bedroom. Eli had just dozed off. As I lay down on the bed, he stirred and I took the opportunity to whisper in his ear, “I love to cuddle you.”

He mumbled something back and drifted off again, arm around my neck, face pressed in close to mine, just the way he likes it. All was forgiven; the situation rectified.

But as I lay beside him, the true weight of his words hit me.

“I stopped asking.”

I never gave much thought to the way he perceived our nighttime ritual, always assuming my words and actions were inconsequential. Unbeknownst to me, however, my hurry to be somewhere else did not escape him, nor did my attitude. At some point he decided that it wasn’t even worth the trouble anymore.

Which makes me wonder what else he might eventually stop asking.

“Mommy, will you read to me?”

“Will you play with me?”

“Mom, listen to this joke!”

“Guess what happened at school today.”

“Will you watch me shoot hoops?”

“What do you think of this girl?”

“Can I talk to you about something important?”

And what will be my reply? What will be my attitude?

“In a minute.” That turns into three, four, ten, twenty minutes.

“I don’t have time right now,” mumbled in frustrated distraction.

“We’ll do it later.” And the pile of broken promises builds and builds.

My excuses may be valid and sometimes even necessary. Children need to learn patience and that sometimes something other than them must take priority. But it is my words coupled with my attitude, week after week, month after month, year after year: At some point maybe he’ll stop asking again, and it might be about something a lot more important than a glass of water and an extra hug.

So lately I’ve been giving longer cuddles at night and I’ve been making sure that when I say ‘Just a minute’, it really is just one minute.

My son gave up on me, but I realized it early enough to make it right. I shudder to think how life might turn out if I had learned that lesson too late.

Diane’s Comments:

I remember so well the ache of desire for a few minutes to myself at the end of the day. Oh what a relief to have my boys tucked into bed and oh my frustration when the process of getting them down dragged on longer than my patience.

I also know how very important it is to keep our word to our kids. My mom used to say, “I won’t make any rash promises.” I would groan, but I knew that she never wanted to break her word. I learned to trust her. Ah, moms, keep your word to your kids. It pays such big dividends as they become teenagers (yes, they will get there!) and even young adults. When we have to break a promise, they will know it was the unusual.

One last comment: Our kids forgive us easily when we admit having done wrong and ask for their forgiveness. It hurts our pride, but it teaches our kids how to admit their mistakes and how to make things right with others.

Thanks, Lauren, for sharing your story with us!

Blessings!
Diane

What a Difference a Mom Makes

By

Some time ago I bought Dr. Kevin Leman’s book, What a Difference a Mom Makes, the indelible imprint a mom leaves on her son’s life. There is so much in the book that will help moms raise their sons to be the kind of men she can be proud of.

He summarizes 10 of his main points in the following excerpt:

The Top 10 Countdown to Being an Awesome Mom

10. Remember, he’s a boy, not a girl.

9. I know he’s adorable, but he needs to be held accountable.

8. Don’t always pay attention to how he looks; pay more attention to his heart.

7. How you handle his failures is more important than how you handle his victories.

6. No two children in a family should be treated the same, because they’re not the same—including your boy.

5. Remember that your boy will only stay weird for about 15 years.

4. He’s the wavy line—all over the place. You need to be the consistent one.

3. Start with the end in mind. Who do you want your son to be?

2. You don’t get to relive moments. Make every day count.

1. Many have tried, and no one’s succeeded—you can’t do it all. But what you do will make a lasting difference in the life of your son.

Here are a few action points to help you in raising your son:

1. Make your home a place of connection.
A place of unconditional acceptance. . .
with a sense of belonging. . .
and the knowledge that you consider him competent and capable.

2. Teach him to be kind and courteous, and you’ll heap blessings on his head.

3. Be loving and consistent in your discipline.

4. Present age-appropriate choices.

5. Hold your child accountable for his actions.

6. Let reality be the teacher.

Whether or not you have a son, I hope you have seen some things that you want to incorporate in your parenting style. All kids can benefit from these good approaches to parenting.

TV and Electronic Gadgets in Kid’s Bedroom

By

I just read a really disturbing article in Great Schools.org. Great Schools is a very reputable site concerned with giving kids the best possible start in life. I would really like every parent to read this and heed the warning! Here are the highlights:

Is there a TV in your child’s room?

Research shows having a boob tube in your kiddo’s bedroom can be far more damaging than we ever knew.
By Jessica Kelmon

  • The average person will watch nine years of TV. Nine. Years.
  • And it starts early. The average American youth spends roughly 900 hours in school each year — and about 1,200 hours a year watching TV. (To do the math: 1,200 hours is 150 school days.)
  • In one study, kids ages 4 to 6 were asked whether they’d like to spend time with their dad or watch TV — 54 percent of them picked pixels over pops.
  • An estimated 71 percent of American kids ages 8 to 18 have a TV in their room. One study found 70 percent of third graders had bedside boob tubes.
  • Here’s the really bad news: researchers followed the kids and their parents two and four years later and discovered a TV in your bedroom is linked with both being overweight and continuing to gain weight. Two years in, kids with TVs in their rooms reported higher BMIs. After two more years, their BMIs had grown again. What’s particularly noteworthy is that obesity isn’t linked isn’t to the hours of TV being watched. It’s to the presence of the TV in their room. . .Certainly, having a TV in a child’s bedroom sets kids up to be sedentary and isolated — choosing, day after day and hour after hour, to be alone and immobile — an unhealthy way of life for any child.
  • Kids with TVs in their rooms read less, score lower on tests in school, tend to have sleep issues, and may be more likely to smoke in adolescence.
  • In 2011, 8 percent of all families had iPads; in 2013, that figure was 40 percent, according to Common Sense Media. What’s more, as of 2013, 75 percent of children 8 years old and younger have access to a smartphone or a tablet. All of these findings add up to the fact that it’s never been easier — TV or no TV — for children to be transfixed by endless hours of videos on YouTube, TV shows on Hulu, and movies on Netflix from the comfort of their rooms.

You may download a pdf version of the complete article here: Is There a TV in Your Child’s Bedroom?