In the midst of news and articles about sexual misconduct, I have been challenged again to think about how we can prepare our children to live in this very different atmosphere than we grew up in.

For many parents, the thought of having The Talk with their child is terrifying. But because sex is paraded on all media and because children are exposed to porn at earlier and earlier ages, The Talk needs to happen at younger ages all the time.

We really can’t wait for The Talk about sex. We need to be talking all along about physical touch and the body. We need to answer the little questions our children ask about sex. If we do, then it will be more natural and easy to talk about sex when they are ready.

Katelyn Ewen, in an article for The Gottman Institute, introduces the important concept of teaching our children about consent.

Katelyn explains how parents can teach their children to accept or reject touch. It is a way to empower our children to reject unwanted intimacies throughout their lives. It is also a way to teach our children how to react when someone rejects their approaches. There is great value in teaching our children how to accept and reject physical touch. We can begin this with our baby.

Talk about what you are doing, like, “Mommy’s massaging lotion on your tummy, back, bottom, etc.” If your baby pushes your hands away, stop. You can say, “OK, no lotion and massage right now. Maybe later?” With this kind of talk, we teach our child words to use for body parts, actions, and ways to accept or reject physical touch.

If we keep asking permission, even in play, we help our child learn they have control over what happens to their body. “Do you want a horsey ride on Daddy’s knee?” Then Dad needs to respond correctly to the child’s yes or no. Also, if your child seems frightened in play, stop and talk about it. “Daddy would never drop you. Can we snuggle till you feel calm again?”

All this may feel contrived and unnecessary now. But if we build a relationship where it is easy to talk about our body and the way we feel about touch, we empower our children to be able to avoid unwanted intimacies with others and later in life.

Click to read Katelyn Ewen’s article: Beyond The Talk for more on how to teach your children about consent.

The companion article to this one is called Consent. If you have not read it, you can read it here. Consent

With your older children, you either have already been faced with questions about sex, or you will be soon. The way you respond to your children’s early questions can make all the difference. You want to the one to influence your child’s future sexual attitudes and behavior not their peers and media.

The following article comes from Focus on the Family, a very reliable source of information from a Christian point of view about family matters. Please take some time to follow the link and see what other helpful information they have. 
Healthy Sexuality: Sending the Right Message to Your Kids

By Dannah Gresh

I remember the look in his eyes like it was yesterday. My sweet tween boy was channel surfing and paused when he saw a barely-dressed rock star. She moved close to the camera with what I call the “porn-look” in her eyes. Gone were the preschool days of innocence; my son had awakened to the allure of the female body.

Moms have been emailing me about similar experiences as their sons view the hyper-sexualized advertising of a hamburger chain. And moms have been writing to discuss their 10-year-old daughters’ desire to wear padded bras. At some point, it’s obvious to a mom that her child’s sexuality has been awakened. The great mystery of guy-girl relationships has begun in these children’s lives and will hopefully lead to a marriage full of passion and faithfulness rather than the shallow meaninglessness of an early sexual debut. Until the day our kids commit to marriage, what’s a mom to do

How to start

Make sure you give your children an understanding of sexuality by age ten. By explaining the basic mechanics, you set yourself up as the expert on the topic. A great deal of value formation occurs between the eighth and 10th year of life — be sure to plant the values of purity and faithfulness during these years.

Use those awakening moments in your children to begin an ongoing conversation about sexuality. While the knee-jerk reaction is to be negative or to simply shield your kids, these reactions will only serve to cloak sexuality in shame. Positive parenting messages are more effective, so talk to your sons and daughters about what they’ve just seen or may be interested in.

Take inventory of how you’re modeling healthy sexuality for your kids. Children imitate and identify with their parents in a powerful way. Not just girls, but boys, too. How do you think it impacts children when they notice their mother dressing suggestively or when she watches inappropriate television and movies? It’s difficult to raise children to be free from sexual heartbreak if mothers are not modeling purity.

How to respond

The day my son found that video on television, I counted to 10 before I responded. I sensed it was better to acknowledge the sexual awakening that was happening than encourage a lifetime of shame by ignoring his interest.

“Hey, buddy,” I said softly. “What do you think of her?”

He thought carefully and then said the most profound thing: “I think she wants to be beautiful, but she’s very confused.”

I turned off the television. Then, I asked what other great thoughts he was thinking. Thus began an ongoing conversation that has lasted into his young adult years.

Dannah Gresh is the author of Six Ways to Keep the “Little” in Your Girl and Six Ways to Keep the “Good” in Your Boy.

From newborn to preschool, we need to connect in meaningful ways with our little one. We all fall into routines, some are good and some not so good. From time-to-time we should stop and think about the long-term benefits of our ways of connecting with our child.

When they are infants, our quick response to their needs, builds trust. They learn that we know what they need and will take care of them. This is basic to their ability to form secure relationships later in life.

As they get a bit older, we need to begin to develop meaningful patterns and habits of life. In other words, rituals of connection.

Think about how you greet your child when they wake from sleep. You may sing a silly song or rub their back or play peek-a-boo. These help your child get ready for day-time activities. Later, you will settle into routines to get your child up and dressed. These are so much more effective if they are cheerful and reassuring instead of prodding and rushing. Slow down and enjoy these moments together at the beginning the day.

Even while your child is too young to fret when you leave the room, tell them you are going, but will be back. Of course they don’t understand the words when they are very young, but they understand your tone of voice and come to expect you will reappear soon.

Begin a routine way of saying, “Goodbye,” when you have to leave them for day care while you go to work. They may cry for a little bit, but they will come to understand the meaning. Don’t sneak away. Find a pleasant, reassuring way to say you are going, but will be back. As they get older, you can use a favorite phrase or jingle or series of pats and kisses and wink.

Begin a good bedtime, wind down routine. You can begin this very young. A bath, a last bottle, a song, a short rock or cuddle. Put them to bed, just like the room will be during the night, before they are sound asleep. It won’t take long for the routine to help them begin to get sleepy.

When your little one wants your attention, stop what you are doing and give them a few minutes of your undivided attention. It will go a long way to having a contented, cooperative child.

We’ll revisit this topic from time-to-time. It is so important and yet so easy to slip into bad habits. Make a real effort to connect meaningfully with your child.

What can I do to help? This is probably the single most important question you can ask. Let’s consider how this ‘miracle question’, as my husband calls it, works with your spouse.

You see, there are some good reasons to ask this. The first reason is that it is a way to make a connection with someone in a non-threatening way. It is not a demand or request. It makes no assumptions. Gottman talks about small things often. One of those small things is reaching out for connection with our spouse. Asking what we can do to help, let’s them know we are thinking about them in a positive way. It feels good, even if we don’t need their help at the moment. We feel valued by them.

Our days get so full and busy that we often just push on from one task or obligation to the next. Being asked if someone can help us is refreshing. Even if we don’t take them up on their offer of help, it makes us feel better that someone noticed us and reached out to us. A pleasant connection was made.

Asking what we can do to help is good for us. It reminds us that the world does not revolve around us. It is easy to get self-centered. We’re busy, not everything went as planned, and we get irritable. Asking how we can help them takes our mind off our day and recognizes they may be having an even worse day than us. Asking our spouse what we can do for them, lets them know we don’t want to be selfish and self centered. We realize they have needs and desires too, and we want to help, not weigh them down.

Another good reason to ask, is that we may not be able to see what would help them the most. Just starting to do something, like opening a door may be less helpful than grabbing a bag about to tumble from their arms.

Here are some times we can use this question

• Before leaving the house in the morning lets our spouse know we realize we’ll be apart and want one more connection first. Perhaps there is a phone call you could make for them or some small errand that would ease their morning routine.
• Call or text while out to see if you can buy something they need on your way home.
• When your spouse has been with the children for a long time, you might be able to help by taking over with the children for a while.
  I’m sure you can think of many more.

Build and strengthen your marriage by using the miracle question often.

“What can I do that would help? “ is another twist on this question. We may have a frustrating or stressful situation we face often. We have tried different things and nothing seems to work. From a different point of view they may be able to suggest a better way that could help. Often we are just too close to realize that we are making it worse by what we do. Your spouse can often give you that insight, if you ask the right question.  Then be willing to give their idea a good try. This can really strength your marriage.

Many husbands come home from work and want to decompress for a while before jumping into home life. Their wife could ask, “What can I do to help you refresh? These husbands would be wise to not take longer than necessary unwinding and then ask their wife, What can I do to help?” One day it might be watching the kids. Another it could be sweeping the floor or setting the table. The fact that you asked and did something makes married life so much richer for both partners.
I would love to hear that this question has done its miracle work in your lives.

I was asked ­­some good questions this month and thought I’d take this opportunity to share my thoughts about them with you.

Q. What are your thoughts about each spouse having a different parenting style? How do you balance between the two to get the best out of it?  

I know there needs to be consistency in approach, but I also realise that we each have strengths of our own and it would be beneficial for our child to experience a bit of both our approaches.

So I’m thinking how do we integrate both our approaches and at the same time, allow each other the room for discretion/creativity in the way we relate to our child?

A. Let’s begin by recognizing there will be differences in parenting styles in every couple. We came from different backgrounds and experienced different parenting styles in our own homes. We have different personalities and different expectations.

I think at the core of the question is the concern that we will confuse and/or in some way harm our child if we do things differently.

I believe if both parents are operating out of love and concern for the child, they can cooperate for the child’s good. So, how does this work?

1. Parents never ‘correct’ each other in front of the child. So kiddo doesn’t have to sort out which parent to listen to or fear the disunity of the parents. Whoever has told the child what to do or how to do it, completes that episode. If the other disagrees, talk about it privately and agree for future action.

2. If one or the other has a particularly strong opinion in a certain issue, the other let’s that one make the decision. But it should not always go one way or the other. Be willing to see the other’s point of view.

3. Perfectionism should yield to spontaneity when tensions rise. From our own experience, I was usually the perfectionist and wanted things finished and finished correctly. But this could drive everyone right into a bad mood or stubbornness. My husband would step in and say, ‘Enough. Time to do something else.’ At first I’d get mad, but I came to appreciate his more relaxed style. Most things do not need perfection.

4. Kids can adjust well to differing styles. We teach our children it is OK to run and be loud outside but not in the house. Or we teach them you may touch anything that is on this table, but don’t touch anything in that cabinet. So why not teach them you may rough house with dad and work puzzles with mom? The differences will be much bigger in some style differences and as the kids grow up, but the principle is the same.

Here’s an example from our sons’ teen years to see how this works through all our parenting. My husband let our sons choose their music. He would refuse a few of the worst, but let them play most music as loud as they liked. I couldn’t stand loud music, especially with a strong beat. So when Mike was around and I wasn’t, they played the music at earsplitting volume. When I was alone with them,  I would ask if it was music Dad approved. If so, they could listen, but only if they kept the volume down or used earphones. They joked, ‘Mom rules or Dad rules.’ But they accepted it.

Q.  Also I am aware that as the child gets older, they will tend to wisen up and manipulate each parent based on what they know about their individual approach. For example, one parent is more lenient, so the child will tend to ask for permission for something from that parent instead of the stricter one.

A. The parents pretty well know what their spouse will answer when permission is being requested. If the one who is more lenient is asked, they should either say, “We’ll talk about it and give you an answer later.” Or, “Go ask the stricter parent first. That will be the answer.”

This was the follow-up rule in our house and this endured from early childhood through adolescence. If they got a no from one parent, they could not go to the other parent to try to get a yes. Here’s how it worked:

Child asks Parent 1, “Can I. . . ?” That parent says, “No.”

So off he goes to Parent 2. “Can I.  .  . ?”

Parent 2 should ask, “Did you ask Parent 1? What was the answer?” When the child answers, “No.”

Then Parent 2 should say, “Then that’s the answer.”

If they ever managed to get the answer they wanted, they automatically lost the privilege. No questions asked and no appeal. They will only try this once.

We’ll take some other questions to answer in the next few newsletter. Keep a look out for more Q and A.