Your Child's Journey

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Turning Towards Our Child

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In The Relationship Account we focused on how mom and dad have positive connections that add to the happiness and success of their marriage.

Now the goal is to have positive connections with your baby or small child. In this article, I want to show how we turn towards our children and how to recover when we have let them get over-stimulated.

Turn Towards

Just as we have to recognize our mate’s approaches, we must see our baby’s and child’s approaches to us. Tears and wails are not your baby’s only appeals for connection. When your baby turns to look at you or reaches out with a wave to you or babbles, they seek connection.

As our children grow, we must recognize the different ways they reach out for our attention. Toddlers and preschoolers try to get our attention in many ways. Yelling, fighting with a sibling, and throwing something may be their last resort after trying many other subtler ways to connect with us. Seeing our children’s changing needs and responding in positive ways keep the relationship account growing.

Like our response to our spouse’s approaches, we must respond to our little one’s desire for connection. The best connections happen when we stop what we are doing and give our baby the attention they need. Eye contact, bathing, changing, and feeding all reassure a baby that they are loved. These are little deposits many times a day that build our relationship account with them.

On the other hand, we make withdrawals from the account just like we can with our spouse. Who among us has never ignored a cry, rolled her eyes and sighed heavily, or yelled at that darling child? It is a common experience. We love our child and want to be cheerful and always talk sweetly to them. But we live in a pressure cooker of time restraints, noise, and activity that wear us out.

Bonding and Building

We are made in such a way that we bond well with our baby as long as nothing interferes with the normal process. Bonding is the beginning of building a life-long relationship between parents and child.

To build on this foundation, parents need to consistently meet their child’s need for attention, affection, and care. Much is written about how to respond when a baby cries. Some say to never let a baby cry and others believe we should let a baby ‘cry it out.’ Gottman Institute research “shows that ignoring the child will only make the child insecure, hungry for affection, and clingy. The way to create a secure child is with responsive parenting.”

Extremes damage and distort. Petting and sweet talk when a child willfully disobeys teaches the wrong lesson. And never allowing baby to cry at all short circuits baby learning that when they express a need, it is met. We need a balance in our approach.

Over-Stimulation

To connect and build our parent/child bond, we want to play with our baby. This is good, but they are not always ready to play when we have the time to play. Babies will respond best to your approach when they are more alert. It is good to learn your baby’s cues to know the best times to play. (If you didn’t see the article on States of Consciousness, this would be a good time to review.)

Baby loves to play. And so much is learned about how the world works and about trust and independence through play. Play the game your baby is enjoying as long as he likes it. But when we try too hard or want to play with our baby when they are not ready, we can cause over-stimulation.

Babies give 100% attention and they have a very short attention span. These two factors mean they can quickly get overstimulated. So it is your responsibility to notice your baby’s signs of over-stimulation and help your baby self-soothe.

Baby Signals he has had enough

Baby signals he has had enough by looking away from whatever is in front of him. If you miss that, he may try to cover his face with his hands or try to push away. He will bunch up his forehead, arch his back and tense his whole body. A cry with a long wind-up before the wail is his strongest message that he is over stimulated.

It is not unusual for babies to get over-stimulated from time to time. It becomes a problem if it lasts for a long time or happens too frequently.

Recovering from over-stimulation

As soon as you notice signs of over-stimulation, help your child to calm down. Be a good example. Take a deep breath and relax yourself. Speak more gently with a lower pitch and volume. Back away from whatever was over-stimulating. If there was too much noise, gently pick her up and go to a quieter room. If there was too much light, dim the lights. If it was just too much play, stop and let her calm down.

Sometimes, especially if you noticed quickly and gave a break, your baby will look back at you or the toy very soon. He will make eye contact and may even smile. You will notice his eyes are alert and open, his breathing is normal, and his body is relaxed. This is the signal he is ready to play again. Don’t start again until you see he is ready.

When you help your baby calm down from being over-stimulated, you are teaching self-soothing. This is an important skill to learn. So even though your child occasionally is over-stimulated, good will come from it as they learn to self-soothe.

Practical Discussion

Take some time to talk with your spouse about over-stimulation.

  • Have you seen this happen with your baby or child?
  • Can you see any pattern to when it happens?
  • Is there something you could do to prevent it?
  • What helps your baby most to self-soothe?
  • Is your child able to recover more quickly now than when younger?
  • Make plans how to handle over-stimulation when it happens next time.

Another warning: Look for solutions and progress. Don’t use this as a topic for an argument. Work together to build your relationship with your baby. You are a team.

To read more about Parenting Together see: Playing Together

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Expressing Needs Exercise

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Last month your exercise was to express a desire or two and how your spouse could help you. If you missed that article and exercise see: The Relationship Account. Throughout your marriage your needs will change. What was only a desire becomes a strongly felt need and what was once a need no longer seems so important. Being able to express your needs clearly will help prevent bitterness from building up. Showing you can take action to see that your spouse’s needs are met is a great way to demonstrate your love. This is a good exercise to help you express your needs and to find ways to meet your spouse’s needs.

Scan the list and choose one to talk about. Explain the current need and give as much information as possible. When it is your turn to listen, try to make a plan as to how you will help to meet the need. Begin the sentence with, “I need . . .

  • to talk about . . . or for us to discuss . . .
  • to hear about . . . or hear how you . . .
  • to know what you think or feel about me or our home or our children . . .
  • more romance in our marriage or dates or music or surprises or gifts . . .
  • more kissing or touching or cuddling or foreplay or sex. . .
  • time with others: extended family or friends or to entertain . . .
  • help with household chores or shopping or child care . . .
  • less stress or tension or fights . . .

At different stages of your relationship, it would be good to revisit this exercise. Maybe you can include it around New Year or your anniversary. This is a way to express your current needs and take stock of better ways to show your love and attention to your spouse.

Expressing Desires – Exercise

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It may have been some time since you talked about your desires at this stage of your marriage. It may seem awkward. But give the exercise a chance. It’s worth the investment. Here we go:

Look at the statements below. Choose one and adapt it to your own situation. Take turns to express your own current desire. Be sure to state your desire as clearly as possible and be ready to say how it could be met. When it is your turn to listen, listen with a teachable heart. Don’t be ready to criticize or belittle your spouse for the desires they express. Be ready to say ways you are willing and able to meet what is expressed. Do not make this a time to argue, but to add to your relationship account!

  • I would like you to touch me even at times sex is not the response you expect.
  • I would like help with the evening meal time.
  • I would like your undivided attention for a few minutes each day.
  • I would like time to decompress for a short while when I come home.

Now that you have practiced those, why not think of some of your own?

I would like. . .

The Relationship Account

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Developing and maintaining the satisfaction and happiness of our marriage is like putting money in the bank. When we make deposits in our relationship account, we build a positive balance. When we make too many withdrawals from our relationship account we soon have a deficit. All couples are happier when our relationship accounts are in the black, not in the red. But red numbers have their purpose too. They warn us to make some deposits or risk bankruptcy!

How do we make deposits in our relationship?

We have many opportunities every day to make deposits in our relationship account. Whenever we turn towards our spouse, responding positively, we add to our account. Most of our deposits are small, but like cents, they can mount up over time. Dr. John Gottman’s research shows that the key to keeping marriages fulfilling is three words: small things often.

Let’s look at some ways we can reach out for connection and ways we may respond. But first, some definitions. In the table below, approaches are the ways we try to create a moment of connection with our spouse. Responses are the different ways we show that we want to connect too.

Approaches Responses
A glance, a wink, a nod A smile, a wave, a flying kiss
A message A smiley face or short answer
Calling their name “What?” spoken pleasantly
A pat, a kiss, a hug A reciprocal physical sign of affection
Ask for help by word or action Offer to help
Express a need or desire Recognition and plan for fulfilling
Offering to help or do a chore Gratefully accepting

These were all positive responses to different kinds of approaches. Practiced consistently, they will all add to the happiness of your relationship. In other words, you get a richer marriage through investment.

How do we make withdrawals in our relationship?

We also have many opportunities to withdraw from the relationship account. Our negative response may be to turn away from our mate or to turn against them. Turning away will subtract a small amount, but turning against subtracts much more. Note that all of the reactions in the table below are negatives. The difference is the degree of irritation or outright hostility they express. Those on the left (turning away) are irritating. Those on the right are much more damaging.

Turning Away Turning Against
Not responding to our name being called Snarling, “What!”
Ignoring comments- too distracted to hear Answering with a complaint or criticism
Forgetting appointments with spouse Not making appointments with spouse
Getting discouraged Picking fights

Whenever we turn away from, or turn against our spouse, we hurt our relationship. It is not possible to make deposits in your relationship account if you don’t choose to turn towards your spouse when they send a cue for connection. When we notice too many withdrawals, we must move quickly to deposit time, attention, and action into our relationship.

Attention, Please!

We may be missing the cues our spouse sends us because we are not aware of their needs.

When we were courting, we took great pains to anticipate and see their needs. When a slight cloud crossed their face, we diligently searched out the cause and made the adjustments needed to bring the sunshine back.

After marriage, and especially after baby, we may get so busy and preoccupied that we miss the cues our spouse is sending. Now, instead of a cloud, it takes a thunderstorm to get our attention.

Time for Some Practice

Try our Expressing Desires Exercise to boost your positive connections and add to your relationship account.

A final note. All the information and the exercises in this article are based on professional research of thousands of couples. You can see more about that research by visiting this website: Gottman Institute
Learn more about Turning Towards Instead of Away with this Gottman article.

To read more on Healthy Marriage see: Relationship Disconnects.

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Affirm Your Child

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There is much being written today about building our child’s self-esteem. It is a hot topic. Some of the advice is good and healthy for our children, some of it is bunk. Let me try to take the mystery out of this topic.

We have talked about affirmation and appreciation between mom and dad. Affirmation goes a long way to reducing stress and increasing pleasure with our spouse. It is also one of the best ways to help our children develop a healthy self-esteem.

Our modern culture wants everyone to feel good all the time. With that goal in mind, we are pressured to praise others for everything and give awards for mere attendance. This kind of empty, insincere praise backfires.

Kids have different reactions to weak praise. Some kids begin to feel they are already perfect and no longer need practice. Others try to be perfect and feel they constantly fail. For others praise confuses them. For instance, when they know they didn’t do well, but are told, “That was terrific,” they don’t know whether to trust their own instincts or what is being said about them. Others learn that praise is lying.

Affirmation, according to Mirriam-Webster, is ‘to say that something is true in a confident way.’

What does affirmation do for a child?

Affirmation helps children develop positive foundations on which to grow. Once we have matured, it is hard to change those foundations.

  • Affirmation helps children have confidence in themselves.
  • Affirmation helps children recognize what they are competent to do.
  • Affirmation helps children learn how to use their skills to contribute to others.
  • Affirmation builds resiliency in children to deal with the stresses in life.
  • Affirmation lets children know they are accepted, loved, and supported.

What does affirmation sound like? Here are some examples:

  • “I’m proud of you because . . .”
  • “That was such a good decision.” (Explain why it was good.)
  • “You worked so hard at . . .”
  • “I like how you answered that question. It shows you are really thinking.”
  • “You are such a good example to . . .”
  • “You were so brave when. . .”
  • “That was such a kind thing to do.”
  • “Thank you for honoring me by . . .”
  • “You are the kind of friend I wanted when I was your age.”
  • “You have a great sense of humor.”
  • “Your room looks great. You cleaned it so well.”
  • “You made this? It is beautiful.”
  • “You’re building strong muscles doing that job.”
  • “You inspire people when you . . .”
  • “You never give up on a hard job.”
  • “Your life matters.”
  • “It takes a big person to be honest like you just were.”
  • “You are really polite. I was proud to introduce you as my child.”
  • “You did this by yourself? Amazing.”

You can affirm, even when your child didn’t do well.

  • “I know you worked as hard for that C as many students work for an A. You are diligent.”
  • “I know you’re disappointed that you didn’t win. I’m so proud of you for trying.”
  • “It can be hard to come in second, but it looked like you did your best. Someone else was just better. Keep trying, maybe next time you’ll win.”
  • “I know you feel bad about your mistake. What do you think you can do differently next time?”
  • “Ah, that was a bad decision. I know you’ll learn from it and make a different choice next time.”
  • “I’m glad you told me about this. I love you and will always be here for you. We can work together to solve this problem.”

When is a good time to affirm your child?

  • When you are teaching your child a new skill. Affirm their attempts and even partial successes along the way.
  • When you see a spark of interest or a flash of brilliance. A little affirmation may turn that interest into a lifelong pastime or future employment.
  • When your child used one of his skills or knowledge to help someone else.
  • When you speak highly of them to another adult in their hearing.
  • When you show them physical affection, speak affirming words.
  • When you recognize they have a better idea than you do about something.
  • When they have made a good decision.

If you realize you have been heaping meaningless praise on your child, now is a good time to pay attention to what you say to your child. Don’t fill their ears with, “You’re so pretty” or “You’re so big” or “Good boy.” Instead tell them what praiseworthy behavior you’ve observed in them or good attitudes they’ve shown or how what they have done has made someone else’s life better. Everyone tends to live up to the good opinions of others or down to their criticisms. A parent’s opinion carries even more weight.

Exercise:

  1. Look through the list of affirmation starters. Choose one or two that you can tailor-make to suit your child. Remember affirmation is saying something true in a confident way. So, make sure you can say it honestly and then be specific so your child knows what you saw as good.
  2. Choose a good time to give your affirmation to your child. Don’t say it when you are likely to be interrupted or distracted. Look for a time your child’s heart is open.
  3. Linger a little and be ready to listen to how your child responds or what questions they may ask. This can give you a clue as to how or what they would love to hear from you next time.

I know you can make a difference in your child’s life as you affirm them.

For more articles on parenting, check out: The Child-Ready Marriage

 

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