Your Child's Journey

wisdom for the big steps little children take

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Open Ended Questions

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open-ended-question-markI have just returned home from an intense two-day training called Bringing Baby Home. Sound interesting? It really was. I’m looking forward to sharing what I learned with you. Even if your baby is already born and you are past the, “wonder” of birth, you may be wondering what you have gotten yourselves into.

Did you know there is research about that? There is. John Gottman and his colleagues saw a trend in the research they were doing with couples. Within three years of a baby’s birth their research showed a severe drop in marital happiness with an increase in conflict and hostility. This led them to intensively study couples before, during, and after having a baby. That research enabled them to predict, with great accuracy, which couples would be happy and which would not. Based on these findings, Bringing Baby Home has proven to be very successful in increasing the number of happy couples. The babies of these couples learned better and were happier too.

Over the months ahead I will be sharing parts of what I have learned. Gottman’s findings confirmed what we have already been teaching about healthy marital relationships. The new information is how the addition of a baby affects the couples’ relationship and the effects this has on the baby long term.

I will be sharing ways to help you and your spouse cope constructively with the changes brought about with the birth of a child. Pregnancy and delivery are just the start of the journey into parenting. So no matter how far along that road you are, there are steps you can take to strengthen your friendship and improve the outcome of your conflicts.

Here are some of the reasons why the birth of a baby causes so much unhappiness when it should be the beginning of one of the happiest parts of your life as a couple.

  • Identities change- women are now a mother as well as daughter, wife, etc. Men are now a father as well as son, husband, etc.
  • Time must be spent differently.
  • Values change towards work, finances, free-time, etc.
  • Sex and intimacy change.
  • Communication often decreases or becomes more stressful.
  • Some fathers withdraw and some moms rely more on female relationships for support.
  • Sleep deprivation is common.
  • Exhaustion and depression add stress.

Gottman describes the couples who succeed in these adaptations as “masters” and those who fail as “disasters.”

The goal is to help you be among the masters at integrating your baby into your family life.

The concepts I will be sharing are important throughout a couple’s relationship. The motto of the teaching is “small things often.” We completely agree. There is no one big thing that will ensure happiness. It is the small acts of kindness, small acts of understanding, and small acts of conflict regulation every day that will make a difference over time. The goal is to incorporate these skills into your daily life. That will make positive changes in your relationship. These small steps bring larger rewards over time as you continue your journey through life.

For this month, the first step to deepening your friendship is to know your spouse better by being aware of and learning their likes and dislikes, preferences, daily activities, hobbies, life dreams and history. You may have known each other well before your marriage and even through the first year or so after the wedding. But we all change over time. We face new challenges, try new things, and have reasons to change our opinions. But many couples quit making the effort to keep learning about their mate. You must stay curious and reconnect often in order to build the basis of your friendship.

Time for Some Practice

Now try the Open Ended Questions Exercise . This should become a daily habit. Learn one small thing about your spouse each day. You will reap huge rewards for staying connected.

We’ll get to much more about dealing with conflict in the months ahead. For now, try learning some small thing often about your spouse. You will be building your foundation of friendship. Everything else we’ll discuss is built on this base of friendship.

Now how does all that apply to being the best possible parents for your child?  While you’re learning about your spouse, learn something new every day about your baby by observation. How does he or she react to noise and new tastes and smiles? What is your baby’s attitude to strangers and being alone and to touch? How active is your baby and at what time of the day or night? Share these insights with your baby’s dad or mom. These will help you build a foundation for your shared relationship with your baby. We’ll also talk more about this another month.

For more on Healthy Marriage, see Affirmation and Appreciation

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How Your Baby Raises You

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Baby PointingWe think of parenting as us raising our children. And that is true. But the opposite is also true. Your children raise you too.

Did your heart ever swell so much as when you first held that little baby in your arms? You laugh and cry and cannot stop looking at that baby’s face and hands and toes. It is love at first sight.

You may have wondered if you could ever love anyone enough to really lay down your life for them. But as you look down at that helpless, innocent face, you know you will do everything in your power to protect this child.

Then the wail in the middle of the night shocks you to your feet before your brain is even engaged. You leave your bed and tend to this squalling bundle of noise. You may groan and rue your loss of sleep, but you learn that someone else is more important than your demand for sleep.

Dad, this is for you. You find yourself holding a cute little volcano that erupts at both ends. That sweet little baby pukes all over your best suit. You thought you’d never be able to clean up body wastes. Your wife, the baby’s mom, would have to do that part. But she’s not home and you cannot stay in that smelly suit and soothe that crying baby. You figure out a way to get the baby cleaned up and calmed down. Then you get yourself cleaned up and the suit bundled for the cleaner’s. You may grumble about it to your wife, but inside you’re just a little proud to learn you’ve survived what you thought would be impossible.

You know that educating a child will be expensive and you’ve started a college fund. But then you discover how much baby diapers cost. And that is just the beginning. He grows so fast that those clothes that looked so big in the hospital look like doll clothes next to him now. He needs another wardrobe. Then the stroller and car seat, and soon that new car of your dreams slips down farther and farther on the wish list. You are learning there are responsibilities that change your priorities. You have learned to wait or amend your wishes. You, Dad, are growing up!

You’re tired and just want to curl up with a book or stare at some screen that does not cry, or poop, or anything. But you catch sight of your little one rocking back and forth on knees and hands. In spite of yourself, you find yourself on the floor coaxing her to crawl to you. You are learning the great thrill of tiny successes. You may have wondered why your sister couldn’t stop talking about every little thing her baby could do. Now you know.

Mom, maybe you feel you are less of a person since having your baby. You may be staying home to raise this child. You know, in your head, it is good for your child. Yet your world may feel like it has shrunk, excluding all but the closest friends and family. It may feel that way now, but you will be more of a person because of all your baby has taught you.

In fact, babies are some of the best teachers you will ever have. They can’t speak any words for a long time, but you learn nevertheless. You find new strength, resilience, and persistence. You know how to love more than you ever thought possible. You can empathize with people you wouldn’t have even noticed before. You see things that need to be done before being asked to help. You care if others are happy or sad. You have learned to wait to have your needs and wants satisfied. These lessons don’t all come easily or automatically, but they are worth the cost.

Dishes, Diapers, and Deeper Faith

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Before I married I had a very full spiritual life. I enjoyed Bible study and personal quiet time. I loved attending Bible school, church, and home group with my fiance.

My first spiritual life shock came when we married. I thought when we lived together we would have much more time to spend in prayer and Bible study. But with both of us working evening shift, getting to bed late and housekeeping chores, we had to find new ways to keep up our spiritual disciplines.

After almost three years of marriage we had settled into a good routine. It was not the same as before we were married, but we each had our quiet time and together we were developing spiritual closeness. Personal quiet time, Bible study, church services, and Christian music in our home went a long way to satisfying my hunger for more of God.

exhausted-mom-croppedI was totally unprepared for the drought I felt in my spiritual life once our longed for, prayed for, and prophesied baby was born. I had no idea how much time, strength, and chaos one little baby could cause! I loved that child with all my heart, but felt drained of any spirituality I had ever had.

It took time and effort and flexibility to find I hadn’t lost God. Even more importantly, He had not abandoned me. Just because I couldn’t do my spiritual disciplines like I used to, didn’t mean I couldn’t continue my relationship with God.

I just read a wonderful article from Today’s Christian Woman. I encourage you to read Kelli B. Trujillo’s article Dishes, Diapers, and a Deeper Faith. You may like to get her book, The Busy Mom’s Guide to Spiritual Survival from Amazon.com

Here are her main points with my comments:

Commune with God—Any Time, Anywhere

With the limited time and strength we have as moms, we need to learn the knack of practicing the presence of God. Remember that God is right there with us and cares deeply about the big and little matters of our daily lives. We have so many opportunities to commune with God! Pour out your heart as you go about your daily tasks and don’t forget that ‘quickie’ prayers are heard and answered by God too.

“Trust in God at all times, [moms]. Pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge.”            Psalm 62:8 [my adaptation]

Live in Holy Reliance

Motherhood quickly and often gives us the opportunity to feel helpless. We don’t have the strength, wisdom, or experience to do the huge job of mothering each child we have. Our intense love for our children and the constantly changing needs of our kids bring us to our knees over and over again.

God meets us in our humility and brokenness. There are precious promises in His Word for those who trust and rely on Him. Here are just two verses that can help us rely on God.

“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God, I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isa. 41:10

“Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord is the One who goes before you. He will be with you; He will neither fail you nor forsake you.” Deut. 31:8

Receive God’s Parental Love

Kelli wrote, “I remember a particular night, awake in a dark room, nursing my new baby. Admittedly in a haze of sleepy delirium, I had a slow spiritual epiphany: Like I was feeding my baby, God feeds me. God gives me life. God tenderly comforts me! In a deepened sense of understanding that’s hard to put into words, my view of God and how God relates to me shifted in that moment. I started to grasp that my own motherly love for my child was just a small glimpse of God’s parental love for me. In that moment, and in all the provisions of parenting since, I’ve been learning and relearning how much I, God’s child, am loved by my Maker who says to me, just as he said to Jerusalem, “As a mother comforts her child, so I will comfort you” (Isaiah 66:13).

“As mothers, in all our working and giving and serving and providing for our own children, we’re given a divine privilege: a glimpse, a small sliver of experiencing God’s unconditional, intimate, abundant, grace-filled love for us.”

Live on the Lookout

We must keep our eyes and hearts open to new and different ways to practice our spiritual disciplines. We can find new ways to pray and study our Bible, practice silence and be part of a community. Because of our children we may have opportunities to share our faith with other moms who have never attended church.

This is what Kelli has to say, “Those faith-deepening opportunities are there in your life—they may even be hidden away in parenting’s hardest moments. Keep searching. Behind even the exhaustion and frustration, God is there, beckoning you ever closer.”

______________________________

I hope this is encouraging to you in your spiritual walk. Being a mom requires changes in your spiritual disciplines, but with these changes come many refreshing new insights and a deeper love of God and His gift to you. Diane

Are You a Toxic Parent?

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mom and son yellingIn an article by Theresa Edwards, she asked, “Are you a toxic parent?” She had interviewed four mental health and relationship experts about parental behaviors that have the potential to damage their children and their relationship with their children.

Now I don’t expect any of MY readers could be harming their children either directly or indirectly. But I’m sure I’m not the only one who worried that maybe I wasn’t parenting in the best way possible.

Here are some ways you may be hurting your children or your relationship with your children.

Yelling at your kids too much!

I’ve had more than a few of you mention that you know you yell at your kids too much. If this is something you worry about, think about these things.

  • Are you overwhelmed and out of control? What would it take to reduce your burdens so you have the reserves you need to deal with your children more calmly?
  • Are you overtired? When was the last time you got enough sleep? How can you make this happen more regularly?
  • Are you copying the parenting style you were raised with? Just because your parents’ yelled at you doesn’t mean you can’t learn a better way to communicate with your children.

You express your fears to your kids!

We may have a real fear of something we have not yet overcome. Fear becomes toxic when we model unreasonable fear or look to our children to help us deal with things that frighten us. We are the parents and need to find ways to deal with our fears. Passing our fears onto our children will hurt them in the long run.

Some moms are terribly afraid of spiders. If they scream and run every time they encounter a spider, their children will likely adopt their own fear of spiders. If moms realize they are much bigger than the spiders and surely can hit them with something and kill them, their kids will learn there are good ways to overcome fear.

Living Your Dreams and Aspirations Through Your Kids!

Some parents try to get their kids to fulfill their unmet goals for themselves. Maybe they had to work as a shopkeeper when they really wanted to be a scientist. They push their children to take the science stream and to become the researcher they weren’t able to become.

We should seek to know our kids’ strengths and weaknesses. We should give them opportunities to discover their own interests and desires. And as believers in Jesus, we should seek God’s will for our kids’ future. We need to allow our children to become the person God wants them to be not just the fulfillment of our dreams.

Binding Instead of Bonding

Binding is when we say or act like, “I’m your mother and you will do as I say!” Bonding, on the other hand, is cultivating a relationship through shared experiences. In this case we say, “I’m your mother and I will always love you. I have your best interests at heart.”

Some Indicators of Toxic Parenting:

Sometimes we just really can’t see that we are doing anything that will hurt our kids. If you see these indicators, you should look at the way you parent and take action to make some changes.

  • Your kids say, “You never listen to me.” Are you taking the time to listen to your kids? Are you hearing more than their words to what is really bothering them?
  • Your kids complain about the same thing repeatedly. Are you letting them know you are finding a way to deal with these concerns?
  • You find yourself constantly blaming others for the upsets in your home. What part are you playing in these upsets?
  • When you see your children behaving like you and you don’t like it. It is time to correct your own behavior before trying to deal with theirs.

Our goal is to be the best parents we can be for the children we have. Most of the time we do quite well.

But if you see you really are being “toxic” in one of these ways, seek help to make the needed changes. Don’t ignore these warning signs and don’t think they will improve on their own. It is not shameful to ask for help. It is shameful to know you need help and not to ask for it.

Please write to me with your comments or questions: Diane

You can see Theresa Edwards’ article at: Sheknows.com

Toys. . .Free or Inexpensive

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egg carton sorterBaby and children’s toys can really get expensive. Kids’ attention spans are short. So, trying to keep them in new and interesting toys can get to be a very expensive proposition.

My goal for this newsletter is to provide you with some ideas for free or inexpensive ways to keep your kids playing and learning. These are not ‘babysitters,’ but rather ways families on a budget can still give their kids the advantage of stimulating creativity and learning.

Choose a drawer or box that your little one can find new toys in every few days.

  • If your drawer is in the kitchen, you may put a small pot and lid, plastic bowls that nest, a wire whisk, wooden spoons of different sizes, colored plastic cups, measuring spoons, chopsticks, a muffin pan, cookie cutters, etc. Keep changing what’s in there to keep them interested in exploring.
  •  A box in your sitting room may have a stuffed animal, a net ball, scraps of fabric with different textures, elastic and string, a small pillow, a picture book, a box of blocks or dominoes. Replace these with new things often.
  • Girls love a box full or old clothes, hats, shoes, and scarves to play ‘dress up.’

Make an obstacle course out of chairs, tables, sheets, and pillows for indoor fun. Take walks outside and use curbs for balance beams, stepping stones or cracks in pavement for agility in skipping, jumping, and hopping. Use sidewalk chalk to make a path that will challenge your child’s large muscle skills.

box fortKids love to make a fort out of old packing boxes. The boxes appliances come in are their favorites.

Make a busy board out of things around your house or bought inexpensively from dollar stores or hardware stores. Here’s a great example: Handsonaswegrow.com

Read a book to your little ones. They may want you to read one book every day for months or read a new book every day. Buying new books is good when your child is still putting everything they hold in their mouth, but as they get to be toddlers and preschoolers, you can use library books or used books. It is helpful if you can trade kids’ books with friends or play group buddies. eBooks are an option too, but don’t have the added benefit of teaching how to handle books nicely.

Finger plays and action songs are a great way to teach pre-reading skills and cost nothing. Here are some great resources for these fun songs and rhymes.

If you cannot afford an expensive erector set, you can challenge your child’s building creativity with popsicle sticks, pipe cleaners, wooden clothes pegs, and rubber bands.

You can keep a toddler busy with an empty water bottle and cut drinking straws or small pompoms to put in and pour out. Pompoms of different colors and sizes can be sorted, picked up with tongs and put into containers.

For 70+ homemade toys you can make for your kids, see: Happy Hooligans Also, see my Pinterest board for Toys – Free or Inexpensive.

You can make a homemade version of many of the fun stuff kids love to handle:

  •  Playdough that is safe to eat and cheap to make. For playdough that can keep for up to 6 months, try this recipe: fun.familyeducation.com
  • For recipes for homemade foam, water beads, fizzy slush, pretend snow, colored melting ice, slime, sand foam and more, see my Pinterest board for sensory activities.

For more on toys and the importance of play see: Toys and Play here at Your Child’s Journey.

Please share your ideas by adding a comment to this post.