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The Relationship Account

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Developing and maintaining the satisfaction and happiness of our marriage is like putting money in the bank. When we make deposits in our relationship account, we build a positive balance. When we make too many withdrawals from our relationship account we soon have a deficit. All couples are happier when our relationship accounts are in the black, not in the red. But red numbers have their purpose too. They warn us to make some deposits or risk bankruptcy!

How do we make deposits in our relationship?

We have many opportunities every day to make deposits in our relationship account. Whenever we turn towards our spouse, responding positively, we add to our account. Most of our deposits are small, but like cents, they can mount up over time. Dr. John Gottman’s research shows that the key to keeping marriages fulfilling is three words: small things often.

Let’s look at some ways we can reach out for connection and ways we may respond. But first, some definitions. In the table below, approaches are the ways we try to create a moment of connection with our spouse. Responses are the different ways we show that we want to connect too.

Approaches Responses
A glance, a wink, a nod A smile, a wave, a flying kiss
A message A smiley face or short answer
Calling their name “What?” spoken pleasantly
A pat, a kiss, a hug A reciprocal physical sign of affection
Ask for help by word or action Offer to help
Express a need or desire Recognition and plan for fulfilling
Offering to help or do a chore Gratefully accepting

These were all positive responses to different kinds of approaches. Practiced consistently, they will all add to the happiness of your relationship. In other words, you get a richer marriage through investment.

How do we make withdrawals in our relationship?

We also have many opportunities to withdraw from the relationship account. Our negative response may be to turn away from our mate or to turn against them. Turning away will subtract a small amount, but turning against subtracts much more. Note that all of the reactions in the table below are negatives. The difference is the degree of irritation or outright hostility they express. Those on the left (turning away) are irritating. Those on the right are much more damaging.

Turning Away Turning Against
Not responding to our name being called Snarling, “What!”
Ignoring comments- too distracted to hear Answering with a complaint or criticism
Forgetting appointments with spouse Not making appointments with spouse
Getting discouraged Picking fights

Whenever we turn away from, or turn against our spouse, we hurt our relationship. It is not possible to make deposits in your relationship account if you don’t choose to turn towards your spouse when they send a cue for connection. When we notice too many withdrawals, we must move quickly to deposit time, attention, and action into our relationship.

Attention, Please!

We may be missing the cues our spouse sends us because we are not aware of their needs.

When we were courting, we took great pains to anticipate and see their needs. When a slight cloud crossed their face, we diligently searched out the cause and made the adjustments needed to bring the sunshine back.

After marriage, and especially after baby, we may get so busy and preoccupied that we miss the cues our spouse is sending. Now, instead of a cloud, it takes a thunderstorm to get our attention.

Time for Some Practice

Try our Expressing Desires Exercise to boost your positive connections and add to your relationship account.

A final note. All the information and the exercises in this article are based on professional research of thousands of couples. You can see more about that research by visiting this website: Gottman Institute
Learn more about Turning Towards Instead of Away with this Gottman article.

To read more on Healthy Marriage see: Relationship Disconnects.

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Affirm Your Child

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There is much being written today about building our child’s self-esteem. It is a hot topic. Some of the advice is good and healthy for our children, some of it is bunk. Let me try to take the mystery out of this topic.

We have talked about affirmation and appreciation between mom and dad. Affirmation goes a long way to reducing stress and increasing pleasure with our spouse. It is also one of the best ways to help our children develop a healthy self-esteem.

Our modern culture wants everyone to feel good all the time. With that goal in mind, we are pressured to praise others for everything and give awards for mere attendance. This kind of empty, insincere praise backfires.

Kids have different reactions to weak praise. Some kids begin to feel they are already perfect and no longer need practice. Others try to be perfect and feel they constantly fail. For others praise confuses them. For instance, when they know they didn’t do well, but are told, “That was terrific,” they don’t know whether to trust their own instincts or what is being said about them. Others learn that praise is lying.

Affirmation, according to Mirriam-Webster, is ‘to say that something is true in a confident way.’

What does affirmation do for a child?

Affirmation helps children develop positive foundations on which to grow. Once we have matured, it is hard to change those foundations.

  • Affirmation helps children have confidence in themselves.
  • Affirmation helps children recognize what they are competent to do.
  • Affirmation helps children learn how to use their skills to contribute to others.
  • Affirmation builds resiliency in children to deal with the stresses in life.
  • Affirmation lets children know they are accepted, loved, and supported.

What does affirmation sound like? Here are some examples:

  • “I’m proud of you because . . .”
  • “That was such a good decision.” (Explain why it was good.)
  • “You worked so hard at . . .”
  • “I like how you answered that question. It shows you are really thinking.”
  • “You are such a good example to . . .”
  • “You were so brave when. . .”
  • “That was such a kind thing to do.”
  • “Thank you for honoring me by . . .”
  • “You are the kind of friend I wanted when I was your age.”
  • “You have a great sense of humor.”
  • “Your room looks great. You cleaned it so well.”
  • “You made this? It is beautiful.”
  • “You’re building strong muscles doing that job.”
  • “You inspire people when you . . .”
  • “You never give up on a hard job.”
  • “Your life matters.”
  • “It takes a big person to be honest like you just were.”
  • “You are really polite. I was proud to introduce you as my child.”
  • “You did this by yourself? Amazing.”

You can affirm, even when your child didn’t do well.

  • “I know you worked as hard for that C as many students work for an A. You are diligent.”
  • “I know you’re disappointed that you didn’t win. I’m so proud of you for trying.”
  • “It can be hard to come in second, but it looked like you did your best. Someone else was just better. Keep trying, maybe next time you’ll win.”
  • “I know you feel bad about your mistake. What do you think you can do differently next time?”
  • “Ah, that was a bad decision. I know you’ll learn from it and make a different choice next time.”
  • “I’m glad you told me about this. I love you and will always be here for you. We can work together to solve this problem.”

When is a good time to affirm your child?

  • When you are teaching your child a new skill. Affirm their attempts and even partial successes along the way.
  • When you see a spark of interest or a flash of brilliance. A little affirmation may turn that interest into a lifelong pastime or future employment.
  • When your child used one of his skills or knowledge to help someone else.
  • When you speak highly of them to another adult in their hearing.
  • When you show them physical affection, speak affirming words.
  • When you recognize they have a better idea than you do about something.
  • When they have made a good decision.

If you realize you have been heaping meaningless praise on your child, now is a good time to pay attention to what you say to your child. Don’t fill their ears with, “You’re so pretty” or “You’re so big” or “Good boy.” Instead tell them what praiseworthy behavior you’ve observed in them or good attitudes they’ve shown or how what they have done has made someone else’s life better. Everyone tends to live up to the good opinions of others or down to their criticisms. A parent’s opinion carries even more weight.

Exercise:

  1. Look through the list of affirmation starters. Choose one or two that you can tailor-make to suit your child. Remember affirmation is saying something true in a confident way. So, make sure you can say it honestly and then be specific so your child knows what you saw as good.
  2. Choose a good time to give your affirmation to your child. Don’t say it when you are likely to be interrupted or distracted. Look for a time your child’s heart is open.
  3. Linger a little and be ready to listen to how your child responds or what questions they may ask. This can give you a clue as to how or what they would love to hear from you next time.

I know you can make a difference in your child’s life as you affirm them.

For more articles on parenting, check out: The Child-Ready Marriage

 

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Affirm and Appreciate

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As you’ve probably already seen, having a baby adds lots of stress to our lives. When we’re tired and stressed, we become irritable. Irritable people say things they would never say when they are rested and happy. They also fail to say some of the nice things that make life more enjoyable. We’ll always have stress. And babies, as much as we want them and love them, add a ton of stress to our lives.  That’s why it’s important that we focus on, and work at, strengthening our love for each other, even in the stressful times. Building up our spouse pays huge dividends!

There are two great ways to ease stress and strengthen our marital bond: affirmation and appreciation. Affirmations are positive, true statements. These have a strong effect because they are spoken by one we love and are committed to. Appreciation is acknowledging what someone has done for us and showing we recognize their effort. Our goal this month is to try to replace any sharp, hurtful words with affirming or appreciative words. Now let’s look more closely at each of those qualities.

We deepen our friendship when we express and receive compliments. Affirmation and thankfulness are strong relationship boosters.

In some marriages, there is very little affirmation and appreciation. The inability to receive a compliment soon stops the flow of affirmation. Getting embarrassed, ignoring, or denying the heartfelt words hurts the giver. Do this often enough and your spouse will quit giving you compliments and affirmation.

On the other hand, you may find it hard to put your positive feelings into words. Your spouse could be dying to hear you say anything positive about them. With a little bit of practice and the genuine appreciation of your spouse, giving words of affirmation and thankfulness will come easier.

It is good to practice giving and receiving words of affirmation and appreciation. It is even better when it becomes such a natural part of your communication that you say and receive these words in very ordinary moments, doing ordinary tasks.

Time for Some Practice

Practice affirmation and appreciation with the Affirmation Exercise.

Affirmation is not just good for your spouse, it works well with your children too. See: Affirm Your Child

Here are some more articles that can help you understand the importance of affirmation and thankfulness:

Affirm Your Spouse
The Thankful Lover

To read more on Healthy Marriage see: The Relationship Account .

 

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Affirmation Exercise

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Scan the list of qualities or characteristics for ones you appreciate about your spouse. Choose three. Then think of a specific instance when you saw and appreciated one of those qualities in your spouse. Then it’s time to share with each other. Take turns being the speaker and listener.

  • The speaker shares the characteristic they especially appreciate. In your own words share what this trait in your spouse means to you by recalling a particular instance where you observed this trait.
  • The listener should let those words soak in. Believe them and savor them.

Practice this exercise from time to time until it becomes a natural part of your communication. As you get better at giving and receiving affirmation, broaden the scope of things you admire and ways your spouse pleases you.

Characteristics and qualities to admire: (Remember, this is just a beginning point. Feel free to share your own words of affirmation.)

  • Organized
  • Considerate
  • Exciting
  • Generous
  • Integrity
  • Caring
  • Diligence
  • Confident
  • Joyful
  • Creativity
  • Practical
  • Beautiful/Handsome
  • Faithful
  • Godly
  • Conviction
  • Safe
  • Friendly
  • Dependable
  • Good Listener
  • Respectful
  • Thoughtful
  • Leader
  • Trustworthy
  • Inspiring
  • Take Time
  • Insightful
  • Loyal
  • Provider
  • Talented
  • Good Cook
  • Strong
  • Willing to grow/change/develop
  • Creative/Resourceful
  • Hard worker
  • Good Role Model
  • Fixer
  • Funny
  • Good Lover
  • Good Parent

The following are examples of ways to start your affirmation.

Affirmation of Husbands

  • I’m glad you’re my friend
  • I really appreciate . . .
  • When you listened, I felt loved
  • You’re so considerate
  • You are a good leader
  • You make me feel like a lady
  • You are so exciting
  • You’re an excellent provider
  • When you hold me, I feel safe
  • You’re so generous
  • I trust you. . . or I trust your . . .
  • I’m proud to be your wife
  • You inspire me
  • You’re a man of integrity
  • Thank you for caring how I feel

Affirmation of Wives

  • I like spending time with you
  • Thank you for your diligence
  • You bring out the best in me
  • I value your insight
  • I have confidence in you
  • You’re so talented
  • You bring me joy
  • You’re beautiful inside and out
  • You’re a good cook
  • I love the home you’ve created
  • I want to grow old with you
  • Thank you for being so good to me
  • I respect the woman you are
  • You’re so thoughtful
  • I admire your inner strength

Read Share Fondness and Appreciation for more information on this topic.

Dad and Mom Together

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During December, we were reminded many times of Jesus’ birth. Although we often focus on Mary and the baby Jesus, I think the unsung hero of the story is Joseph. He was a good and righteous man. He was in tune enough with God that he believed the dreams he had were God’s word to him. He was willing to accept Mary as his wife, though she was pregnant. (Her pregnancy was an act of God, but many people would have doubted that.) After Jesus was born, he uprooted his family twice in obedience to God-given dreams: first to preserve his wife and her child from death by going to Egypt, and then to return to raise his family in Galilee. Joseph worked hard as a carpenter.

And as a good Jewish father, he trained Jesus as a carpenter too. How many admirable qualities do you see in Joseph? Have you ever stopped to consider just what a fine man he was? He had his flaws, no doubt, but the flaws did not cancel out the many characteristics that made him a good man.

I’d like to focus this month on the role of the father. As soon as the woman is aware she is pregnant, changes begin in the home. When, and how, does she tell her husband that he is a father? How will he react? The baby isn’t even born, yet attitudes about this new little human are already forming. It’s such an important time.

If the news of her pregnancy is accompanied by distress and conflict, dad may withdraw from mom. He may resent the baby’s intrusion on their relationship. He may feel he has so many additional responsibilities that he spends more and more time at work. Also, concerns about the additional responsibilities and necessary finances can make these early days of pregnancy challenging.

There are physical stresses now as well. Mom’s hormones are changing dramatically and these affect her mood, energy, and sex drive. It’s a roller coaster ride. The new changes in roles, values, and identity can cause both parents to emotionally withdraw from each other, just when they need each other the most.

We may have brought some attitudes or beliefs into our marriage that make dad fulfilling his most important roles in the family difficult or impossible. Here are some stumbling blocks:

  • One or the other parent believes that it is the woman’s role to raise the children and the man’s role to be the breadwinner. This puts more stress on mom and means dad misses the joy of a warm relationship with his child.
  • Mom may believe that she is the only one who knows how to take care of a baby. She may be afraid for dad to handle the baby and make him feel even more incompetent to be dad. Or dad may get nauseous at the thought of wiping up after baby spews from mouth or bottom. He then disqualifies himself from doing anything with the baby.

These don’t have to be fatal to the relationship. How can you overcome these stumbling blocks? Ask for help. Be willing to help. Share your dreams. Share your fears (most new parents have some.) Pray for your baby before he or she is born. Pray for each other. And appreciate each other.

Good news!  With good relationship skills before the pregnancy and practicing good conflict resolution during pregnancy and during baby’s first year, the marriage can be even stronger, and baby can have a solid family to develop in.

For now, here is one key thought: both mom and dad need to be involved in the baby’s care and development, and that starts before the baby is born. Each has specific roles to fill. Together, both parents have a wonderful, God-given potential to nurture our babies, teach them about trust and love, and model how to relate to others.

We will continue in the next few months to provide you with tools to help you communicate well with each other and continue to build your friendship and love so you can be the best mom and dad for your child.

I have written other articles for YourChildsJourney.com on How Important is Dad? and Bonding and Brain Chemicals. Do take a few minutes to read these articles as they add other aspects of Dad’s role and how to fulfill it.

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